[Fritz]

Had a dream I won $543,000 on a single slot pull last night. What a mean trick my brain played on me with that one. Woke up elated, then hopes dashed when I realized that it wasn’t real. I am pretty sure my mind decided that was my total loss up to this point, a get back to even point. Needless to say I didn’t get any sleep after that.

On self exclusion, I looked up the laws in my area, and what I found was appalling. Self exclusion protects the casino, not the player. All it says is that the casino can charge me with trespassing if they choose, and can confiscate any winnings if they choose. When I came back to a casino I had earlier self excluded from, I expected them to refuse service to me if they found out who I was. They didn’t. I can only imagine the rage i would have felt if I had won a large jackpot and then been told the win is invalid due to the self exclusion agreement I signed. My advice, read any self exclusion you sign very carefully, just as you would with any other agreement.

[Fritz]

I just read your journal so far, and it is great that you recognize that you need to stop at this stage of life and not let it carry on. Also great that you are thinking about your future life, and how it could be really terrible if you continue gambling. Your intuition about this is spot on.

The lure of gambling is that you can get something for nothing. What a great thing that would be if it were true! A dream, a fairy tale! The fact is that it is a LIE! The sooner that you can grasp this the sooner you will be able to get this monkey off your back. Each time you go back, it becomes more difficult to stop.

I can tell you from sad experience, that the losses continue to get larger, the trouble continues to grow. More stress, more headaches, more tears, more sleepless nights. More kicking yourself, more empty promises, more guilt, more shame. It always gets worse, never better.

It is a fantastic first step that you have taken to get your life back on track. Leave gambling behind, and never look back! Get all the help you can, and don’t ever feel embarrassed or shy about trying to recover or asking for help. It is your life, your future that is at stake. Don’t despair, there is hope!

Cheers!

[Fritz]

I just have all these ideas at this point in my recovery, and I feel a need to get them out. Thank you to those that have created and maintain this great website, it is helping me a lot already.

I read an article in the newspaper the other day about a guy with terminal cancer. He was an older gentleman, so he could at least take solace in the fact that he spent many good years on this earth and was fairly satisfied. He had about 6 months to live.

He discussed how his mindset had changed with the news. He no longer watched the news, because it was a waste of his precious time. He also no longer read about nor debated with people about climate change, because he reckoned that problems like that were for the younger generations to sort out. Again, he really didn’t have the time.

What he made time for was the things he truly cherished, which were his writing, (he’s an author), and spending more time on his relationships with friends and family. His priorities shifted.

This made me think, hey I’m “terminal”! Why shouldn’t I try and live as though I don’t have much time? If I knew I was checking out in 6 months or a year, would money really even matter anymore? No, I don’t think so. Would “catching up to my losses and getting even” matter? No. Would obsessing with past failures be of concern? Maybe not obsessing, but I would want to think about and correct what I could. In fact, maybe I would be that much more open about trying to make amends and right any wrongs that I could.

I know gambling is a fools errand, but somehow it doesn’t register with me as a compulsive gambler all the time. Maybe living each day like it’s your last is a little overdramatic, but the idea is sound. I will be a happier person if I focus on what is most important, and discard the rest.

[Fritz]

I appreciate the compliment, but I am not mature at all. I talk the talk but have I been able to walk the walk? Sometimes, but I have failed miserably many times as well. But hey, you have to have goals, and you have to stay positive, and you have to keep trying!

[Fritz]

One day at a time, just for today, I’m sure there are other similar catch phrases, but the point is you need to begin each day with the idea that every day is day 1, right? You wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, and say to yourself, I’m a non-gambler today. The positive form of Groundhog Day.

You search out those relapse ideas, like starting to squirrel money away, or hanging onto checks that should be going to your spouse for deposit, and act on them, immediately. Tell someone what is going through your head. Tell them you are afraid you may relapse. My problem with relapse has always been the inability to call someone, to tell someone, to reveal the plan that is hatching in my brain. If I could only find the courage to make that contact with another human, at that critical moment, I would not relapse.

My problem has always been complacency. I get very comfortable with life, feeling really good after a few weeks or a few months, then I get the itch, and I cave in to it without making a call. That’s why I need to think about my recovery every morning, and really search out any of those itches, and nip it in the bud before it takes root as an idea, a plan to gamble. Being brutally honest with myself.

For me, once I have a plan to gamble, it’s almost like I feel as though I have already committed the act, and I begin telling myself there is no turning back now. I will from now on, each morning, do a self check- do I have an itch developing into an idea? even maybe? That’s the time I make the call to a friend, not just after I have gambled and have already fallen apart and failed.

[Fritz]

to remind myself how it is. How it really is. Thank you for your advice, and slowly but surely I am making this as transparent as I can. Hiding things is basically lying to myself. The more honest I am with myself, the less stress I feel, the more relaxed I can be, and maybe that helps. Lying to myself helps me justify continuing “the game”.

For example, I began “hoarding money” before my last gambling binge. I saved some of the allowance cash I get from my wife, which I usually use for lunches and coffee and sundries, and squirreled it away. Then I received a couple of checks in the mail that were “new money”. One was a refund from an overpayment by the insurance company. Another was a rebate check. They should have been immediately turned over to my wife. I justified cashing them because they were a bonus, with full intent on gambling with the money. My thought process looked at the situation as a free opportunity. Nothing to lose really, since we hadn’t planned on receiving the money, and what harm could there be in gambling with money we weren’t supposed to be getting in the first place? FLAWED THINKING. The $600 that all of this added up to was gambled away quickly, followed by 3 cash advances on my credit card totaling $2100! It is a very slippery slope.

[Fritz]

Thanks for taking the time to let me know your experience with Easy Way. I appreciate it a lot. No need to berate and beat yourself up, it is not helpful to recovery, right? 🙂 But at day #0 I totally understand and empathize with you.

And I know it is marketing when they say they have helped millions of people quit with a 90% success rate at 90 days. Lots of people make it 90 days and go right back to it, I’d be more interested in their success rate at 1 year or more. I also agree with the shotgun approach, try many things, something may work, and some others may not. I also have had the “I will never do this again” mindset, with tons of confidence, only to slip again.

[Fritz]

Until you put it that way, I never really thought about how in a sense, we really are taking from the other losing gamblers if we win. Many must lose for the few to win. That is a sobering thought. Thanks for the insight.

[Fritz]

Sounds like you are still going through some really tough times. I sincerely hope you can realize what a great thing you are doing for yourself and your family by making it through one more day gambling free. That alone should be something to smile about 🙂

[Fritz]

I was surfing around here the other day and found a reference to a gambling cessation program called the Easy Way. Not wanting to leave any stone unturned in my quest to be gambling free, I grabbed a copy of the The Easy Way to Stop Gambling by Allen Carr and read it over the weekend.

Something in this book really struck a chord with me. After reading it cover to cover, I now believe strongly and without a doubt that I will never gamble again. Sounds pretty naive, right?

I am sure many of you have tried this book and this method? I am curious how you feel about it, has it worked for you? Do you think it is a load of crap? Funny that on the major book purchasing website that I frequent, I was the first person to ever review this book. Strange. However there were many, many reviews of the same book that is adapted to smoking cessation. Apparently there are millions of people out there that have used it successfully to stop smoking and also other compulsive behavior issues.

Anyway, I wanted to thank the person that posted about this book but I can’t find the post anymore. So if it was you, thanks! For those that haven’t tried it, you may want to!

Cheers!

[Fritz]

I have read an amazing book called “a spiritual renegade’s guide to the good life”. The author is Lama Marut. I highly recommend it! There are tons of great insights in this book, but the basic premise is that if you want to be happy, you have to help others. Helping others gives your life purpose, and gets you out of your own head. I know that when I am thinking about me, I tend to focus on the negatives- what I could have or should have done, regret, remorse, depression, and on it goes. Then I don’t feel like doing anything, and just stay perpetually gloomy. When I say to myself, what can I do for my wife today? What can I do for my kids today? My coworkers, other relatives, etc… I get ideas about things that may make their lives a little easier, better, lighten their load a little. It helps to keep me busy, helps me get the focus off of my old self, and it strengthens my relationships. I get more smiles. I get more hugs. All the good stuff.

I have thought a lot about why I am here on this planet, and I now understand it isn’t to collect things or money, it isn’t a race, it isn’t a contest. It’s not about becoming a CEO. My real purpose is to help others. Helpers don’t complain, they don’t bemoan, they don’t wallow in self pity. Everyone has troubles, everyone has issues. I am not special in that regard at all.

How do I want to be remembered? I know that I am a compulsive gambler, and that is not a good thing, but in the end if I continue to be a helper, the people around me won’t remember that. They will remember a kind and caring man.

[Fritz]

It means a lot to me to have your support. I am dealing with a lot of problems right now and encouraging words like yours strengthen me greatly.

[Fritz]

I have a long long road ahead to get well, and currently I am in a very low place emotionally, and physically. I have made it 4 days, last bet was 2/18/2015. But that’s not all. I have made an inventory of all of the negative, self destructive behaviors and it is quite a lengthy list, and at the moment seems like a mountain of problems. Here goes: gambling, alcohol, marijuana, video games, checking stock quotes, biting my finger nails and skin on my fingers, depression, anxiety. Yes, I am a mess.

The good news is that on my last binge I knew I would be found out quickly, and so I promptly admitted to my family that I had relapsed. I have found that although extremely painful, it provides some measure of relief that I am not continuing a lie, and it helps me to start fresh. When I lie and hide things, I feel more anxious and depressed. When I share my problems and ask for help, these conditions lessen.

So this time, not only did I stop my gambling on 2/18, I stopped marijuana, alcohol, video games, fantasy sports and checking stock quotes.

I saw a therapist yesterday, and laid all of this out there for her to hear. It took a bit of courage, as in all my time I have never been able to admit all of these defects. I am convinced now that fully admitting all of my problems and recognizing that I can’t tackle them alone. I know that these behaviors either cause or exacerbate the anxiety. How I would like to be truly relaxed and comfortable in my own skin!

I also spoke with my older sister yesterday about what has happened and she revealed she also suffers from anxiety and depression, but she has both well under control with help from her doctor and proper medication. It was great hearing her advice on tackling these issues head on, and not being ashamed of taking medications. (I have considered medications a crutch and have resisted somewhat).

Due to the lack of marijuana in my system, I have not had any sleep the last two nights, and feel exhausted. This is going to be rough but I have to get through this and carry on!

It is helpful to me that I have 2 kids and a wife that depend on me, love me (defects and all), and want to help me get better. If I didn’t have them, I am quite sure I would have taken my own life by now.

I am looking forward to the time when I am more focused on my positive replacement activities, rather than on the troubles and hardships of my addictions, I guess that is a ways off yet but from reading other stories and hearing GA veterans tell their stories, I do know that it is possible and that gives me hope.

[Fritz]

Your words hit home with me. Thank you for replying. The insanity and complete lack of logic baffles me endlessly. I am an engineer and yes I do like order and logic just as the stereotype goes. I want to be able to get to the bottom of things and understand why, so I can solve the problem, by myself. Gambling just doesn’t work that way. I need to be able to accept that I cannot solve this problem, only faith in my higher power and with help from others can I recover. I will always be a compulsive gambler, FOREVER. So far I think that has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me. Accept it, have faith that my higher power will deliver me for today, and today only. Don’t look back and don’t look too far forward.

[Fritz]

Thanks for the encouragement, it really helps and I appreciate it very much. Better days are ahead for both of us if we work at it every single day. All the best to you.

[Author]

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