[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat I know what you mean about family addictions. Sadly these can be I think picked up and passed down to the next generation. The positive though is you yourself are so aware of the horrors of this addiction. I also pray that child does not ever have to face what others have and are facing.

In the UK kids are allowed to play 1p and 10p slots in the arcades that are on most UK coast lines. Its mad as if we groom them for whats to come. Casinos, bookmakers and the like. Knowledge and education is a must for younger people to warn them of where an unchecked like for gambling can lead.

Maybe just maybe there wont be a “next” one in your family. Can the buck so to speak stop with you ? I hope so I really do. Thanks for your support Kpat on my little corner here. John

[JohnNobody]

Hi All and thanks for your messages. Just been so wrapped up with “none gambling” lifes battles and changes had no real time to reply . But the new shoes are working fine …. and Kpat I know that flapping sensation only too well! A sign of the CG maybe. I know it was and is for me.

A belated happy new year to you all here.

This is day 4 of 2015. Had my first date in an age over the weekend (new shoes and top did not get new jeans) was in many ways a surreal experience. Out with other people in crowded bars but not alone as I normally do. I felt shabby and rough cut. I could see just how far back I have peddled. It was akward for a while. I am sure she could see looser written all over me.
Somehow crawled through the first hour then things loosened up. Maybe down the half lagers and a few shots thrown in helped. I was tired though … and felt it and looked it. But in the end the night worked. I found myself laughing having fun. We even ate a meal together. I purposely chose the cheapest thing on the menu. it was not noticed.

Then today back on the train home. Back to my life. Back to the grind. I have some pretty hefty personal debts. One of these could get nasty very nasty. I have to be careful with this one. So have tried to make contact with the person I owe this money to. I hope they get back to me in time so some kind of repayment plan can be put in place. The fallout from massively excessive gambling is all around me.

Thursday I fly to Denmark to visit my son. On this I am excited.

[JohnNobody]

Yesterday I actually purchased a pair of footwear. On advice given these were “chunky” ha. But they are new boot kind of things and only cost £15 reduced from £30 in Asda. It felt strange doing something normal like shopping for clothes.

I still need a pair of jeans and a jacket maybe able to get them by Friday. Tonight is the last of this year. It can not end soon enough. A horrible 12 months has passed. I wont celebrate tonight instead will work through the evening. 12.00 Midnight wont mean anything for me other than 2014 was the year my mum died. I dont see anything to celebrate on that so will hide away in my flat.

This time next week I will be getting ready to Fly to Denmark. It will be good to leave good to get into the airport have a few drinks and jump on that plane. I took that route UK to DK so many times in the past. Some weeks flying 4 or 5 times due to work. These days it takes all I can just to get 1 flight arranged.
I have to change this during this next 12 months. I have no choice. The work I do pays sure but I dont like the work. A new venture calls me ….. soon I hope.

Stay strong lovely people …. make 2015 your year and step up to take what is yours. I can not thank you enough for being here for me during these past few months when I have given so little in return.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky I am sorry to read of your relapse. I really am. But am impressed you came here and fessed up. This is a big part of overcoming this terrible addiction. Being honest with self and others around us even if it is online.

I have been in your place where you are now so many times I have lost count. But do not stop do not give up overcoming. Put this behind you. Yes sure you face the financial fallout but that is temporary. Try work out what triggered your last relapse … how can it be avoided in the future ?

Rooting for you Micky and thanks for sharing here on what must be a difficult time. All the best John.

[JohnNobody]

Hi was just checking through my emails and saw replys here. Thanks so much for all your comments. I survived the christmas holidays. Did go away. It was nice. Lovely part of the country in fact. But decided to head back a few days early.

I am here again now in my flat. Working. Getting ready to go next week to spend time with my son. When I step back into the house the familiar feelings return. It makes me angry and pisssess me off no end. Actually got a date on Saturday. Can you believe it. With my life all upside down I decided to complicate it further.

But the gambling has done no damage. The bank account remains intact. I read the email alerts I get from other peoples threads. I have some catch up to do here. Im hoping to make the group later on.

[JohnNobody]

Just a quick note to self and others here. I am about to head South for a few days. Got an invite … was given train tickets. CGs taking handouts. But I could not say no. Anyway I have to say thanks to you all for being here. I have been of no support to anyone. But I do read your story’s your posts your own struggles.

Here is to next year ….. can it be better ?

[JohnNobody]

I cant say much at the moment. But have read the replys.

I took a leap and booked a flight to see my son on the 8th Jan.

one ray of light in what is a very messy day today. I want you all to know I think your good people. really good people. i cant say more right now but your all in my heart no matter what.

[JohnNobody]

I have been out. Getting drunk. I am good at that. People arrived at my brothers house tonight. 5 strong. Wanting my blood for money owed. Yes this really is the dark side of this addiction. Right now I do not care. I tried to find them …. got a cab back to the dump I call home. My brother had sorted them. Made a repayment plan (in my name) apparently to save my legs and my face.

Things are bad here. Really bad. I feel incredibly unstable. I want to run. I want to die. I really want to die. I am blocked on every side. Inside I am screaming ….. I type here because I have no where else to get out what it is I am feeling. I feel dead inside. Utterly dead. I sat in a pub tonight. People were dancing singing songs about “do they know its Christmas time in Africa … ” I dont think I have ever felt so alone.

I have ruined everything. Right now I feel …… really feel I could walk off the edge of a cliff. And this is without even loosing to gambling!!!!! I hate myself. And now I have no love for this world. Nothing is left.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad it amazes me the people here! So kind of you to even offer to help even with your own real situation. The very fact you offered despite your own hardships and battles .. well words fail.

I would love to visit but the time is not right. But am so appreciative of your offer to help. Thank you for that.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Tiki456 I am sorry so sorry you are in this really bad place right now! This sounds like it is your own very personal rock bottom and it is not a good place to be. But you can take 1 step and then another no matter how impossible it can seem at this very moment.

I can identify with every word you have said even though I know in me writing that it will make no difference to how you are feeling right now. Make it your mission to self exclude and ban yourself from EVERY CASINO you can. That is a start. Try do at least 1 thing every day no matter how small to try to improve your situation. Things can and do change over time.

If you want to chat on skype on even a phone call I am here. I can give you my contact details. I can even call you as I have a very good almost free phone service. Reach out get help get support. We are all here for you!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad no this is not possible ref old friends. Simply not. All of that past has gone. This is down to me and no one else. One of the issues I know I face is having no one face to face in the “real world” to reach out to. No one. Its surreal at the moment.

[JohnNobody]

Hi KPat it was and is never my intention to make anyone feel sad about my situation. I am sorry if I did 🙁 I write here because it is really my only outlet and the only place I can truly express some of what I am feeling.

Sadly no it is not possible to visit your end of the world for the holidays. Vera’s invite was really kind and touching. I will be avoiding the bars and pubs in the last few days before the holidays. I don’t think I could stomach being sat there on my own watching the rest of the world go about xmas in the right way. The day will pass and that will be it.

I have only myself to blame for this situation with regards to my gambling. The other aspects of my life … well on that I have no control. Take care and thanks for your message.

[JohnNobody]

HI thanks for your messages. No i have not posted today. Been trying to work but my output is only around 65%. Could have been better. But ended up for an hour or so trying to sleep as my pattern is shot through at the moment. I stay awake sometimes all night trying to work. At other times not . It is erratic and without any form.

Spoke to my father on skype he in Italy for xmas. He is worried I am here home alone. Put on brave front told him I have plans and such like. But wished he had not brought the subject up. May it pass quickly.

Am bracing myself for when money hits my account next. Getting the right mindset so I dont gamble. I am going to work through the whole of the 23rd 24th and 25th. Work long hours as possible and then hopfully will sleep the rest. Thanks again for your continued messages.

JN

[JohnNobody]

HI Sad allot of what you wrote does make sense. Especially on the gam blocks. Maybe I need to revisit them give them another try. What harm can it do. I wont go into detail but last time they were quite rudimentary installs and badly programmed. Maybe they have improved. I did try another one but it was shocking and totally smashed my system.

Ultimately this battle has to be won in the head. For this I am determined. Thanks for the praise but it is not warranted. Yes I am entrepreneurial and still hold ideas. But I have wallowed in so much destruction this year much of it in the mind that zero steps have been taken.

My current way of making money is brain death all the way. But it pays for now. I need challenges again and need to see things develop and grow. But it seems so far off right now.

And sad NEVER EVER FEEL inferior to others around you. Ever! Every person has there own issues no matter how together they mean seem on the outside. We all carry a certain amount of craap with us on the inside. You too are fighting your way through this. Stand up be counted and be content and proud of that fact my friend!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thanks for your message and yes I hear what you are saying. It would also be good to meet in person at some point but as I said to Vera I dont think I am in position to make that trip this side of the year. My gambling has taken care of that.

Without going into great detail I think it is okay for me to open up a bit more about my past. For over 10 years I ran a very successful company. Millions were made. Houses in the UK and in Europe. All the benefits of a highly profitable start up. The company I formed back in 2001 was in the days when the Internet was the wild west. My initial investment of around $50 dollars snowballed quickly.

Life was incredible. Then I started to gamble. Over the years block by block it became worse. But I was earning and could ride the losses. No matter how high they were. When it came crashing down I had nothing. Everything was lost. My wife at that time immediately found a new partner and never looked back. All of this 3 years ago this month that the meltdown really kicked in.

I had my second restart earlier this year as you may know from reading an earlier post. That went wrong but not through gambling. So it is compounded loss after loss. And I sit here today a week and half from xmas. £7 on the side. Nothing in the bank but more importantly no one around me. Former friends avoid me. I am no longer worthy. The family is fractured for 1 reason or another. And it is bleak.

I do a self employed job I dislike but the money can be earned quickly. But it means nothing went it gets pisssed away in the online casinos. 1 step forward. 10 steps back. The lonliness felt is something that runs deep now. The last person I spoke to was my father before he left for Italy on Wednesday. And then I go an isolate myself further by gambling. It really is make of break. Today I will work again. I hope nighttime comes quickly as the street goes quiet below then. And lets see where I am a day from now.

Its gotta change. If I can overcome my addiction I know deep down I have a chance to rebuild. If I dont its game over in every sense.

JN.

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