[Jezi]

Thanks jen, never thought it would happen.

[Jezi]

Haha it’s just that i live in the north pole kinda, i have only gotten as far as Thailand this time.

He is hurt as i expected and it’s hard to see. The lying and lack of trust is surely the worst part. He even told me that he was thinking about divorce as i just kept on going and lied even though he sort of knew cause i always hid my credit card bills. But he also said it was relieving that i told him and we can go from here to regain a healthy relationship. I tried to explain why and so on, but being messy headed makes it hard. I think some of it made sense at least.

Today i woke up feeling a lot lighter but keep having episodes of anxiety and a feeling of unrealness. It’s gonna take a while before it really sinks in that i absolutely can not gamble anymore now that i have told him – dont get me wrong, i dont want to either. Last day i gambled was friday before we left as some kind of attempt to feel better -AGAIN. This can never happen anymore. So im on my third day now as i messed up bigtime last week.

Neither of us knows how to get through this, will have to figure that out. I told him that he could attend the local ga for relatives but he does not want to do that at this point.

Gonna have to take one day at a time i guess.

[Jezi]

I dont know where to start but i’ll try to cut it short.
The flight down was absolutely horrible. 11 hours on a plane leaves a lot of time to think. My husband slept through most of it as it was an overnight flight. I on the other hand could not sleep at all and was totallly consumed by thoughts of everything thats happened this past week. Talking to all of the wonderful people here and the ga meeting. Finally had a much needed release and cried myself through several hours underneath my blanket.

During the 3 hour bus ride i decided that i have to tell him sooner or later and tried to think of how and when. I decided that i would let him have this week without telling – and myself incase he would say the worst possible, just one more week.

We arrived and went down to the beach, sat down , had a drink and i tried to hold a normal conversation. Asked about his new job etcetera. Thats when i really noticed thats he was different – edgy and not his old happy self. I know that he loves travelling so this was not like him at all. Well, honestly i had noticed for a long time but blamed it on other things. After some time ( and drinks!! Haha) I finally had enough courage to open up a bit about me being in some sort of crisis. I didnt tell about the gambling part but other stuff thats also bothering me, hoping that he would bring it up if he already knew so I wouldnt have to say it out loud. After all i had decided not to ruin this week. Conversation went along pretty good and he seemed a bit more relaxed when we got back to the room.

Went to dinner in the evening and you have probably already guessed it – but yes, i finally told him! Could not wait one more day, it had to be said. Turns out he knew, or suspected anyways but never said anything. We talked and talked for hours and we are gonna make it through this. Can not believe it went down so well and for the first time in ages i feel a sense of hope. Now i just have to do this- no more gambling.

I am so glad that i joined this forum. I dont know what i would have done without you guys. ❤

[Jezi]

Well done! You are doing great. Im glad you found tools that works fot you.

Have a nice weekend!

[Jezi]

Haha yes, way more. They owe me big time so im gonna try to enjoy it.

[Jezi]

Last day of work before departure. I will be away for 8 days which i hope will do us both good. Am gonna miss the kids and the doggie, but i wont miss being at home which is where ive gambled most of the time. Theres probably unidentified triggers all over the place that i havent thought of yet. If i dont feel better when we get back home i need to seek out some extra help i think.

Right now my main concern is some kind of mental break down during the trip or that id tell my husband and it goes very very bad. Im gonna try to relax and hopefully distans myself a bit from my gambling habits. Still havent slept and cant eat. Trying to think positive thoughts though! Gonna go home and pack after work + drop off the kids and dog at the grannies.

Thanks everyone who was in the chat group yesterday, it was good talking to you.

Wishing everyone a great gamble free weekend 🙂

[Jezi]

Helloo, flus are nasty 🙁 im glad youre feeling better tho!

I know all too well how it feels to be in great debt, but like you said, 5 years is better than 9. Better than burying your head in the sand and wait for the authoroties to come knocking on your door!

Also thank you for commenting, im really not sure if telling always is the best option although im terribly sick of lying.

How long have you been gamble free now?

Have a lovely day xxx

[Jezi]

Goodmorning, the trip in itself wont be a problem as there wont be any gambling involved unless i would bring it on myself. Its just the fact that its a casino win and ive told my husband its something i paid for on my own. But im gonna look at it this way – ive wasted so much money at this casino and i couldnt trade the win for cash – which was good. So im gonna try to enjoy the fact that i finally got something back from them. 

I can not be a 100% sure of course what would happen if i told my husband. But remembering his words when i got caught before and his current view of gambling obviously leaves me terrified. So the worst that could happen is – divorce, losing my job and my Children + all that comes with that. Total downfall in other words. 

Today i was supposed to celebrate two weeks gambling free. That did not happen unfortunately. Yesterday was a really bad day mentally and i thought if i could just feel good for 10 mins it would be worth it. I got around all the blocks after finding a new casino with some flaws in their system which allowed me to make a deposit. – it didnt feel good so in one way im kind of glad that it happened. Maybe it would have been different if id won, but i didnt. So i stopped and felt like crap, what a betrayal to myself. 

Today is a new day and im attending the ga meeting.

I can very much relate to thinking a lot about what my life would have looked like without gambling. But like you say, a gamble free life is definitly a whole lot better.

Have a great day, and thanks for your inputs once again.

[Jezi]

Hey nick, well done not giving in to the urge the other day. Since we spoke on monday i have actually booked myself in to a local ga meeting tomorrow. Spoke to a representant from the group yesterday and he told me that anyone who attends has to sign a confidentiality agreement so im gonna give it a try as i realise that im in need of a lot of support right now. Will see how it goes, am super nervous. Have a great day!

[Jezi]

The foot spa gift was kinda weird i agree! I’ll try to enjoy this trip even though its gambling related. 11 hours on a plane is the only thing im dreading, too much time to think. If the right time comes when we are away i might tell my husband . Theres no turning back now. I am so angry with myself that it had to come to this. When i decided to stop gambling almost two weeks ago i felt strong, well that didnt last long. Hope you are doing good and that youre having a smooth recovery. Stay strong xxxx

[Jezi]

That sounds fair. I know that facing fears makes you stronger. I overcame my fear of speaking in front of other people at university a few years ago just because i was forced to do it over and over again. This is another kind of fear cause of whats at stake if things go wrong. 

Wine didnt help to sleep unfortunately. But off to work, three more days. Tomorrow meeting, so nervous.

[Jezi]

After i came home i opened my mastercard statement for december. All i saw was a bunch of transactions to online casinos. I know theres gonna be another bill in february with more transactions with a bunch of casino deposits. I dont EVER want to see them again. Ive always made up lies as of why my husband cant open my bills cause of gambling, no more of that. February will be the last. I know that self medicating is not healthy but ive had almost a bottle of wine for the sole purpose of getting some sleep tonight.

[Jezi]

Update: someone called and told me their story, then i told mine sort of, cutting it very short. I was so nervous my hands were shaking throughout the whole conversation. I still cant believe i did it, never thought it was gonna happen. Im so shaken up right now but tired at the same time. What a day.

Booked myself into a meeting on thursday. I hope i will have the courage to go. Need some extra strength to get through this week.

[Jezi]

Hey , well done!! 15 days is great, im on day 12. Lets do this together.

Jez

[Jezi]

Today i made the deciscion to contact a local GA group for some questions and im waiting for someone to call me for more info. Im dead nervous! I can not go on like this any longer , tonight i slept 2 hours in total. I need to be sharp at work, and i think my symptoms are getting worse cause im not sleeping.

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