[Gbabyh]

Well done on your 115th day free of gambling – that’s amazing. And thank you for your journal, because it has pointed me towards CBT tools. I just googled it and found lots of templates on Psychologytools.com, and I’m gonna give them a try because they look so good and inviting 🙂

Have a good one!

[Gbabyh]

I’ve come to accept that I can’t finish my current subject and bachelors project at the same time while keeping a positive and healthy state of mind. It’s too much of a burden to take on at the moment. I only just recently took a relapse so I’m not as strong as I would like to believe I am. I’ve been stressing a lot lately, which have made me anxious and unhappy for some time. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion of postponing my bachelor’s project till the end of July instead of the start of May. This will cost me an attempt (1 out of 3) and it will be costly for my pride, and it will cost me the most of my summer holidays. But long term it is for the best. I can already feel a big relief inside of me and I feel much happier because I don’t feel overwhelmed. I can finish my studies by focusing on one thing at a time, while working on myself (something even more important than my studies).

I don’t think I will regret this decision, I just hope I do it for the right reason and don’t use it as an excuse to procrastinate.

[Gbabyh]

I’ve come to accept that I can’t finish my current subject and bachelors project at the same time while keeping a positive and healthy state of mind. It’s too much of a burden to take on at the moment. I only just recently took a relapse so I’m not as strong as I would like to believe I am. I’ve been stressing a lot lately, which have made me anxious and unhappy for some time. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion of postponing my bachelor’s project till the end of July instead of the start of May. This will cost me an attempt (1 out of 3) and it will be costly for my pride, and it will cost me the most of my summer holidays. But long term it is for the best. I can already feel a big relief inside of me and I feel much happier because I don’t feel overwhelmed. I can finish my studies by focusing on one thing at a time, while working on myself (something even more important than my studies).

I don’t think I will regret this decision, I just hope I do it for the right reason and don’t use it as an excuse to procrastinate.

[Gbabyh]

Hi Melodys

First thing first, I know things are hard right now, but you have every reason not to commit suicide, so keep on fighting girl.

You have an alcohol addiction and now you also have a gambling addiction, so now you must realize that you have an addictive personality, which is something you must adapt to – you must become aware of your addictive behavior patterns and emotions, and work to control them.

After the realizsation, I would advise you to set up blockades for your addictions i.e. get rid of any alcohol or drinks associated and ban yourself from any casino – online and physical alike. I would also recommend to set up a system where you don’t have access to your bank accounts, and where your husband simply pay you a weekly/monthly allowances.

There are loads of other things you can do to make it more difficult for you to relapse into your addictions, which Im sure this forum can help you with to identify, but the aforementioned are the most common and straight forward and perhaps the most effective.

Once you have realized your problems are an addiction and have made initial blockades to prevent them in the future its time to help and work on yourself. By comming here to the forum you have taken a great first step, which can help you in all sorts of ways. Just writing about your thoughts and feelings can help you a lot, and the people here have many years of wisdom and experience from gambling addiction, which you need to extract for yourself so you don’t have to go through them yourself. You can also join a Gambler Annonymous group if there exists one in your local community – I find them to be extremely helpful.

The feelings of guilt and shame are something you through a long process of self-reflection will learn to accept in time – I myself struggled a lot with being ashamed too. But once I got smarter on my addiction and opened up about what was going on inside of me, what I was feeling, what I was thinking to my friends and family I felt much lighter and relieved. None of my friends and family reacted in bad ways (which I expected them to). Instead, they were very supportive and offered their help to me.

Anyways, there are many things to cover, but all in good time. Realize that you are on a journey now, and by coming here you took the first step, so go on forward towards that good life that I know you deserve and can get.

One day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Since my last update, I’ve included yet another friend in my problems. She took it very well, and she even offered me financial help – which I promptly denied. She is probably my best female friend so it was nice to finally tell her and show her the real me, and luckily she proved to be a friend I can ***** on if I ever need to talk to someone.
All these experiences with opening up and telling the truth about my circumstances to friends and family have really made a positive difference in my mindset, and I feel more motivated to include others, and I’m not struggling as much to do so.
I even had a pretty good and serious conversation with my mom about some of the things I’ve done over the years, which are either criminal activities or something that I’m ashamed of. We also talked about how I’m struggling internally and how that is connected to my studies. These are things I’ve never talked to my parents about and it feels good to be able to so.

My cold doesn’t seem to leave my body and I’m starting to fear that it might be something more serious, which requires help from my doctor. Anyways, it is obviously a massive pain in the ass because I can’t train, my energy and mood are negatively affected, and I especially need my energy to carry out my daily tasks and responsibilities.

My studies are still the main stress factor for me and it will most likely remain so for the next 2 months. I just need to ride out and do as well as I possibly can, while avoiding any gambling and/or bad behavior patterns.

I’m taking it one day at a time, and trying to reverse my mindset from negative to positive.

[Gbabyh]

Very comforting to read your comment, RG. The fact that absence from gambling and other associated behavior will retrain my brain is a big relief because then I won’t have to worry about that while taking care of all the aforementioned things.

I really appreciate your ideas and you sharing how your son copes with similar situations. Obviously, I’m gonna give it a try and see how it works for me 🙂

And you are absolutely right, I deserve to give myself some credit too because overall I’m making the right choices, and I shouldn’t dwell too much on the little mistakes – just recognize them, and each day try to improve them.

Again, thank you for your advice 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I feel sick again as if I didn’t fully recover from my cold… I got my 30 days gambling free patch last night at the GA meeting, which felt like a nice little achievement. I also included another friend in this whole gambling situation last night, and like my friend from last week he reacted very supportive and understanding so now I feel even more confident to tell the rest of the guys about my addiction.

The past week I’ve been struggling with the loss of momentum (much to do with the cold I got) and signs of old behavior or making excuses for not doing the things I told myself to do each day to sort myself out. But attending the GA meeting last night kind of woke me up again and reminded me why I am on the path I am on right now. So I’m kind of fighting to get back up on the horse again.

Also, I’m having a hard time accepting and recognizing the fact that my brain has massively changed for the worse from a decade of gambling addiction, and in realizing that I want to change that immediately. But for that, I must identify what needs to be changed, how to change it, and follow through on that whilst taking care of my duties and responsibilities to others in my day to day life. And so, I feel kind of overwhelmed and in a constant struggle where everything becomes work and a hassle leaving little to no time for leisure ( without making me feel guilty). This creates big chaos in my head, which I can’t seem to find order in and I walk around doing things being unhappy.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if there is any structure in this, I’m just writing what comes to mind.

[Gbabyh]

Anything that can help me meeting deadlines in the least stressful way is welcomed with open arms! I will try and implement your tips with my project and see if I get anywhere – thanks 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I hadn’t thought of that! I thank you for showing me the good stuff i actually do and accomplish! I have a tendency to focus on the negative and all my faults instead of recognizing the positive stuff about myself. I really must train my brain to become more positive!

I will get my 30 day gambling free patch at the GA meeting tomorrow 🙂

One day at a time !

[Gbabyh]

Been sick since Friday. I didn’t follow my healthy routines, and I didn’t work on my Econometrics assignment (until Sunday, which was the deadline for submission) while I was sick. It’s fair enough to listen to my body and give it a break, but in hindsight, I feel as if I took the cold as an excuse to run away from my fears. I returned to bad habits of binging and doing numbing activities like gaming/watching Netflix too much, and I didn’t sleep well or take care of my cold properly. In that sense, I’m very disappointed with myself.

I ended up submitting the assignment with 2 minutes to spare. It wasn’t good due to needing more time, but at least I made an effort. Went to lecture today despite only getting 5 hours of sleep. I feel less anxious now because I don’t have to worry about my assignment, so now I can focus on my bachelors’ project, which in itself is causing me anxiety. I need massive action and effort on that front to feel better. I just find it hard to begin…

I need to get rid of this constant stress and anxiety if I want to stay gambling free. I know what I must do, but I can’t stop procrastinating/running away whenever I’m in a position of discomfort. I need to figure this out…

One day at a time.

[Gbabyh]

Today I went by my former treatment center for a scheduled consultation. Here I talked with a new guy, who was a very experienced consultant with many years as an addict himself but also with many years of experience within treatment of other addicts. And he really opened up my eyes to something I hadn’t been able to see for myself.

I have severely negative thought patterns in general, but more so when it comes to situations which I find anxious, and this leads me to deal with these situations very bad. For example, I don’t like confrontations so I always find myself becoming submissive to avoid it, which builds a lot of anger and other bad emotions inside of me. My body can feel these emotions and this leads me to bad reactions patterns, such as isolating myself and/or returning to gambling in order to regulate whatever is going on inside of me.

This has made me aware of another important thing I must practice: Courage.
Before I emphasized a lot on honesty and openness, but courage is for me just as important. The courage to seek discomfort and not run away from anxious situations, while being open and honest about what I feel in a given situation. This is key for me because I can see many situations where the lack of courage, honesty, and openness have led me to bad reaction patterns and eventually gambling.

So, seek discomfort and practice to be in it – one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I often forget that I am not defined by my addiction because it fills so much in my life, especially now. I need to remember that I am many things and I think by surrounding myself with the right people I will be reminded of this fact. Thanks 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Yeah, It will be an achievement I can be proud of because I have been working on myself constantly since then 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Today I opened myself up to my friend and roommate, who I am leaving to live with my girlfriend. I told him about my gambling addiction, how long its been going on and so on. This was a conversation I’ve dreaded for a long time and kept postponing, but once I finally convinced myself to just tell him I immediately felt lighter and better. He also took it really well and there were no hard feelings about me moving out. He told me that he was proud that I told him about it and that I should keep on going with what I’m doing. This gave me the encouragement to tell the rest of my friends about my situation, which I highly needed.
I’m really happy to have taken this step towards an open and honest me – one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I know that I don’t deserve their trust right now, but still, it bothers me when they don’t trust me and keep asking questions about my whereabouts and my actions then asking again to confirm – I guess its the impatient nature of me that has a hard time of accepting that…

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