[Jezi]

Hi, thanks for your posts. Still gamble free but not doing too good. Should be feeling good about 8 weeks gf but feeling worse now than i did in the beginning. Been to the dr frequently and trying new meds for the last 3 months, nothing has worked properly and having a lot of physical aswell as psychological problems is taking it’s toll on me. Have not posted for a while as i have nothing encouraging to say to other people or in my own thread. Just wishing that things will turn for the better as it’s getting out of hand.

How are you guys?

Love jez

[Jezi]

Hey, long time no update. Like the title says im busy staying out of trouble- but still in it kinda. I still have 3 gambling related activities per week and it’s helping. Have not gambled for 6 weeks now. Problem is im never getting rid of the darn urges and everything triggers me. Trying to stay away from alcohol too now as I’ve realised i use it for the same reason as gambling – to numb myself and shut out. Not good! Soo im depressed too i guess and have all kinds of weird habits i need to work on that arent too healthy. Extremely low selfesteem and dont think i deserve to be happy even though i want to of course.

Hope you are all doing well xxx

[Jezi]

Time is flying by. Im getting so much help and dont really know whats going on other than that im doing all i can to recover from everything that gambling has caused in so many ways. Everything is still unreal and life is kind of on hold. Im more than grateful for all the help I’ve recieved through GA and the local addiction unit. I do both one to one counselling and a CBT course over there. I am shocked that there is so much knowledge and understanding for what im going through at the addiction unit- i think they are heroes and life savers, i dunno what id done without the support from them. At home things are ok but tough as my husband still thinks im to blame for everything. There is a lot of support offered for him but he does not want any of it which makes things difficult- he thinks this is my battle alone. That is all.

Love to everyone and im sorry for not commenting on your posts. I will get back to it i promise xxxx

[Jezi]

Hey steev! Too bad the weather has been kind of edgy so to speak, but it sounds like youre enjoying life. And congrats on being debt free. That must feel good 🙂 where are you now and where are you going next? Looking forward to hear about your adventures.

Hope you are well xxx

[Jezi]

Hi steev, im gonna have a look on your thread to see what you are up to 🙂 hoping things are well with you. My dr. Called yesterday (finally) . She said she read my letter and that it was good that i wrote it. I think she understood what i meant and that I’ve just reached a new bottom. She does insist that i need to be on medication for a while which im not feeling too positive about. Started again yesterday and the side effects are pretty nasty, still only meds and no therapy which feels like crap to be honest. But im trying to beat this and taking long walks and doing yoga when i have time and energy. On saturday i have not gambled for 4 weeks! It has not been very hard, and i think the small slip i had 3,5 weeks ago actually did not do a lot of damage. I did learn from it, gambling only made me sick to my stomach. So maybe all this mental downfall is helpful- im too shocked that my body and mind reacted like this when i stopped gambling that i dont even have time to think about it too much lol

Thats pretty much it!

Take care xxx

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts irock and steev. Im usually not a very negative person, i think anxiety is getting the best of me at the moment. It is exhausting to feel this way and i realise i need help to move on from this stage. Tonight i will go out with a friend to eat at my cousins restaurant in town which im hoping will be relaxing and fun. I let my husband read the letter i gave my dr. and he didnt think it was too weird so im probably overreacting as usual. I hope so!

Have a great night everyone:)

[Jezi]

What an endless rollercoaster ride recovery is. Felt better and that things will be just fine in the beginning of the week up til Wednesday. Still no call from the dr. So im assuming she has contacted both social service and psych ward at the hospital and feels she cant help me anymore. I cant believe how foolish i was to think that she would understand the context of the letter i gave her. Have not slept properly in over a week and it’s certainly not doing me any good. Anxiety is back in full strength which makes life sort of unbearable. At least we had some real good conversations last night at GA. I just want to sleep til this nightmare is over.

[Jezi]

First day in ages I’ve been having close to zero anxiety. I hope this is a turning point. I feel weird now that i gave my dr that letter. She has not called yet which makes me nervous – thinking the worst of course. Thing is i dont feel all the horrible feelings i felt last week. All of the symptoms faded to normal even though i probably should see someone to figure some things out. Hoping she will call so i can tell her im feeling a lot better now.

Anyhow treatment on Monday was great so im feeling very positive towards the rest of the programme. Back at work now and it feels fine, think it’s good not to sit at home and think.

[Jezi]

Two weeks gambling free again woop. It’s been quite easy this time around actually. Have not had an awful lot of urges lately. But i could not gamble even if i wanted to, or could but my husband would see it so that is not an option.

Today i will start a new kind of treatment for gambling addicts. 2,5 hour sessions in a small group. Im nervous but happy that one of the guys from ga is also coming so i will know someone at least. Also talked to my dr and have dropped of my letter in the reception. Im hoping she will understand and not think im completely nuts. I tried to be as honest as possible so i dunno, i just needed to get it out.

Feeling a little better today and am looking forward to the group session. Tomorrow im going to work again, hope it goes well.

[Jezi]

Happy to read about your newfound freedom. I too have had major problems to stop drinking when i start. Not around the kids but if im out with friends or if the kids arent home.

Im glad i could make you laugh ( or more so my dog). She thinks she runs the house, but actually doesnt lol she is a tiny but very wise and determined little Lady. We are blessed to have her in our lives.

Very interesting what you wrote about the insula- never heard of it but will read more about it.

Have a lovely day xx

[Jezi]

Hi Lizbeth. Coping with feelings is not a walk in the park sometimes! I dont either like the sense of being overwhelmed. Like you said gambling will not solve any problems, even if we win we shouldnt kid ourselves thinking it will end there.

Recovery is hard, but like someone said – every ending is a new beginning.

Have a lovely day xxx

[Jezi]

It’s certainly part of the problem idi. I have written a long letter to my dr. I dont know if i will ever be able to present it to her but i usually get very nervous when i talk to her and have a hard time speaking my mind. I often find myself smoothing things over as im feeling weird about the whole situation. She was nice enough to call me up yesterday after i called the gp some days ago. I was not prepared when she called ( was out walking the dog who disturbingly tried to eat some other dogs poop whilst i was on the phone lol) so i was mostly like ok, ok and agreed to try and evaluate two new meds over the weekend. So here i am again stuffing myself with pills like a good girl. Point is i dont think it will solve the underlying issues so i need to tell her everything at some point so i can get referred to a proper psychologist to work everything out. It costs a small fortune if you book one in a private clinic which i cant afford.

Wasted weekend. But i probably need to rest so it’s ok sort of.

Love jez

[Jezi]

That sounds lovely steev – you are so worth it. Starting a blog sounds like a good idea:) it will be like a journal for yourself aswell. I do a lot of instagramming for the sole purpose of capturing my life in pictures.

Enjoy your walk and the rest of the weekend.

[Jezi]

Hi irock, i can very much relate to almost everything you have written. It’s intersting how we think of revenge with gambling. I mean it’s not a person – it’s a digital game. I know the feeling of feeling paralyzed by gambling, it’s horrid and hard to get out of. Im prone to procrastinating so with gambling even more so of course which does not get things done and then feeling bad i gambled instead of doing what i was supposed to.

You are doing a good job, hang in there.

Take care xxx

[Jezi]

Thanks for your support and inputs idi, monica and Lizbeth.

Just woke up and I’ve decided that i will try without any medication. Been without for 2 nights now and it went ok. At least my mind is not all fogged up. On the other hand im off work and dont have to get up early in the morning so i will have to see about next week because i will have to work and sleep is important. Maybe stress caused the sudden mental and physical breakdown on Wednesday. Both body and mind just kind of went on a full on strike.

It’s a strange situation this. I used gambling to destress and im having a hard time replacing that, well yoga but i cant do that all the time. I have used gambling for so many purposes which im only fuguring out now, only took 15 years lol

Im gonna try to list them while i remember.

1. Win money to be able to redeem myself to others or to justify to myself that i can buy something i really want.
2. Destress – weird cause it caused more stress in the end
3. Escaping problems and negative thoughts / feelings
4. Self harm – yes I’ve made myself gamble as a form of self harm because I’ve thought that im not worthy of happiness
5. Reward – after a long week of work for example
6. Boredom

Ok thats all that i could come up with for now.

Have a great weekend everyone xxx

[Author]

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