[Jezi]

Thanks for commenting Monica. It sounds like you were in a lot of pain! Im sorry you had to go through that period of time. I dont know if all this anxiety and physical symptoms are because of the meds or withdrawal from gambling. I did not take one last night, woke up panicked at around 2am from some strange dream. Since i did not have to get up early this morning i could sleep in so it was ok. Was in a bad state all morning so i stupidly called the gp because i want to know wheter i should continue or not. I do notice a big change today after not taking one last night – my head is not so clouded and i dont feel like a zombie. Maybe because i got up and had a bath and did yoga. I have managed to go to the store and got some fresh flowers, did some cleaning and bought a book I’ve been wanting to read. Also picked up my youngest early from school and we both did our nails, that feels good.

I will try not to rush in life and actually take one day at a time from now on. Looking forward to brighter days though.

[Jezi]

Thank you for your response Vera.

I dont know how to be social anymore in a normal way. Well as a professional i have been up to now, or whilst drinking alcohol. It always ends in excruciating anxiety though, like this weekend. It was a disaster and left me feeling scared of ever going out for a drink (lots of drinks) again. So no, no alcohol. I dont want to talk to the neighbours it feels like theyre always watching and not minding their own business. Theres been some ridiculous things happening in the past like knocking on our door and telling us that our hedge around the house was a few inches too tall lol there are some people in the neighbourhood with a little too much time on their hands. Anyhow, i made lots of lemon water and I’ve rested the whole day since i came home this morning. 

I called somewhere to check if i should stop taking my meds cause the gp closed and i really dont want to call them if i really dont have to. Im afraid what theyre writing about me in the journal, problem is i dont have access to new entries in my journal, only after 14 days. I didnt know that so if they check how many times i logged in these last few days they might think im crazy lol but the lady i spoke to told me to skip the tablet today cause i think i had a fever, dont know if i did, checked my temp later and it was normal. It still is but i feel like im running a fever.

I have not tried cbt. I was admitted by my dr to a group cbt thing but i couldnt come ( working hours) so i had to cancel. 

Im not gonna call my dr until she calls on Monday. I cant keep calling all the time. 

I will go to GA tomorrow and will follow your advice as i get so darn nervous. Im scared to go out to stores and stuff now cause id be too embarrased if i saw someone from the group in another environment. 

Take care xxx

[Jezi]

Everything just sort of piled up to the point where i couldnt handle it so im staying home from work until i can function like a normal person again. The meeting with the counsellor was cancelled today cause she is home sick. I would have needed it today but nothing to do about it. Im going to stop taking the meds again cause im pretty sure they are making me ill – or worse at least. They definitly affect my mind in terrible ways. I thought i would clean the house while im home but it’s like i am sick with the flu and drained of all energy. Very unlike me, im usually kind of manic about cleaning. I dont know what to do that is worthwhile. Would like to take my daughter home early from school but i am afraid i will act strange and she will notice. One of the worst days since i quit gambling, i hope i will feel better tomorrow.

[Jezi]

Im happy for you idi. Try to linger in all the positives of not gambling. Like you say it will grow on you.

Take care xxx

[Jezi]

I dont know steev but i think that i have more issues i need to deal with. I know that they both want to help but today i have done some thinking and research on my own. I have came to the conclusion that i have a severve type of ocd which i have had since i was a child when i think back. It definitly is connected to my gambling problem which escalated along with added stress to my life in the last few years. All of the ocd actions and thoughts made me gamble in a completely forceful way to relieve stress even though it doesnt add up because in the end it caused more stress and anxiety. It’s also connected to an impulsive disorder im sure which has lead to what could be disasterous and dangerous actions. Luckily i have not lost my mind completely and have been able to stop myself from taking action most of the time.

So what i need to do is talk to the dr again and maybe get some help for these issues aswell – and also things that has happened in the past.

I have less and less gambling urges, but im also very busy at the moment so i dont know if they will come back if i get some free time that is not scheduled.

Take care xx

[Jezi]

It’s an illness sherrie. That doesnt mean you are an idiot. What you need is probably no acess to money. No money- no gambling. It’s humiliating but will make it harder to gamble and in return you wont feel like an idiot or hurt your husband.

Take care xxx

[Jezi]

The problem right now is treatment. The counsellor says one thing and the dr something else. Im confused and feel like im getting nowhere. I cant see myself not gambling ever again which is bad. I did before but it’s spiralling down when it comes to motivation and positive thinking. I know that i have to do the work myself but without proper help it’s hard and confusing.

[Jezi]

No gambling for a week. This journey is going to be long. I thought it would be a lot easier and that the change would be positive in all aspects. I dont know what else to say. Wish that i could be a present mother, wife and friend. I am none of that right now and im afraid it will worsen more. At least i didnt have a deadly disease, no more doctor after this. Been there twice in one month and she probably thinks im crazy now. Thats all for now.

[Jezi]

Hi idi.

Realisation and determination are key factors when it comes to qutting. I understood that i was hooked beyond control for a long time before realising that i could not do it on my own. I think very few people can. I had high expectations of my own abilities to quit without professional help once i reached out ( on this forum for example). It did not take long though before i had to let my guard down and seek out for help elsewhere too. Pride was definitly a main factor for not seeking out for help in the past. Im still very ashamed of myself when i go to the counsellor and ga but it helps and i feel a little lighter each time i walk out.

Im sure that if you are determined and willing to get help you will make it. It’s a long walk but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

Have a great weekend xxxx

[Jezi]

Counselling today . Going to tell her that i gambled. Besides that think i might have gone completely nuts. Anxiety and sleep was improving then i realised that a lymph node on my throat has not gone down since i had a cold before going to Thailand, so it’s been there for almost 2 months. Called my gp to calm my nerves but nah the nurse thought i should get it checked so she booked me in on Friday. Im in so much agony i dont know what to do with myself + the dr is gonna think im crazy if it turns out to be nothing ( which i really hope) so rather crazy than dying. I hate Google and hope to god that the symptoms arent what it looks like. I just want to sleep and not feel anything until i know. No gambling urges at least.

[Jezi]

Thanks everyone ❤ im going to try to look at it as another lesson learned. I just hate when things dont go according to plan and that im the one to blame hah! It certainly could have been avoided. Anyhow i will also try to not beat myself up too much even though it’s easier said than done.

Thank you for your support and sharing.

Love jez

[Jezi]

It does feel like a huge setback. I was so proud over my 3 weeks gambling free and told everyone at ga it was a big deal for me. So why would i ruin it? I dont know, i got caught up in the moment and could not control it even though part of me screamed to not go through with it. Truth is i did have a choice – we always do when it comes to gambling. I let my guard down and let myself sink very low.

I did learn that i should never have money that i can spend without my husband seeing it. Nothing can excuse what i did yesterday, it’s noones fault but mine, even though i know that i might have some kind of impulsive disorder. If i would have been drunk or so i wouldnt have been so hard on myself today – it would have made more sense. Im angry with myself and part of me still wants to gamble to falsely remove all the feelings of self hatred. Im starting to think that there actually is nothing wrong with me and that i am just an egoistic person that cant appreciate what i have. Maybe im just too priviliged now, nothings good enough, no real feelings left. Always chasing after something. It’s gross and tireing.

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts steev, Vera and idi.

Have not written anything here in a couple of days. I have been very busy up until today. I have been to ga once a week. I feel more and more comfortable each time, mostly because i have not gambled and havent felt stupid. Im nowhere near anyone there when it comes to gambling free time but it’s been ok. I understand that ga here is not the same as in the u.s for example. There are no readings from the bible etc, just sharing and topics we go through.

Now i dont know if im gonna go to ga on thursday, i will go for my booked counselling on Wednesday but something happened and today i gambled. Had some cash from exchaning money from the Thailand trip and now they are gone. I dont know if im going to tell her or not, im so ashamed of myself. I could not resist and it just happened. I did not plan to gamble but was at the store to buy other things and remembered that i had the cash in my bag, and so on.
Dont know what else to say. At least i have no other money to spend. I cant tell my husband so i will keep prerending I’ve been gamble free. So yeah that was all. I will NOT dry gamble anymore. Will get some new games instead that i can play on my phone if im stressed out or what not. Feels like im letting you guys down aswell. This was the last time i will dissapoint myself or anyone else again

Hope you are having a good weekend so far xxx

[Jezi]

Hi idi good to see that you are back! I dont know all the methods you have tried to stay gambling free. Im curious about what options you have not tried yet that you think might work if you would give it a go? I have managed to stay free of gambling for 3 weeks which is a huge step for me, cant remember when that happened within the last 15 years so there must be something im doing right this time lol

Well first of all reaching out made a big difference. But i think ga and getting counselling has played a big part in my recovery so far. I still dont like to go to ga but it has taught me some important things so i will keep going.

/ jez

[Jezi]

Hey sherrie, i think i get where you are coming from. You have a desire to do good and help out when you can like with your collegue at work. It’s good setting up limits – i have even though it means shutting someone out but being someone who always wants to please everyone else cause we think that it’s making us a better person actually does not mean that we are doing ourselves or anyone else a favour. The last thing my counsellor said before i walked out today was – dont beat yourself up over everything. I kind of get where she was coming from.

Love jez xxx

[Author]

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