[Contessa]

Hi. I am a gambler. A compulsive gambler. I even claim Professional Gambler as one of my professions. 

I come from a family of gamblers. My dad was a gambler, his father was a gambler…

Things had gotten better and I wasn’t really gambling for many years. I would go to Atlantic City or Vegas or down to the Islands and I would gamble. 

I would lose more than I should and it would be an issue for a few weeks to a few months when I got home. Nothing I couldn’t deal with.

Well, with the prevelance of online gambling, I am a mess.

I have won some nice jackpots (which is the worst thing that can happen to a gambler) and each time I play, I think I will win again.

I won $6,500 in August and have probably spent $12k since. This is money I don’t have.

I’m 43 and have had 5 miscarriages. I want desperately to have a baby, but the only option is IVF, which insurance doesn’t cover and is $34k.

If I just would stop gambling, I would have that in two years – when I will probably be out of time.

So I am desperate. I feel I need to win the money to do IVF, except I am ruining my life and spending everything I have to win it.

Anytime I get a small check (less than $1k) I put it in my bank account and I end up spending it gambling. If it’s more than $1k, I put it in our joint account, but sometimes will write

myself a check so I have more money to gamble with. 

We are now over $100k in debt. All our credit cards are maxed out. We basically live paycheck to paycheck. I’ve stopped paying some of my cards and debts.

We are being sued for over $25k by creditors. The licenses I have for my job will not allow me to practice if I claim bankruptcy and I cannot have liens against me.

We owe the IRS over $30k.

As you can imagine, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and out of control. 

On the flipside, I am a “high roller.”

So, when I do go to AC or Vegas, I’m treated like a queen. I get elaborate suites and they give me money to gamble with. All our meals are free.

Casinos treat me so much better than anyone else. Why would I want to give that up? If only I could win and enjoy the perks. 

I know I can’t. I know I just have to stop, but every time I delete all the gambling apps, I get an email offering me a deposit match or even free money.

I can turn $20 into over $1000, but that’s never enough and I don’t cash out. I just spend it and then spend more.

I don’t really have money left to gamble. I’ve lost upwards of $55k this year alone. 

All of my jobs are commission based and therefore taxes are not taken out – thus the IRS debt. I also owe my state taxes.

My husband knows I gamble and knows I gamble too much. He knows we are in a lot of debt and being sued by creditors, but doesn’t really want to get involved. 

He enjoys the time my gambling allows him, so he, at times, will encourage me to gamble. Of course he thinks I should be smarter and that I know better.

I obviously don’t.

I know I just have to quit – but, like most who posted here, all I can think about is gambling. When some people are talking to me, I would much rather be gambling.

Lately, even when I win, I lose more than I win. I just cant cash out. 

I’ve had to reverse withdrawals on my bank account because two January’s ago, I overdrew my account over a weekend…by $3,500. I had deposited $20 – $50 at a time.

When it was reversed, they charged me $45 a transaction…then it was sold to an attorney and they want over $35k with interest and fees.

I am scared to answer the phone most times.

We owe over $5k in medical bills.

I took care of my father, who had Alzheimers, from 2011, till he passed away Sept 2017. I miss him dearly.

I am not where I thought I would be at 43. I thought I would have children and be a happy upper middle class, travelling where I wanted to when I wanted to and buying whatever I wanted.

Instead, I do travel, but usually to casino destinations, so the casinos help pay for the trip. I am so not who I want to be or where I want to be in my life.

I’m a pretty well-liked person. I have a great support system through my friends. I’ve just recently begun to be completely honest about  my gambling with about 6 of my friends.

Not so much with my mother or sister. They wouldn’t understand and they’ve paid for things for me. 

My mom paid $12k in back mortgage for me last year, and all she wanted me to do is stop gambling and I couldn’t – or didn’t. What an asshole I am, right?

I’ve had male friends offer me money for sex and i’ve contemplated it. I haven’t, as I would never cheat on my husband, but I have thought about it and even

fantasized about doing so. Maybe that would make my problems go away… I know it wont.

I know I say I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless, but yet I redownload an app and take my only $100 and deposit it.

I also know the more unhappy I am with my life, the more I gamble. Each month I get my period and I find I am not pregnant, I go on a bender.

I am fortunate I have occupations which allow for the potential for some fairly large commissions, but if I am spending all my time gambling, I wont take the time to focus on making the 

big bucks.

I look at my life as I am only one big deal away from fixing it all…or one big jackpot away from fixing it all.

I do the, “I will gamble tomorrow” mantra. I have gone to GA – years ago – and it wasn’t for me. Not there is a real difference, but I couldn’t relate to the sports betting or people who spent

their days/nights at the track. I went when I was addicted to scratch offs. I was really bad. I drove a stick car and at some point my e-brake no longer worked and I had to bring it to the shop.

When they looked into it, they found the e-brake casing in the car was full of the scratch off rubbings and they had to vacuum it out so the brake would lock. That was kind of embarassing.

My husband and I have thought about moving to a state where online gambling isn’t legal. That would help TONS.

I have so many things which I am supposed to be doing, but instead I just sit on my phone or the laptop and gamble. I’ve been late to events or missed them completely because

I was gambling. I know I am not in control. I know I am better than this, yet, even as I type this I wish I didn’t max out my daily deposits and I could even just deposit another $20. 

I sometimes wake up at 3am and begin to sob uncontrollably. My husband thinks I need medication; that there is something wrong with my brain.

I wont take meds because I attribute my first miscarriage to my coming off of Pristiq too quickly and I haven’t taken prescription drugs since – that was 5 years ago. 

I do struggle with depression and ADD/ADHD, blah blah blah – I struggle with what everyone else struggles with. 

I’ve tried meditating more and I should meditate even more. I know I am not worthless. I know I am more than my addiction. 

One of my occupations has me giving advice to others. I know what the right words are and even some techniques to get through the moment.

But, yet still as I type this, I would rather be gambling.

I would probably not go out ever again if I knew there was an endless bankroll to gamble with.

I am sick. I have an actual illness. Unsure if it’s the gambling or something else manifesting itself as the gambling addiction.

I know the difference between knowing better and doing better, but yet, here I am.

From the outside, I have an amazing life. I don’t really appear to want for anything…yet wanting a child has turned my world upside down. I don’t blame that for my gambling because

I’ve been gambling since before I was legal. I used to carry my sister’s driver’s license and memorized her SS# and would go to AC. I even won once – thank goodness I knew her SS#. 

She kept most of the winnings when that happened. She does not have the same problem. In fact if she puts 3 quarters into a machine and wins 2, she thinks she won. 

When I was 20 I went to the Bahamas via Ft. Lauderdale with some friends and I gambled the entire time on the ship and at the hotel. That was before the ATM’s were hooked up to 

our actual accounts and I overdrew my bank account by over $2k. So, I’ve been doing this since I can remember.

I’ve gone years without gambling. When my life was great, I didn’t want to gamble. 

Now, again, my life, from other people’s perspective, is probably something to be jealous of, but in truth, I am living in my own prvate hell. 

No one outside of other gamblers has a clue what I am going through. This is why my best friend told me to find an online group to join. 

You guys know what I am feeling. You know the struggle. You know the juxtaposition of gambling on your otherwise normal life. The lying, the faking, the the BS.

The pretending to be happy all the time…which is crazy because aside from the repeated losses and gambling, I should be so happy.

I’m not. I’m sad. I miss my father. I am constantly mourning the loss of the life I thought I would have. 

I still tell people “We don’t have kids yet”

They look at me with a head tilt.

Most respond with comments of my age and some even have said it would be unfair to a child. Others tell me to adopt (don’t ever say that to someone).

My home is that of a hoarder. Not entirely, but getting there. I gamble instead of cleaning. I gamble instead of doing most anything.

I am not sure what I am supposed to be looking for by writing this. Is it cathartic? Do I want help? Am I just looking for someone to relate?

Probably all of those things. 

I wish I could find something that excites me as much as gambling does. I so wish I was more productive. I have a book to finish writing and I’ve put it off for over 4 years because I’ve

been gambling. My agent wanted the book 2 years ago. There’s another pipe dream I have. My book will be a best seller and then become a movie.

I’d make a few million and get out of debt and have the life I so desperately want. So why do I keep putting it off?

I do see a therapist and although, like most I too have thought about dying, I’d never do it. 

I guess that’s about it. I have a problem and until I am willing and disciplined enough to do something about it, I will continue to have a problem.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I’m happy to read and process any feedback. I am hoping something resonates and helps me on my path to “recovery.” 

[velvet]

Hello Contessa and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Anonymous]

” I have a problem and until I am willing and disciplined enough to do something about it, I will continue to have a problem”.

I think that sentence sums it up.

You have to start somewhere, and must seem impossible to you at the moment. It isn’t impossible to stop and stay stopped but unless you’re willing to take the plunge 100%, it is really going to be an uphill struggle.

You know you need to stop, but do you really want to?

Why does gambling still excite you, this is the thing that’s gotten you into so much debt. It mesmerises you and takes all your hard earned bucks….it’s not really that exciting. It’s a con.

I’m in UK I’ve been to both AC and LV and at the time I loved the hype, the freebies, the “special” treatment. Of course the freebies are just what we’ve paid for hundreds of times over at the tables.

I’ve also lived in the gutter and been to prison more than once, all because of the excitement gambling had to offer.

I hope you do find what you’re looking for. Well done for posting so much on your first post, did you feel any better for doing so?

[Author]

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