[brenda01]

I feel like I am on an island alone. I am in the US. The closest places is a 2 hour drive. It is so hard.

[brenda01]

Kin

I honestly don’t know. My action plan was to do an inclusion program to keep me away from any casino in my state. I really haven’t had time to think about gambling with everything going on. Today I drove to a co-workers, passed three casinos on the way. My heart would race with anxiety near every exit but I know the scare of arrest is enough to scare me. I have already disappointed all the people I love. I don’t ever want to do that again.

I paid $2,000 back of my $11,000 today. It made me feel so good on one side. The other side said look what you could have done with that money you pissed away.

[brenda01]

Wow……every word in your post was like looking in the mirror. Lying and sneaking was what I had done for years.

I think you will find what others write, helpful.

[brenda01]

Oh definitely our loved ones come first. Hope I didn’t imply otherwise. I am thankful for every second I have my parents. I rather meant I hope that my busy time helping them isn’t just keeping me from following my recovery steps.

I still have not gambled since the dreaded night I called my son. Not have I had the desire despite stress. For that I am grateful.

[brenda01]

Hi Kin,

I am hanging in there. I have had a lot of stress going on. My dad (Step)has been sick so I have been spending a day driving there to help my parents with odds and ends.

We moved last year to be closer to grandchildren and I don’t regret that decision one bit. But my parents wouldn’t move with us so we could stay closer together and continue to help as needed.

I have one brother who lives 400 miles away, has small children and is a musician who play bass guitar for well known artists. Which means he cannot be of any help since he is so busy. I don’t hold that against him whatsoever. He beats himself up enough for it.

My other brother lives 14 miles away from my parents however, he has an addiction to alcohol that runs his life. He isn’t aware or I guess won’t acknowledge it so I shut my mouth. He has become the very person he hates the most. Donor, as we refer to him. Our real dad wasn’t a part of our life.

Our (step) dad has been all we know. Treated us like his own and still does.

I feel like an only child right now. Running to my dad to appts, hospital, calling insurance companies etc. I think maybe this has taken on its own life and helped me to stay away from gambling. But then I worry it isn’t allowing me to deal with the feelings and behaviors that started my addiction to gambling.

It is hard to find the time to even work on my steps in recovery. Should I worry this new normal is just keeping me from healing? From learning everything I need to know? Or do I look at it as a blessing? It is keeping me too busy to gamble. There is the struggle I have. I want to recover from my addiction. Not just replace it with something else. In this case coping with my parents.

[brenda01]

Jvr3419 you made me smile today. You are inspiring! Thank you and keep up the great work!

[brenda01]

Hello! I found telling my family embarrassing but I needed just that to make me accountable.

I think of all the money I have spent that I now owe, it makes me sick

[brenda01]

Glad you made it back, where others struggle too. Sorry to hear you weren’t able to fight the urge while abroad. What is important is you know you have fallen, now you know you have to pick yourself back up and fight the addiction.

I am fortunate that the state I live in does voluntary exclusion plans. If I am caught on their property, I can be arrested for criminal trespassing. I know there are probably ways around it but I do not want to know or even attempt. I am fighting to keep my
family in tact.

Keep on fighting. You can do this!

[brenda01]

I just want to thank those of you who have time to post and share and allows others to reply. I read more posts than I write myself, not because I don’t have anything to say. I am just trying to navigate this whole thing.

So many questions pop into my head about this site, yet I worry about sounding like an idiot.
I am grateful to be able to learn from all of you.

[brenda01]

Hi JVR

Your post about researching your impulse control intrigued me. I know that the side effects of one of my drugs was compulsive gambling. Did I pay attention to that? No I thought I knew better.

I can’t completely blame the medication as I knew full well my “sperm donor” was an addict. I have always warned my kids that addiction to alcohol was in our genes. Maybe I should have listened to my own advice?

I still have to remain on the medication because there is no other medication or treatments that I have tried that work.

I am no longer fully blaming the medication, I am realizing that I have to take full responsibility for my actions. Accept that I am a better person than what I have become.

Congratulations on your 122 days gamble free!!!! That is a huge accomplishment.
I look forward to everyday when I can wake up and say I made it another day!!!!

[brenda01]

Ramona

I am glad you are feeling better. Never help someone who won’t help themselves when it comes to addiction. It is a dark, long process but it has to ultimately be him who wants the recovery.

[brenda01]

Today feels brighter. It helps the sun is out and it has warmed up finally. Trying to keep the mind busy with different things. Today the hummingbird feeders, the oriole bird feeders out and a little working in the ground to prepare for a garden. That is about all the planning I can do for today.

I might just sit in the glider and watch the traffic for a bit.

[brenda01]

I hear what you are saying, like I am listening to myself. I myself was a closet gambler.

My son who is nine years sober told me to take one minute at a time. Don’t look behind and only focus on the minute.

Hang in there, you got this. I am 8 days gambling free and I find this forum so helpful!

I hope you write down your feelings in here whenever they come to your mind!

[brenda01]

I read this post and thought to myself “this was what I needed to hear after the feelings from my head emerged today”.

Overthinking is something I have always been bad about. Thinking I know what people are thinking is even worse from me.

Thank You!!!

[brenda01]

Ugh….today is one week since I blew thru sooo much money. While I haven’t felt any urge to gamble, I feel so sad today. I feel guilt setting in every day a little more than the day before. I feel so ugly inside.

I have let more people know about my addiction and each time I tell someone it is easier to say. The lump in my throat is still there, and the tears still well up in my eyes.

I feel like they think I am ridiculous. That this isn’t serious. Maybe this feeling is just in my head. I am usually a good read of people but hell I don’t know anymore. Wondering if I am just being paranoid…….

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