I started gambling. I was probably about 14 and it was fruit machines in the ship shop after school. It wasn’t long until I was visiting bookies under-age at lunchtime and then skipping school to spend the entire afternoon in there. The level of my gambling has waxed and waned over the years, but it has always been there. Nearly 3 years ago I was forced to admit a terrible situation to my wife, I’d blown all our savings and taken a subtantial amount of money out of our company too. I started to go to GA and also had some NLP sessions. This really helped and I got to the stage where I could barely read the "sports advice" columns in the newspaper, I simply had to run the page. This was real progress.
However, it didn’t last. At the time I my wife and I had a 6 month old child, I know not the reason why I drifted back into it, but I did and there I have stayed until yesterday, when my wife confronted me again having seen some post suggesting I had obtained an overdraft. The overdraft is at least managed, but I have at least the same level of unmanaged debt including these foul payday loans and have again cleaned out the business. Why?
I really wish I could answer the why question? Why have I done this to my loving wife, who stood by me through everything the last time. Why have I ensured, at least for the time being, that my daughter, who is nearly 3, and 7 month old son will have to go without ?
At present my wife has not chucked me out, as on a practical level, with the kids and stuff, it doesn’t make any sense. But that really is the only reason. It was nice last night to hear she actually thought underneath it all I was a decent bloke. But, how much can any one person take? And why does a "decent bloke" do this? My wife last night actually said if it wasn’t for the kids she’s prefer to be dead. I have done that, I have changed the woman I married 4 years ago into someone feeling THAT low.
Thanks to Gamcare, last night we both arranged counselling sessions, although with the waiting list that will be 4 weeks away.
My wife and father have taken control of all the money and ensured I cannot access the business’ funds, which is of course the first step. Just to make sure I can’t cause any more damage, but the process of sorting out me stopping falling into the trap of causing this damage is just beginning and I know it’s not as easy as that.
I sitting here on the sofa now with my daughter as she plays with her stickers and my 7 month old son is crawling around the floor whilst "discovering his voice". It should be a perfect situation, what need should I have for gambling in my life? (incidentally my wife is asleep, as indeed she needs to be as I am certain she was up all night with worry).
Oddly and probably terribly ironcially of course, I actually do feel a little better this morning, because I don’t have to lie any more. Many times over the last 6-12 months my wife has asked me if I was having any difficulties, or if I’d been tempted. I point-blank said no. I just couldn’t admit it, even though my wife had always said she’d try to help and stick by me. She also said if she ever discovered I had lied, my bags would be packed. So, I realise I am on borrowed-time and am deeply grateful for it.
Today will be my first truly gambling free day for a long time. But will it be because I simply don’t have the funds or I want a sea change in my life?
Thanks for listening.
T.
