[I_Maverick]

Hey Mav (always tickles me writing that),

I hope you are having a good day. I don’t know if you have ever done thought experiments, but I have a few now which work for me. Even though I am coming up to my year I get odd moments where a thought about gambling appears. Maybe I am low on money, or bored, or just day dreaming. Instead of pushing it away I play with it.

I picture myself logging on online and playing online poker. I then imagine myself playing, waiting for cards, winning a few, losing a few and then I get a bad beat and suddenly I am on tilt, just chucking money away, getting more frantic. Then I am on roulette, chasing my losses losing more. And suddenly all the hard work I have put in means nothing. I have to tell everyone I love I gambled again, and that makes me feel sick. I take a deep breath and smile, and remember why i can never gamble.

Sometimes I picture myself winning, but then I keep playing because I can’t stop until I have lost it all. I have lost hours and hours and hours of time, money and again, I have to tell everyone. Or I have to keep gambling to try and win it back, which is highly unlikely, and then I have to lie and the depression starts again and I am back to square 1.

These scenarios and more are based on my personal experience, your thought experiments will be based on your experiences.

I cannot, no matter how hard I try, ever imagine a positive gambling scenario. It’s impossible. If I win I will keep playing until I lose, and if I lose I will chase until I lose more.

And then I feel free again, and I am pleased with what I have achieved so far in my life, and how much more I want to achieve.

I remember the first time I heard about you, I thought it was amazing someone chose the name Maverick. It is obviously so close to my chest and something that comes up a lot in my therapy, how much I have been affected my whole life by my attitude to the name I was given by my dad. That’s one of my burdens in life, one I will grapple with all my life.

GA helps me, but the thing that helps me the most is remembering that I cannot win at gambling. Long term, no one can. And the mental damage it does is not worth it.

I hope you have a good day, take care and all my love.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

How are you doing me old mucker? How is the relapse prevention going. My love to you,

[I_Maverick]

A lot of what you wrote in your update rang true with me. My relationship ended but that was probably for the best. In truth we get on so much better now and I am develping a cool relationship with my son. There are bright spots on the horizon, which would not be there if I as gabling. I know that.

Sorry for spelling errors, tired and off to bed.

Take care eeryone.

[I_Maverick]

Hope you’re good brother.

Let your higher power in, doesn’t have to be god. Just something bigger than you that will, if you stop engaging, tak care of you.

See you around Mav

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Gutted to see you changed your name back.

I was gonna wait until I did a year, but something told me to check in. I hope you are ok. I’m a little bit sad to see a number of the same people here still struggling, but it is worth it. It is however a daily thing. The biggest lesson so far for me is that recovery is not an event, it doesn’t just happen overnight., It is a process which takes the rest of your life, and it can include lapses and relapses (though its better if it doesn’t). It’s all part of the process. Giving p booze and going to NA has helped me hugely, and I am now on my therapy at the NPGC (though in all fairness I am not sure how much use it is after 5 sessions, but I am giving it my all).

Gotta walk the dog now, but I was thinking of popping into a group this week.

Take care Sad, see you around.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Just caught up with your posts. I enjoyed your postings a year ago, they always gave me strength. So happy you were able to pull away at the last minute. You are still in the lead of the longer abstinence between us and I want it to stay that way. You were an inspiration to me a ear ago. I get my year on 2nd April 2016. So much has changed for me it is impossible t write in a single post, it would go on for ays.

each day I remind myself why i cannot gamble, drink or take drugs. Because I am an addict. I am powerless over my addictions and they make my life unmanageable.

Keep it up, ad see you around.

[I_Maverick]

To all my friends, it is a year since I first came to this site. I was a wreck, as are almost all CGs when they realise that they’ve reached what they pray is the last rock bottom.

Thanks in no small part to this site, Gordon Moody, GA and the National Problem Gambling Clinic, as well as NA and on my part a determination to enter a period of recovery that will last the rest of my life, I am now 10.5 months gamble free.

I have had a quick scan through the posts and I some old familiar names and new one. I will take some time to get back into it as I feel now I have lessons to share.

On Feb 2nd I celebrated a year without drinking alcohol. I could not have stopped gambling if I had no stopped drinking. I have spent the last 5 months sleeping in a garage (which I made very cosy) but for the last 2 weeks I am looking after my exes flat 9where I used to live) while she is visiting family n Colombia with out son.

So much has changed. I have changed and I change every day. Right now I am grateful for indoor plumbing and running water. It is a real luxury.

Quitting gambling was the best thing I have ever done, but oddly i am grateful for having been a CG because without that I would never have realised what an addict I am in so many areas of my life.

Not gambling is easy now, what’s the point. I never win and even when I win I still lose. I would rather spend my energy on positive activities. I am now 6 days smoking free (though not nicotine using the ECigs as I do).

Work is ok, I spent LOTS of time with my son when he is here. Every day is a new adventure, I achieve small things, I relax, meditate, tae the do for a walk and try to learn from what I did but not wallow in it. A year ago I had to quit gambling, and it took 6 weeks of insanity. I still remember my last bet.

I work the steps in a random order, but that works for me.

I used to use this site every day and post crazy stuff, but it allowed the stuff out of my head.

To all my old friends who are still on the site, I love you all and hope you are all ok. To the new people who have found this site, I hope you find your way through. Life AFTER gambling is fantastic. And it gets better every day. Life is not a bed of roses for me, I am in huge debt and have lots of work to fix things – but I have time and as long as I do not gamble, drink, take drugs etc, then I have the headspace to be able to approach these tasks with strength and believe knowing that tomorrow will be here soon enough so lets make the most of now.

Al my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hilarious. I decide to check it and who is almost at the top but Fritzy. Well done on the year fella. I am going to post a positive update, but I know now why my higher power suggested to me checking in. Good on ya, you tae care.

[I_Maverick]

That is how long it has been since I had a bet. It feels amazing. It is also 94 days since I started going to GA and I last had a drink on Feb 2nd of this year, 8 months ago.

I am free at the moment from my multitude of addiction and negative behaviours, but I know any or all of them could come back at any time. I pray that this is not just a lull away from gambling, with more heartache and pain to come. That this period away from gambling is not forever.

I hear stories in GA of people who were away from gambling for a long time, stopped going to GA and then one day, for a reason they can never really explain, they placed a bet. That bet is then followed by another bet, and another and before they know it they are back in the cycle of problem gambling. Usually with more venom and ferocity than before, as if the addiction has just been waiting, that now it is stronger. The chemicals rush through the brain, and suddenly they are borrowing, stealing, lying, not working, feeling suicidal, sinking lower and lower.

I do not want that to be me, or anyone else. But I only have control over my own actions, and only through my own actions. One day at a time if I do not gambling, do not drink and do not take any drugs (apart from nicotine either through smoking or vaping) then I know I can rebuild, as I am doing.

My life is slowly coming together and I am having some lucky moments. The best moment that has happened to me was on Thursday, exactly 26 weeks after ly last bet, I got the keys to a council garage. I had been on the waiting list for 4 years or so.

Last week a letter arrived at the house I used to share with my wife about my garage application, asking if I wanted to stay on the waiting list. I emailed straight away saying yes. 3 days later I got an email saying I was number 31 on the list. Do I still want a garage. I emailed within 10 mins saying yes. The next dayu I got an email saying a garage was available. And it was available on the 1 street I wanted. If someone had asked me exactly where I wanted the garage I would have said here. Infact I could have pointed at the one I got. So now I am moving everything from storage into the garage (which is 70 a month cheaper than what I was paying at the lock up) and I am putting in camping mod cons. Yes, I am moving into the garage on the sly. Obviously this is a secret 😉

I will be storing all my stuff, but using the space to sleep using a camping inflatable mattress and slwwping back. It is WAY warmer than the car. Now the temperature is dropping I was noticing it. Last week, because I was warm and the air in the car was cold, I had a coughing fit. Suddenly everytime I coughed my left hand side exploded in pain. I coughed so much I has fractured a rib and muscle. The pain is now subsiding but that was a lesson to me. I cannot afford to get ill so I must dress warm, eat well, excercise.

The garage is really warm because it is under council terraced housing and the heating and hot water pipes run above and behind the garage. It is warm enough to walk around in sleeping shorts. I will get a gas powered camping heater.

I have brushed it out, pt down dust sheets and then 3 layers of cardboard to make a wall to wall carpet. The best thing is it is twice as large as my lock up so even with my stuff I will have room to make a nest I can easily put away and hide so if people do look in all they see are boxes and stuff. That is important.

Life is good. And that is because I am not gambling. I realise when I gamble it scrambles my mind, distorts my thinking so that all I think about is gambling – but gambling badly, losing money, self respect etc etc. We know the patterns don’t we.

Tonight I go to NA and get my 90 days keyring and tomorrow I go to GA and get my 6 months keyring.

I know it is down to this site, GA, the short stay at Gordon House and my upcoming treatment at the national problem gambling clinic that have become my cructhes and that is good. GA is medicine. If I do not go at least twice a week I feel it and have distant gambling thoughts. They have always gone by the time GA finishes. That is why GA is my chemo, my insulin, my statins. It is my medicine and without it I may get sick again.

Thanks to all my friends on this site who have, over the last few months, taken the tome to answer my posts, write to me and well as sharing their most painful throughs, for me to learn from them. I will name only the few that I can remember without looking them up.

In no particular order:
Harry_GT
Charlster
Vera
Sad/Happy/Fear68
female gambler
Adam
And everyone else whoI cannot remember right now. Please do not be offended.

I pray, my friends, that you can come through this and experiebce what is beyond. These are my refrains:

Abstinence is not recovery, but without abstinence there can be no recovery.
It is easy to quit gambling, the hard part is staying quit.
I am not defined by my addictions, they are a part of me and as such ass embrace and accept them as they are a part, and only a part of me, and in time they will lessen and other aspects of my personality they have smothered will rise.
I am a good person who sometimes makes bad choices. But that doe snot make me a bad person.
Today, i will love me for who I am and not hate me for what I am not.

Peace and love

Mav
(From my nuclear bunker. I miss windows….)

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster, how you doing. Just wanted to drop you a line to make sure you’re ok and that the relapse prevention is going well. I hit 6 months Friday just gone, and feel ready to keep doing this one day at a time.

Once again I want to thank you for all your kinds words (and everyone else of course) while I went through hell earlier.

take care

Mav

[I_Maverick]

SO today is day 173 since my last bet and would you know it is as clear as day in my mind. It is also 82 days since I started going to NA. A week on Friday will be my 6 month date since my last bet. 10 days away and i get a new keyring for 6 months. I have been invited to talk at my GA on 29th Sept as we are having an open meeting to celebrate clean time. I will be just 3 days short of 6 months then.

Oddly I have been having gambling thoughts but I understand them now. They mean nothing. A voice tells me I can aort out my finances thorugh winning, or it tells me no harm will come of it, who would know. I would know and that is enough. I know that the lies are what tear me up the most.

Life is tough at the moment as I rebuild. I have had electrics put in the car and I have a nice nest sorted out. But things fluctuate between the ex and myself, but I love seeing my son.

I have my dog in London again as my parents are on holiday. I am still proetcted and I could gamble if I wanted. That encourages me to not gamble as I know I could.

I have still not had a drink, so that is now almost 8 months as well. My last drink of alcohol was on 2nd Feb this year.

Wow, gambling addiction really fucked me up. Looking back I am staggered by how much time I spent gambling, thinking about gambling or looking forward and working out how to get money to gamble with. And how much time I wasted doing it.

However, I believe it has to happen to effect change in my life. I was stagnating in a big way, and so something had to create change. Addiction does that. Something in me was very unhappy so it found a way to change it – destroy it to rebuild.

Am making plans with the business, it looks like there is work out there. I just need to work out how to survive until that happens.

I love you all and will catch up on the stories. I hope everyone out there is Gamble Free and that life is going as well as it can.

Over and out

M

[I_Maverick]

I cannot imagine ever gambling again. But I am still a long way from recovery in terms of dealing with my defects of character.

I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning, strage thoughts through my mind, strange idea. All because of what I am doing right now. I am at a garage having a leisure battery fitted in my car so I can live in my car more effectively and be able to charge my laptop/ phone etc without draining my car battery. This will make it easier staying in London.

So I listened to some film podcasts from radio 3 as I stared out the window at my parents house watching the sun rise. And then Matthew Sweet, the presenter talking about fairytale movies, mentioned 2 words:

Nominative Determinism

The Idea that your name plays a large part in who you become. That some professionals end up in jobs that fit their names.

eg: Pole Positions — The Polar Regions and the Future of the Planet, written by Daniel Snowman

So being called Maverick, has that made me: be very independent to the point of craziness, as well as fostering in me a desire to play cards and gamble, leading me to where I am.

I have a meeting with National Problem Gambling CLinic on Friday and my treatment, which is not CBT but will be psychodynamictherapy, and will raise it there.

I hope everyone is well, and that you can cope with the urges when they come. I have very few, but to be honest my life is such a mess that gambling would make it worse:

1) NO gambling
2) NO drinking
3) NO drugs

One day at at time doing that means I can cope with whatever life throws at me better and better.

See you soon

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So I am on day 156 now. I had totally forgotten about you lovely people. Of course I think about you and think i must write something, but then I forget when I have the time.

My last post was actually almost a month ago. Wow. Doesn’t time fly.

Since then I have shot a produced a music video and slowly been getting on top of the chaos. Have been seeing lots of my son Valentin, and have worked out and invested in kit I need to live in my car. That’s write. Not just sleeping in my car but living in it. It’s the only way i can afford to stay in London AND pay the money my ex wants to hep her look after Valentin.

I am installing a leisure battery, split charging system, I’ve taken out 2 back seats, got self inflating mattresses, 3 camping stoves, fridge. I LOVE it. I have my spots where I stay where I can get free wifi to check emails.

I have almost no thoughts of gambling as I know that it would be pointless. I still do GA 3 or 4 times a week wherever I am and have not missed a week since getting out of GMA. I also do NA as well as you know and ust got my 60 days since joining NA. I am doing my steps, looking at my defects, doing my gratitude list. Work front is amazing. Our clients want a new series of films which, if I play my cards right with HMRC, totally saves the business. I am starting with a rented desk in a hot desking office and then we’ll get a short term office. Some amazing film opportunities including a series of 5 min films I am developing about gambling with another well known ex gambler who wrote a book. That is going well.

The most important thing is I am taking my time. It is just over 100 days since I left GMA earlier than I thought but I am so proud at how I took that. I didn’t relapse, I didn’t start gambling again. I have embraced recovery and will continue on this path, one day at a time, for the rest of my life.

SO good to see Charlster is out. Thanks for emailing me fella and bringing me back. Awesome what you wrote about your daughter. It’s funny how stuff goes. I had to leave so you could get the care you needed and that makes me happy. I was not meant to be there. I was meant to be out here. My treatment with National Problem Gambling Clinic starts soon so I will get the treatment I need.

I love you all, and I will see some of you in the groups next week.

have a great weekend

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Welcome home mate. Just caught with your posts. I was thinking just the other day how I would have left GMA back on Aug 14th, and that led me to think you are coming out soon. And so you write to me.

Well proud of you son. Well proud. Since I came out all has been good, and I have been posting every so often. But I am rebuilding. I now go to 3 or 4 GAs a week and now NA (Narcotics Anonymous) as well to deal with that.

I will post more on my blog, but you’ve pulled me back to GMA.

Welcome home. I;m glad the course worked for you – me leaving was the best thing as it gave a space to you.

Stay in touch.

[I_Maverick]

Have you changed your name again? Not sure I like the new one, I preferred the last one you had. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I hope you’re ok, trying to catch up on all the forums while still getting other stuff done.

See you around

[Author]

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