[Jezi]

Sherrie you are right. I dont want to go public but thought for a moment that i dont care if i can help anyone. It was very impulsive but im kind of glad i didnt do it. I have to remind myself that im not really there yet and i actually dont want people to know. Im not as strong as i felt there for a moment lol

I too dry gamble but it is a trigger blah so i shouldnt do it. Went to my first meeting today with the counsellor and it was fine. I was super nervous before but the lady i saw was super professional and has worked in the addiction field for 18 years. I even dressed up and probably looked a little too over dressed at work because i thought that iiiif anyone sees me going in to the addiction unit they will think that i work there and that im not an addict myself lol

Anyhow im glad that i went. I certainly need it if im gonna be able to get through this. Its a little up and down at the moment but i am going to do this.

[Jezi]

Things are happenings fast here. I got a call yesterday from the addiction unit. Was not expecting it so soon. They have hired a new counsellor so i got booked in tomorrow. I am very thankful for this opportunity as i am feeling like proper crap and started to doubt my ability to quit forever. I even want to gamble, well part of me does as i am tired of feeling empty. I dont know what to expect but im grateful that im getting some help at the right time.

Thats whats going on. I did make plans to gamble today. Im not gonna do it though, am dissapointed that i almost let myself down again.

[Jezi]

You are doing a great job Sherrie! I too have awful nightmares at the moment, well all kinds of strange dreams lol
Hope it will calm down as we progress and get things sorted.

Hope you will have a great week xxx

[Jezi]

I had to cancel the podcast thing, my husband didnt approve so there will be none of that im afraid even though i think it’s an issue that needs to be adressed. Oh well, maybe in the future. Last night was good fun and i managed to get a full nights sleep. Today i REALLY feel like gambling so im trying to think of other things, i hate these urges. I dont think it’s good but i sometimes play without logging in ( no real money) to be able to get over the thought of gambling.

I am going to have to learn how to be less impulsive, thats for sure!

[Jezi]

The podcast team just called me and i will join them in an upcoming podcast to tell my story so far and also discuss a few things regarding why men are overreprensated in ga and such.

Now i feel more motivated again. I think i need to help others to help myself. I was going to stay at home and mope but i called a friend i have not seen in a while, so im going over to their house to play good old fashioned bord games and have a few beers. 🙂

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts Lizbeth and steev.

Yes the money is gone and wont come back. End of story really, and I’ve decided that i wont be dwellling over it as it wont change anything. Monday is coming up and it’s my third week gambling free. Big step for me, I’ve managed two weeks at most. Went for a long walk this morning and was listening to some podcasts om gambling addiction and realised that i have not yet found a female one. So i decided to contact one to maybe contribute and touch on the subject. It is not gender related! But men are overreprensated when it comes to ga groups and podcasts, im sure even in treatment for gambling addicts.

Wow steev that is a big deal! You are an awesome person and i wish you could see that. I really hope that your retirement will bring you lots of joy and that you can spend it travelling and enjoying life.

Have a beautiful day everyone xxxx

[Jezi]

Hope you will have a great weekend too steev!

Today i did something that i haven’t done ever before. I feel like vomiting right now. Was going to try and close down my secret bank account, well not secret but one that my husband had no access to ever. I decided to have a quick look at the amounts i spent on gambling over the years ( not the credit card and hidden money I’ve spent) but only this account alone.

No wonder i have been stressed out. I’ve spent a lot more than i expected. We could have paid off the mortage on the house and more. I am completely disguisted with myself right now. How can i ever redeem myself?

[Jezi]

Just got back from a lecture with the commune for all principals and other people included in my field. I have noticed that quitting gambling has turned me into some mental wreck

I have a hard time focusing and “getting out of my head” and also a lot of anxiety, both mental and physical. I usually dont have to sit on my hands for example to stop them from shaking. Felt unattentive and was yawning a lot even though it was very interesting and important. The workshop at the end with a lot of new people felt strangely awkward. Had to focus a lot and i now feel completely drained. Staying at home to rest is not an option unfortunately, so now back to work.

Have a good day guys xxx

[Jezi]

Tomorrow a day full of meetings and then GA. Tonight dinner at our house with friends. Im very happy that we are occupied tonight as it’s been a very stressful day at work and inbetween taking care of some issues we are dealing with at the kids school. About a month ago i would have gambled to ease my mind. Now i cant and dont want to. But being busy makes it easier. The one thing im really hoping for when i get a counsellor is to learn how to deal with stress and all kinds of weird behaviours when things get tough.

[Jezi]

Good to hear that your plan worked out for the better.

Keep up the good work xx

[Jezi]

Someone once told me that it’s important to feel your feelings. Maybe in some random yoga class, i dont know. Not that it’s important where i heard it but it makes sense to me. We are often prone to push away unwanted feelings as we strive for happiness. In the end doing so often leads to secondary problems such as gambling, alcoholism, mental disorders and so on. If we dont deal with our feelings and let them come to surface we tend to repress them. You can only do so for a limited time. If the problem is too big to solve on your own – you need to deal with it. Meaning seeking out for help.

I feel kind of like a hipocrit writing this as i have repressed feelings for most of my life. I’ve had some ways of dealing with it, both healthy and unhealthy ways of course as i have gambled and also drowned my sorrows by drinking a little too much at times.

As i couldnt stay at home to deal with it i went to work. Tried to keep my cool as i work with other human beings. It’s not fair for me to lash out on innocent people. They have no clue what i am dealing with at the moment. Went for a walk in the sun on my lunch break which cleared my head a bit. I do agree with steev that throwing tantrums on your own which wont harm either yourself or anyone else is a brilliant idea if you are angry or sad. Or anything else that floats your boat – unless it’s harmful in any way. On my lunchbreak i also decided that i need to call the social service unit for addicts. I am in a bad state and even contemplated gambling again as i felt like i had ran out of options after yesterdays phone call. I realised that i have to put any pride or worries aside to ever make it through this. I came to think of the saying ” where theres a will theres a way”. I AM the only one responsible for my own wellbeing. If i am not well how can i be a good role model for my kids? I would wish that they asked for help and did everything possible to fix a problem if it occurs. How can i project love to others if i dont love myself? I can in a way, but not give them all of me, good or bad. I cant sit here and wait for someone to fix my problem. It’s not like it’s just gonna go away one day if i dont deal with it and take all the help thats offered. Soo i called the social service and told them whats up. Im now on the waiting list to get a counsellor there for my addiction. Yes folks, you heard it – there is a waiting list for gambling addicts even in a small town like mine. Thats how common this illness has become. You are not alone, i am not alone.

Love to all of you xxxx

[Jezi]

So as the title states, im angry – even in my dreams. Woke up with this feeling and a great deal of anxiety. Im starting to loose faith in getting any help which scares me. I know it’s early and so on but im highly ambitious for better or for worse. I even find myself getting upset over people in general who dont do anything to try to get better or work things out. You try to help them bur they dont want to listen and it’s like do you even want to get better? Dwellling and fears and also assumptions about things can really stand in the way – i get that. I do and have done it as well. You cant change the past but you can work through things with help and move on – be happy even. I want to get there so bad. I will find a way, but today is a bad day and im going to allow myself to feel this way. Pushing away feelings by force in some attempt to feel happy is what i have used gambling for in the past, wayyy back. Or well if i won i was happy and high until i lost it all again. To brighter days xxx

[Jezi]

This is true. Swallow all pride and stubborness. Face fears and take advice. A life without gambling will be worth it.

[Jezi]

Sorry i deleted my last post. It made me angry so i didnt want to see it anymore. Im not even happy about my two weeks at the moment,. On the way to the hospital to see whats going on with my grandmother who was taken in just now.

I was kind of baffled by the call this morning as the dr seemed urgent to get me some help. I told the whole story and she was like oh i see thats unfortunate,. She said she could put me on a waiting list to see her although she was pretty clear that it wasnt her field. So, that was that and thats it i guess. Will stick with ga and this forum.

[Jezi]

Hi idi! I like the idea of ” take the body and the mind will follow”. It rings very true to me. If we take good care of ourselves in terms of feeding our bodies with nutritous foods, get good sleep and excerise on a regular basis the mind WILL follow. At least it worked for me in the past, even though i still gambled. Not saying that it was healthy to gamble of course! But im sure i would feel a lot better if i could pick up all the healthy habits again, it would make things easier. One step at a time right now though. 

I hope that the financial disaster you are worried about wont happen! 

[Author]

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