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This is my interpretation of the cycle of problem gambling as a loved one. I have been with my parter for 9 years now. This is directed to him, but I am sure friends and family of CG may be able relate to this also.
You create a dramatic sympathy-provoking situation after you fail to keep your word to make repayments or when you know that your disappearance has angered, hurt or disappointed me.
You become irritable, childish and demanding when you don’t get what you want (money) or when something interferes with getting what you want (money to gamble). You adopt a “poor-me” attitude, love to play the blame game and manipulate me in giving in to your sob stories and financially rescuing you. You are totally unrecognisable during this period of the cycle, to the point where i wonder where you’ve gone.
Like a flip of a switch, you become kind, calm and pleading once you’ve blown your week’s wages and are in desperate need of money again. Being flat broke makes you dish out words of affection to further evoke sympathy and understanding in order to help you get by for the week.
Promises to repay are made, loved ones are sworn upon and so money is lent.The week of borrowing has come and gone. Pay day has now arrived. Excuses are sometimes set early during the day to act as a perfect cover up for the night ahead.
Phone calls are missed. Text messages are ignored. Feelings of betrayal and self-hate sky rocket. Tears are shed, food is untouched. The need to distance myself as far away as possible becomes unbearable. Doubt about things ever improving floods my mind. Every excuse is scrutinised and calculated. My suspicions about his true whereabouts rise along with my gut. Promises that were made earlier in the week have been forgotten. Intentions to fulfil those promises are suddenly not so important anymore. Because cash has arrived and the more for yourself, the merrier you’ll be.Feelings of thankfulness and appreciation for having lent you money for food, fuel & smokes during the week no longer exists. Exploitation sets in and the cycle ends only to restart and repeat itself every.single.fucking.week.
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Hi Joan
You have described a cycle of addiction that is recognised but I do not hear how you are coping. I hope you felt relief putting your feelings down. When misery swirls around inside your brain without an outlet, there will be no answers and it can become insurmountable.
Money given to a gambler is never lent, it is lost. as its sole purpose is to feed an ever-hungrier addiction. Your partner will see money as a means to an end and that end is the ‘gamble’ and that gamble will result in loss. He desires to ‘gamble’ and for that he needs money.
I have been in your shoes and stayed for far too long in them. The gambler in my life told me that as long as I enabled him, he had, had no incentive, or intention, to change. Facing an addiction is tough, it takes courage and determination and often desperation. Unwittingly I had kept him in his cycle by not facing my own lack of courage which resulted in my loss of self-esteem and confidence.
You are not to blame for your partner’s addiction, he is the one choosing to stay in his cycle but you are stronger than his addiction will ever be.
Has your partner ever accepted he has a problem and sought help? Maybe you could download the 20 questions from the Gambler’s Anonymous website and leave them for him to see. Perhaps he does not realise that there is support for him, that he does not have to live with misery and confusion. We offer fantastic support on this site for gamblers. Our Helpline,’my Journal’ forum and ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles – all are willing to support your partner. Everything is anonymous, he will be understood. He has nothing to lose by trying and possibly everything to gain?
A gambling addiction is a terrible thing to own; your partner would have placed a bet for fun at some time, as so many do, he could not have known that for him addiction was waiting in the wings. However, feeling sorry for him is a waste of energy – by continuing to gamble he is resigning himself to constant feelings of failure and only he can change that.
‘How do F&F stop their Cycle’? The answer lay with me as it lies with so many. When everything we have tried has not made an iota of difference then it is time to do something different.
Today, you have done something different, you have posted here where you are understood. Whatever has gone before cannot be undone but today you can resolve not to let his addiction rule your life.
I suggest that you keep posting and hopefully join an F&F group to communicate in real time. Creating a journal on the forum will give you a record to look back on, to see how far you have come; what you did that made a difference and what did not. Sharing helps.
I would never suggest that you end your relationship. Learning to say ‘no’ and meaning it is possibly equally difficult but ‘your’ health and life matter.
I leave you with my favourite quote ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results’ – Mahatma Gandi
Post soon
Velvet
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