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I don’t even know where to start, all I’m trying to do is become the person who I dream to be: a gambling free woman.
I guess I’m still young, but at my 30s I’ve been gambling for almost 12 years now and it has only become worse and worse to the point that I hate myself everytime I go back to that hell of gambling.
It all started as a college student to “socialise” with my aunt who would take me to the casinos and give me small amounts of money just to spend some time there. That was it, like a monster it dragged me to the darkest of places and after a few months I would find myself as a student not having enough money for a meal because I had spent it all gambling at any of the many local casinos.
I felt bad at that point but nothing serious, I was able to stop for long periods without even forcing myself to do so. And so my life went for the past 11 years, gambling more less often and when I lost a big amount of money I would feel so angry at myself that I didn’t go there in a few months.
But last year it all changed, I’ve always loved sports especially tennis and football (soccer) and unfortunately I found out about sports bet websites that were an easy way to destroy my life: no need to leave my house and I could use any of my cards online. That was it, it all started with 10 dollars and the so-called “beginner’s luck” that made me win around 2000 dollars. But as a compulsive gambler that I am, instead of withdrawing the money I lost it all in a couple of nights. I started with the soccer matches I was interested in and as days went by I found myself disgustingly betting at 4 am to any Australian or Japanese league match I could find online. I spent half a year doing so and lost all my savings, I would even bet all my savings and my salary to the point of telling lies to my partner when I couldn’t pay the rent or buy groceries.
Then I couldn’t take it anymore and I told my partner about my issue with gambling, I found a lot of support but it didn’t make me stop. I would continue gambling while hiding, losing the little money I had.
I stopped for a while but I would go back at it after 1 or 2 months and those nights I gambled as if there was no tomorrow, as if I just wanted to torture myself I would bet massive amounts of money without even caring what I was betting on. I had that feeling that the faster I lost all my money, the faster I would stop gambling again.
I have been able to stop for 1 or 2 months top but here I am today, I just found yesterday a new website and I gambled 100 dollars. I managed to win 1000 and of course I lost them all in a couple of hours. I’m hopeless, I know that people gamble much more money than I do but for me it’s a lot and even if it wasn’t about the money I do hate this regret, anger and hopeless feeling I get each and every time I go back to my demons.
People would say I have a great life and I agree: I have a loving partner, a beautiful family, a nice job and the admiration of people around me… but I am not happy with this stupid gambling obsession which I know for sure I don’t do it to get rich/win money. I still can’t find the answer why I’m a compulsive gambler and I might never find it, all I want is to be free and go back to enjoy life.
This is my day 1 and I hope to keep a long track on it.
Any advice/comments will be highly appreciated.
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A big thumbs up for finding and joining this site. I have certainly found it valuable as we all fight the gambling demon. It is nasty and a horrible addiction that has us doing and saying things that we and those that know us find out of character. Why this addiction takes such a strong hold on some of us and not others remains a mystery to me. The feelings you speak of are all too familiar to me. I to, in the past have won huge amounts of money, only to loose it plus more in my frenzy of gambling. I can also recall my thoughts on “getting on with it and loosing all my money, so at least then I could leave and go home. Many times in the past I have skipped social and family events as I rushed off to the casino. I left a major city to escape the clutches of a major casino, leaving a good job, friends and family to live more remotely, till I discovered on line gambling. It felt like their was no escape as this addiction followed and found me again…. you have made a good positive step Steph by joining this site. Read the stories, take part in the forums, read the support, ideas and thoughts of others. It does help and it does get easier. Keep reading and keep writing. We are all here for you.
Tina
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Hi Steph and welcome to the site. Well done on looking for help.
As others have said, barriers help, particularly in the early days. If you get a blocker for your phone/computer it’ll stop you finding anotehr site. Financial accountability will also help.
The good news is that you know you can stop, the difference this time is that in 1 or two months time you will be using support, posting here and getting to the groups. Maybe getting to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. We all find support when we want to stop – the trick is to keep using it to maintain recovery.
Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking and how you are filling your gamble free time.
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Day 4, great stuff. I can recall earlier on how far off 3 months on seemed. Keep going and keep counting the days Steph they all amount to significant progress, another day down is another day further away from this addiction. I feel honoured that you have read my journal and hope that it has helped you on some small way. The support and advice I received is and was instrumental in getting me this far without gambling. The thoughts and the desire can still hit me but I refuse to go back to that horrible dark place again. Keep writing and coming back here. We are all interested in how your doing.
Take care
Tina
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What country are you in if you don’t mind he asking?
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