Well, you could’ve already guessed the place I live in, I mentioned a bunch of details in this whole journal but alright. Russia.
So basically yeah, one of a hellhole for sure. No matter how I look at it, my perspectives here are uncertain to put it lightly. I cannot afford myself to stay here for my whole lifetime: it’d be too miserable of a fate. And you may say that I’m exaggerating or just whining. But no, I know what I’m talking about.
Still, with all that said, to make my plans work I need a job. Or just a way to find money. Currently, the only thing that I’m doing is tutoring my younger brother in maths & informatics. Which my father gives me some money for. You can call it a little part-time at home job. And that’s not enough not only for so-called “far-reaching plans” whatever nonsense I made up in my head, that’s not enough for living alone in my hometown, for instance. So that’s how it currently goes. And I’m almost a graduate student. Most of the students in my group in uni are already working.
But the thing is. I’m not even trying to find a job. You remember the story of my first two experiences related to that in last year. Dare not call them job experiences. One was pizza-electric scooter case, another one was informatics exam tutoring. Haven’t heard a word from latter ones still. What a joke.
But my specialty is programming. Software. Computers. How to find a job in that field? Here, it’s practically impossible to do so without a degree. And to be completely honest with you, I’ll say the following. I HIGHLY doubt I’d be appreciated and treated with respect here, like, at all. Even if I have or will have enough professional skills. I’m referring to very basic, simple human relations. That’s because I have an internal conflict with all my current environment. I do not belong here. Various internet communities have been my outlet for a long time. But I want, I really want to have a safe, healthy, normal IRL, as they say. That’s not possible and won’t be in any near future, that’s why I had to develop a couple of ways… so-to-say coping mechanisms. Gaming, chatting online, listening YouTube, music… even gambling, damn it. I’m glad I learnt English to the point when I can freely explore the net, getting the information I need, reading articles, listening to videos, talking with people (with the exception of speaking, my speaking is still bad). I would not have access to the whole new world, if all I knew was my mother tongue, as in the case of most people living here.
So, I guess I still have bright spots in my life. But they are in conflict with the reality that surrounds me and mostly serve as ways of escapism.
Thank you for reading this whole… confession? I don’t think I ever said something like that to anyone but myself.