[Dark Energy]

congratulations on your 50th day, wish you all the best in your recovery.

[Dark Energy]

hi Callmecrazy,
suicidal thought are something that 50% of gambling addicts will have, i read it in one of the books about gambling based on certain study but i really doubt this number , personally i think the percentage is much more than that, i remember one of the few GA meetings the i attend online every one who spoke during that session said that he\she had a suicidal thoughts at one point. so firstly having these thoughts is a common thing for the gambling addicts.

2ndly 20% of gambling addict commit suicide. (those who try to kill themselves + those who succeed) . I am bringing these numbers to tell you that what you are feeling is what we all felt at some point and what we feel from time to time so just distract your self from these ideas and this tough period will pass.

personally what helped me during such periods is this “I like to watch my movie tell the End” our life is like a movie you don’t know what will happened tomorrow, just hang on and watch it tell the end, we all gonna die at some point so why the rush, just wait maybe your movie will have a happy end, or a more beautiful experiences and fun moments why leave early, watch it till the end.

another thought that helped me is i used to remember part of a poet by Mahmoud Darwish in it he says “i love my life because if i died i will be ashamed from my mothers tears ” i know the translation is bad but you got the point, think of those who loves you how they will feel.

you can find a lot of reason to live all what i need to say is why the rush, we gonna die at some point but since we are here let us live it.

sorry for being blunt but this is what what keeps me going, I need to watch the movie till the end.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

hello everyone,
just checking in to write an update, I didn’t write for while thou I am keep reading the new posts.
I think I am 9 months gambling free.
the past 3 months where very tough for me. it all started a what i thought is a heart attack and after going to emergency the diagnosis was it is just a panic attack!!! i did not believe this diagnosis. I am a 39 years old, never had a panic attack, I am very tough, i don’t care of i will die today or tomorrow, the last time i cried was 30 years ago when i was 9 years old. and i grew up a thick skin after all the disasters that i passed through and the disasters that i am still living. my life was not easy at all but i never had a panic attack…so I was vey sceptic, why now !!. then i had another 2 episodes in the following two days. so I decided to check with cardiologist i was pretty sure it is something related to my heart it could not be a panic attack, but the cardiologist assure me nothing is wrong with me, them i moved on to neurologist and i got the same answer.

some how i refused to believe what I am having is panic attacks, i don’t know, I felt like “f**k i never though i will become f** up to this degree…. how low i will reach before i get my acts together”. Am I now too weak to a degree that I am having panic attacks.
having the panic attack is bad, but the idea that i become to week to a degree that I start having panic attacks this idea is much worse for me, yes I am an educated person, open minded, atheist, rational person but I think it is it is a culture thing.

anyhow, after a lot of hesitation i decided to see a psychiatric, and after a 3 long hours she diagnosed me with major depression, anxiety, and high possibility of ADD. i was surprised that gambling addiction was not mentioned in her report despite that most of the discussion were about my gambling addiction.

i have to admit i should have done this visit maybe 5 years ago, but my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatric and i really felt ashamed to speak out openly about all my issues and the fact that there in no approved drug to treat gambling addiction lead me to avoid such visit for the past 5 years.

anyhow, for the past 3 months my life really changed not to the better but to a something like hell, each 3 weeks i was changing the combination of medicines. visited 3 different doctors, until i finally decided to stop all the medicines, i have stopped taking all these drugs and i am just keeping Xanax as a magic pill in my pocket in case i felt i am about to have a panic attack.

while i was using the drugs i noticed a difference but the problem is one drug will make your mood much better and will treat your depression but will increase your anxiety, the other will keep you focus but will not make you sleep at night and the one that will make you sleep will screw your work because you will not be able to wakeup on time, I can see the positive side of these drugs on me and it could be the thing that i need to support my recovery from this addiction. but man I need a break from this trial and error i need to find a good psychiatric that will give me the correct combination from the first time.

i think should not ignore medical intervention, this will be an addition to all the steps that i am taking to recover from this addiction. but i need a break i can’t continue trying different combinations of drugs.

[Dark Energy]

hi everyone.
I think I need another 2 weeks to complete 6 months. I have stopped counting long ago.

last week, my bank updated their mobile banking application, and they add a feature to show your card number including the 3 security numbers…. and since then, the gambling urges starts coming back.

all my cards are scratched to prevent online transaction and now the bank come up with this update!!! really why? who will need such feature.
now I have to find another bank to buy out my loan from this bank so I will be able to move on to another bank.

I am thinking how the Technologie is making it difficult for us to survive,
life is really difficult for us any silly changes like that could ruin our recovery and our lives.

[Dark Energy]

it will be better Gustav, the 1st week is the toughest week and you just completed it, the next days will be better.
regarding the depression and focus, I still have those from time to time.
there is something that will help, I new about it long ago but never try it, I think I will give it a test in the next week.
search for dopamine fasting, and I recommend you reading the book “dopamine nation”.

it seams addiction will cause a dopamine depletion so we can’t enjoy the small things and be motivated to do it, but if we do dopamine fasting we will back to enjoy the small stuff and be motivated to do it.

[Dark Energy]

hi Curising\Gustav.
wish you all the best, if you are prepared I am sure you will pass it.
not to scare you but the riskiest paydays for me is the one that followed with a weekend or a long holyday, unfortunately like tomorrow.
if I didn’t distribute the money before i leave the office I will be very tempted to gamble. be more carful with such days.
the combination of money + free time + access to gambling site is very dangerous for us.

wish you all the best

just a small tip:
after paying all your payments and keeping money for your other expenses, if you don’t have a plan or a way to protect the extra money, you can buy gold coin or gold bars there are bars from 5g and up. it will give you a time buffer because you need to sell it to get the cash compared with the cash that you can directly lose it to gambling if you slip. i know if we relapse some time nothing can stop us from ruining every thing but, i found this useful for me because in addition to the money that i save in a protected account “protected from me” i need some extra money for any emergency, keeping cash was very tempting to me, but keeping gold was much better. i failed on the first time i used this method but after that and for almost 2 years now i am having my emergency fund as gold. I had multiple relapses during the last two years but I didn’t use my gold emergency fund to gamble I used it once to cover the rest of my expenses after a relapse.
also i have a maximum limit for this emergency fund ( my monthly expenses x 2), I can’t trust myself to keep an easy excess for a bigger amount even if it is gold not cash. if you need to use this method i suggest to build it gradually to test this method and to gain trust.

[Dark Energy]

good job, this is really a very good step.
wish you all the best in your recovery

[Dark Energy]

Hi Gustav,
sorry to hear about your relapse, but it happened and there is nothing you can do about it, focus on the future.
after all my relapses I concluded that I should work on 3 parts to address this addiction :

part#1: prevention and immediate action ( the usual stuff)
barriers, cutting credit card, website blockers, reduce access to money, ask some one to handle your money, attend meetings SMART or GA .. .etc the forum is full of these tips and tools. the first part will give you a buffer to focus on the real causes that keeps you relapsing.

part#2: the real stuff:
if you can afford a therapist then work with one, if you can’t (like me) then you have to do it on your own.
you need to figure out what trading gives you and find a real and realistic alternatives.
for me trading was an escape, a hope of better future.. a wrong answer for the question how I can live a better life, how I can reach to a financial freedom, how I can be more self-confident, how I can have my own business, …….etc because it is an easy answer I kept going back to trading, i didn’t have an alternative answers. the solution is to find a better answers and realistic alternatives to fill your needs ( all your needs : personal, financial, emotional …etc ) .
we both know we are addict we both know once we place this first trade it is a matter of time before we blow the account up. so why we still do it, we do it because it serves a need, we have to find what it serves and find an alternative solution to that need.

trading is an easy answer but it is the wrong answer, you need to search for the correct answers.

part#3: the psychological part.
frankly I can’t afford to work with specialist because the financial disaster that I am in, but if you can you need to check for the underlaying causes for example : if you have ADHD you are more prone to addiction, if you have depression you are prone to addiction, if you are introvert you are prone to addiction… this needs a specialist to work with you, if you can’t afford it, read about, watch youtube see what can be done to help you in this regards,
fore example there is some supplement like omega 3 and NAC are very helpful, walking and life style changes can help as well. do your best in this part don’t ignore it.

as a summery you need a holistic approach to deal with this addiction and the root causes of it.

I could be a more severe case, I am in recovery for the last 5 or 6 years with ton of relapses, I may not be the right person to give you an advice but this is my personal conclusion and this is what I am currently trying to apply to defeat this addiction .

wish you all the best

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Dark Energy.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Gustav,
thanks for checking on me. still gambling free since my last post, I guess today is the 97th or 98th day. in general every thing fine, my mood is better, I am working on my self, it is almost 6 weeks of following a keto diet and the result is very good so far, financially I am a bet better nut still I have long way to go, also I have some Ideas and projects that keeps me busy. this is the positive side.

the negative side
I am still very fragile, every now and then a small things triggers my depression. some time it last for hours other times it last for 3 or 4 days, eventually I get over it and back on track.

also I still have a deep sadness that does not leave, I hide it when I am around my friends or at work, and I really tray to be busy all the time to not let this sadness turns in to depression.

in addition to that, I still have this fear of relapse, I know I am one slip a way from destroying every thing that I built in the last 3 months, a one slip could cost me my life. I am really scared from relapses.

years of gambling and years of recovery and relapses left me completely destroyed and defeated.

that’s it, there is progress but there is a lot to be done.

wish you all the best

[Dark Energy]

here we go again, today is the 7th Day free of gambling, this time I reached 80+ days and then relapsed…
the golden words that come to my mind these days are ( abstinence is not recovery ) I guess no one could value these words more than I do especially in the last few days, when you relapse that many times like I did you start doubting your self you start to doubt everything.
but I think these words are the answer (abstinence is not recovery) it seems all I was doing was abstinence without a real recovery.

[Dark Energy]

hell no…my friend Forex caused all my suffering.
it is gambling but with cover.
let me give you an example, you can have leverage up to 1:500. what this means is if you have 1000$ you can trade with 500,000, if the market goes as low as 1% against you you will lose the 1000$. and if it goes 1% in your favor you will win 1000$. it is pure gambling.
and don’t believe all this technical analysis, indicators ..etc I have tried it all, but it didn’t work.
keep away my friend it is not worth it at all.

at least with gambling, you know that you are doing something wrong, you know that you should not gamble, but with forex.. you think you are doing something professionally, you think you are going to learn to improve your skills to be able to do it full-time as a professional trader. but no.. you are gambling in the market.

plz stay away from it, or any kind of day trading, the only relation with the market that we can have as gambling addicts is long-term investing with special measures to protect us.

you can read my first journal (Forex Addiction) to see how Forex ruined my life.

forex addiction

[Dark Energy]

Day#44,
my gambling addiction is under control, no urges.
my diet is going well I have reduced 3 kg in 14 days, not good but at least I am changing my eating habits, I had a setback a week ago but now I am on track. i need to lose another 13 kg to reach my acceptable level.
I am trying to rebuild my life one day at a time, a lot of things need to be fixed but I am trying to do what I can slowly without overwhelming myself.

life throws a lot of shit on us every day we have to deal with that and deal with our own issues that have been compounding over years off addiction.

[Dark Energy]

Day#38,
battling my other issues put the trading addiction in autopilot mode, I am not thinking about my gambling addiction these days, I have no urges at all.
now all that I am focused on is solving the other issues \ addictions in my life.

my diet plan didn’t go well, I have “relapsed” on the 5th day and am back to my old bad eating habits, I will start over tomorrow.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#31,
One month has passed, and as I mentioned in the previous post I need to make one good change each month, I have decided to work on my weight, Smoking is difficult to stop this month and I need a positive momentum so I picked to focus on my weight loss.
I have started a diet plan today, and within 30 days I hope I will adapt to this new diet.

[Dark Energy]

hi Craig,
Charles gives you really good advice, barriers are really helpful.
you can’t depend on your willpower alone to stop this addiction, It may help 99% of the time but this 1% when our willpower lets us down will put us back to square zero.
in many addiction recovery books, they use the myth of Udysios and the siren as an analogy for how to defeat addiction, he knows that he can’t resist the sirens so he ties himself and asks his sailors to put wax on their ears. and by doing that his ship passed safely from the sirens area.
For us, it is all about
1. Access to money.
2. Access to gambling sites or casinos.
3. Free time ( where the gambling thoughts will start).

find a way to keep the extra money protected for you and away from you.
to find a way to ban yourself and block gambling sites.
and to keep yourself busy by doing anything even if it is not that productive.

wish you all the best.

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