[JohnNobody]

First I want to say thank you to all of your who have left me messages here. Encouragement thoughts and even prayers. I have read each of your messages. Have not really felt it a place to answer. I am of no real help to anyone right now.

My world came crashing down again last week. The aftermath is awful beyond anything I can actually cope with. I spent the day or a few hours with my father yesterday. He was tearful over loosing our mum. I had to pull it together as best I could for him. I wont lie. I am in a bad bad place at the moment. Xmas looms like a black sky ahead of me. I dread that day. Sat here in the flat. I cant get to see my son. I made sure of that. Maybe I can do it for afterwards. I dont know.

I will block it out with alcohol I suppose. And hope the whole horrible period passes quickly. I am a few days since gambling. But it is no victory. None at all. The damage has been done. The crime complete. I came close over the weekend of formulating plans in my head to end everything. Being a coward and hating pain I could not follow through.
Somtimes I lay in bed and ask the universe to make it quick. Heart attack – seizure. Make the choice for me. Its not that I want to die I just dont want to live the life I am living. My coping mechanisms are low at the moment.

Your words from all of you have meant much. Vera (glad u are back) Micky – Kpat Tiki Sad68 to name but a few . I know you each have your own personal struggles. I wish I could do more. JN

[JohnNobody]

Firstly thank you for all messages of support. I dont feel I deserve them at all! I am in a bad place a very bad place. So may as well get it out here. What have I to loose ?

Sunday : today. I have nothing left. I have drank I have gambled. This has been the theme pretty much for most of the past week. Online offline where ever.

I have not bought a ticket I need to for my son.
I have no money to pay my rent which is due tomorrow.
I owe the landladys son money for furniture I took when I rented the flat. I have paid 0.00

My father is sick. He has an operation this coming Thursday I am supposed to be there in the hospital with him and my eldest brother for the day. It is a massive worry. We do not know how it will go! My dad I told him what I had done this morning. He will lend me £50 for food. I feel dreadful shame.

My eldest brother found out. And its the second time this week he has found out about my gambling. I told him as I have no one else to tell. His patience has run out. He told me I am selfish and arrogant when winning. And when I loose I am all sorrowfull and full or remorse. He also reminded me I am taking my fathers pension money. I feel sick at myself because what he told me is true.

He also said I am only thinking of myself and no one else. Again this is true.I have no defense. I am not a good person.

My work has suffered the past week. When I gamble I dont work properly. I sleep little or badly and I drink to blank out the losses or drink to celebrate them. None of this cures my loneliness. So I am not just back to square one but it a much worse place. Bit by bit for one reason or another my family disown me (and rightly so!) apart from my father.

I have no ideas. No plans. Nothing. I will face the landlady again tomorrow but probably this will be it. I can see how people really do end up on the street which is where I feel I am headed. I do not write this for sympathy. I write it because I need to and because its truth. Maybe if someone reads this they will stop and think about where this addiction leads.

I am screaming out for help but none is around. My father is grieving the loss of his wife. My family is smashed with the death of my mother. And all I can do is think of myself. Gamble drink gamble drink and blame the world. This is where I am at now.
thanks again for your thoughts. they have been read.
JN.

[JohnNobody]

I have had enough. I am smashed. It’s not just the gambling it’s everything in my life. I’m done.

[JohnNobody]

HI Charles thanks for the reply. Im all set for relocating and starting new. Understand what you say but they are more reasons to this. I will always live with my addictions no matter where I am but I choose to take control and enable change in my life. Its business related also as im closer to former contacts with the changes that are gonna happen in 2014. Still gamble free into week 2 now.

[JohnNobody]

Hi ty for the comments. I am doing okay. No gambling . Think its been a week or more. I dont count the days. Working through issues. Not posting much at all but do read through much of what is shared here and other places. Hope everyone is OK. Thanks.

[JohnNobody]

I have made plans to get out of here on the 21st January 2015. Going to sell off what furniture I have. Travel light and start again somewhere new. I should have enough money banked by then to give me a head start. I am dreading the holidays coming up even more now. I know everyone here means well with the support and advise and I am grateful for this I really am. But my situation is more than just about my gambling addiction.

I am going through a period of intense social isolation. This is dangerous for me. I had very real thoughts again of ending everything yesterday. In the end I picked up the phone to the Samaritans. To be honest they was not much the lady could say. There job is to listen. I doubt I made much sense.

I will speak to my son later today because I know he feels awkward about the situation with Xmas. So will make sure he is OK and will tell him everything is good. He is in the middle of this situation.

I have not gambled for coming up to a week now. No real urges. Nothing in fact. The news last night from my sons mum slammed me. The icing on what is a very shiitty cake which is my life at the moment. Only I can change this. The world owes us nothing and nothing will change if I don’t change things around.

[JohnNobody]

At my limit of what I can take. Tonight I was told by my sons mother I am not welcome for christmas with them. I am unsure of what more I can actually cope with. I am only writing here as I dont have anywhere else to turn to. I have bought a bottle of cheap booze. I cant gamble cause I have hardly no money so you quitters dont need to worry on that score. I do not know when or where this night will end.

[JohnNobody]

Hi I have not gambled. But just kind of being a recluse at the moment. Working loads. Trying to get my thoughts straight. Feelings very much all over the place. Feeling very down at the moment. Saw a video clip with the ex. That does not help. Even though I cant stand the people from my past. We had a very toxic break up 3 years ago . Remember lt like it was yesterday. Thanks for the messages of support. I can give nothing in return at the moment ….. but hope you are all doing well.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks for your reply’s Kpay and P. And the much needed advise you given taken from your own circumstances. Reaching out when we are feeling the pressure I know is important. Its a few days now since I failed (again) and at the moment to be truthful does not get any easier. It is not that I have strong urges to gamble but more about the aftermath and my guilt and major self frustration that yep I did it again!

I know if I continue like this going round in circles all my own plans and hopes for the future will come to absolutely zero! So today again I start afresh. Will put my head down to try focus on work. Will take some much needed exercise and try to make the best of things. Surly with time and effort and energy invested the situation will change! I hope so.

Thanks again for your support it does mean so much!!!

[JohnNobody]

Tried to sleep an hour this afternoon. I do that sometimes as I often work until 4 or 5am in the morning. My sleep is not again. Due in part to the gambling and the dissatisfaction I feel with my life. I am starting to make plans to leave this place I live in. Its a run down depressing area and I think it is not good for my own mental health.

I have a brother who lives in the USA ….. that’s the plan. But it only works if I do not gamble. Other wise I will be in this isolated hole forever. It is now time to change. I can do the work I do here from there. And who knows where it can lead me. Sometimes in life we have to enable change on every front. We get 1 shot at living. If it goes wrong or does not suit me then flats and towns like I am living now will always be waiting for me.

I need interaction again in my life. Can not stand much more of the solitude. I have many plans and an idea for my next venture but its not gonna happy here. If anything it gives me something to work towards. Which I am doing daily. and Nightly.

[JohnNobody]

It is a terrible addiction and cycle to break. Tried so many times over so many years. I cant give in now. I am finished if I do. I started this journal knowing this was my last chance and it holds true in so many ways. It does not feel like progress today. Maybe I hope that will change in the coming weeks. Thanks for your message of support it means much to me. John.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky yes you will know how it feels as im sure many others do to loose one of the most important people in our lives. It comes in waves. Just on a real downer today. I should have visited my GP to try get some kind of help for my mood swings but didnt could not face it. Thanks for the words of support.

[JohnNobody]

9 Weeks tomorrow night my mum died leaving a huge hole in all my family’s lives. I have made little progress since then tbh. Lots of good intentions that all ultimately come to nothing. They say life is to be lived … but these past 2 months and longer all I have done is survive. Emotions pretty much all over the place today 🙁

[JohnNobody]

Hi welcome to the forum. You have done so good not gambling since September. Forgive yourself the 1.50 bump. Your doing way better than me. You have not thrown away 90 days. You have moved forward I think in 90 days. Good to have you here.

[JohnNobody]

Not sure what to say apart from yesterday again I failed. Am back on the quitting. It is all I can do. I can not afford anymore negativity in my life. Self excluded from the casino. Taken responsibility for my actions. I have only myself to blame. The only saving light at the end of this tunnel is I paid my rent and my phone bill. And did not go to 0.00 point so I wont starve this weekend.

But ultimately I have let myself down again. Sorry I can not give better news today good people.

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