[I_Maverick]

So I am in the office and I have so much to do to deliver a big project that the relapse prevented me from doing. But the urge to find a new poker site which I have not self excluded from is enourmous. I really don’t understand this addiction. I know I cannot play and I do not want to play – and yet I want to play. Why? What good can come from it? Can I win the time back I have lost? No! Can I win the money back I have lost? No, that is gone. Can I win back my child and wife’s love? Of course not. Can I win back my self respect? Nope. Can I win back happiness? No. Infact, I will lose those things even more. I WILL lose money, I WILL lose time, I WILL lose my self respect.

Just writing this down helps so much, I wish I had done it earlier. But life is perfect with 20/20 hindsight.

I feel so down at the time and money I have wasted, the opportunities I have wasted, the situation I am in now is a direct result of not being able to control my gambling. I am must remember that it is gambling, not just playing poker. Becuase no matter how focused I was when I sometimes played, how I sometimes won, I never cashed out my winnings and I was alwasy chasing losses, getting caught up in tilt and then making stupid decisions, hating myself for it. And I never want to be there again.

When I get these urges I try to remember the bad times, how it felt to be losing, to know I was hooked again, 8 hours later with nothing to show for my time during work hours, hating myself for it, not eating, playing badly, desperate for AA and then going all in only to be beaten by JJJ on the flop and then depsoting again becuse I have no bankroll management.

I remember how obsessed I became trying to become a better player, and now I know you can never become a good player without losing huge amounts of money. What was meant to be a fun activity became so destructive.

SO I sit here at my desk, with my staff around me who know nothing about this, knowing I cannot. I know that this post has helped me feel better, it has put into perspective what I must do – and that is do an honest days work for an honest day’s pay and pull myself out ofthis whining, selft-pitying hole which is pathetic. I am sick of being sick, I am sick of being depressed.

I know that if I can go today without gambling and I can get my work done I will feel happy. I am planning to go to GA this evening and continue my recovery.

At 3pm today will make 3 days bet free. And that feels good. One day at a time.

Thanks

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Really struggling today. This morning I have been very selfish. Everything has been about me and not my family. I have this urge to destroy myself and everything. I feel as if I cannot get better but I must. I must do it for the same of my family. My little boy doesn’t deserve a dad as pathetic as this.

I have so much work to catch up on. The most important thing is to focus on my tasks and feel good about myself. To be proud of a god days work. It is such a long time since I have done one of those. The depression added on top of the relapse is killing me.

Any advice on how to get through today on how to focus and forget the past and just work on now is gratefully appreciated.

I will post again this evenng.

Love to all and thanks

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks for your comments they mean a lot.

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