My First Journal and my determination to quit gambling have begun. 13-11-2018.

I never thought i would be labelled as a compulsive gambler, anyone who knows Paul lee dearly, they would ask the same question: “are you joking?”

A 32 year old Video Director and a high achiever creative, having a beautiful supportive wife and family with 2 daughters , alot of friends who are real enough to hang out with

and already walking the dream that one day I would make it to Hollywood and make my own films. I once HAD IT ALL until i CHOOSE to LOSE IT ALL.

So what happen? How did I became a Compulsive Gambler? How did I lose more than 3 million dollars?

It all started with the small things we do. Actions so small we dont even realize will become such a SERIOUS BIG thing. 

Lesson No.1 ————-> “We allowed ourselves to GAMBLE.” 

Self Excuses like: “Its ok, its just few dollars only. You wont be so unlucky, You cant lose forever “

Peer Pressure Influences: “If you hit this jackpot you wont have to work so hard anymore” 

Casino Operators Influences: “Climb back up from where you fall”

Born and raised from a Chinese family backgound, gambling culture exists during the celebration of Chinese New Year. No matter of what age, we would use our red packets lucky money to hope for a double up.

The money came too easy, it wont be appreciated and therefore GREED takes place and starting to change one’s behaviour. So my gambling journey began from my own RACE CULTURE.

I remember during my high school days, i was introduced to Football gambling. Those times bookies used landline phones and pager to get the latest odds of the matches.

I was like the rich kid in class, naively thinking these were my friends, i didnt know I was A TARGET. Always started with getting lucky by winning a couple of hundreds and soon you start to BELIEVE YOU ARE GOD.

Obviously you dont win all the time, and when you are down by thousands trying to chase and win back before the Monday settlement. (I believe this shares the same journey of many football gamblers in Asia.)

FALL No.1 , 16 years old —————–> In debt of 4000 dollars
In desperation and threatened by my classmate bookie that “HIS BOSS” will come to school if i dont pay up! I had enough money to buy a next day flight to Singapore from Malaysia to withdraw all my kids saving.

I was 16 and i had the guts to plan my guerilla trip to save myself. Where did the savings come from? It was from most of my red packet money saved throughout the childhood years.

Cut the story short, I took the money, flew back and was happily welcomed home by my bookie at the airport. 

I departed first flight in the morning and Touched down home via the last flight. I thought i was SAFE given that nobody knew about this.

When i stepped into my house, there was this shadow figure seated at the sofa couch. My mom was seated there emotionlessly. I felt instantly something wasnt right but i told myself “put on your act, you can do it”.

She invited me to sit down, with a calm and toneless voice  “Where did you go today?” 

Me: “I already wrote a note for you this morning, our school has extra curiculum activities and i went to XXX’s house to study for the exam together”

Mom: “Is this true?”

Me: “Yes!!! If you dont believe why dont you call XXX!” ( the friend who knew abt my situation and drove me to the airport)

and she finally raised her voice.

Mom: “Then why did XXX’s mom call me to say that you were in Singapore?”

*f******k was the only thing that could appear in my mind… ***** traitor XXX… ******

Obviously, i ran out of words and lies….

and my mom started to tell what happened the whole day…

” Paul, when i saw your note , there was this instinct that something wasnt right… I called up the school to ask for you.

The headmaster said he will help me check around the school if there were such activities organized by the teachers. 

Without hesitation, i went directly to school and we went to every class to look for you.

You were no place at sight, so to prevent you from getting into more trouble, me and your brother drove to all shopping mall’s karaoke and snooker centers to look for you.

We also went to the possible cyber cafe. We went to every room and every corner to ensure that you are safe but we cant find you.

Only praying that you were safe, we went home and waited.

Few hours later, our prayers were answered with a call. XXX’s mother called me and said that XXX confessed to her that he sent you to the airport.”

tears began to roll down my cheeks. I was in guilt that my actions had caused my family to worry and suffer for me. “Im really sorry…” and i burst into tears.

My mom didnt cry and remained calm but STERN.

“Whatever happens, know that FAMILY will always help you, so always tell us before its too late!”

I picked up myself and SWORE I WOULD NEVER LIE AGAIN

Until…..

 

FALL No.2 , 17 years old —————–> In debt of 8000 dollars

I stopped gambling for a year but the same friends were still my friends. Therefore, i started gambling football again. This time i proudly announce that it ended with a big win of 2000 dollars.

I gave myself excuses to stop gambling.

SO INSTEAD OF GAMBLING, I became a SUB-BOOKIE myself, helping others to place bets so i can get commission.

HAHAHA, I BECAME A TARGET AGAIN.

One of the distant friend from another classroom called me and say that he is helping a bunch of old folks from coffee shop to place a bet tonight.
It was a big bet of 3000 dollars, i was worried to accept it so i consulted my bookie, he said tell them if they dont pay by Monday, 20% interest will apply daily until they pay up.
So i gave back the same terms n condition to the friend who wanted to place the bet and he assured that dont worry, they will all pay him cash on the spot.

So the first match they won half, they had an advance winning of 1500 dollars with me now. Instead of withdrawal, the next day they requested to place more bets. This time they placeda total of 4000 dollars matches and i accepted the bet.

they lost it and owing me 2500 now. they requested to place more bets but i told them i cant do so until they pay up. They got angry and swore that they wont pay a single cent.

With my ego and greed, thought that i was protected by my bookie, i told them you agreed on the terms and condition of 20% interest. Please pay up on Monday to prevent any issue.

Time flies, its wednesday…. no sign of payment received. Only get excuses of will pay by end of today with interests… etc

Great… its friday, with the super increasing interests rate, the debt has tripled and became 8000 dollars ++. They disappeared and didnt even come to school anymore.

My bookie told me to BEAR ALL THE DAMAGE AS IT WAS MY PLAYER.

(Ha Ha Ha…. Paul, you deserve it!)

So… remember? I have 2000 dollar winning with me for my gambling retirement… im lack of 6000 dollars now! That night a friend ride his bike and

brought me around the island to  borrow money from over 15 friends in highschool, each helping me with a few hundred. Some even pass me their piggybanks with cents! I was deeply touched by their kindness….

Still it wasnt enough, i was 3000 short. In the wee hours of the monring. I went to my bookies house and passed him all the money. “Im sorry, this is all i can get for now”

He gave me a few more days.

Out of desperation again now, i seeked help. This time My grandfather, i went to him and told him everything. He was an ex policeman, he taught me to be truthful to myself.
The next morning, He went to the bank and withdrawn 8000 dollars and pass it to me. “RETURN TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR BOOKIE AND RESTART AGAIN”

I picked up myself and SWORE I WOULD NEVER BE CHEATED AGAIN 

Until…..

Lesson No.2 ————-> “WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN DEEP SHIT, REMEMBER WHAT YOU PROMISED”

Yeap… Grew up, everything seem back to normal, went into College days… Hello Paul, where was your promise? I was involved in World Cup gambling again… University days… skip classes and went to Casino and online poker… As you grow up, you tend to have more money from your parents.

These money were supposed to be used for good purposes but yet because I didnt really acknowledge that gambling is a no no before, therefore all these money were abused to gambling habits.

I guess i have lost about 80,000 throughout the years not knowing that gambling is the reason why i get poorer and poorer with no concrete savings until i graduated.

finally i got into entrepenuership upon graduation, the first 2 years i put full focus on my career. I wasnt distracted by my gambling habits, it exist but not heavy, more of occasional bets for fun, yeah.. thats what happens next when you still think gambling is okay…

Until….

FALL No.3 , 26 years old —————–> Lost 700,000 and in debt of 100,000 dollars

My mentor told me this, every big losses came from a big win, because you believe the big win will come again…

Where did i get so much money to lose? Let me clarify this straight, 500,000 dollars were money passed down from my father’s will. 200,000 were all the profits n salary i earned through my own company throughout the years.

Many people ask me, “Paul, thats a huge amount, have you ever tried spending the money on things you enjoy like go for a holiday maybe?”

“IM SORRY TO SAY NOPE… BEFORE THE MONEY WENT INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT, I WAS ALREADY IN DEBT AGAIN!”

Therefore, the money only went through my bank account for a few minutes and went straight to all bookies.

OK, this time what makes it different is that this football world cup was the FIRST TIME EVER I HAVE WON BIG MONEY. I won over 20,000! HOORAY!

Remember what happen last time? I BELIEVE I AM GOD again… I started to give myself excuses to place bets daily. You still have 20,000 to lose, you WONT LOSE IT ALL.

This time it got serious… since there wasnt any Premiere Leagues going on after the world cup. I was betting on european friendly matches and asia football leagues.

So instead of waiting until weekend to bet, i bet in the afternoon weekday matches, the midnight matches, started to do my research in the afternoon again for all matches and it became a daily profession for me.
I became the worst gambler one would imagine, instead of gambling on full matches only where you have to wait for 2 hours for the result, i became impatient and gambled on EVERY CORNER KICK, EVERY GOAL , EVERY 5 minutes result.
Thats when i start to lose it all… my capital per match is 5000 and can be easily lost in few seconds of the full match. Therefore I open more accounts with different bookies and each account with a high credit limit of 50000 so i can chase back my losses.

I WAS ALREADY INSANE. IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS, I HAVE LOST 700,000 CASH AND OWING UP 4 BOOKIES A FINAL TOTAL OF ANOTHER 150,000

Sigh… i approached MY MOM for help. She helped me pay and requested me to CHANGE YOUR MINDSET.

I SWORE I WILL QUIT GAMBLING FOOTBALL FOREVER.

Until…..

Lesson No.3 ————-> “NEVER HELP A GAMBLER TO PAY OFF THEIR DEBTS, TOO EASY”

I managed to quit gambling football. It was painful for me to think back of what i have done to myself. I regained back confidence to work and strive in business.
Soon not long, i was involved in gambling business again…. this time it was an excuse to lose because it was work related.

I was involved in a Poker Club App where i drive players in to play and earn through table rakes. Sometimes we sit in to

ensure the tables are hosted smoothly until peak sales can keep us off the table. So basicially we were gambling our profits away.

No matter how high profit we got, we kind of lost it all on the table and slowly you want to chase back what you have lost.. your hard earn money….

I lost and just kept losing… i feel that i have slowly LOST MYSELF in the process of chasing back….

Fall No.4 , 32 years old —————> 2 MILLION DOLLARS

Remember if you start gambling again, you go back to phase 1! “WE ALLOWED OURSELVES TO GAMBLE”

This is the finale of my gambling story… the depression, the losses that became much more than just money…

I didnt gambled on football but my mindset on gambling have not ever changed properly at all. GAMBLING SOON BECAME  “FOR LEISURE ONLY” IN MY MIND.

So there was this local cheap low class gambling den call COSMIC with diversified slot machines like hitting a GOLDEN Fish or a Monkey god will give big payout if you place bet on them.

Its quite a complicated place where usually only foreign workers will hangout hoping to win some small quick cash.

I was introduced to go play by a friend together and soon GOT ADDICTED TO IT. From a monthly visit, it became more frequent into a daily habit in the end skip work to be there.

As you all know, i was recouperating from my damage, even if i have salary , after paying off some loans that time, the rest was only enough for food not entertainment purpose.

SO I BEGAN TO LOSE FEW HUNDREDS DAILY AND SOON BECAME THOUSANDS AGAIN.

All my savings bank account was LITERALLY SHOWING -$10.00 from overdrawn already BUT YET I JUST WENT ON.

TO CHASE MY LOSSES, I GOT INTO ANOTHER GAMBLING PLATFORM USING WECHAT TO OPEN RED PACKETS. THATS*****ING WORST, LOSING UP TO 20,000-30,000 PER HAND AS BANKER

SINCE I WAS ALWAYS LOSING MOST OF THE TIME, I MUST GAMBLE SO THAT I CAN WIN BACK,

1) I HAD TO STEAL MONEY FROM THE HOUSE

2) I HAD TO LIE FOR MONEY INJECTION TO FEED MY GAMBLING HABIT

3) I HAD TO WORK TWO SHIFTS, MORNING AS A GAMBLER AND NIGHT ONLY GO BACK TO MY COMPANY TO PRETEND I WORKING OVERTIME, ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPEN EVERYDAY WHEN I GET HOME

Great… so this went on after a year…… the local gambling den was forced to close down by the government. the habit is there, the urge to gamble, to win back my normal life….

I started to visit GENTING casinos and outstations casinos more often during my work trip.

At that time, i was downed by 300,000. I dont even remember how i got so much money to lose…. obviously credit cards were already showing reds, money missing from the house and company…

Hey Paul, you said you lose 2 million…. but only 300,000 here.. how could you lose another 1.7million?

OH RIGHT, forgot to tell you that I WAS INTRODUCED TO LICENSED SLOT MACHINE CLUB after the local gambling den cosmic has been shut down.

So besides a few trusted friends, nobody knew i was again downed by 300,000. My family didnt know, my wife didnt know….. I NEEDED “A CHANCE” TO BURY THESE LIES, THE ONLY WAY IS TO HIT A JACKPOT

Sigh…. the history repeats itself again n again.

So one of my best friend, ERIC, brought me to a club call ATLANTIS. Greeted by well mannered hosts in suits and most important of all FREE CIGARETTES, FREE DRINKS, FREE FOOD!!!!

For the first time i felt RESPECTED AS A GAMBLER, you are served like a VIP, you can choose to gamble in your own suite. As a member, you get daily 200dollars voucher money to gamble!!! If you hit small jackpots you also get extra daily cash vouchers!!! Wow~

I told myself.. i finally came to the RIGHT PLACE to WIN BACK ALL MY LOSSES ONCE AND FOR ALL!

So, my first visit was 2017 March…. cut short the story… ERIC my best friend suicided in December 2017. I continued to gamble at the club after his death until May 2018.

Same old story like everyone, i borrowed more money….

SOLD MY PROPERTY FOR CASH , 200,000

CREDIT CARDS 50,000

PERSONAL LOAN 30,000

STOLEN COMPANY CASH 40,000

BORROW FROM AUNT 90,000

BORROW FROM BROTHER, 100,000

BORROW FROM GRANDMOTHER, 230,000

BORROW FROM SISTER, 250,000

Guys, we WERE NOT GAMBLING FOR MONEY anymore…. look at the amount that i have lost in CHASING FOR A HOPE THAT NEVER COME.

My HOPE WAS SIMPLE:

“I WANTED A NORMAL LIFE”

SO I ****ING WOKE UP AND I ADMITTED THAT I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.

I ****NG TOLD MYSELF IF YOU CANNOT HELP YOURSELF, YOU MUST SEEK HELP FROM OTHERS.

I ****ING TOLD MYSELF YOU CAN STILL, ALWAYS, “CHOOSE” TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!!!

I AM FINALLY NOW COMMITTED TO STOP ALL THESE SHIT and I am attending a Quit Gambling association weekly therapy where i am exposed to a group of community and mentors who understands how to help me.

I AM NOW IN THE ARMS OF GOD AND I HAVE FAITH THAT I WILL RECOVER MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY from the years of torment which i have brought towards myself.

I AM REBUILDING THE TRUST FROM MY WIFE & FAMILY AND I KNOW IT TAKES TIME.

THEREFORE ONLY MY PERSEVERANCE AND ATTITUDE CAN  BRING BACK THEIR TRUST FOR ME AGAIN.

I AM NOT JUST WILLING TO CHANGE.

I AM DETERMINE TO CHANGE

I AM NOT A GAMBLER 

IF YOU HAVE THE SAME STORY WITH ME,  I CAN DO IT. YOU CAN TOO!!

My First Post,

PAUL LEE
32 YEARS OLD
MALAYSIA