[Jezi]

I figured it out eventually and managed to join the new members group. It helped for the moment so im happy about that. Will definitly try some other ones this week. 

I actually have a trip to look forward to this weekend. The thing is it feels kind of wrong as its something ive lied about too and is connected to gambling. To tell the truth its a trip i won through a casino site a while ago. My husband does not know this and thinks ive paid for it on my own. I see that this behaviour is totally wrong as im writing this. I think the right thing would be to tell him but i also dont want to ruin it as i know hes looking forward to it. What a mess eh?

[Jezi]

Bad day, havent slept properly in a long time. Have no apetite or lust to do anything really apart from what im obliged to. I hope this phase of withdrawal wont last much longer as im not sure how long anyone can function in this state. I keep forgetting things all the time and get in my head a lot even at work. Ive figured out that ive always had quite a selfdestrucrive way of living. I dont know anything else. I dont know what its like to live a normal life with only minor problems. I also keep shifting from positive to negative regarding my own ability to stop gambling for good.

I’ll try to join a group tonight.

Edit: couldnt get in,there was never a green button and then it dissapeared 🙁 

[Jezi]

Hi Lizbeth, im sorry you slipped.
I dont know your whole story, but hang in there!
Today is a new day like you said.

Hope youre feeling better.

[Jezi]

I can see that a lot of you are struggling real hard, i dont believe that a lot of people understand gambling addiction which makes it harder of course. I just wanna say that its not about being stupid or smart when you have an addiction. You do bad things because of the addiction. But i also understand that you can change your brain to kicks from other things than gambling. Its gonna be hard but i believe that we can do it if we really want to. Have a good week you guys ×××

[Jezi]

Like jen says – its a disease. Dont beat yourself up, although i know thats easier said than done. All rational thoughts are easily pushed aside by the cg brain. I hope youre feeling better today.

[Jezi]

Hi there, youre definitly not alone. I can relate to feeling isolated and alone as a compulsive gambler. Welcome to the forum and i wish you the best of luck with your recovery.

[Jezi]

Yes and yes music is still a passion, i listen to all kinds of music and it helps. I love different styles of music from all over the world.

Tonight was fine until i accidentally put my hand into a pile of superglue that my daughter had spilled on her drawer. I totally panicked and caused a lot of drama. Feel so bad for my family right now, i normally wouldnt react like this but this gambling stop is affecting me in ways i couldnt imagine. I seriously thought i was going to pass out for a moment as i tried to wash it off. Like really i know that water and glue doesnt go hand in hand but ive lost all my sensibility. Feels like im walking on needles.

Anyhow i have apologized to everyone for causing such a drama and theyre all fine now, but im not. On a positive note i really dont feel like gambling now as i never wanna go through this again.

[Jezi]

New day, a week and a half gambling free. Approaching the longest period of time without gambling in many years. Strangely the urge to gamble isnt fading, it’s increasing day by day. Im so glad i blocked myself from the casinos ive been using as i have to confess i most likely would have slipped last night if it wasnt for the block. I even started the registration process at a new casino but managed to close the page down before i even finished the registration process. Felt like a fool afterwards and today aswell for almost giving in to the urge. I hope i can look back in the future and take pride in those moments that led to a gamble free life. Have a lovely Sunday peeps!

[Jezi]

Hi Sherrie, i understand that working three jobs must be very tireing even though they keep you busy and generate money to pay your bills.

Im glad to hear that you didnt gamble tonight even though the urge was there! Ive been struggling tonight aswell, youre not alone. Hope your dog is ok, i always worry when ours has been sick. Usually gone the next day though 🙂

Stay strong xx

[Jezi]

Good input! Before i even started gambling i would put a lot of time and effort into producing music and being in different bands. I also took a lot of acting classes altough music always was my main priority. I was happy and it was very rewarding having gigs and producing music as an artist myself and along with others. 

Unfortunately there was a lot of drinking and partying involved, when i had kids at a fairly young age it had to stop because the people i hung out with continued the same way when i had a baby to take care of. I lost interest as it was no longer rewarding in the sense of getting approval from others. I became very lonely at the time as i also lived in a very abusive relationship and had no time for myself anymore. 

I would love to have my own studio and be able to channel out my emotions through music once again. Now i only have a piano that i never or very occasionally play. Im never home alone and my family finds it disturbing haha so yeah a soundproof studio would be awesome. 

I can see how one addiction could easily be switched for another, dont want to go there. 

Had a glass of wine for dinner now, couldnt resist as my husband opened a good bottle of wine. But thats it for today, want to be clear minded.

[Jezi]

I understand that you feel ashamed, i think all of us compulsive gamblers do. How do you think your husband would react if you told him?

Could you maybe ban yourself again to start with to make sure you dont gamble? I know its hard and that there probably are other options to gamble depending in where you live but it could be a start maybe since you didnt gamble before when you had blocked yourself. 30 k is a lot of money but if you have a decent salary im sure you can pay it off and be fine if you stop now. I wish you the best of luck and that you are feeling a little better today.

Jez

[Jezi]

Weekends that arent planned are the worst for me. Since i decided to stop gambling last week i also felt like i had to stop drinking alcohol because i know its a trigger for me. I dont think i have a drinking problem but somehow drinking alcohol makes me want to gamble. Anyone else?

Now i feel like i have no way to relax. Had a rough week at work which drained a lot of energy. Took the family out today and all was fine..now we are home, kids playing on their own, hubby went to play with the cars and im on the couch feeling irritable and bored. Cleaned the house all morning, have nothing i can fix or do and cant even have a glass of wine. I told my husband i wanna have a White month after the holidays, dunno how long i can keep that up. Sorry for a negative post but today is hard.

[Jezi]

Good to hear that im not alone! I wish that i could just tell my husband or anyone in my family, or a friend. Its just a little more complicated than it seems in my case. I know for a fact that my family and my husband + family thinks that gambling addictions arent real, not even substance abuse of any kind. According to them any addict is just a stupid weak person and that you just decide if you want to quit or not. Therefore at this point i think that telling them would make the situation worse for me. As you say – if someone had known before or had bailed me out or showed concern about my gambling things would be different.

Unfortunately i have been too good at hiding my problem. When my addiction speaks i have the best poker face and can make up brilliant stories as of why i have spent crazy amounts of money. I have done crazy things to hide my problem and lied, lied lied. Like i told hen, i got caught once like 7 years ago and i had only played for a small amount that time. My husband got so mad and dissapointed, i dont even think he realised i already had a problem, that i just made a stupid move. I promised to never do it again and since then we have never adressed the issue. I dont really know how the groups work here but i would love to join as i cant go to any local ones cause of my job.

Hope you are good:)

[Jezi]

First of all thank you for commenting, it actually really makes a difference and keeps me wanting to stay gamble free. I understand what youre saying, rock bottom can mean different things for different people and at different stages in life. Im happy in a way that im determined to make a real effort to quit, but it also means that i eventually have to hurt people i love in a way i havent before by telling them. Sure i have been distant and agitated cause of my problem which needs to stop. Im just so very afraid that it would lead to zero trust or worse. 

I still have not gambled, yay! 1 week and 2 days. Now the weekend is here and my mind is spinning with gambling thoughts. But i wont and cant do it. Tonight i will spend time with my loved ones and give them time and attention.

 

[Jezi]

Thanks jen! I hope one day i will find the courage to tell my husband. I just dont know how as of right now. I got caught like 7 years ago and he did not understand at all. That time i had only played for a smaller sum so im terrified of telling him about the amounts ive spent the last few years. 

Hope you are doing good!

Jez

 

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