[erin]

Hi Larry.  I really appreciate your sense of humor.  An a ‘affair of the heart’….With your doctor….On Valentine’s Day…. Super funny and very ironic!!  Too bad about the internet/phone problems.  Things like these never seem to go smoothly, but it sounds like you’ve been handling it wonderfully.  Hopefully your sympathy card worked and you get it up and running tomorrow.  But if not…. you can always count on Mickey D’s!
TC!
-E

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Hi Bettie.  You are doing great with not smoking.  I can totally relate with what you are going through.  I quit smoking three months ago and still have occasional urges now and then.  I also cannot stop eating.  I think I must have some oral fixation or something.  I wish I had a nail-biting habit instead of this needing to eat every 5 minutes habit. 
It is sad about Whitney Houston.  I remember the very first cassette tape I owned was one of hers.  48 is too young to die.  More reason to be grateful for every day we are given. 
TC
-E

[erin]

Hi Amyyy.  WooWoo!  One Month!  Way to go!  I am so happy for you! 
I have to give your bf a good amount of credit for trying to remind you about your triggers (ex. boys going back to school.)  It’s good to have someone supporting you and rooting for you. 
I totally agree with you about how gambling reaffirms our negative feelings about ourselves.  Like a self-fullfilling prophecy.  Even when I did something good, something I could be proud about, I would run off to the casino.  And then I would be miserable and hate myself for doing it.  Have you done anything to build your self-esteem?  I cannot remember whose thread I was reading, but in it there was a comment about how gambling is only a symptom of what’s going on.  Sure we can quit gambling or we can work on quitting gambling, but if we don’t work on what caused us to become gambling addicts in the first place, we will never be able to recover.  This is something I really need to work on.  I am seeing a therapist (I’ve only gone to one session so far, because he’s been real busy with the holidays) but I can’t say I’ve done anything else to work on it.  I think I’ll google: how to build one’s self-esteem and see what I get.  If there’s anything good, I’ll let you know.  Take care and keep up the good work!

[erin]

Way to go Luke!!!!  One week and doing great!  Keep it up.  I’m rooting for you!  Each and every day that is gamble free is another day to celebrate.
Also great quote.  When going through tough ***** and problems, it’s hard to see a positive side of things.  I’m printing it off and hanging it up on my wall to remind that problems aren’t such a bad thing.  Thank You!!!  🙂

[erin]

I wonder why I can be busy, buzzing along, minding my own business and for no reason at all a gambling thought arises.  I mean it’s like BAM!!! right in my face.   I don’t know if I can even call it a thought.  Maybe a memory.  A flash.  I’ll be working on the computer, walking down a hallway, getting lunch ready, or some other mondaine routine and it happens. It’s like I’ve been struck with a dart.  I usually quickly pull the dart out and carry on with what I am doing, not really thinking about it.  Some darts are left in a few seconds longer, and that bothers me.  It’s like a poisonous dart.  It must be pulled out quickly and thrown away. I feel that when I read others posts, those darts hit more often and I leave them in a little longer than I really wish.  I know reading and posting is important, but is it good to expose myself to more of these "darts?"   Can anyone relate to how I’m feeling?  Any advice?

[erin]

Argh!!!!  I just wrote a long post only to have it not go through!!!!!  So frustrating! 
Oh well….The jist of my post was being grateful for the small things.  I’m happy that I’m curled up, nice and cozy, in my comfy, warm bed.  What a good choice compared to being in a cold, dark, smokey casino. 
Hope you all are (or will be) comfy, cozy in your beds tonight. 
-E
(PS.Thanks Vera, Hope and Sunny for the support!)
We can’t go back and make a new start, but we can always start now and make a new ending!

[erin]

Hi Vera.  I  found it ironic when you wrote in my journal "365 "NOs" and next year we will be richer in every way!"
Here’s why….Four months ago I printed out calendar pages with every month through the end of 2012.  I hung up four of the pages in my bedroom on the wall and I started to mark the days I gambled with a red x and the ones that I didn’t gamble I marked with a green x. The first two months were shameful.  I almost had more red x’s than green. But I finally got help and now I have had 8 weeks of green x’s!  The irony of this is, is that here in America a slang name for money is "green."  If someone says, "give me some green."  they are saying, "give me some money."  After reading your post, I was looking at my calendar on the wall and I thought to myself while looking at the last two months worth of green x’s, "Wow, that’s the most "green" I’ve seen in a long time!"  Not only do I have more green x’s, but I have more green (money) too!    I am going to take down the four sheets and hang up the whole year’s worth of calendar pages on my wall (it’s going to take up my whole wall, but oh well!)  A year from now I am going to be looking at 365 green x’s!!!  (and hopefully more of the other green too, but if not…..it’ll be alright.)  Thanks for your post Vera and here’s to making each day a green day!
Erin

[erin]

I think my New Years resolution this year is to listen to and follow my "good" inner voice as much as possible.  You know how in cartoons when a person has a choice to make, the image of an angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil sitting on the other shoulder appears and they try to convince the person to do either right or wrong.  I’m flicking that devil off my shoulder this year (at least as much as possible.) This is not only goes for my ga, but it goes for office gossiping, whether or not to go to church, how I treat others, what I eat and how I take care of my health, etc, etc, etc… 

[erin]

Hi Luke.  You are doing great with going to ban yourself from the casinos and the list you created.   In an ear***r post you asked for advice to help you get past your gambling groundhog day.  Here’s what has helped me….Come clean.  Tell your family.  Tell your friends.  Letting go of the secrets is an enormous help.  In a way it helps you feel more alive.  It helps you feel real.  Living this *** is a lot to handle and it is a great re***f to let it go.  Your family and friends may not understand the addiction, but more than likely they will be supportive. 
Secondly, about quitting smoking right now.  I do know you can do it.  I’ve done it.  (and I chained smoked every chance I could.)  Just do it.  (by the way… that’s the title of my post.)  Don’t think about it.  Throw that pack of smokes away.  Don’t smoke one "last" cigarette.  It’s like quitting gambling, you really can’t go gambling one "last" time.  Quit.  You can do it.   If you’re like me, I loved to smoke while gambling, so if you quit smoking, it will help you to quit gambling.  I threw  my last pack of cigarettes out the window of my car on my trip back from the last time I went to the casino.  That was two months ago.  The urges will come, but they will go too.  Then they will come less frequently.  I know you can do it.
The best to you!
Erin
We can’t go back and make a new beginning, but we can start now and make a new ending.

[erin]

Happy New Year to all and I wish everyone the best in 2012.  Thank you Larry, pumpkin and stupidme for the replies.  I appologize for not getting on here the past couple of weeks.  I have been crazy-busy with the holidays and family.  Today I’m just ****** in bed, watching movies and I decided to get on my laptop and post a little.  I’ll be going back to work on Tuesday so who knows when I’ll be back on. 
I feel so fortunate because I have not had any urges to go gamble, what-so-ever.  All I can do is praise God for this because in the past the urges have been so difficult to overcome.  I remember the last day I did gamble.  I remember the terrible ride home.  It was an hour-long sob-fest.  I remember begging God to help me have the strength to come clean to my family.  I’ve had these conversations before with God many *****, but I always begged him to help me to quit gambling.  I guess all I needed was to be more specific because having a talk with my whole family has helped me enormously.
My husband and I are working things out.  I wrote him a note explaining how I was feeling and that I could not just sit around and wait for him to decide whether or not he wanted to be committed to me, in good ***** or bad.  (he had already made those vows.)  I simply asked him to make up his mind.  i told him that things would not be wonderful for us right away, but at least we could feel good about knowing that things will get better.  He talked to me and agreed with me.  This happened just before the holidays so we ended up having a good holiday season together.  Last night we sat down for dinner and I asked us all to go around the table and say a prayer for 2012.  My husband prayed for us to become closer this upcoming year, so it’s good that he’s wanting that. 
One weird thing thats been happening is that I keep having dreams about being in a casino.  Does this happen to anyone else?  In my dreams my husband and I go to the casino.  I am always walking up to my husband and he has just won a huge jackpot.  He starts handing me tons of bills and tells me to go "have fun."  I tell him that we should go because I can’t gamble.  He says that he wants to stay.  I sit in front of a machine but I can never bring myself to put the money in.  Then I wake up.  I do have to say that I am always proud of myself when I wake up because I did not gamble in my dreams, but I wish I had never dreamt it in the first place. 
Ok all, I am saying good-bye for now.  I hope you all have a great day.  No gambling.  It’s for the birds. 
Take care
Erin
We can’t go back and make a new start, but we can always start now and make a new ending.

[erin]

Hi Kathryn,  I was just reading through your thread, and I am so sorry about the recent turn of events going on with you, your husband and your family.  You were the first person to reach out to me with such kind words and advice.  I wish that you weren’t going through this.  
Im probably the first and maybe the only one to say this but,   "YIPEEE!!!!!"  I am so glad she is a "fester."  I know that is so surface, but it really does help to know that she’s not this drop-dead knock out gorgeous woman.  No matter how long ago, or what the circumstances were, noone likes to picture their spouse being with someone else.  In our minds, we like to think of ourselves as "the only one."  So I can see how hard this is for you since it’s become a certian reality.  I can see how having his "possible" daughter over would be too much to handle. 
My husband and I have both been married once before.  We both have children from our first marriage.  None together. 🙁  It took me a long time to "get over" having to deal with his ex-wife.  She was this constant reminder of his past life, and I didn’t want him to have a past life.  I wanted to be his only life.  (I am so hypocritical-because I too had a past life with my ex.)   I would obsess about what they did together, were they happy, blah, blah, blah. But time did run it’s course, and little by little – those thoughts went away.  I realized that my husband is with me, and that was for a reason.  It’s because he loves me.  He LOVES me.  Not her.  Or else he’d be with her.  It’s the same with you and your husband.  He LOVES you.  Don’t picture him with her.  It just messes your mind up.  (Especially don’t picture them now that you know what she looks like.  Yuck-O!!) 
Time will mend all things Kathryn.  Give yourself time to feel what you feel.  And know that a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, you’ll probably feel different. 
You are in my thoughts, and keep being strong (gamble-free).     xx   Erin

[erin]

Hi Kathryn…Just wanted to stop in quick and say thank-you so much for your post.  I am excited about this.  I do have to admit that I believe I spent too much time on here the past couple of days, reading.  My boys kept saying, ‘mom, when are you going to get off the computer?’  I’d say, "Just let me read this one last thing."  Well an hour later, I’d finally pull myself away.  I really got insight from your post the other day about feeling guilty.  I beat myself up all the time.  I hope I can just let it go.  Take care and enjoy your BEAUTIFUL, gamble-free day!     Erin

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