[I_Maverick]

Hi Richard

Well done on coming here. I am on day 126 of not gambling and slowly I feel the beginnings of recovery. I could not have done it without this site and GA. I URGE you to consider GA. There are meetings all over the country. They will understand you, advise you, be friends with you. I go to 3 meetings a week in 3 cities. Derby, Stoke and London. I am 42 and back living with my parents as my wife and I have no split up but I come to London once a week for 3-4 days to see my young son. He means the world to me. If ever I get gambling thoughts I think of losing him forever. And that will happen.

I wish you the best, keep posting, block your accounts, get somsone to hold and manage your finances, self eclude. DO everything youc sn to put distance between you and an urge to gamble. If you make it hard to gamble you will find the urge passes and you are back incontrol.

Good luck mate, stick around.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

This thread started when I cam out of GMA a broken mad. But I knew what I needed to do. NOT GAMBLE. Everything else would take care of itself.

1) Find more GA groups. DONE. I go to Derby on a MOnday, Stoke on a Tuesday and London on a Thursday where I do a steps meetng followed by a meeting. I have kept that up until this week when I was in London for the Tuesday because of work. So I did 2 meetings in London on Tuesday and I am doing 2 this even. I need the medecine. GA reminds me every time I go what will happen if I relapse. Someone just relapsed in my group. He lost a lot of money but more than that he is suicidal again needing lots of care and attention.

2) Get back on the National Problem Gambling CLinic waiting list. Done. I ahve had 2 assesment and have another on on Sept 11th, and hopefully treatment starts towards the end Sept.

3) Start looking at debts. I have no almost completed my list of all my debts and then I speak with Business Debt Line to deal with the company and personal debts

4) Work. Work is trickling in without making much of an effort. When I start putting myself out there I am sure it will come.

5) Always be there for my son. Depsite living 160 miles away form London I am spending at least 3 days a week with him and loving every minute

6) Start my steps. I am doing that with NA as I swapped drugs for gambling and do not want to go back to drugs.

Not had a drink since 1st Feb 215, not gambled since 2nd April 2015 and not taken a controlled susbstance since new year when I had a spliff. Have been in NA now for 33 days so I get a new keyring next time I go.

7) Treat myself fairly. I have done what I have done, its in the past. By focusing in the here and now I can start to fix and repair things. It will take time – infact the rest of my life, but that;s good.

8) Keep going to GA even when I don’t want to. That’s when I most need it.

9) Just for today I will not gamble. And so far I haven’t.

I love this site I love everyone here. RIght now I am up but tomorrow I could be down, and infact if I think too hard about the past it makes me go down. Self pity soon sets in so I have to be aware of that as when I start feeling sorry for myself I feel the urge for my crutches such as gambling or dugs to escape the pain. For now I want to feel the pain as it is real and real is good. No more plastic fantastic escapism.

Today is a good day, and I am grateful for that. I have a car to sleep in, I can afford food, I am showered and brushed my teeth and I have some satisfying work on for this weekend. My son is healthy I am healthy and slowly good things are happening again. But if I am not careful bad things will happen and sometimes they will happen and I have no control over them except how I react.

God (as you choose to understand him/her/it) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Love to you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks P and Angie for your posts on my thread. It always warms the cockle of my heart when people make the effort to respond to the drivel I sometimes write on here.

I am back in London and sleeping in the car tonight. I have it all organised. I was gonna stay with a mate but he failed to tell me he has to leave at 5:30 in the morning for an early shift, and I would have to leave at that time too. Now I have to be at Monica’s by 7:30 but 5:30 is too early for me to get my shit together. I told a lie and said I had somewhere sorted. No need to worry him. He knows I sleep in the car sometimes. He thinks it’s funny. What’s useful is that his shower is buggered anyway so I asked Monica if I could shower at her place and that’s fine. She doesn’t know I sometimes sleep in the car as she’ll think I do it to have a go at her. the truth is I enjoy it. I actually get a good nights sleep. It’s my car and my space. I have a quiet car park and I get wifi from the local pub. With my inverter I can watch TV on the laptop and not kill the battery.

The last 2 days have been stranger. Have not really been here. Right now I feel much more on top but the truth is I do not trust any of my emotions. I think i was sort of numb for so long gambling I have forgotten what true, real emotions are. I have traced it back to my medication. A few weeks ago I forgot my medication and spent 6 days without it. During those 6 days I started to feel I was coming out of a dream. Then I had a meeting with the doctor who said that was bad. She prescribed me a lower dose. The truth is with this anti-depressent is that the lower the dose the more it makes you sleepy. Since then I have been sleeping longer, deeper, and been really wooly during the days. So I have decided, as I am seeing teh doctor next week, I am stopping again for a few days to see how I feel and how my energy levels are. My reality won’t change but hopefully my approach on my reality will.

There are lots of positive things floating about and I need my full consciousness. I need to be alert to the changes that are about to take place. Finacially I am in a shit position with no or little money coming in and the overdraft almost maxed out. However i will keep faith with my higher power. I feel that things are about to change. If I need to I will speak with my parents about borrowing some money off them until I find work again, which I feel will happen soon. I just need to decide what kind of what I want, and when it comes I need to be on full form.

My heart goes out to those who are struggling to kick this awful habit. I am so glad that even though I could have gambled I truly haven’t. Today is day 118 since the last bet. That is a drop in the ocean but almost 4 months. 2 more months to get the next keyring. I get my next keyring with NA on Sunday evening marking 30 days since my first NA meeting.

I know I am doing the right things but I also know that recovery cannot and will not be rushed. It cannot or it is not true recovery. This will take years. That is a hard fact to take. It will take me a few years to get back on a sound financial footing but hopefully when it does I will be smarter about the way I live my life and interact with others.

I think I do not see the world in the same way as others. I do not see myself as others see themselves. I am going to find out what is wrong with my mind and why I think the things I do, and why I believe the things I do. There is so much for me to learn about myself, and I am happy I am on that course again. Gambling robbed me of curiosity. It blanked me out. All I wanted to do was gamble, play a game which had no end except ruin. I lost I always lost and if I gamble again I will lose again. It is impossible to win. I know that now.

So, to finish, I am grafteful for my health, my parents, my family, my son, the good weather, my overdraft, the fact I ate, I have somewhere to sleep, and I have a future. Which for a long time I didn;t, I only had a miserable present. And that is good.

One day a time onwards and upwards.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Welcome home Charles, and not a minute too soon. I will see you on Friday evening. Hope you go some diving, I look forward to going back Scubaing at some point.

Best

Mav

[I_Maverick]

You are so right dearest Vera. This is a hangover of the damage done by gambling. The low mood is needed for me to realise how much damage I have done and the state of my life. It is in my hands, I just need the strength to do action.

I will not gambling as there are now answers there.
I will not take drugs as there are no answers there.
I will set myself 5 simple tasks for today and be grateful when I achieve them.

See you soon and all my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Vera and Angie and everyone else who reads my posts. Today is a weird day. Feeling low, unmotivated. A real struggle to get stuff done. I was in a good mood last night after I got back from NA, but last night I had a dream of gambling. First one. I have read other people having similar dreams. The oddest thing abouit this one was that the dream of gambling was a dream within a dream. A bit like inception. I was gambling, but like in sludge. It didn’t feel like me, like I was in my own head but only able to watch. I don’t know if I was winning or losing, I was just playing. But I knew I shouldn’t but then I ‘woke up’. I was confused as I was somewhere I didn’t know, and then I really woke up at home. Very odd.

The weather is now starting to get me down, and the enormity of what I have done is getting to me. I have been thinking of not going to my GA meeting tonight but I know that that is the addictiomn talking/ So I will go, as I don’t want to. They say those are the most important meetings.

I got an email on Saturday with the copmanie’s corporation tax bill. Another 10K of company debt. I guess that puts the stake through the dying vampire’s heart. That makes over 30K of debt for the company. There’s no way I can trade out of that so this week I am seeing my accountant and finding out what we can do. I want to keep the rights to the films. It’s gonna be messy but I know I will feel relieved when that is sorted. Except I cannot be arsed. I just want to bury my head in the sand. This is my lowest day for months.

The urge to forget it by getting high by either gambling or taking drugs is quite strong, just to forget my troubles for a short while. Except i will know they are always there and the highs will be empty. That’s why I started NA, to head that off at the pass as it were.

I will join the open group at 1pm today if anyone fancies joining me.

God bless you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Just a quick check in. Day 115 since my last bet. My life is still a wreck, still living at my parents, still driving to London for a few days at a time a week, spending more time with my son, focusing on recovery. As long as I do not gamble I know I am put the pieces back together.

I am attending at least 1 or 2 NA meetings a week and am working the steps. I can’t afford for that addiction to make a reappearance in my life, so heading that one off at the pass. NA is an amazing fellowship, similar but very different to GA. I am almost at 30 days since joining and do not regret it for a bit.

Love to you all, not much to report except to say that my life goes on, one day at a time.

I am grateful that this site exists, that GA exists, that NA exists, that I want recovery, that I am loved and I love back.

Most of all I am grateful that with recovery, I can have a life which is truthful, honest, open and fruitful.

Love to you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Didn’t manage to make the gym yesterday as I decided I would go running after GA. I did. I am on my 3rd week of running Mon, Wed and Fri. I was properly sweating. I am off the opticians today, but before that I will go to the gym and then I will go to GA. Today I am working slowly but steadily on untangling the financial mess I am in. This is not just due to gambling, but due to not taking things seriously.

The meeting at GA went really well last night. I took the meeting which was amazing. I was on a high when I left. Everyone thanked me. Usually this meeting does not so readings from the Orange Book but yesterday we read 3 and finished with the Just For Todays. Everyone got a lot from that and people were happy.

I feel I am making small bits of progress, just got to keep it up. With the help of GA, NA, my Sponsor, This site and soon the National Problem Gambling Clinic I will arrest this illness one day at a time.

I did an gratitude list last night and this morning. Wow they have power.

My love to everyone here, be good.

[I_Maverick]

Hey Vilkku, you have no idea (and nor do I) but I think we have a huge amount in common. We are not alone. But from what I have gleaned about you we share LOTS of things in common.

Write your story here, share it with us.

In the meantime, I have taken more massive steps to recovery. I had another argument with my (soon to be ex) wife last Thursday. Again at the end of a very long day which started at 4am with the drive to London, and ends as I try to leave to go to GA after dropping off our son. I know when the arguments stop it is because I am UNable to sit back and take whatever criticism she has. Also we may have more work from our client who funds the Deaf films, and she has been working for them while I have been off sick. SO if more work comes in it is for us and not just me, so we do have to find a way of working together as well as sharing our son. Perhaps that is our destiny, as we always used to work really well together.

I hit day 100 on Saturday and went to Brighton to see my best mate and his family. There was a barbecue on the beach in Brighton. It was bloody windy. On the Sunday morning we FaceTimes my (soon to be ex) wife who put Valentin on so his kids could say hello. They treat our son as their little brother which is so awesome.

Today I took another massive step. As I explained I bought myself an iPod Touch so I could use the running app which is a couch to 5K app which has a voice which tells you when to run and walk. It is an old iPod so cannot run the latest os. This means you cannot download the latest software. Everything written now on the App Store runs on iOS 7 and my iPod only runs iOS 6. This is a protection. However, I can download old versions of software which I had previously bought and there were 9 poker apps on there. They were not all money apps, some were only ‘play’ money but I know now I cannot ever play poker again. I have so far resisted downloading them but I know how devious this addiction is. I can only delete them in iTunes but NetNanny blocks access to the iTunes store. My mum has the NetNanny password so this morning we disabled the computer, logged into iTunes, deleted the apps and then protected the computer again, testing it out. At first the gambling sites were not locked, so it took 10 more mins but we did it. To download any new software I have to first download it from iTunes so that then I go to the cloud in my iPod and it will download the old version that way. This means that to download and install any new software I have to go through iTunes, which means I need my mum to disable iTunes. This is extra protection and now makes me very happy. I made the right choice in getting the iPod as I am running 3 times a week with it. I download Radio programmes from the iPlayer and listen to them while I run. Mainly science programmes.

I am off to the gym now, then off to GA in Derby tonight where I will take the meeting for the first time. I am speaking with my sponsor from NA every day, doing a gratitude list and starting the 12 steps soon. I am so glad I have started to go to NA as I found myself thinking about drugs (mushrooms and ecstasy and dope primarily) wondering if the time was right for me to get high again. But that was my first addiction. I didn’t just do drugs to have fun in the end, I used them to destroy myself. Back when I was 24 in 1998 I ended up again at my mum and dad’s due to heroin addiction. Funny how things repeat. So now I am addressing the fact that my name is Maverick and I am an ADDICT.

Love to all, see you soon

Mav

[I_Maverick]

I hope we do not hear from you again for 14 weeks as you should start today. Good luck Ian.

[I_Maverick]

Cheers Charles, have a great break you deserve it. It;s funny that even in a non group you can’t type 😉 But that doesn’t matter, you have been such a help to me I can’t wait to see you in a group again. Love to you and yours.

[I_Maverick]

Well done mate. My assesment went well as well. I should start in Oct, which will mark 6 months gamble free hopefully. So glad your bro and sister in law know as well, a problem shared etc etc.

You are really inspiration Micky, I haven’t been through half of what you have been through, genuinely, but I have own own unqiue set of problems and none of uys are any worse or better than any one else.

You are an inspiration to me in recovery so I hope you stay around, keep posting of your recovery and how it is going. You are an amazing bloke who has faced the abyss the abyss and the abyss faced you. You have gained so much from that which will be a positive force going forwards.

See you around mate, hope to bump into you by accident one day at the NPGC.

take care and have a great week.

[I_Maverick]

Funny you should mention The WIzard Of Oz. I heard an amazing radio programme about it the other day. Turns out that the cowardly lion is more brave than people who act brave, as he was aware of his fears and that take more courage. We must be fearful of our addiction, but at the same time not let it control us. To be aware of it, to accept it (I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER) is to be in charge of it. To deny it gives it power and means that we can say I AM NOT A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER ANYMORE, SO I CAN GAMBLE AGAIN.

I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE A COMPUSLIVE GAMBLER. I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE.

Love you posts, you are brave and beautiful and if you were my mum I would be dead proud of you. The best mums in the world are those who know they are flawed but are great anyway.

All the best to you and yours.

[I_Maverick]

Hey Smee

I had to write. I think it’s great you are back, but it’s a shame you went away and did even more damage. I know that pain. Today is day 102 for me since my last bet but as the GA Handbook says I am only 1 bet away from utter destruction. Today I took more steps to protect myself by removing more opportunities to gamble. I did it with my mother next to me who has the password to netnanny on my computer. We had to unprotect the computer so I could access iTunes and delete all my old gambling apps as I bought an old iPod touch. This machine cannot download modern software BUT I had old gambling apps on the cloud. They COULD be dowbnloaded and for 2 weeks I have resitsted but I simply do not trust myself. Netnanny also blocks iTunes from accessing the iTunes store. So together my mum and i unlocked the computer, accessed the cloud on iTunes, deleted ALL gambling apps, and then protected the computer again. I do not know the password. I know this means I have to treat myself as a child, but jesus I sure acted like one.l I would rather not go into the ways I acted with my wife suffice to say I did not act like a man in middle age.

PROTECT YOURSELF. GET SOMEONE HELP WITH YOU FINANCES. MAKE YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE.

If I gamble my parents will ask me to leave, my friends will not speak with me and all I will have is GA. I am at the last chance saloon and I AM NOT GOING TO **** THIS ONE UP.

I hope you do not. I am 42, old enough to start again people say. You are only 24. What I would give to be 24 again… wait, I was a heroin addict, so maybe not.

But I am now in NA as well as I have been having thoughts of taking drugs. I am an addict, whether gambling, drink, drugs. It doesn’t matter. I use substances to escape the fact I don’t seem to like myself, but I need to find out why.

Go to the GA Website and find a chapter near you. It will help. Speak with the National Problem Gambling Clinic. Speak with Gordon House if you need it. Protect yourself and start building to a good future. If you save all that money by 24 imagine what you will have by 40 if you never gamble again. If you gamble you will have less than nothing, you may be dead. This addiction kills. More gamblers committ suicide than any other addiction. That ios a horrific statistiuc.

Stay on the site, confide in us, pour your thoughts onto the web. It helped me a few months ago when I was at rock bottom. I am no longer at rock bottom, but I am only a short way from it. One slip and I will fall lower than before. I know it. I remind myself what will happen. I used to think I will stop for a bit then gamble safely. That is nonsense and the addiction talking. I can NEVER gamble again. I understand now that I am a CG. This means i=that even if I win, I lose. And if I lose I lose. I always lose. What’s the point of doing something you can never win at and which might kill you? **** that.

Good luck fella, my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find the courage to talk to your mum – I am sure she will support you. She’s your mum. Mum’s are amazing and forgiving. But I am so aware now of not taking the piss.

See you around.

[I_Maverick]

Superb Fritzy. 145 days. Amazing. Today is 102 for me and I can honestly say that while I don’t have much recovery in me yet, I sense it every day I do not gamble. I took more steps today by adding to the blockers stopping me from gambling, as I really do not want to gamble ever again.

You were one of the inspirations to me on this site and to see you are still here is wonderful.

Take care and stick around – there are people in pain who you can help with you small bits of knowledge which you can share amongst us all.

Love to your family

M

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