[Jezi]

I totally understand what you mean by not really being there even though you are with friends and family. Its and awful feeling. Coming to realisation is the first step, then taking actions to quit and keep it that way. I’m not there yet but determined that i can and will do it. Hang in there and keep us updated how youre doing!

[Jezi]

Thanks! The day went by just fine thanks to a lot of work. The urge to gamble is not so strong today, but on the other hand nothing has triggered me to gamble. I know from before that the sense of control is false as its like a high in itself to get off the gambling train in the beginning. 

I know that you are right about coming clean about my problem – no more lies , but i just dont know if I will ever be able to do it. I cant even explain why? I should be happy – and i am greatful for the life i have today. 10 years ago i lived in an absolute nightmare and was at rock bottom. One thing that that makes it even worse is that i have lived with a gambling addict myself (he was an alcoholic too and very abusive) – it was awful and i got dragged in financially and started lying to people around us and his family to protect him, but also myself. I would not want anyone else to feel the way i did back then. I dont even know how i got myself into this mess, it’s really sickening and i should know better. 

I will try to join a group here some day soon and stay on the forum as i dont have anyone else to talk to.

Have a nice evening!

[Jezi]

Makes me nervous , been here many times before and always relapsed within the second week ( apart from when i have maxed out my credit card, in that case 2 weeks at most).

Anyhow i have now blocked myself from the casinos I’ve used before which means they should not be able to Contact me in any way. I dont want to see another email or txt message in my phone with great offers or surprise cash gifts. Hope you guys are doing good out there.

Jez

[Jezi]

Thanks for commenting. I’ll definitly join a group session when i can. I would love to tell someone close about my problem but i’m not there yet. I’m afraid it would lead to more anxiety and leave me feeling ashamed of myself- which i already am. It’s tough to do this alone, thats for sure. But i am ready to leave my gambling life behind, i dont want to live like a compulsive gambler anymore. I just want to feel free and not have to think about gambling every day. 

Also i think youre right about thoughts of suicide often resembels the wish to stop gambling. Good to hear im not the only one whos had these thoughts. It just got very overwhelming last summer. 

[Author]

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