[JohnNobody]

Could not sleep until around 8.30am this morning. Then when I finally crashed it was not a restful sleep. Kept waking up. Did not feel like getting out of bed but had to drag myself to the computer to do some work. But it is slow. Today is a bad day. I could scream ….. I detest myself for what I have destroyed these past years.

[JohnNobody]

5 Am Wide Awake!

Been a tough day. Yesterday actually now that I look at the clock. Been up since around 10am yesterday morning and still awake now at 5.45am the following morning. Managed to work some earn some. Sleep patterns get all messed up with gambling. And its not just the gambling its what it does to your brain function and outlook on life which can be and is so destructive.
I am spending far too much time thinking about the past and what is lost that it is holding me back from trying to embrace any kind of future at the moment. The first rumblings of Christmas have already begun and I am dreading it!!! Another wasted year …. and then having to watch as the rest of the world goes nuts all for 1 day in the year.

First Xmas without our mum … spent last year with her. Maybe if I can manage it I will go someplace over that period. See my son or just take a long bus ride to no where in particular. Let us see what tomorrow (today) brings!!!

[JohnNobody]

Spent a few hours with my father. Took him for some lunch. We bought a flower stand for my mums grave. I am going up Sunday for the afternoon to visit mum, take flowers. I don’t feel at ease in the cemetery but I know it brings some kind of comfort for my father.

Bought some fruit milk and 1.5 litre of cola. Thats dinner. The cola will keep me awake which is good as I need to work. My intention is to work through the night and try raise some money. Rent day approaches with break neck speed. And my desire to fly out and see my son is strong.

The gambling urges come strong and fast. I am not sure working from home , alone is the best for me. Slept for an hour around 6pm. Body clock is messed up.

Charles, maybe I will go back to Citizens advise. But my debts are way past any kind of financial order. My only real choice would be to go for bankruptcy. I must be over 100k in debt. Plus being self employed makes it harder to get financial orders in place. I will have to look again at that.

Sad68 = thank you for your comments and yes loosing any loved one is harder than a person can imagine. This was my first experience of close family death. It hit us all hard.

” Important thing John is to stay gamble free and then you can make choices rather feel forced into things because of your financial situation” < very true words. So many times I have made choices based on the outcome of a gambling frenzy and those choices were invariably tainted and wrong. The viscous circle. It has to be broken.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Alex I cant offer any real advise apart from you have done great on making a post here. Repeat the process share what you feel if you can. People will support and encourage! All the best JN.

[JohnNobody]

Managed some work today. Output was at around 65% which is a damn sight better than what it has been lately. Time to start walking again (thanks Vera for the heads up!) and time to get my clothes in the laundry. I have nothing clean to wear and must look half insane by now when I do go out side.

I did go out to the shop. Bought my “dinner” all unhealthy hand food. Makes you feel tired all this junk food. Tomorrow at least I will do 1 thing and try to modify my diet. Bottled water – fresh fruit, no starch and defo need to try go gluten free! In the past when I have done junk food detox it did help. So what have I got to loose ??

Meeting up with my father tomorrow he coming over with my brother. Will spend a few hours with him. I am looking forward to that.

I know I am prone at the moment to wild mood swings (but I know I am not bi-polar) and I have a delecate balance that can be easily disturbed and can lead me into the waiting claws of the online casinos. Well I had a date last week. First one in an age. Met her online. The night went well we even kissed. Then nothing. I wont chase …. but it made me think about how hard it is sometimes to be single in a world seemingly full of couples.

The above got to me and made me think about many things lacking in my life and how I try to replace that lacking and those mega black holes with the even emptier hole of gambling. I need to understand fully the thought processes of what gets me to gamble – if I can accomplish that maybe just maybe I stand a chance of reprogramming myself to circumnavigate as many triggers as possible And trust me I have 100s if not 1000s of triggers that can lead to my embracing my addiction.

Earned a bit of money today. Lost none. Its not what I need but its something. I really hope I can sleep tonight. 2.12am wide awake and wired. Been drinking canned cola (without vodka) thinking about my mother. I miss her deeply.

[JohnNobody]

Did hardly no work yesterday so no much needed money earned. My rent looms on the horizon and I still have only paid half of last months rent. Gas / Electric is due. Council tax screaming hard. Only been here less than 2 months in the flat and already its out of control.

I took a drink to blank out the pain. Was too drunk to work when I got home. I forgot to eat last night. My stomach is in bits. This morning self excluded from another casino. But they are many more out there.

Today I try again. Downloading some software I need for a project I want to launch. Will work to try earn something towards rent payments. Also I have a son who lives abroad. Miss him terribly. He was over for my mums funeral. I promised him I would be over soon to see him. That has not happened so far.

Its cold outside and my flat is in chaos …. it all seems to be falling apart. Cold turkey again today. No booze no gambling. But its always easy to adhere to abstinence when you feel like hell.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68/ well we are all trying to give him support. Maybe I should move in with him for a while not sure. Try get myself straight. Lots of dont knows. Thank you for your reply.

[JohnNobody]

When I gamble I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t earn
I am self employed. When in the midst of a gambling frenzy everything goes to hell. Sat now in a bar drinking beer. Watching everyone else lead there lives…. I feel like I’m stood outside looking through. The loneliness even when out is crushing. I am tired of all the mess and destruction I have caused. Why did I have to become an addict???????#¿!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68. I have used up all my excuses when it comes to gambling a long time ago. And they have been times when I felt my head is going to implode along with my guts when I have been on a bender …. old horrible destructive habits that are so hard to break. But if I do not try I will not survive. This really is the last throw of the dice. I do not say this for pity or effect. I say it only because I can here with a layer of anonymity. I cant say these things anywhere else. Ty for your reply and support.

[JohnNobody]

Thank you for all your replies and comments. I have and do read them all. My mind is all over the place right now. Grieving for my mum or trying to. Sometimes I feel numb. feel nothing. Emotions all over the place. My father is old and lost since mum died. I do not enjoy my life. I go through the whole day with a sick feeling inside my stomach. It only eases if I gamble or if I drink. The perfect thermo nuclear mix is gambling and booze.

I did not drink today but wanted to. But know that the darkness of the depression that follows could send me over the edge. I gamble to escape and hate myself for it. I gamble to try win back 35 years of losses. I gamble to win back a family I lost. I gamble to win back businesses ruined and homes repossessed. Even when I win I always loose.

Loneliness at the moment is also crippling due to where I live and the fact I work for myself from home. All the elements of my life seem temporary unstable and disjointed. The icing on the this pile of shit is I am a compulsive gambler.

JN

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68 well yes maybe I should but we are busy as a family trying to make sure my dad is okay so we have to be strong for him. Thank you for your other points I do see how blocking software can work for many people. I will be checking the site later today to read what others go through. thanks.

[JohnNobody]

The day has passed. Wretched feeling wretched day. My hangover is abating somewhat. But the dark cloud and sense of depression that deep sick feeling in your gut persists. I remember how life used to be. Full of people. Full of energy and how block by block my addiction destroyed ALL of that.

I find it hard to focus on work. Hard to focus on living a healthy life. My diet these past weeks has been shocking. I get those urges to open up a casino and deposit. It cripples me with its intensity. I know there is blocking software but that is no good for me. I can take such things to bits within an hour.

I need to do this cold turkey. I need to be able to overcome the urge to give into my life long addiction which started when I used to earn money on a paper round and pump my “wages” into a machine.

I also lost my mum to cancer 4 weeks ago. A horrible horrible time. I turned to gambling. The bright flashing lights, the promise of a win. It was an escape from the reality’s of the death of someone whom you loved so much. At least I am glad to have found the presence of mind to post here.
JN.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68 thanks for your comments. I cant reply much right now as my head and body is a mess. Gambling hangover (along with the remnants of an alcohol induced one.) But my main form of addiction is online gambling. Casinos any game and stake. No system. Just total addiction. And yes you are correct we will always be addicts …. but Christ to be able to be an addict that chooses not to partake in there addiction.
Thanks again for your reply and support. I have read each word.

JS.

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