[Claire3]

hello all

I am sorry I disappeared but I mov to US with my children and my helper, someone I am so blessed to have in my life. The reason for that is because even my husband maki a good money, because of his debts abd lies he couldn’t afford his treatment for autis, in Singapore. I started the process for our maintenanc, but totally out of the blue he discovered how devastated he was tuning our lives in and he told he could ban himself ou of that f place and guess what? I believed in his words. But he never stopped going to gamble, he loed ti me all the time. Two weeks ago he came here to visit us and I found out that he was gambling right before take the airplane. It is a il, that can destroy everything that you have built, it is painful, it is devastating, it is the worse in the world. It is something that makes people go blind and walk away from their values, family, plans and everything. It is a stupid illness that is going to turn your world upside down, shake your life, your children’s lives – if you do not have wisdom to deal with it. It is going to destroy the most precious relationship, it is going to urge you to be strong, resilient. It just terrible. 

[marshmellow]

hello…im new here and i feel your pain.I too have a husband that gambles(drinks,and drugs too) im here looking for people in a similar situation to not feel so alone.So i get the alone feeling.So hard to stay strong and get past the deceit and lies and constant up and down of “yes i will stop” and then going straight back to it….It has destroyed our relationship.And im at the stage of trying to find clarity or a way out or both… look forward to hearing from you …

[Claire3]

hello! Thank you for writing. I am really sorry about the situation you have described and I hope I can help you, in anyway. I can only imagine what you are going through. It really sounds hard having to deal with three addictions together. But, trust yourself. I have learned so many things. One of those is that, in spit of your husband’s choices, you are responsible for ever choice you make. And it is hard. But can also bring you some kind of relief. I know how painful it is when we need to watch a lovely one going down so badly, and, at the same time have our hands so tied. We want do to something, don’t we? We feel in some way responsible. Hold on, we are talking about my spouse, someone who was supposed to be the most intimate relationship, we have told ourselves that we are going to take care of each other, in health or sickness, and now he is really sick, what am I supposed to do? And what about all the dreams we bith turn in to plans for the future? Well, forget about it. There are two different worlds. The one we wish could be the real one, and other we have so difficult to face that we prefer to believe is going to be fixed. Everybody used to tell us love is magic, powerful and can change everything. so what is it right now? The thing here is, love is powerful for sure, but it cannot change a situation related to someone that doesn’t want to change it. This is not about love, is about allowing us to bec slave to suffering. And, just in my opinion, even though we are living in a so painful situation somehow it became our “confort zone”. Leaving it is going to ask us to make a lot of changes in ou own lives. In a way that is more comfo dealing with the well known suffer than try to create a better life. The way out that we are all looking for is so personal that I really cannot give you any suggestions for that. But I invite you to try to see your life from outside. Then, honestly, answer you if this is what you want to. And teust me, the answer may not be so obvious. Just after you really have decided about your own life, you are going to be able to make any decisions. And, trust me here, it doesn’t matter which way you are going to chose, it is going to be painful for sure. So do not be afraid of it. You are going to survive. I left my husband in another country and you know something? It was the best thing I made. But for me, my children. It doesn’t mean it would work for you, as well. Bit this way it doesn’t affect me and my children so strongly. This morning he wrote me down a few things and one pf them was apologize he isn’t here to help me to fix some issues I have had with the house. I thanked him but it was just a way to keep manipulating me and showing me how much he is a good person. I agree, that is one of the reasons why I married him. But now he isn’t. And I told him that. I told him he wasn’t supposed to be here and he had nothing to apologize for, but he was supposed to send us money and give us what he promised: ban himself from that place of s. I have so many things to take care of here and I am all alone. And if he really can help me, it would be better and smarter if he stopped apologizing, put his shit together and get it done. Tonight I am going to join a meeting from gan om. I need to help myself. It was his choice to f up his life, not mine. And for nothing in this world I am going to allow him to pull me and our children to the rock bottom. He goes alone. If that is what he wants to. But I have been suffering a lot, crying, but it wouldn’t be different if I were there, waiting for a miracle. I just decided to suffer and learn how to live without him, wi his love, our plans, the life we have had for almost 18 years. I do hope I can find the light in the end of all of this crazy darkness. 

Take care, dear. 

[velvet]

Hi Marshmallow
I hope you come back to Claire’s thread, she has written you a very powerful reply.
Please start your own thread by scrolling to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ – write your post in the box; give your thread a title, scroll down to ‘save’ and click. It is great that Claire has answered you here but this is her thread and other members cannot support you on someone else’s thread.
I am sure that Claire will find your thread when you start it and you can support each other.
I look forward to seeing your thread when I too would like to give you further support.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Claire

That was a powerful reply you wrote to Marshmallow and it tells me that you are working your way towards your own recovery and doing it well.

I hope you will write again and tell us how you got on at Gam-anon. I went to Gam-anon 14 years ago and it was there I found my salvation and began my recovery.

I find your words very mature; you have realised that your husband is choosing not to face his addiction and that you do not have control over his choice. You have put yourself and your children first and made, what must have been, a very difficult move to separate yourself from his addiction. I am positive that you will find light at the end of the tunnel and come out of the crazy darkness – you have a lot of strength and you have a lot of understanding of your situation.

You did well telling him that getting himself sorted was more important than saying ‘sorry’ – words are easy, action is not.

Like you, I hope your husband will wake up and change his life but in the meantime you are carrying on living and growing and caring for your children – and that I applaud with all my heart.

Please keep posting.

Velvet

[marshmellow]

Thank you you both so much for your words.And Claire I really appreciate your taking time out of your day to write me such amazing things.Its some sort of relief to know that there are people out there that fully understand the situations that we are both going thru.Doing what you did and moving must have been the hardest decision to make.Its so hard to leave someone you want to help and care about who is unwilling to help themselves eh?? Youre a strong person for having the courage to move forward.I commend you.I love your idea of looking at mylife from the outside.My therapist suggested to take a break for a few days away form the whole situation.Which i plan on doing.He also suggested to make contacts with people in the same siutation.So that why im here…its so comforting to know that i dont need to feel overhwelmed or embarrased anymore..Velvet yes i will start my own thread!:) thank you so much for the advice and speak soon

[Claire3]

Thank you for your words. My first meeting was strange, intimidating, warm and full of love and acceptance. It is just a bit weird to open up ourselves to people we barely know and we need to keeo our anonymity. No doubt is a place where we can find acceptance and support that we are not alone.
About my husband, now I have no doubt he is a compulsive gambler and I feel proud of myself for being able to move away from his sickness and the consuming routine that his condition put us in. It wasn’t easy neither is now. It is strange that even being so obvious sometimes I still find myself dreaming about a reality that doesn’t exist anymore. And that brings me the idea that we need to let go. I needed to ask myself what I need and what I want. And after that move in a way to let go what I want in order to achieve what I need. It takes time. It is still like I am stuck in a nightmare and someone is going to wake me up. But day by day. I realize that the only person able to wake me up is myself. I know it is not about not loving us anymore, but he is blind and his first priority is not his commitment to us. And this is so harmful. At least here I have my life, I went back to studying, planning to validate my degree to finally be able to be independent from him financially. I am detaching from him each day that I have been living here and showing myself that I can make it. Even tough I know he would need someone close to him, I have decided that it won’t be me nor our children. I made a choice and that was for keep my sanity and protect my children. We are still in transition and requires some time. I am not sure if I love him as much than I used to. I have learned thatwe need ti love ourselves, respect ourselves and I probably won’t find in this relationship what I am looking for my life. To survive the pain, I found peace in being grateful for what I have now. So it is easier to make what I have enough. Give me strength to believe that I can make it. I reached a point where I don’t really care about him. Because I shouldn’t. That hurts, ut it is how I believe I will find my way out. I have to play idiot in order to avoid him totally abandoning our children and it worth it. Day by day I am resescoveringmyself, and this is amazing. I have a new life, my children are here, I have a lot to thanks to God. A lot! Including all that painful experience because at the end it is part of who I am and who I am becoming. But it is not easy. The prices it comes with includes focus, tears, fears but also a strong faith in life, God, myself and the belief that this life is amazing and a gift.

For marshmellow, it is amazing that you are seeing a psychologist. It is going to help you to see it from the outside. I will be thinking about you and please tey to keep this time with yourself to yourself. Do not think about what was before. If so, you may miss that you have beside you roght now. There is also things to be grateful for. And you are totally free to make whatever decision you want to, including staying with him. And it is possible if you need to learn to live with it without suffering. You need to recover yourself and fir that you don’t necessarily need to leave him. It is up to you. It is your life and we are here to support you in which way you decide to follow. Just do not forget that every morning, when you wake up, you are being blessed with the miracle of live. And every day you really have a chance to start changing your life and your options about how to manage whichever desicion you are going to make. Enjoy your trip, take a good care of yourself and do not forget that this life is brief and we have the righr to live it however we want to. And pain always makes us stronger. Be good to yourself.
xx

[velvet]

Hi Claire
I have read your post a few times and each time I can hear a woman who will not only survive the addiction to gamble but who will take it as a springboard towards a better life.
You are indeed in a transition and still confused about so much of what has happened but you have made a positive move to protect yourself and your children and that is great. It would be wonderful if this was the incentive your husband needed to get himself into a gamble-free life but that is, of course, only in his control.
In my opinion it is too early for you to be making final decisions about how you feel about your husband – it is understandable that you doubt your love for him at the moment but his addiction will be clouding your thinking. Give yourself time to heal. Live for today alone.
You don’t want your children’s father to abandon them and you will do your best to make sure this doesn’t happen – but – and it is a big but – if he will not behave as he should towards them, you will protect them so you will never allow his addiction to make you an idiot. You are now too aware of the danger inherent in your husband’s gambling – I believe it is when we are unaware that the addiction makes fools of us.
Keep posting
Velvet

[Claire3]

Dear, I need some help. My in laws don’t support me and they don’t believe me. My husband keeps telling me he is not addicted. Am I crazy for really believe he is? I am lost.

Huge thank you
Carla

[作者]

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