[JesterRace]

This might turn into a lengthy read but I need to share my story, get this off my chest, and get some advice and support. This is my first time opening up about my problem anywhere, apart from giving my best friend an extremely diluted and sanitised version after a few drinks; “Ah I was just using online slots a bit too much”.

So I’ll share a bit about me and my background, I’ve just turned 30 last year, I’m single, I rent a house with some friends, I’ve work in a decent job for the last 5 years, it started off on minimum wage but now earn 30k (2k net take home, plus 2.3k bonus every July). Everything should be just peachy right? I should earn enough to live very comfortably giving my circumstances.  Unfortunately, throughout my twenties I was very reckless with money, I never started any life savings and mostly blew my salary on completely unnecessary shit, massive weekend booze binges, take aways, you name it. Of course, I funded my hobbies too, as a multi-instrumentalist and motorbike enthusiast I pursued these too, even when I couldn’t really afford something – most of these things I’d sell months later when I’m a financial hole to buy food for the remainder of the month.

I always found myself living hand to mouth towards the end of each month without any budget, or future vision in sight, the kind of bank account history that no bank or lender in their right mind would give finance/credit to, under any automated algorithm anyway. This changed when I inherited 5k about 3.5 years ago, plus my monthly salary that week this was the highest my bank account balance had been, ever. I was elated to say the least. With the 5k I inherited I planned to buy my dream motorbike which would set me back 3.5k. Rather than leave myself with nothing after this was purchased, I chanced my banking app to see if they would give me a loan now that my account looked healthy, and I could then “Store away that inherited 5k for a rainy day” and pay off the loan monthly. Needless to say, my loan of 5k was approved within a day or two, this began my journey into the world of debt, I had convinced myself at the time this was a smart move.

I had a few outstanding bills and a small debt or two to a friend which quickly shaved about 1k off this, and I can’t even remember where the rest of it went, some music instruments, amplifiers, which have all been sold to make ends meet since, and some motorcycle clothing and add-on’s, a new bed and mattress, lots of clothes, the rest was literally pissed away on nights out, nothing memorable. Furthermore I had acquired two credit cards, which had both been maxxed out at a 1k each within a few months. This time frame is mostly a blur, it was clear now I didn’t hold any value for money and was very self-destructive in my behaviour towards spending.

I wish I could turn back time and get a grip on my spending around this period and work out a budget before things became entirely unmanageable, there was always the weekend binges, buying shit I didn’t need, the odd holiday which just hammered away at my bank account and left me struggle to make even minimum payments on my debts, which also included a doorstep loan and a debt to my housemate as well as the two credit cards and bank loan. I had momentarily seen the light and approached my bank to get rid of my credit cards, and consolidate the balance on them to my loan, my outstanding with the bank was now ~8.5k. I started working overtime in work to earn extra cash and also looking up ways to earn more money online, I wanted to get out of this debt situation. But sadly, rather than properly assess my finances and spending, the solution was “I need more money”, which now in hind sight wasn’t the case.

I came across ‘matched betting’ online, a system where you use free bet promotions from bookmakers to bet against the same sport bet you make on another platform, thus making you win whatever the outcome, labelled as risk-free gambling, with some time and effort it would earn practitioners hundreds extra per month – seems like a pretty decent set up right? I had regarded the betting and gambling industry as something evil, since my mother fell victim to it most of her life and this caused a lot of problems within my family, and eventually leading to parents’ divorce some 16 years ago or so. It felt justified trying getting one up on this industry, almost like a revenge. After a few hours or trying these matched betting tactics and strategies, I realised for the time and energy invested in it, it wasn’t worth the pay-out, to earn anything substantial from this one would need to spend several hours a day on it. Bummer, but whatever. However – I noticed one of the online websites I had signed up to on this experiment, offered me 50 free spins in one of their casino games. I had no idea that this was the beginning of something very, very sinister.

I can’t remember the exact details of this first venture into risk-gambling but I did walk away almost a grand on top after several hours of playing, and any wagering terms from the bonus were met. So I sceptically decided to cash-out and lodge this into my account, to my amazement it appeared in my account a few days later.

With these winning I brought myself up to date with any outstanding debts and minimum payments, at the time it was a solution, a saving grace even. I lodged some more of these winnings back into the website and the same game, none of the others had interested me in the slightest as this one game was the one “I was good at”, “the one that paid out”. And to my surprise, again, I had come out several hundred euro on top again. This was great, “I finally have more money“, I thought to myself! Now the first warning sign came next, when these winnings landed in my bank account I pumped a good 90% of them back into the website and lost, down to being greedy – I could have come out a few hundred richer at one point but I wanted more, because I knew it was possible.

I was still making minimum payments on debts, which wasn’t really hammering away at very much to be honest, and didn’t see the gambling as a problem as I was still coming out on top, even when I lost, I would win it back the next month. This time frame is a bit of a blur again, but there was amounts of 1-2k going into my account monthly, however, spending back in was about 75% of this. Knowing I could cash out close to 2k really set the bar, I couldn’t walk away with like €500, that wasn’t good enough and regularly lost. I had the mindset that the game would eventually pay out the big cash.

Things really took a turn when one salary date, I pumped almost all of my pay-cheque into the website. The more I lost the more determined I got that it would eventually take a turn an pay out, this was serious problem gambling as this was money I could definitely not afford to be spending! The worst thing that could happen, happened, down to my last hundred euro or so after spending my rent and food money for the month, I started a winning streak. I cashed out nearly 3k or so. This once again set the bar, and told my brain “this works, you just need to be persistent”. Although I was certainly feeling more cautious then before, being aware of how that month could have gone catastrophically sour.

  A few days, maybe a week later, again all my minimum payments were met on my debts, I decided to go at it again, early morning just as I had woken up before getting ready for work – within an hour I was up 2k. It was too easy, all I had lodged was €50 that morning, a serious turn-over. I got ready for work and went in that morning without cashing these winnings out, as I felt I could pull in more, It was my lucky day after all. When in work that day, in my office in privacy I took out my phone and spent almost the full day slacking off and compulsively gambling on these winnings, big stakes, €10-€50 euro spins. By the time the day was almost over I had 5K winnings. I couldn’t believe it. This was my debt problems 80% fixed!

I was on top of the world, a full day of dopamine flooding my brain, shaky and jittery from my huge winning streak from a meagre €50 investment in it that day. I was in a full on trance, thinking of the debt I could clear and possibly the grand I could spend on some stuff I wanted. After I got some from work I decided to cash out ~3k and play with the remaining cash some more. I quickly lost almost all I had left in the online purse, so in my frustration I cancelled the pending cash-out and started chasing my losses, again in a frustrated trance. Fast forward a few hours all I had left was €200. It was a serious blow, I felt sub-human, rock bottom. This marvellous opportunity had landed on my lap and I had pissed it all away in a frenzied and crazed frame of mine. The next morning before work I had then spent the remaining €200 hoping to recuperate the loss, to no avail. This was a very, very tough pill to swallow. I realised I had a serious gambling problem at this point. But also, that this game had the potential to pay out 5K if the sun and stars were in the right place at the right time.

I had accepted now that this was a problem and decided to look at my situation a bit closer, to assess where my current winnings/losses to-date were at. I can’t remember the exact figures but according to my money in vs money out statistics from the website I was still up about 1.5K in total overall. This told me I had another shot if I was just a bit smarter about it and understood when to walk away with a winning. I was just getting myself further and further into this trap by convincing myself this was controllable.

I set daily/weekly/monthly deposit limits, to make sure I wasn’t pumping insane amounts in chasing a big win, this started me on a cycle of going on daily to the website once my new daily deposit was allowed, even if I woke up at 3am in the middle of the night, instead of going back asleep I’d log on to chance my arm. No particularly big wins came from this, apart from the odd few hundred here or there which simply covered losses over the last week or so. I lifted the deposit limit one pay day and left my entire months salary, rent, food money, all minimum debt payments and bill payments. I had to take out a door-step loan, at an extortionate interest rate to get me through that month. My life was spiralling out of control, so via customer care, I activated a 6 month time out from the website, and felt elated to do so. I thought about gambling every now and then for the first few weeks, without desire to do so, just an intrusive image of a big win, but after that it just disappeared from my mind, gambling wasn’t even in my train of thought and I had realised life was better off without.

Some months after the 6 month time out was up, a few months into 2018, I was still chipping away at debts, mostly just the minimum payments though as I was still blowing cash on unnecessary things and weekend binges. I was making progress but still had the weight of debt at the back of my mind. I logged back in to see if my head was together enough to walk away with a winning if one came, after this time out. It had worked, I cashed out a few wins, but the sinister cycle started once again.  This was relatively short lived this time though, after about 3 months, I activated a permanent self-exclusion from the website after my all time win-loss ratio went into minus a few hundred, I had realised I finally lost more than I won, and remember all the pain this had caused me in the past when I spent all my salary that year previously.  

During 2018, I was drinking particularly heavily on the weekends, and had booked several holidays for trips around Europe for a few days at a time, these factors were heavy on the bank account, combined with the few months of gambling this put me off meeting minimum payments on debts, and began to accrue some more debt, via another doorstep loan and money borrowed from a friend.

Even though I had stopped gambling a few months at this point, my life was financially spiralling out of control once again, of course I was drinking heavily and ignoring this – Ignorance is bliss. Around September my mental health had been on a downward spiral for several months. Although it was probably appeared on the outside to any observers I was living an extravagant life, partying, seeing European cities, having fun, I was feeling very isolated and empty inside, my sub-conscious mind knew I wasn’t paying attention to my debts and running myself into a shit show again. After a particularly heavy night drinking at the end of september I knew enoigh was enough, This day was the last time I drank, The next few days were spent in a very depressed state, I felt suicidal, very dark times, trying to piece my life together, to start again and figure out a way to get back on the horse. For sure, giving up alcohol was the top of the list, no doubt the gambling had contributed to this state of mind by keeping me in debt, but I hadn’t gambled in a few months by this point so at least that was already put to bed.

That was 5 months ago and I haven’t drank since. I have absolutely no desire to drink whatsoever, and after a month into the sobriety, I set a plan to not drink again for a whole year, or until whenever my debts are cleared at least. This was another very smart move, I started to pull myself out of this hole to make a plan to get my life sorted. I started doing a lot of journaling, meditation, writing out all my feelings and thoughts helped me to understand them better and gain control of them,

After a few weeks I started eating healthy and running almost daily. I started getting good at running, and decided I was going to train to run a marathon while I sorted out my debt problems and got myself healthy in the process. I had lost 2.5 stone in weight, and in the cardiovascular shape of my entire life in just 3 months of this, already running distances of up to 26km. I felt great, and more together than ever, and chipped away at my debts slowly.

But last month I bought a scratch card while getting fuel, a €5 card won me €50. This was the first time I had gambled in a long time, and it low-key reignited a fire for it again. Still running and eating healthy, loosing weight, getting fit, paying off debts, I bought a few more, another €50 won here, another €20 here or so. Didn’t think much of it. I guess this fire led to last week opening a new account with an online casino. I’m not sure why I did it. My train of thought was this is the most together I’ve felt in a long time, and I was making massive pro-active changes in my life, maybe I thought I could sensibly enjoy a little online gamble, either take a win or a loss. I didn’t think I could be thrown back in the full fire of my previous problem once again, those days were behind me, surely, I had moved on and learned from all this in the year previous?

I created this account on a new unfamiliar gambling website since I had a self exclusion on the one I used before and decided to chance my arm. I should have known what was about to follow. I’m filled with shame and riddled with guilt to admit I blew all my salary on it. My rent, my minimum payments, and without realising it at first some of my housemates rent which had been deposited to my account. This new game caught me like the one before. Big wins, big bonus games, there was a point I could have walked away up around €700 richer, but I didn’t. I lost it all. The next day I went on to try again after my second house mates rent went through and lost that too. I tried to chase my losses and was convinced if I persisted it would pay off and fix everything like it has done on occasion in the past. I’ve fucked up on a ridiculous scale and not sure how to fix this. After doing the finances I need €1800 now to meet all minimum debt repayments, rent and to live for the month ahead. I feel sub-human, utterly disgusted with myself, only this time not because I lost, because I even tried in the first place.

Now that I’ve stopped drinking and regained some control of my life, I have the added clarity after this f— up to see that my gambling is a very, very serious problem I still have, that could destroy me like it has many others. So now I’m reaching out, not doing this alone anymore, to online communities, and to friends to try help me with this.

I have permanently self-excluded from all the large online gambling websites now by using gamstop.

 I want to hand over my bank cards to a friend, who can hand over what I need for food/petrol each month, and let my rent and bills go through via standing order, and all other debts gets cleared by standing order also.

My current debt is 7.5k. I need to get a bailout of 1.8k, which will bring it to 9.3k. Without the access to my bank cards I can clear 1.1k per month of debt after all overheads and living expenses. It’s possible to be debt free and living a completely different life in a few months. But I can’t do it alone. I want to go to GA meetings, and to take the same approach to this problem as I have the alcohol binges.

 

Options are limited to get this bailout

Tell this to my best mate, come clean and ask for a loan and to take my bank card and withdraw what I need each month and what I owe him.

2)    Same above except to my housemate

3)    Go to bank and explain my situation to see if they’ll top up my loan, although unlikely since there’s gambling transactions from the last 7 days.

4)    My motorbikes already been put up for sale online, if the above 3 don’t work. This will cost more money in the long term on public transport but will have to be done to make ends meet this month.

 Any words of advice would be helpful here, I’m aware this is a super long post, but just needed to get this all off my chest and out in the open. I’m feeling very lost and confused.

 

[velvet]

Hello Jester and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[dunc]

Hi Jester
Thank you for a well written thread, one that shows gambling is gambling and what may seem like a seemingly irrelevant decision to buy a scratch card has had a huge impact
Its great your installing barriers like Gamstop, exclusion etc. apart from GT what else are you planning on doing to help yourself get an understanding of yourself and how your life style and gambling are playing a part
Financial advice isn’t something we promote on GT, we all have different situations; however, there are organizations that can advise such as
Step Change Debt Charity
We provide the UK’s most comprehensive debt advice service. We help people
with debt problems take back control of their finances and their lives.
0800 138 1111
Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 8am-4pm
https://www.stepchange.org/
One last idea that may help is to change your bank to Monzo. Monzo bank is an app based FCA approved online bank that doesn’t allow any forms of gambling https://monzo.com/about/. It maybe worth looking into

[Steev]

Hello Jester and thank you for posting. I was around your age when I decided I had to do something about my gambling. I was in a similar situation with a well paid job and should have had a good life, yet I was in lodgings, with debts and living to the next pay cheque. No-one can tell you what to do – we can only advise, but my advice would be not to involve friends in this unless you come clean about your situation and even then … As a compulsive gambler, I know how difficult it is to stay stopped. I reckon it took about 5 years from making the decision to stop to actually being gambling free (and I still had a few slips after that.). I think you are too vulnerable to risk friendships by not paying back what you owe – and friends are so valuable to us, as we tend to gamble alone. Go to GA, get advice there. Lose access to money. Ban yourself from gambling premises and online, (use gamstop) . Keep yourself busy to avoid gambling thoughts – perhaps take extra work on to help clear the debts. Get some good unbiased financial advice. When you have stopped for a few months and have a clearer head, seek out some counselling to look at what has caused you to drink and gamble – otherwise there is the danger of using some other addiction to avoid looking at things. I wish you well.

[JesterRace]

Thanks for the replies and support. Just checking in with an update now:

On Sunday night I spoke with my best friend, I told him straight out, “Mate I have a gambling problem and need some help”, he got the full, no-holds-barred truth, how it all started, the highs the low and and everything I’ve shamefully done to date . He offered great support, didn’t judge me and said he was proud I took this step and reached out. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief not keeping this bottled up inside any longer, it was horribly isolating to not have anyone in my life know what was going on.

The following evening on Monday I came clean in a similar fashion to my housemate also, another extremely close friend, received a very similar response. He said these things are designed to trap you and take your money, don’t beat yourself up, lets work together to fix this and get you on the right path – getting that response has certainly given me light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night my aforementioned best mate came over and we planned out my finances for the year ahead, hes quite good with money himself so we designed a plan to pay off all debts to bank, door step loans, friends as well as saving up a kitty of emergency cash at the same time. I’m very excited to go the next salary month without spending everything, it’ll be the first time in years. I also don’t have any access to my bank cards or cash at the moment as a precaution.

This evening I managed to sell my motorbike, raised money to cover the immediate loss, rent and bring all my debts up to date, and survive for the next 3 weeks to pay day. That motorbike was my pride and joy, but this life lesson i’ve learned from selling it is even more invaluable if I’m honest.

Positive updates all around I guess, obviously I do feel sad and gutted that it has come to this, but also feeling positive about the future, I’m ready to put the work in and repair my life, a far brighter future awaits without gambling and with better financial stability.

[Pie]

Hi Jester.

I’m new here, signed up last night after spending my last dollar trying to win back my losses on online slot machines

Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read. Not because I want someone else to suffer as I have but to know that I am not alone and that I am not a complete failure for having been down this path. Thank you.

I posted my story at 1am this morning while lying in bed on my phone, desperate.

Like you, I am considering selling my motorbike due to difficult finances. And that’s something I am struggling with the thought of as I rebuilt it after a major accident some years ago and it’s actually one of the only things I own. But as you say this becomes one of those hard life lessons that we have to be brave enough to learn from.

Dude, I am ridiculously proud of you for opening up to your two friends. I can imagine the weight that that alone has lifted off you. Well done. And that is just awesome to hear you are working through your finances with one of them. Great update, and one that gives me great hope as I begin to tackle my problem head on myself

keep us posted, high fives from New Zealand.

[JesterRace]

Thanks for the message of support Pie, I read your story just now, there are certainly some striking similarites.Neither of us are failures dude, we just got caught in this sinisiter trap. A trap designed to catch otherwise intelligent and rational folk, This forum definitly helps with the accountability and getting it off our chests, so keep posting, would like to follow your journey! Selling the motorbike was certainly hard, a very tough pill to swallow, I can imagine this would be even more amplified for you considering you had to rebuilt after that accident. If it comes to selling yours, stay strong, and do what you need to do to repair the financial damage with your head held high. I took some weird comfort in knowing I sold something I really didn’t want to to fix my situation, it’s feels like I took ownership of things I have done, and shows I’m willing to rebuilt my life and my finanaces at whatever cost, and losing the bike will always serve as a reminder of how much I never want to go down this road again.

[JesterRace]

A little update here also; The funds from the bike sale landed in my account, and I’m now up-to-date with all minimum payments on loans and bills/rent etc. I have food, shelter, clothes and warmth, a solid financial plan for the months ahead, and some € in my wallet. I’m sad I have no motorbike, but in the bigger scheme of things I know I’m doing OK for now.

I went to another city with some friends over the weekend (including my housemate, who has my bank cards) to see a concert, and then returned to my hometown to go off to my other best mate’s birthday celebrations in the pub. It was good to get out, I was on the alcohol free beer as I’m not drinking at the moment, but I still had fun. However, I seen a lot of old friends in my hometown I hadn’t seen in a long time too, when they asked how I had been keeping during the small chat, I felt “I’m in debt from a gambling addiction and had to sell my motorbike” wasn’t a particularly apprpriate response so I just said “all good, and yourself?” , I look forward to the day when I can see friends and honestly reply to that question without hiding anything.

I get fleeting thoughts about gambling, without any desire – if that makes sense? My lizard brain craves the dopamine, but my rational brain is saying “Nah, f— that, you’re so done with that s—” . Not that it matters, I don’t have my debit cards, and am banned from all online casinos I know of

Tomorrow will be my first day taking public transport to work after the sale of the motorbike, I’ll have to remind myself, I’m on this bus because I am rebuilding my life, and throw on a good spotify playlist to see me through the 1 hour commute (That’s 20 mins on a motorbike…but we’ll ignore that)

[i-did-it]

Hi jester,
An hour in the bus with peace of mind while you contemplate the future sounds far superior to 20 minutes on a motorbike worrying frantically over money, feeling shame about debts and mentally adding and subtracting so you can survive the month.
You have shown great bravery in confiding in your friend and have made some really great decisions which will ensure your recovery from this trap.

Well done and I look forward to reading of your continued success.

[JesterRace]

Wow, The entirety of last week’s morning ride to work was spent doing exactly that. Thank you very much for drawing that parallel, it’s given me a positive shift in perspective . I look forward to the contrasting serenity tomorrow now. I guess little changes like that in perspective will help the rebuilding and recovery process.

Thanks also for the kind words, blown away by the support so far on this forum. Will certainly continue with the updates as the following months progress, onwards and upwards.

[Author]

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