[Caroline]

I’ve been going round my cycle still. Same story like a month ago. I was ready to leave. I’ve spend few days at my mother in law house again. I have arranged a shelter for me and kids but I had to get to the house to get documents.but he wouldn’t open the door. So the only way it was to call the police.and i was ready to do that but then my in laws said if i want to leave i have to get back to my house and ring from there so that it’s not like they helped me, otherwise he would blame them for the rest of their life and now obviously i realised it’s their son so no matter what happens they wouldn’t turn their back on him.would they. Then they started to make arrangements with him like before and i ended up going back to him. I don’t wanna write on here what was he doing cuz I know you all would say it’s a abuse and stuff. I know that. But then I know he is just bluffing.he would not do what he says, would he? And I know that even if he’s bluffing and that’s the way he manipulates then it’s not right and definitely not normal. I don’t excuse him but I’m just trying to stay here and convince myself for now to stay.until I am ready to leave. I think i am. That’s why I’m still with him to make sure i am really ready. Week after i went back to him he started again, this time i rang his dad to come. He came and took him shop and bought him a phone cuz that day he threw it and it broke. Ridiculous! Anyway, i stayed quiet and I’m just carry on with my things.I’ve packed two bags of Clothes and hid some documents and about 100 pounds i managed to save. I know it’s not much but at the minute we are about minus 60. Thanks to his dad who gave him our savings of 450 pounds so my husband can buy himself clothes!! Like he hasn’t got any! So I did agree to give him all that money cuz he was knocking at my mother in law house to get the kids and giving him that money meant to keep him away and quiet so I can leave him in peace without police and scene. But in the end I came back to him, what a mess! And yes he did got himself three jackets, two trousers and shoes and the rest gambled. But his dad asked me to stay quiet and not say anything to him and not argue. I just said ok. But I am so deeply hurt by them cuz specially his dad really believes he knows how to sort it out. I’ll give him a chance to try his moves then. With pain but i am staying. And i told my in laws the moment he does it again i will not come to their house again but ring police and leave. But will i really? I am doubting myself. I think I am talking to the wrong people. My in laws will never let me go. They wouldn’t let the kids go especially kids. So who do I talk to? Who do I get advice from? My friend? She’s coming on Thursday.will i be strong enough to tell her? I don’t know…
I’ve been sitting and doing nothing except thinking about his gambling, his addiction how much I hate it. I forgot to do anything for myself without thinking about him. How do you do it? How can you not think about It. It’s so hard. It takes all my life. And today it’s been quiet and he’s starting talking to me again but i just don’t feel like to talk and start getting happy again just so he can then put me down again. I am so scared to get in the good mood cuz I fear the bad after that. That’s the cycle. It’s horrible. And if you ask me what do I want? How do I want my life to be lived I would tell you I want to live without the gambling problem, without worrying non stop about money, about lies, fake stories, bad language, carrying actions and words towards each other etc. easy to do? But how? Look after yourself, that’s the one. Do things for myself. I keep repeating it to myself. Oh I’m so confused. So annoyed. So hurt.
And after I wrote all of this I feel a bit better. A bit relived of all of this in my head. I’m realising I have to get stronger to make any actions or moves. I know I have to. For me and my kids. I will. I hope….

[Caroline]

You are right jilly what you’ve wrote. I think the first thing I should do is to tell my friend and see if she gives me some advice. It’s so unbelievably hard to open your mouth and start saying what is going on with your life. It feels so normal to live like that, everyone has problems in their life so why should you think yours is something bad. That’s how I think sometimes. But only cuz I’ve been hearing it from my husband and it’s just glued in my head! But I keep reading and getting more determined to tell someone outside his family. I know they care but they would never suggest divorce cuz at the end of the day it’s their son and you wouldn’t like to getting your son divorced, specially if there are grandchildren. So I’m starting to feel that need to tell someone….
Thanks jilly! This is what I need. Encouragement and words of understanding which gives me that hope and feeling that I need to start some changes, that it’s not normal to be living like this.
I think it takes time to get that message.

[Caroline]

Worriedmama, I think you are right. I have to think about myself aswel but it’s so hard to do. This addiction ruined not only my husband’s life but mine too. And it will ruin my childrens life aswel if i don’t do something to protect them from it. I’m feeling down today, he’s got paid his allowance today and gambling it all away. He won’t agree to give it to anyone or change the payment to anyones account. Thank you worriedmama, your words are supportive and i think i need them a lot. I need some kind of kick to get me out of this doubting thoughts. It’s all so crazy, his gambling in one room and I’m sitting in the other crying and worrying.. But what does he care. I feel angry, upset and hearing all that sport comments make me feel like to scream out loud! He is basically gambling without any shame and does he think I don’t know that he is doing it right now? What am I supposed to do, go and shout him, let him just sit and gamble..I’ve tried all solutions and nothing. It’s so frustrating and mind playing.

[Caroline]

Thank you velvet for your reply. I regret very much i couldn’t stay and talk with you yesterday and get some advice. I hope to be able to do that next week.
I haven’t told him about the support i have. I’m a bit unsure if that would be good idea for now cuz he would then know i have learnt a lot and in some moments i will know how to behave with his addiction, plus he might start reading and find the way to stop me trying to live my life and use it against me and also i think at the moment he would not understand any reason why i done that. What is your opinion about telling your cg for having support for yourself?
Telling his sister and dad only means that they are aware of him gambling again and they don’t fall in his trap. None of us know what else we can do for him. His sister and all his family tried to tell him to get support but he refuses. We all tried to talk with him calmly but serious about help. We tried to scare and that didn’t help. They even stopped talking to him for a while but failed too. All his family treat him good, they try to involve him in things, take him weekends to visit siblings but at the same time whenever there is any chance they would remind him to seek help and try to stop gambling. He always minimise it and says he’s not doing anything. I’m sure he would have great support from them if only he would like to listen to any advice given by them. I know i can always come and stay at their house if anything happens. But it’s just that helplessnes that is hung in the air. None of us can change him, none of us knows what to do but we all know that carrying on like that it’s not an option and there has to be some action taken. Waiting and waiting for him to realise the support is the only way to stop might take donkeys years and who wants to wait that long.

[Caroline]

I could have known he would tell me he’s not bothered about the company and how bad it is and that he wasted it all and no money is left from it. So I asked him how is he gonna repay it now? He said he doesn’t know, he’s got for the first repayment. But then? I can only guess he is gonna start asking me again to get him money. For now he is quiet and not coming in my way, trying to avoid any gambling subject and talk about normal things. That’s only if he decides to come downstairs to eat and stuff between the matches that he bet on. Honesty I’m fed up of this. I’m so fed up I even told his sister about the loan. She was shocked and asked shall she tell him what is he doing? I know in one way he should get told off but I know that wouldn’t change anything and it would definitely made him behave worst towards me which I am not ready to take again yet. But then on the other side I don’t want to hide his gambling anymore from his family, well at least his sister and his dad. So I’m so confused and full of doubts what to do.

[Caroline]

Thanks Vera. I was thinking how the heck he passed credit check and they even gave him ready cash. I will tell him what you told me about the company, let him be aware he’s messed up and fell for such a favour. He must have been thinking ‘oh wow that was easy’.

[Caroline]

How foolish was I thinking he’s fighting the addiction. Out of the blue he got a phone call and after that was a bit exited looking for paper work, documents. He’s took out 400 loan from provident. They came to the house when I was out and signed the agreement and gave him cash. I found out after reading his email. He’s lied saying next week they’ll bring cash but I’ve read the email and when he was sleeping I felt notes in his pocket. So I knew he’s not telling me the truth. He must have applied for it ages ago online and now they rang him. And what a surprise he’s been upstairs laying under blanket for the whole day following the busy evening on the computer. He said if it will make me happy he will cancel it next week when they come for the repayment. Does he think I’m that stupid that I’m gonna believe him. And then he said until all the money are transferred to his account he’s gonna do what he wants. But who’s gonna trust him to do that? Then he argues he can’t show he is responsible cuz hasn’t got access to money. So many confused messages from his mouth. I am so confused what to do, what to say and how to speak to him. I know there is only chance for him if only he wants to change himself and I won’t be able to change him but how long is it gonna last? There was a time when he admitted he needs to change and he did it for few months but now he’s forgotten about that. And he doesn’t wanna hear anything to do with professional help and meetings. Such a rollercoaster.

[Caroline]

How foolish was I thinking he’s fighting the addiction. Out of the blue he got a phone call and after that was a bit exited looking for paper work, documents. He’s took out 400 loan from provident. They came to the house when I was out and signed the agreement and gave him cash. I found out after reading his email. He’s lied saying next week they’ll bring cash but I’ve read the email and when he was sleeping I felt notes in his pocket. So I knew he’s not telling me the truth. He must have applied for it ages ago online and now they rang him. And what a surprise he’s been upstairs laying under blanket for the whole day following the busy evening on the computer. He said if it will make me happy he will cancel it next week when they come for the repayment. Does he think I’m that stupid that I’m gonna believe him. And then he said until all the money are transferred to his account he’s gonna do what he wants. But who’s gonna trust him to do that? Then he argues he can’t show he is responsible cuz hasn’t got access to money. So many confused messages from his mouth. I am so confused what to do, what to say and how to speak to him. I know there is only chance for him if only he wants to change himself and I won’t be able to change him but how long is it gonna last? There was a time when he admitted he needs to change and he did it for few months but now he’s forgotten about that. And he doesn’t wanna hear anything to do with professional help and meetings. Such a rollercoaster.

[Caroline]

Thank you Velvet for your warm welcome it was very much needed. You are right, in the group talk it is so much easier to explain and you are much more understood. I agree with what you said there and I’m glad all of people in the group expressed the same thought about it.
I have made changes to this thread just in case. My CG is doing quite alright at the moment. He hasn’t played for at least 2 weeks and I can see a little improvement in his behaviour. He has made himself occupied with lots of different activities, something he likes to do. I can see he is looking to pass his time, he goes out to his mum, rings his sisters and many different things to keep him busy. He is communicating with me much better, explains things to me politely and involves me in some of the things he does. I am not going over exited to things he tells me or asks for recommendation. I listen and advice if he wants me to, I do show him that I am interested in it. But don’t want to put all my heart in it yet cuz I’ve done that many times when I involved all myself in something he was doing and because of gambling he left it and I was left on my own to deal with it. So for now I am taking small steps and being very careful. I can see improvement. He hasn’t asked for money, he reduced talking about changing all payments to his account. I hope he will take small steps at a time like me. I did mention this website to him but heard excuses so for now I will try not to pressure him. Never know he might read in here…we don’t talk about gambling for now, I don’t mention it, I don’t blame him for wasting so much money and life. I thought maybe that way will be better. He said he is happy he didn’t play for so long and I really hope he will keep it up. I’m still unsure if to keep myself a bit of a distance to his life just in case. Can’t stop thinking what if he starts again…it’s an awful feeling.

[Caroline]

Thank you velvet.
I’m back to my house. There were the most exhausted days of my life. So many feelings, thoughts, doubts, hopes. We have agreed to many things and the main one is that he needs to show me he doesn’t gamble anymore. And I know exactly how he behaves when he’s not gambling and when he is. So far it’s been two days and I know he hasn’t played. I can see he’s trying, but he gets urges at least 15 times a day he told me. He needs to try hard otherwise I hope he did take it serious I will be leaving him next time. I wish I know how to support him with staying out of gambling. I know it will be hard. And I know it’s surprising I’m still with him willing to support him after all he’s done to me but I can see in him lots of potential to be successful if only he fights it right. For now I have put all my attention towards him and I’m a little bit unsure if I can start again looking after myself, so that he doesn’t feel left out.

[Caroline]

Im Spending night at his parents house. I packed my bags and took kids there.told them everything he’s done. Yesterday he started verbally abusing me, swearing and threaten me. I had to leave. I was going town and he was walking next to me swearing at me and stuff. So I just went to his mum and told them what happened.they said to stay here and don’t go back until he get some help. But it’s only two houses away and so easy for him to come. I Hope the police won’t need to come and this would be second time so all social services would find out and that’s the last thing I want. It’s so hard. He wouldn’t admit anything when his dad went to talk to him. I am lucky to have my in laws and that they exactly know who I am as he tried to turn it that it’s all my fault. They said I can’t come back and risk my and kids life. They very shocked. There is two options that can happen. He will come knocking and make a commotion and big mess (as police and shouting etc) or he will just leave it and don’t come for some time. But knowing him-the first option is more probable. I’m so stressed.

[Caroline]

The thing is he never acts like that if it’s not about money for gambling. He would never do things like this after a normal argument. It’s only when he needs the money to gamble. It is his way of making me give him the money. It is purely when he needs to gamble. Over them years it was so easy to make me enabler. It’s 3-4 years when he found this new way to make me give him. I don’t know if it’s two separate issues, and how do I find out. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I am being abused. I didn’t know, you have opened my eyes to this. I will have to read about it. Thank you sad,Vera, worried mama, velvet, and jilly! I will check out the website womens aid. Today has been quiet. Not talking to each other. Avoiding each other way. I am thinking non stop about telling my friend. It’s hard to open up with your feelings and things you’ve gone through. After all them years keeping it all inside I got used to it. I am very thankful for all your support. I’m still upset what he said and done, putting smile outside. Harder than I thought is looking after yourself. Takes time I guess.

[Caroline]

All the good work I thought I was doing is lost in one day. It was the worst Saturday and night since long time. I’ve been put down by him to the ground with his verbal abuses, mess and behaviour. I don’t think I can take this anymore. All of it just for£20. I was trying to be strong and not give him and instead I ended up heart broken, hopeless and hard to say but I’m with the feeling that if I die today it would be much better. I feel so sad. I am so much fed up of this life, of living like this. Today I ended up giving him that stupid money. He wouldn’t take our kids to their fund raiser when they attend to play sport activity. I hate weekends, I hate my shopping day. I hate the days when he knows I got money or i will go and get some to go town. I don’t even feel like to write what he was doing. All I know my house looked like a skip. From emptying bin bags on kitchen floor, mixing all herbs and spices, breaking my new two pairs of shoes, breaking wall upstairs passage, emptying tool box with all screws on the floor, emptying about five bottles of water on our bed and my little ones cot, cutting all my paper work and cards, hiding kettle and stuff. And the list would go on.. Gosh, how does it sound? Am I living with a mad man? So many insults, so many heart breaking words. Why don’t they realise what they doing, he said in the end it’s not about that 20 anymore but that I stopped listening and not giving him. That made him even more angry he said. When I started telling kids dad made mess cuz he wants money, he started saying mum is a prostitute so I left the subject cuz didn’t want my kids listen to that language. For words game I will never win with him cuz he’s got a big mouth at home. To be honest I don’t know if I can win with anything with him. If only I had money, place to go and documents I would run away from here.that’s how I feel at the moment. He would say stop feeling sorry for yourself. stop looking for sympathy. And I’m that dumb that I nearly believe he’s right.

[Caroline]

Oh my days, Sad! Thanks a lot for your comment. It makes so much sense what you’ve wrote how and why he behaves like that. Thank you for advice on the protein. I may consider it although he is a big no no for medication.
Tania thank you for your support. I wish you the best with marriage counselling! Fingers crossed.
Velvet! I didn’t know it was your son that is a CG! I always thought is your husband. It must have been tremendously hard for you to deal with it, can’t imagine how strong you must be! You know, we always have a choice to leave our husbands and start our lives again but being a mum of a CG son it’s like unbelievable hard cuz no mother would ever leave her son, I think. Wow velvet.
Today I do feel a little bit more happy and that’s cuz he’s calmed down a bit now. He did tried his luck today but I said no, I won’t give him. I am fighting with myself a bit. I want to do something nice for myself but then I think what’s the point and don’t do it. It’s hard, now I know how difficult it is to get back to normal life. But at least now I know I need to do it for the best of myself and him. I think for now I take one day at a time.

[Caroline]

Things have calmed down a bit. He hasn’t asked for money, although found 10 in my phone case on Sunday. It was a big disappointment that I left it laying around. Anyway I am happy I managed not to give him money for whole week. Despite all the troubles he gave me I stayed strong and I’m tried of this but glad. Now I can’t stop thinking about next time he asks for money. I constantly think and arrange plan in my head what to say and how to act. I have to be prepared in any occasion. I’m tired of this. I know if I relax too much with not thinking about it he will easily ‘eat me’. I am literally waiting for his next move. I just can’t stop thinking of what will happen. Now I know how extremely hard it is to get out of this and think about yourself. He started talking to me about normal things, everyday usual stuff. Is this his plan to make me get closer to him again, or is he trying to get normal and maybe don’t gamble? Am I very naive to think he wants to stop? I really don’t want to be a detective but how do you stop thinking non stop about it

[Author]

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