[jenny t]

Hi

It has been several months since I have been here but I wanted to let you all know how me and my children are doing.

My ex started sending me lawyers letters in April last year and we attended various child welfare hearings but I would not give up or be bullied by him so I continued to tell the truth to the sheriff and my children were interviewed too.

In November, the Sheriff agreed with the reporter and did not award my ex contact with his daughter. She told the court reporter she did not want to see her daddy as he stole money and got drunk and was scary. I cried when I read her words but know they are her words and not mine as telling the truth is so important and I have always insisted on 2 things my children don’t do – tell me lies or disrespect me, we have our moments but they know I hate lies.

So my ex has only been allowed to send our daughter letters and well, he has been doing that every single month and I strongly believe the letters are not a sincere way of getting in contact with our daughter, but it is instead , a way of keeping the contact with me. I have not shown my daughter all the letters are it upsets her and when I have asked her again if she still feels the same about seeing her daddy she told me recently “my daddy needs to regain himself and I don’t want to meet him because I have a good family and my daddy hurt us” oh my. a clever young girl but again, made me cry.

So, I re read the serenity prayer over and over and used the word courage to change things as I have felt like my ex just won’t ever leave me alone so I walked into a police station and I disclosed all the incidents of domestic violence and abuse against me, I had previously told the police and court about the gambling, debt, effects, my words on this forum…I was now needing help from the police to keep my ex away from me.

He has been charged with 4 domestic abuse offences against me, he pled not guilty (despite me having 8 witnesses for one incident). He appeared at court and pled not guilty again. He is now putting me on the stand, along with my childen, and I am facing the criminal court in 2 weeks. He once lied and lied about gambling. Now he is going to lie in court about assaulting me and I am having to face another court process again. I do have protection in place just now as the police have granted this and I am grateful as I am extremely anxious about how he will react.

I am so very scared as I have never been a witness before and to re live traumatic incidents is causing me to be unwell as I am not sleeping well, am very anxious and I know how lawyers can twist the truth, especially as they have my ex’s version of what happened. However, I will tell the truth. I had injuries,his parents seen bruises he gave me but I remember clearly his dad asking me “how do we know you did not do that to yourself?”oh it is exhausting.

My 15 year old has needed extra support and I have referred her to counselling through the school. It has been over 2 years since her step dad was asked to leave the house and she has , for the first time, wrote an essay at school, all about gambling , the increase of his alcohol and what we went through. She called it “the girl in the mirror” and wow, was it powerful. 2 years later and now my teenage daughter is talking and when she could have written an essay about anything, she did her own life and the effects gambling has had on her childhood. Writing and gaining support has been my therapy. I am glad she has been able to write too.

My son, aged 17, is having to testify against his step dad too. I wish I had the power to stop that but my son witnessed a lot that he should never have but it is not often until you are out the relationship that you see just how bad it was. Surviving is the word.

I feel as though I am still surviving the now and want so much for it all to end soon. My daughter writing about gambling just recently brings memories back, I am now in a criminal court process because I chose to do the right thing and stand up against the bully and tell the truth.There has been a heavy rope hanging around us, keeping me from moving on, as I try to forget about the addiction, the abuse and the lies and reach the top of my mountain.

Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it. And I really hope so because I am tired of the tears, of the anxiety and fear.

I used to be frightened of the letters coming through my mail box, of the knocks on my door, of the unknown (until I worked out my ex’s games and lies and deceit) and now I am frightened of his reactions, unpredictability, his lies in his court but I have support, some strength and a determination to move on with my life. I just can’t believe how tough it still is but one day at a time jenny t, still one day at a time.

Thank you so much for listening.

[jenny t]

Hi
I have been all over the place as I have fought, cried, got angry, been anxious and have seen more devastating effects my ex’s behaviour has been having on my kids.

So I had to go to court and I looked through every single post I had written on here and could not believe that this was me. I then prepared a chronology of dates, times, incidents, when sheriff officers came to my house, when he gambled, what he stole, his abuse towards me and when I put it all in order and looked at this timeline of my life with him, well it was sad and really concerning that me and my kids went through this. I am so glad I ended our relationship.

I then presented my evidence of events in court and the sheriff would not grant him any contact until an independent court reporter interviewed my kids. And what a stressful and awful time it has been as the reporter has spent only 30 minutes each with my older children, 20 minutes with my youngest and 40 minutes talking to me. He has also spoken to my ex and his parents and now I have to wait until Monday 20th November and find out what this reporter recommends to the sheriff about whether my daughter should be forced to see her abusive, unreliable, still gambling, dad. I have no control over the court process and the lies he is telling is just sad and nasty.

I have cried more tears and I have had been back at work, then off work, then back then trying to manage and support my children.

And gambling still effects their life. My 9 year old came in from school and told me she was crying in the classroom. I comforted he and asked if she could tell me why. She said the teacher was reading a passage in a book which said “for the grace of god”. She said the teacher was trying to explain what the grace of god meant and said to the class “if you were a gambler and you placed a bet and lost all your money then you may say “for the grace of god” and believe god should have helped you so you would not have lost the bet”. My daughter said she started to cry and the teacher spent time with her as she told her “my daddy is a gambler, he stole my mummy’s money and he lost all his money too, do you think if he said “for the grace of god” and god helped him, then he would not be a gambler and I would have a better daddy?”. Oh my word. I broke my heart that night and see that gambling does not have to be directly in your life, to still have a damaging effect.
Lots of cuddles and a meeting with the teacher to explain our situation more has helped. I am not ashamed of what has happened for us because we did not cause it.

I also found myself getting angry as I watched the news and a famous footballer came on to say he was a CG and how awful his life has been. I wanted to shout “What about your wife and family, how awful do you think it has been for them”.

I also went to a new hairdresser and she was talking about this footballer and addictions and told me she is part of a charity called recovery kidz. She said she helps parents and their children go on outings, do activities and when I asked who attends she said people in recovery from drugs, alcohol, shopping addiction, food addiction. she has 70 families . I asked if any of them were there from gambling addiction. Her reply was No. Why not? This addiction may not be seen by others (no physical signs like drugs/alcohol) but the devastating effects are the same.

Oh perhaps I am just a little bit down just now. My ex is telling lies, my kids have been interviewed by a formal lawyer type court reporter, been questioned, and contact will be decided by someone who does not know what my family has went through and how compulsive gambling and compulsive lying seem to go hand in hand with my ex using a court system because I will not allow him to be in our life anymore. It is all so wrong and going through this process has been tougher than I thought.

I just want it all to end. I am crying again. Gambling still feels like it is in my life when it is not. I just want it to be in the past and I know I will never make the same mistakes I made again by loving someone who could never put me or my children first because his bets always got in the way.

It only destroys you if you let it and some days are harder than others but it is hard to still be ‘fighting’someone who is still focused on their needs and not the needs of their children. I split with him 2 years ago and he won’t go away. I really want to move on now with my kids. I want to not hear his lies anymore or be questioned through the courts but I have to tell myself its temporary as this won’t last forever. I am only dealing with the civil court stuff just now as the police are still looking at my gambling logs and other evidence I have provided. The police officer cried with me when she read back my statement. she said my story is so real. That’s because it happened. I really wish it hadn’t.

So for now I will keep going and get the strength back to show my kids that it is ok to talk to others, tell their story and get support, just as their mum is doing here.Most importantly, I tell them to tell the truth. If only my ex had done that when we met, I would not be where I am today.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference…

Thank you for listening. There are lots of tears just now.

[jenny t]

It is the early hours of the morning and I can’t sleep. Lots going on.

My ex sends me a letter from the legal aid board as he is going to progress to court action so he can have lots of contact with our 9 year old daughter (who does not want to see him). legal aid would pay for his court case because he has no job . I have to take time off work as I need support. I have to speak to the legal aid board, I need my own legal advice and I am soooo worried about him getting to see our daughter again.

You see, Vera had stated that gambling was just one of my ex’s problems and she was right. I made a decision to go to the police one week ago and report domestic violence that had been in the last few years of our relationship.And as I spoke, I recognised a pattern. When he was gambling, he was drinking, he was more abusive and there is never an excuse for hurting your partner, but it makes sense now. Being ‘thick in the gambling’ changed him .

He physically hurt me on 2 occasions and one incident involved threatening to stab me with a knife. I have 7 witnesses for that incident but I was too scared to tell the police and also he came up with a story that I believed, he was on medication and that caused it. At that time he was also gambling and being secretive a lot. I was scared.

I have now recognised that his gambling , in the last 2 years, got worse. So did his behaviour and I worry as he does not know I have been speaking to the police. So far I have spent Sunday at the station for 2 hours, Monday for 4 hours and the police want me to go back again as I still have not finished my statement.

I have been to my doctor as I have not been sleeping well, I have not been to work in 2 weeks due to all this stress and I have made a lawyers appointment and been told I have to make my first court fee before the 30 August (and it is £120 just to say I am defending his court action). Not just because he cant provide for our daughter, because I am almost sure he is gambling again but because I feel that our daughter has been through enough and saw frightening incidents caused by him.

I cant afford a legal order for protection as it costs 1000 pounds (because I work full time) crazy eh, I have the police helping me and they will investigate what I have said and then look to charge him. Then it gets scary, as I believe he will deny everything, put me and my kids through giving evidence at court and really this is not about loving his daughter or doing the right thing by her, this is about me.

Oh vera, you were so right and I wish I had listened and been ready when you spoke about CG’s being manipulative and about having no contact at all with him. Also others saying before if I had considered support from women’s aid. I honestly thought it was all to do with the gambling but other people are CG;s and they dont physically hurt their wives.

I know its all going to get messy. I will have a child contact court going on and a criminal court case going on and my children and I will need to be strong. I have a lot of amazing support though and I know going to the police to report crime and violence towards me and also threats to me and my children, it was the right thing to do. I am just scared of the consequences and how my ex will react.

I never used to mention being scared on these posts but I have been. I just put it all down to his gambling addiction but he totally fooled me.

What matters now is that me and my kids have had no contact with him since April and I need to pay for my lawyer to help me now. Police will also interview my kids, along with social services but that will be ok because we never caused this. My CG did. I just never saw the signs that others did until I was out the relationship but even then I continued to be manipulated and used by a desperate man whose only thoughts were for himself.. and I have a strong feeling that its going to get worse before it gets better.

I just need to be brave and deal with this. I just never thought that I would be on a forum for gambling addiction and also writing about domestic abuse.. I just could not have predicted any of it. I want to be safe and free again and to not have him in our lives..His CG behaviour is not the one I am most worried about right now, it’s the other abusive behaviour that he may show. I will call the police..I wish I had done before.

Thanks as always for listening.

[jenny t]

hello, I have not posted in a while, I have been doing what I should have done a long time ago – Ignoring my ex.

A lot has been happening. I limited the contact with our daughter (a couple of hours per week) but even that did not feel right. My ex was claiming benefits, telling me his latest victim story and he got a 16 month drink driving ban in April.
He could not pick our daughter up, I saw signs he was “skint “again, cupboards bare and when he was meant to have contact with our daughter , he could not buy her dinner as he had zero food in the house, not even a toilet roll and not even a pound for a sausage roll from the bakers. I had to but food so he could feed our daughter and something in me just snapped – No More.. I really did not want this anymore.

I reached my line as my gut told me he is gambling again. I told him he could not offer our daughter anything, could not pick her up, could not afford bus fares to see her, could not even supply a toilet roll in his house, and once again his addiction was more important so now I have ended it. Everything. No contact with his daughter, no contact with me and No more Gambling Addictions affecting my life.

I am the strongest I have ever been. I have had no contact with him directly, nor seen him, since April. I spoke to our daughter and she was absolutely fine. She surprised me by saying I am not bothered about seeing him mummy as I would rather be at home with you. So today we are living our lives completely gambling free and it is really good.

BUT – If only life was that easy. I have realised that when the CG is ‘playing you like a fiddle’, getting what he wants, and getting something from you, then all is good but the minute you say NO, I have had enough, I am not allowing my kids to be let down again and again, It is Over then wow — His anger, his threats and that ‘monster’ appears again.

So now he has no job, on benefits, lots of time on his hands and an anger at me (when he was the one who could not provide for his daughter, choose to have no money, choose to drink drive, choose to break the law on more than one occasion, choose to lose his job)… and he is threatening to take me to court. He wants access to our daughter, he is entitled to legal aid ( I work full time and I would have to pay a lawyer at a very expensive cost) and he has been issuing me with lawyers letters.

I have been stressed, I have cried, I know what I am doing is right and not out of bitterness or revenge as I could have done a lot worse in the beginning when I had feelings I cannot even write about here because that addiction was turning me into someone with horrible thoughts.

I am protecting my daughter and me from more hurt, let downs, criminal activity and a gambling addiction that he wont admit is destroying him.. I have given him so many chances with our daughter but I wont be bailing him out anymore,making excuses about why daddy has no money, cant drive, can’t even buy a loaf of bread and give her a sandwich. So I am having to keep all my strength to fight.

It is the last piece with my CG. It has to be.

So a lawyers letter was sent to me with my ex as the victim again. I represented myself, I wrote a lengthy response back outlining the facts and he denied it all. My wee girl is upset, been clingy to me, has wet pants again and does not want to go to her dads. it is also affecting her relationship with her grandparents as she went to their house and although they know my wishes, they let my daughter have contact with my ex in their house. My ex has them truly manipulated again and they see me as the bad one.

I know in my heart I have stopped contact for the right reason. I know having a CG who is continuing to tell lies, to gamble, to be skint, to be involved in criminal activity and to be in denial – is not the right father figure for my wee girl just now. I have willed so many times for my ex to stop but I honestly believe he wont.

I am staying strong. No contact with him has been good. I wish Vera, I had done it earlier, I perhaps wasnt ready . Now there is nothing in it for me. And when there is nothing in it for him I see his true colours – anger, more lies and him still being the victim. When will this man grow up?

So, armour is on. If court takes place then I will fight with everything I have and I will be honest . My biggest strength is my honesty. I even phoned the benefits hotline and reported my ex for claiming PIP falsely as I think it is so awful that you can pretend to have a disability and be awarded for this when genuine people need help more.

I never ever thought I would say that my boxing gloves are on. I have never wanted to fight but I never wanted to be on my own, with 3 kids and have lived a life with the devasting effects of living with my ex’s awful addiction, I wasn’t in control of that but I AM NOW.

Thank you all for listening and always helping me. I am glad I have been able to post again.

[jenny t]

Thank you all for your comments.

I guess when you asked vera “whats in it for you ” I can answer that by saying “I got a bit of help for a little while”. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but sometimes it is sooo hard being a single mum, working full time in a very emotionally draining and stressful job, running my kids to all their clubs, trying to keep on top of the housework and feeling exhausted at the end of the night. (My family live 1 and a half/2 hours away so they are not on my door step to help).
So what does the CG offer – Help, a break, some of the burden, but I know, I ask myself – but at what cost? I guess my barriers went down and I have been in the dark about what he is up to and I guess I will never know unless it has been illegal or I just havent found out yet.

He is in a mess, still being fraudulent, illegal, and not changing his ways. He is now going to claim illegally by deceiving the benefits agency saying his mental health is sooo poor when he is just manipulating and telling lies so he can get his rent paid for him, his council tax paid for him and lots of money because he is apparently very very anxious all the time and he cant leave his house without support. What a lot of nonsense.
He even turned up to take my son to his football game and was slurring his words and I thought he was drunk (driving his car again). He refused to come up the garden path to see me and when I told my son there was no way he was getting in the car with him, he swore at me and drove away. He has since said sorry but I dont care anymore. Sorry is just a word. He was going to put my son at risk in his car and his explanation “I was hungover and had taken too many anxiety pills”. No excuse. He could have killed someone. His behaviour is awful.

I am keeping him away now. He is not coming back to my house. He had “more of me again” but now it stops. Sometimes people have to go through things again in order to “wake back up and smell the coffee”. I guess I just had blurry glasses on and I havent been seeing things clearly.
Thank you all for reminding me.

I am making new arrangements with one of my neighbours kids who can help with the dog.It will cost me financially but I will just need to manage that and it wont be forever as he wont be a puppy forever. At least I can focus on my recovery again.
I remember saying on my wedding day to him “my love for you will never end” but each time you go through more of this addiction, the love gets crushed more and more and there is little left. Gambling and him destroys it. But he cant destroy me as you are right, I was much stronger before. Now I need to focus on myself and my kids and get there again. (I am crying as I write this as sometimes it hurts soo much)but I promised myself that I was going to have a happier year, no more tears and definitely not allowing the CG to make a fool of me, tell me lies or affect me and my children in any way. But he has.And he is not worth it.

His parents dont even know again and they have been supportive of him again. Why wont he stop being the victim, stop manipulating situations and live in the real world with responsibility and maturity, especially when you are a dad?
It must be exhausting being him with all the fake bits. and yet, he never stops and carries on. I would not like myself if I were him.

So, all my energy needs to be kept for people who are deserving of it, my kids, my friends and family – not listening to my CGs ROT as the posts said .And doing what I can to move on again. I cant change the past but I am in control of what happens next and one thing for sure is that I dont want gambling to be a part of my life ever again. For that, I know for sure

Thanks for supporting me. I really appreciate it

[jenny t]

I have missed posting. I never thought I would need to talk again but I am all over the place – although I am stronger and definitely not the woman I was as I have learned to cope with so many things – on my own but here goes –

My ex’s parents told me they were back in contact with him and said he was doing really well. I was surprised as I knew how much he hurt them too but that is their son and if they believed he was making changes, then maybe he was? They asked me if he could see his daughter, they would help, and he did not want to go to court or cause any trouble, he just wanted to see his kids. So, I had kept to no contact with him and it really helped me.I was definitely getting on with things. So, his parents intervention worked and I agreed to him seeing his daughter for a tea visit with them. This worked well and my daughter was soooo happy.

I then allowed him to see her on her own – no direct contact with me – and again this went well. I was glad, all I wanted was a better and safer dad – not one who was drinking, gambling, taking drugs or making threats to take me to court. Do we have a way forward? mmm.

So he is making all the effort and he contacts my older kids too. He gives my son money for his birthday, he gives them money for xmas, he goes back to my sons football and I allow him to see his daughter, in my home, on xmas day. He stays for a little while then leaves to go to his parents for a xmas meal,

Too good. But I am glad I am getting help and the kids are still wary but glad they have seen him. He has a better presentation, he is not letting the kids down and he is trying. I know you are asking when is the big but coming?

BUT – he tells me he is off work as he is under investigation for ‘stuff’he done when he was gambling. I ask for more info and he tells me he got a loan of 8000 pounds for the car but then ‘bumped’ this.(I already knew this) He also made illegal claims for his mileage, stating he would calculate the wrong mileage so his work would pay him more when he was apparently doing home visits to clients houses, he told me he was using his works internet in the evenings and weekends and that he also pawned his works phone and also one of their computers and finally, he said he was not working his hours and was falsifying his time. Wow, that is a lot so he tells me he is off sick and stating he is using his mental health as an excuse to be off,mmm,lying again.
He tells me that he is seeking legal advice as he doesnt want to be sacked and then shows me a report from his work about everything he has done. He denies some of it but he has clearly been caught, he will get sacked – just as I was starting to get child support and some money for our daughter. No job, no money and back to me being the only responsible parent.aaarggghh.

So I have listened to his woes about his work but he is still making every effort with the kids and thats more important.
I then get a puppy (we were all so devasted at losing our wee dog so I know the love we have for another wee guy will help. He is gorgeous and we name him Buddy – your buddy helps you in times of need and you help your buddy too).We are enjoying him and my ex offers to help too.

He takes Buddy to his house whilst I am work and kids are at school and it goes well. Then he has some work getting done to his flat and says he can look after the dog in my house. I am very very wary but I tell myself he wouldnt be stupid to steal anything as I would call the police. However, I do take all my bank cards, files with all my paperwork/bills and laptop to my work. I can never trust him again. So it goes well. I get help, he gets more time with the kids and not with me as I am at work.

So, now here is where I need to talk. In the last 2 weeks I have noticed ‘changes’. He is looking very tired.he tells me he is not sleeping well. he also tells me he is struggling financially, (he is working whilst being off work sick, delivery driver, 3 nights per week) where is his money going?he tells me he has not had money to pay all his bills and says he is on half pay and half sick pay. He then asks me one day to put petrol in his car as he can not drive to get the pup or take the kids to school if he has no petrol mmmm. So I am very reluctant but i give him a fiver.Oh i am hating that. Then he comments that he needs his work phone out the shop as they dont know its there and he could get charged with theft. he asks me to make a payment of 27 pounds to get it released. I say NO. (and I get angry too as 2 days before, he made 60 pounds, but told me he bought a bottle of vodka, fags, petrol, phone card and some food when his priortiy should be his works phone).

He then is eating everything when he is at my house, he appears hungry and on some days he is very ‘skint’, not even managing to produce one pound from his pocket. Where is his money going? he is helping with the puppy, kids, even doing my washing BUT please dont think I am not grateful, but he appears to be gaining a lot more than me – warm house, food, electricity, my internet (as he has none as he didnt pay his bill). I have also noticed he has been using my printer/paper/telephone and I am now feeling stupid as I ask myself “What are you doing and here are some signs that make your tummy have a nervousness”

I also find a letter he has tried to copy, but left behind, and it is from his work, saying his full time sickness will now reduce on 14 feb (but he told me he was on half pay)- great big lie, Why?mmm.

So I need a break and dont want him in my house as I have that distrust feeling again. So I am trying to come up with a plan for my dog and my daughter is ill so I tell him I dont need him to help as my daughter will be at home. He then phones her (i am at work) and asks her if he can come to the house to use the internet as he is applying for a new job. Does the library not have internet? aarggh. He arrives and stays for 3 hours (came at lunch time appropriate eh). she contacts me and I have to send a clear message for him to go. I just feel as though he is taking the p..s. He doesnt like my message but does leave my house.

And it gets worse. He tells me he has forced his work into a settlement so he can avoid the sack. If they say No, he will use his mental health and discrimination and take them to court. I cant believe what I am hearing as he totally screwed them and he got caught, now he is a victim again. His work agree and tell him if he hands in his notice, they will give him his holiday entitlement and one months salary and he will walk away with 3 grand. OMG. ever heard the saying – fall on shite and come up smelling of roses..He has done soooo much to his work and gets away with 3000 pound. really!

I tell him he should get a new tv as he has a very small old one and he becomes defensive. He tells me he needs the money to get his car fixed as he needs to sell it. It wont cost 3 grand to fix his car. I ask why he needs to get rid of it. He tells me he got caught, and jailed, a few weeks ago for being 4 times over the legal limit (drink driving). He has to go to court but he is pleading not guilty.omg – the police have evidence. He is then planning on driving when he does get banned as he will need to do his delivery job. He tells me has a big problem and needs my help. His car insurance is up and he needs me to insure his car every month and he will give me the payments (Ha I am laughing as no way in the world am I doing any of this – is he desperate?).He says if I insure his car, if the police stopped him, he would get away with it. He is still trying to break the law. Again he said he was the victim as the reason he drove his car was to get out a party where a guy punched him and he didnt want to stay. My ex is a big man in size and it would take a brave or stupid man to take him on so again I just think – more lies.
His parents know none of this,and he has no road tax or mot either.

So what was I thinking? Is my suspicion right about him possibly gambling again? Where is the changes? and I feel like a silly fool when I said I would NEVER be fooled by him again.
The difference is I dont have the same empathy or sadness now as he nearly destroyed me and I know I no longer am in love with him or ever want him back. I look at him now and think he is a crook. He is a grown man, in his forties and he is being held in police stations for drink driving and still committing crime. thats not a man in recovery.

Oh I am sighing, getting upset, getting frustrated and writing this has helped my head. I have been sitting with this for weeks.

Now I have to decide what to do next? and I think i know but am not sure. All I know is that this addiction and his lies and deceit are not my problem anymore, but somehow I feel as though he is trying hard to make it mine… Advice and support would be very much appreciated.

Thank you for listening.

[jenny t]

Thanks Velvet. I have re read your comments and veras and michelles so many times just now and they give me strength.

All I ever wanted was for my ex to stop gambling and be the father he needs to be, putting his children;s needs before his own but now I know that unless he attends rehab and gets serious ongoing and intensive support, nothing is going to change.

I gave him all the information before but he always made excuses as to why he didn’t ‘need’ more help, that one meeting a week is all he needs and that he knows what to do to stop gambling. I wished so hard that he would become a better person and accept the right supports available to him but on reflection now, I could have prayed, wished and willed for him to do something when in fact, the only person who can change him is himself.

I am less angry today.I found out why he has told lies about being chased by the police and me getting him arrested – he owed a friend’s mum money and he didn’t have this. He had to tell another lie, a convincing one, to aviod paying back the money he did not have. and I honestly was sooo angry that he was using me as the excuse and blaming me for things I have never done but if I look at his reasons why and the addiction again, it makes sense. It is not right and sometimes I feel there is an ‘injustice’ in all that me and my kids have been through but your right Velvet, his work colleagues are not important to me, those who matter know that I am not a liar and I cannot concentrate on what his actions are anymore as it would just drive me crazy, make me angry and resentful and hurt and I don’t want to be that person who becomes bitter. There is enough hurt and sadness that more arguments, battles and ‘fights’ are not worth it . That requires energy and I just don’t have any left for him or his behaviour anymore.

It really is a process of getting to this stage where acceptance becomes reality. And this journey has been exhausting and heartbreaking with so many ups and downs and feelings of every emotion, some I did not think I was capable of (the extreme anger I have felt at times) but now I am done.

I am continuing to have no direct contact with him, because I don’t need to. I don’t owe him anything and my own health and recovery is more important than him now. I never imagined I would say that but the past is the past and I just want to concentrate on a stress free, peaceful time for myself and my children.

Whilst he continues to be in denial about his behaviour, continues to ‘duck and dive’ through using who or what he can to keep his addiction alive, and acts with dishonesty, then it will be a longer process before the trust will even slightly resume and the access to his kids will be longer too.

He did contact me by text a few days ago stating ‘it has been 3 weeks or more since I have seen my kids.can you let me know if I can have access please’.

I went round and round not knowing what to reply, cried most of the day, beat myself up thinking I would be a terrible mum if I said No when I’m sure my daughter would love to see her daddy and maybe this would help him. Then I had to stop and reflect on ‘how positive would the contact be, would he have taken any drugs the night before, if I believe he is gambling, how does that change him and how would I even manage contact as I am determined not to see him at all’ I also wondered what his motivation is as I have stuck to my ‘no contact rule’ and when I have buckled a little, I have re read my posts as you advised Velvet and this really helped.

My ex, I believe, does love his kids in his own way but my 2 older kids don’t want anything more to do with him. And my youngest is 8, and will just need to trust me that I am making the best decisions I believe to be right at this time.And it is often so hard to make decisions when you doubt yourself.

So I replied to my ex with a line saying ‘ No. I can’t give you access at this time’. I have heard nothing since.

It hurts that I can’t trust him, that I can’t see him and that he is missing out on being with his daughter but he is in control of his actions and the choices he makes and when these have a detrimental effect on me and our kids, then I have to protect myself and my kids and say No. Even if he is my ex husband.

Legal costs are the only reason why I haven’t pursued anything. My lawyer said I am in no hurry for a divorce as I am not getting married again and because I work full time, I am not entitled to legal aid due to my salary. It costs 550 pounds to lodge an application for divorce in the scottish courts, plus lawyers fees and agreement of this.
I don’t require any legal orders for the kids as he is not contesting that they live with me. My worry would be if he seeks support through the court for access to his daughter and for me to defend this, would financially cripple me. But he has no money just now and I hope he would not force his daughter into a position where she needs to meet him at times when she doesn’t want to. I will prepare myself for court should it happen but I cannot give myself all the worry for what may or may not happen. I will cross that bridge if it comes to it.

They say when you are dealing with addiction, then the addict needs to live ‘one day at a time’.I never realised just how important that is for me too.

Live for today, cope with what I can, allow myself to recover and take it ‘one day at a time’. and stop giving myself a hard time for what has happened. I never wanted gambling in my life or any one of us to hurt but life gives you many difficulties you never knew you could survive.

And all I want is to survive and thrive, learn from this experience and move on with my life with no more tears and surprises along the way. ‘One day at a time Jenny T, one day at a time’

Thanks for listening. and a few tears as I feel sad but lighter as I have talked to those I know who completely understand. Thank you.

‘

[jenny t]

Thanks michelle for your supportive reply, it really helped.

My GP has continued to sign me off work as I have been really low. I have had no direct contact with my ex for just under 2 weeks and that has helped but imagine my shock when I have started to find out about more lies he is telling and now they are about me.

So, I have stayed away from social media, I have not text or called my cg, I have been serious about my recovery and doing what I can to move on – which still hurts when I think about this last 18 months of devastation, deceit and lies, lots and lots of lies.

And now I have found out that he is absolutely making things up about me as he told someone that I had got him arrested, that he was chased down the street by the police, that he spent time in jail because of me and the reason is because I told the police that he tried to break into my house, and I feel like screaming as I write this as it is soooo untrue. I have never got him arrested as he has not tried to break into my house (I would call the police if he ever did cause me fear or alarm) but he is making out to others that I am this nasty, spiteful person when I have not done anything wrong.

He has also played the victim card and told people I am not allowing him to see his daughter because he rejected me.Oh I am so shocked by this – he got angry in my house 2 weeks ago, shouting at me and my 14 year old as I did not want to spend time with him, I did not want him to come to my sons football with us, because I was trying to back off from all the contact he was having as I was wary and suspicious again of whether anything had actually changed for him (debt letters continued at my door, asking me for shopping receipts, his presentation, my gut instinct saying ‘something wasn’t right’, yet he is saying he is being Kept away from his kids and he does not know why. AArghhh. He was nasty and horrible in my house and my kids witnessed it all. He let his daughter down, who was meant to be going swimming with him, she cried when he left and I was left to pick up the pieces -yet again.

He also has people from his work feeling sorry for him, saying how much of an honest and genuine man he is and he does not deserve to be kept away from his children and their advice is to take me to court. Oh I cannot believe who my ex husband is. Who is this man? this victim? Really.

I want to tell them all and show them the real, manipulative liar he is and all the evidence I have to prove it. It is so hurtful and frustrating that people are being ‘taken in ‘by his lies.

I feel like I have been totally conned by a man that I have loved as he has absolutely ‘played me like a fiddle’ and now when I think of the last few years, I have lived with a split personality – yet the addictive, lying and cunning one has been there a lot longer than I thought.

His acting and victim card is an award winning oscar performance as I was taken in by him too and I have realised that if he doesn’t get anything from you and there is nothing in it for him (which laterly I was doing by backing off from him and not helping or giving him anything) then you are no use to him.

I believe he is gambling, I know he tried to score cocaine again, he owes a friend money and he is living in a make believe land (who tells people they were chased by the police when they weren’t, has the drugs gone to his head or do the lies just come so naturally to him and when they are out, he believes them?)It is not right.It hurts me as I am one of the most genuine and caring people who never wanted him to be out of his kids lives but his behaviour made that happen, his shouting, his gambling, his misuse of drugs, his lies – yet now I am this horrible ex wife according to others.

Why can he not take responsibility for his actions? Be a man and tell people the truth.

I am so determined to keep him out of our lives, but i have the fear of a court battle – if he actually chooses to fight to see his kids but I dont believe he is that interested and he is just trying to look good and play the doting father card and keep himself in the victim, poor me role.

Oh I am sorry if I seem angry tonight. I have just been hurt by finding out even more information about what he is doing and saying and how this is affecting me again.As it is about me and I can’t do anything about it.

I just feel like a fool for believing in him, for thinking it could change, that he could be that good dad, think about his kids rather than himself but when you are an active addict, you are selfish, will use people, tell convincing lies and do whatever it takes to get what you want
– If only he knew how much that hurts me .

[jenny t]

Re read my post and I said “I am not ready to have no contact with my ex”. That is a spelling mistake as I meant I am Now ready to have no contact with my ex. Now is my true meaning. It has taken a lot of time but I am now finally ready to stop all of the contact, whatever the cost.

[jenny t]

Thank you both Vera and Velvet. Your comments have given me a bit of strength and understanding again. I have lost sight of that by being “befuddled” (thanks for that word Velvet, I love that) and love and my caring heart does get in the way of forgetting some of the horrible behaviours of my cg.

However, my eyes are open again (and very puffy from all the crying I have done recently ) but I know the only way to protect myself is to actually do it. and that means to stay strong, stay out of my cg’s way and NEVER be fooled again.

I know there are more difficult times ahead as my cg is unpredictable, He may take court action and attempt contact via the courts with our daughter or he may just be threatening this and not to do anything at all. Either way I am not in control of his actions and I can only prepare myself for more stress but with support again, I will get stronger too.

I don’t know who my ex is anymore. I never imagined that he would do and say the things he has.But it really helps Vera to have your comments about how deceitful and manipulative CG’s can be as whilst this is one part of who he is, it is the most active and damaging and there are no winners from the behaviour he displays. Just that clear message, you once told me, going down the hill in the car – with the brakes on – and the only way to protect you and your children – is to pull yourself from that car before it crashes with you in it.

I don’t want to be even near the car crash again, This addiction has exhausted me and took so much of my energy and tears that I am not ready to have no contact at all with my ex. I wasnt ready before but I know now that I want to recover. I can only do that with no contact at all from him. He is like a dark cloud hanging around my neck and each time I thought the sun was coming through and we had made some progress, the cloud just got heavier again and shut those rays out. And it’s a tiring and emotional game.
I really want no part of it as you are right, What is in it for me?

He isn’t ready to be the father he needs to be for the kids, he is still looking out for himself and his needs above all else and financially I had to get a court order for Child Maintenance, otherwise I would not have had any money for our daughter. So right now, all I am getting is the negatives of stress and tears but also a lot of guessing, suspicion and lies, which I do not need to have in my life anymore.

And I am a bit fragile just now due to dealing with grief and perhaps my weakness is a strength to the cg who needs things from me.

I know that nobody is judging me on this site as people really understand. It is friends and family who dont but they have not lived it and I guess they are just protective as they have watched me get hurt. It just is sooo difficult at times. To see the ‘beast’take over someone and change them so much that it breaks your heart because you can never have imagined that the man you loved, could be that way and that his addiction could be more attractive than you. It is like an affair, an affair with the bookies, being cheated on, lies and suspicion but with huge financial effects and an emotional damage to me and my children.

But now I have to fully recover. My children too. And be prepared for what happens next. For this forum, I will always be grateful as my posts and reply keep me stronger – a little again, day by day.

I cry as I write this post but my tears are going to help me cope. as well as the help from those who understand.

Thank you so much.

[jenny t]

A lot has been happening in the last 2 months. To start with the positives – my son was having contact with my ex as he was taking him to his football practice and this appeared to be going well. His mentor was in touch with me and telling me my ex was doing better and his bankruptcy was in place.
My ex asked to see our daughter and after hearing from my son and his mentor, I agreed.

This was not too much and I believed my ex wasnt gambling.well, you can never be sure.only the cg knows if they have placed a bet.

So, some contact and it was going well.even my other daughter said she wanted to see him and he took all of my kids out for a few fun evenings, spending his money and telling me he was trying to getback the year he had lost with them. I was glad of the support.

Then he asked if we wanted to go on holiday for a few days and he would pay for it. I don’t know what i was thinking but I said yes and whilst he did not pay for all of it, (he paid half), me any my girls and him spent 2 overnights at Scarborough and Flamingoland. I told him we would only be friends and would no be getting back together and he accepted this.
It was “just like old times” but I knew in my heart that it could never be that way again because of everything he had put us through, however, we were both focused on the kids and that was positive.

Then a few weeks ago, my sister in law died and I also had to my best friend, my gorgeous wee dog, to sleep. My sister in law died on the Monday and my dog, on the Tuesday. I fell to pieces and I asked my ex to come to the vet with me. It was his dog too and I would never have forgiven myself if I did not allow him to say goodbye to our amazing wee dog, my family.
He was supportive. I was glad we were getting on.

So I am low, dealing with grief and had so many tears. My GP signed me off work as I have not been coping well but I am wary that the person trying to help, is also the person who broke my heart too . And I have angry friends who hate him and cant believe I have given him contact or even spent time with him again.

So – the cracks – My ex is coming to my house and always appears hungry when he comes to get our daughter. I offer him food and he accepts this. I am also starting to help him out more, just little things I notice but make me wary. I have a set of drawers that I offer to him as he is still building up the materials in his flat. He accepts and I call him to say I can bring them round (as I have waited several weeks waiting on him collecting them and they are taking up room in my livingroom).He tells me when I call that he is still at work, Little does he know that I had just passed him in his car and my son was with me, so telling me he was at work was not true.
Then he asks me if he can take my shopping receipt as he needs this for his bankruptcy accountant. I ask him why he can’t give them his receipt for shopping and he replies that he doesn;t do a lot of shopping.Why Not? He then tells me all
his debts are being dealt with as now he is bankrupt yet I am still receiving letters to my home, from companies saying he owes them money.
So, I am getting suspicious and why am I having to live with this again as we are not together and I really dont know for sure what is going on.

So, I am aware I am low and fragile, aware that he has been a good support with my wee dog and my grief and also trying to establish a relationship with the kids again, BUT, I am feeling on edge. I decide also to make it all about the kids and “pull back” on my time spent with him. I decide I won;t feed him, give him anything and that it is better for me to reduce my contact, after all, its his kids he wants to see? Right? I am also not trusting hhim as something just doesnt feel right but i have no proof.

Anyway, I tell him he can see his daughter but I will have her ready for him at the door. I realise I have made a mistake being too nice and I am angry with myself for even going on the holiday now, even though he was on his best behaviour and the kids had fun.

I tell him I also want to go to my son’s football and that he doesnt need to be there when I am there. I don’t want to see him as I need to get stronger again and having him around , when I now have suspicions again, is not good for me.

So he has told me he has changed, has not gambled for 3 months, is doing well and comes to collect his daughter to take her out for one hour. she is ready and waiting and he comes in briefly, with me telling him I dont want him to go to my sons football this week. He replies we can all go together and I tell him No, I dont want that. And wow – he changes.

I have told him No and rather than respect my decison, he starts to shout at me, in my house, saying all sorts of negative things, how I am trying to control him, when all I want is to not see him and just want to take my son to his football. My eldest daughter comes downstairs and asks him not to shout at me, He gets angry with her. It is awful. He leaves me house, shouting and swearing and has now reverted back to that person he was when he was gambling – threatening to take me to court for access to my kids, threatening to stop me going to australia, and I am left upset and shaken. He also doesnt take my daughter out (which I would not have allowed due to his anger) but she was excited and now is upset. And this is a man who has accepted responsibility for his actions, has changed and is wanting to be respectful.

I then get horrible texts messages and I ignore these. But I spent the day in tears.

I feel like such a fool. I should not have saw him, helped him again, believed him. He has got to me as I am low just now. I really thought he could have been a supportive dad but he was getting access to me and if you take me away, and what I can give him, then where is his incentive to be a part of his children’s lives. I thought he wanted too.

I am soooo very low. I did listen to my instinct again and I guess I had to live through this again to come out the other side. I keep learning and going through the process but I now have to stop. It didnt change, I thought it did.

I need to find strength for what comes next. and I need to post again because that helped me so much before. I just dont want anyone to judge me for letting him back into my life again. I feel like such a fool now because I got it wrong again.

I honestly thought the beast was gone, He wasnt. He was just sleeping

[jenny t]

It has been a rough couple of weeks and I know I am stressed when I start to have nightmares again. A sign for me that I am all over the place again.

So my ex gambled his wages about 6 weeks ago, told me he was going to be murdered – all a lot of nonsense and a lie when he was in desperate need , yet the feelings of anxiety it created in me was very real, unfortunately he doesnt see that, or wants to.

He understands my reluctance to have him back in my kids lives but he tells me that his mentor is helping him manage his money now. I speak to his mentor and he confirms this. He then makes some contact with my 15 year old son as my son has text him and they are talking. I remind my son to be wary but I trust my son more than my ex.

So we are positive again. My son asks him to his football. I am there too and we dont argue.we are there for my son and it is friendly. My ex is Mr Nice. I am keeping my barriers up.
My ex asks if he can talk to me and I agree to telephone contact. This is minimal and he tells me he doesnt want to gamble now. I tell him actions speak louder than words,we will see.

My ex then says he has a new flat and needs to start from scratch as he has nothing for it. he uses gumtree, he gets some free items but he really has nothing. I remind myself this was his actions that caused this and i end up doing something that I cannot even tell my pals about – I buy him a microwave. It is not too expensive and I know I dont have to do this but I help. He didnt ask me but I feel guilty about a comment he once made and I end up buying him a microwave as I know he doesnt have a cooker. He asks my son to help him move a couch he has got from a friend, a fridge he has got for 20 pounds and my son tells me he doesnt even have carpets or blind s and the flat he has moved in to is very poor.

Why am I helping? What proof do I have that anything has changed? I tell myself it is better to be kinder with care and compassion than with anger and resentment but my pals would be angry with me for helping him after all he has done. I have kept this to myself and I have felt guilty as he once said “You put me out the house and all I took was a tv” (which he sold). But I try to remind myself he may not have taken any material things with him when we split but he did steal 10 thousand the first time he gambled as well as so much more.

So he is not asking for anything, he is telling me he is doing the right things, his mentor confirms it and he wants to see his daughter.He writes the kids a letter and tells them he is sorry and he takes the blame for what has happened.He is just wanting us to be friends and it all seems good.mmm,

He tells me he has declared himself bankrupt and he tells me
his job is still at risk. I have still received no money for our daughter and now have a wages arrestment in place which is due to start in August. He wants to see his daughter and I once again agree. But – I suggest he takes her to the local cinema which is very close to my house and there is a morning show which costs £2. He is working 2 jobs, one wage that has been half pay and his mentor is helping with and another cash in hand job that he has 3 nights per week delivering chinese. He says the cinema would be perfect but he cant afford it. What ,£2 pounds each. Really. So I end up having to pay for him to take his daughter out. I shouldnt have, but I didnt want to let my daughter down.

But – there is this feeling that makes me question where his money is? He smokes cigarettes and can afford a packer of fags, but not £2 for his daughter. He has not had any more contact taking her out since that one visit, I am not paying for any more outings.

So I have felt like I have falling into a trap again, where the addiction is maybe there or maybe not but still taking as opposed to giving and all this Mr Nice is hard.

I have felt more tearful again, questioning myself a lot and the ‘support’ I have gave him with allowing my son to help him move, buying a microwave and just trying to get along, which is what is happening – But I just dont trust him. I still believe he has a hidden agenda, that sounds awful but I have been up and down so many times. I miss him, still love him, wont ever be with him again but I know I could be as he would jump at the chance to move back, but I deserve so much more.My kids deserve it too.

Kids do keep the bond there.But I know so much more now, although I have not been seeking out my supports for fear of how pals will judge or be angry with me, only cause I know they care, This is my “safe”place to talk.

It still remains hard all of this.what to do, what not to do, what to believe, the lies he can still tell, my son wanting contact, then helping him manage his feelings too as his dad has let him down so many times before.

He is still in our lives. His addiction is not or is it? I dont know.

Just know this is another part of this experience and I will keep getting through this. More learning. It has not even been a year since we split up and so much has happened, with his addiction trying to take the control. I need to remember that was then, this is now and the only one in control of me, is me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference… The serenity prayer helps in more ways than I ever imagined.

Thank you for continuing to help me on this forum. I am emotional again. Gambling breaks your heart.

[jenny t]

Thanks velvet and dadda for your helpful comments.

I am so glad you didnt run off dadda. Although it sounds like you were being tested to the limit, your kids needed you and you were there for them. It’s very tough I know but FB messages are not real love – your in your children’s lives – where is he? Shows your strength. I appreciate you sharing your story with me and for your comments too.

But – I am once again so very tearful and I feel like a fool again. Why ? Phew…..

I allowed my ex to see our daughter on her birthday and that went well. Then I let him see her again for a short time and it was a gorgeous day so they went to the park. all positive. then he goes out with my son to the golf and is also making an effort with my teenage daughter too – giving her 15 pounds for her birthday (100 pounds for his daughter, my youngest one and 15 pounds for my teenager – promising he will give her more when he gets paid..mmm…)

He is making a real effort and I even go for lunch with him to talk about what the kids need, the baby steps we are taking but also the realisation that I cant forget what has happened but I dont want to feel the anger, hatred (which I really felt at times) and resentment. I would prefer to get on, there used to be good times but I am reminding myself along the way of what I don’t really know about him. what is the truth, what is lies?so i remain wary.

I even let him come to the house for dinner which went well but I am anxious in my house. I am wondering where is my purse, where is my kids banks, what if he takes something, surely he wouldnt? I can’t believe I am so on edge but at the same time, glad for the kids, it feels a bit ‘normal’ but its not, and I also enjoyed him being there.

That is mental. the guy who hurt me, has taken drugs, become a stranger to me, broke my kids hearts and I enjoyed him being around. I hate that. I hate feeling that.

So we have 2 weeks of positive contact, him wanting to help and I have thrown him an olive branch yet again by giving him a little of his family back.
Now I feel a fool as I was suspicious that he was too nice. and on friday at 8.30 am, whilst I am getting ready for work, he calls me (I unblocked my number again). His words “I just want you to know I am going to get murdered”.

I can’t believe what I am hearing, but I am calm, and he explains that he has drug debt and guys chasing him and he has to pay 200 pounds by 9.30am or else. I ask him where his money is, he got paid on Friday – he replies “Gone, I have gambled it, all of it”. And never kept any for the dealers who are after him mmmm. I tell him I can’t help him. Tell him to sell something to raise the cash and he tells me he has nothing left to sell. This part I believe. I tell him to call the police if he believes to be at risk but he advises this is not an option. The police are after him for theft and he tells me he was trying to steal a petrol generator (I dont even know what this is) so he will be arrested. well, a weekend in jail or beat up by dealers? Again, I remain strong and tell him I cant help and need to get to my work.

I am physically shaking. Inside I am a mess and anxious. Is this a tactic (wow a really rotten one if its not true) or is he at risk?either way, I am anxious.

I leave for work and have driven for 10 minutes when he texts me and says “oh you are on the same road as me, my car is right behind you”. I look in my mirror and there he is.has he followed me?he is really desperate.

I stop the car and he invents a story of why he was on the same road as me. So, I invite him to talk and now we get more information.

he has 2000 rent arrears and he has been served with an eviction notice, so he will be homeless again soon and what do I have – a lovely cosy house. He has not asked me if he can stay but is this is motivation to be nice, who knows.
He tells me he is going to lose his job soon. he has pawned his works computer but they dont know yet. he is also being chased by the police for crime.
he now has no money and what do I have – money, I also just got paid. But it is MY hard earned money and although he doesnt ask, he tells me again about the risk to his life. My head is all over the place.

But I give him nothing. I just feel like a total fool for letting him back into my kids lives. Nothing has changed for him. in fact it has got worse.still gambling, about to lose his house, possibly his job and now he says he needs to go bankrupt as “its the only way”. I then hear sorry and he tells me he cant manage his wages. I encourage him to seek help from ga and to seriously consider rehab.

I get to my work and I break down in tears. It is too much. I am so upset and annoyed at myself too. My work are brilliant.

I contact one of his GA mentors (the only guy I know that is still trying to support him) and I tell him everything. He advises that he offered to manage my ex’s bank/wages, help by taking him to meetings but my ex always gave an excuse. He thinks he is in control of the gambling but he is not.

So, I am upset again,crying as I post. Friends are annoyed that I was in contact with him, all have an opinion, my kids are let down again. just feel like my head is going to burst.

When does it get better and all just go away? I thought and hoped he was getting somewhere but no,not even the kids is enough motivation to stop. still not at his rock bottom,I struggle to understand it but i am not a CG so I wont ever understand.

I hate this addiction so much. and all the thoughts and confusion and once again, hurt. but at least i didnt give in, he didnt get my money, but he did knock me back down. Guess I need to find a way back up again.
so upset right now and just cant stop the tears.i am glad i can write. i have been ‘wound up’for days and just trying to pretend i am ok. I will be. i have to be.

thank you for listening.sorry for the long post.

[jenny t]

It has been over a year when I found out my ex had stole from me again and yet there are still many ups and downs.

A few weeks ago, the police are in contact with me for “fuel drive off”,and I contact them to tell them my ex does not live with me.I ask why they don’t know that as it wasnt long ago when I reported suicidal texts from him. But different departments and I guess just my exhaustion at having to deal with the police – again. They tell me it was for fuel drive off on 31st dec and I give them my ex’s details. No more police I hope.

My ex contacts me on a private number, which i answer.(I thought it was the police again as that is what is displayed on my phone when they have called me) He tells me he doesnt want to argue or lie (mmm) and tells me that he doesnt have a cocaine addiction but I was right, he has been using negative coping strategies.He tells me he is sorry and he will give me space. And he does. wow. I have no tactics for a bit and I can get some strength back.

He contacts me again and asks to see our daughter. He understands this will be supervised and I wont let him be with her on his own. He does not push me into a decision and this time, I get some respect. He also gives me the number of one of his mentors and says I can call him to find out how he is doing, I am wary, we are being Mr Nice but I go along with it. I am not pressured into anything and most importantly, for the first time in over a year, I believe there is a genuine interest now for his daughter.

Still feel a big BUT as I am so wary. I just dont trust him but then I feel more in control of what I am doing now and I dont have to prove myself to our daughter, he does. He asks to see her and I agree to a 30 min visit in mcdonalds. My daughter is super excited about seeing her dad and it goes well.
He has asked to see her again and also my son wanted to meet him too. We arrange a brief meeting at the toy shop and again all is well. he even gives me 100 pounds as my daughters birthday is near and although I have still not received any child support money, I take the 100 pounds.

He doesnt talk about himself, his presentation is well, he wants to know all about the kids and my kids are pleased – but I am still very protective and know that this may not last. The difference for me is I dont expect it to, I just hope it will. I wont expect anything as then I will get disappointed.

So the ups and downs are still there as I still feel confused and never know if I am doing the right thing. Contact for our daughter will only be minimal as he has to do a lot to make things right, if he can, but I will stop this and pick up the pieces again if I feel my daughter is going to be affected by him in any way.

I wonder where the addictive monster has gone? That sounds harsh but I dont know if anything has changed, if he does still take drugs, when was his last bet, and am i doing the right thing seeing him with my daughter and son? although it is for a short time,I just dont know.

Addiction causes me doubt but I understand more now that the man I have seen and the behaviours he has displayed, has been an active CG.When he gambles, he is like the beast in the room. I get that now Velvet. When he is in recovery, He is the caring loving man. So different.

I have experienced abusive behaviour, manipulative tactics, a selfishness and some of the most anxious, depressing and lowest moments of my life – and all caused by compulsive gambling and the real, damaging effects of this. I have lived with a ‘stranger’ and if it wasnt for this forum, I would not have understood what a cg is and how self care is the most valuable thing of all.

I feel I am still learning, I am still wary, I am feeling a little bit stuck just now, I am trying to keep out of the car crash but also allowing a little contact between my kids and my ex. Only his behaviour and trying this will tell if it is good for my kids or not. It is not about what he wants anymore, but what my kids want.

It feels hard. I am just going to rely on my instinct and I know this has not let me down before.

How will I truly know though if he is not gambling again or not using drugs? These are questions I dont know how to answer,

I just need to keep doing what is right for me and the kids? but I am trying to work that out just now.

Different emotions again but I feel I am coping better, although I had a few days of tears again. I now know that my ocean is becoming a river, the tears are less but still there.

Maybe one day the tears will dry up altogether, but until then, I will just keep talking. I just feel wary, and hope that my ex can continue being nice but most importantly, trying to repair at least some of the damage that he has done to his kids because if I rely on my gut, I know he will never be able to repair it all.
very small baby steps, and with caution. Oh even when the CG is not in your life, he still is. I dont know if that makes any sense.

Thank you for listening

[jenny t]

Thank you Twilight for your comments. i appreciate that and your heart felt reply about your dad.I am sorry he couldn’t be the dad you needed. That I understand, as my ex wants no part of recovery too.

My head has been all over the place in the last few weeks. I hit a low and fragile period, feeling physically ill and rundown, having a virus and dealing with stress at work and being tired running after my kids. and who was back on the text being nice? yes,my ex. I thought he was being genuine as he was asking about the kids and although that instinct of mine was still there telling me he was still gambling, I wanted to believe for a wee while that he was “the man I used to know”. So, I took my daughter to the park and said he could come and see her there but only for 30 minutes. The last time I allowed contact was in December and I still haven’t forgotten that he has made no real effort to let his kids know he is the dad they need him to be, no letters,no cards,no positive contact/effort. But I am low.

He comes to the park.It is positive.I tell him it is baby steps as I am very protective of my 7 year old.He says he will do what it takes to be in her life. Easter Sunday he asks if he can give the kids easter eggs. I meet him but only for 15 minutes as I am feeling unwell and I feel he can’t wait to get away. (It is a Sunday, a previous betting/drinking day).
Still all is ok.

BUT – it changes. He asks me if he can take our daughter to the cinema,on his own.In the last 3 months he has only seen her for 45 mins. AND I am approached by a very reliable friend who asks me if I have met my ex lately. When I say yes she advises me I need to be careful, she is not one to gossip but she is genuinely concerned for me. I ask her why and she tells me he has a serious COCAINE ADDICTION NOW. Oh i am gobsmacked.

I find out he had a 500 pound debt to drug dealers and now it makes sense, he advertised his old car for 500 pounds. I thought that was for gambling. He was on facebook trying to sell items, drugs now, cocaine is expensive. I am told he has debt to drug dealers for 600 pounds and he also has items in a pawn shop (it was his birthday in March and his sister gave him a lovely watch, is it now being used for money?) I am shocked.

I contact my ex and I am calm and ask him when did he last use cocaine.He lies. He tells me January. He was in the dealers house a few weeks ago and also was trying to get cocaine an hour before I called him. I tell him I know about the drugs and I am concerned for him but there is no way I will allow contact now. I have no trust and I also ask him if he gambled. He says No but again he has been seen going into the bookies and there was the post of him with a ladbrokes receipt. His reply astonishes me “Yes I did go into the bookies but I wasn’t gambling”. He is a CG.
He then tells me I am a liar and I am just calling him to bring him down. He totally changes and becomes aggressive, shouting at me and calling me a liar, saying I just want to hurt him. I am gobsmacked. And what did I expect, the truth?

Now I have a different man, angry, argumentative, threatening to take me to court, to never allow me to take our daughter to Oz, to “wait as you will be hearing from someone pretty soon”.Why? because I said No or really because I caught him again.Because I now know.

I am now giving him a clear message to stop or I will involve the police. I am very upset. What on earth was I thinking a couple of weeks ago? Hope that he could be there for his daughter when now he is using cocaine, drinking alcohol, gambling, working 2 jobs and still functioning.How is this possible. His head and body must hurt.

So, I spend time with friends and I tell his parents again of what has happened. They are angry but concerned. They try to reasssure me that he won’t go through the courts but I really don’t trust him.

All this happened on Saturday and I wake up today and find a text message sent to me at 12.45 am which is abusive, calling me poisonous and saying he has took 95 aspirin as its the only way. I am upset. i have never been called poisonous in my life. I wasn’t shouting or being horrible to him. I now have that physically anxious sick feeling that he has done something stupid.I wonder if he has, he has threatened before. I am a mess again and I am meant to be getting ready for work.

I call a friend for support at 7am, I then phone the police and ask them to check he is ok. And guess what, he is.I am deflated. He obviously wanted a reaction. I have now blocked his number.

I go to work.Little concentration. His parents tell me the police went to their door. Does my ex consider or think of any of this? the effects his behaviour has? I am done. I haven’t protected myself enough.

Vera once posted something that was helpful to me and it was about being in a car, with the brakes failing and I had to pull myself and my kids to safety or we would all crash. I feel as though I have just been in that car crash. Dazed, emotionally battered, confused, shocked, hurt but still got some strength to walk away.

You know what the hardest part is – I feel that I have now totally given up on him and that hurts me. I am a caring person and I thought maybe seeing his daughter again would help, us talking without any negativity would help, but really I forgot that the only person that can help him, is himself.

It hurts.It really hurts.

Need to find that strength again. Now I have made that final step to block his number,my worry though is what next?

Sorry for the long post. I have been keeping all of this in and it has took a lot for me to post again. I know other cg’s have commented on my posts before and I have never ever wanted to offend anyone with anything I write. I hope anyone reading this is not upset .
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Author]

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