[hopelessdegenerate]

I’m a 36 year old boy. 5 years ago my world came tumbling down because I inherited some paid off property that my grandfather left for my parents and family- under my name. Little did he know, was that I would take a loan out on this property, and lose it all on an investment that completely failed. This was income producing property, that my parents lived in- and it was their retirement. To this day I don’t know what I was thinking- but yes, the property foreclosed, and it took me 18months before I could muster the courage to talk to my sisters and parents again.

You would have thought that this was my rock bottom.

Over the last 9 months-
You would have thought that my fiance leaving me ( my former best friend in the whole world)- after years of begging me to stop gambling- would be my rock bottom.
You would think that draining everything I had, and being forced to borrow $4000 from a truly good friend to pay some bills would be my rock bottom.
You would think that being forced to move in with my sister and her family, due to no place to go- would be my rock bottom.
You would think that after 5 months “of saving and going to therapy and GA” that being kicked out of my sister’s home because I relapsed a couple times would be my rock bottom.
You would think that moving in with my parents at 36 in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment would be my rock bottom.
You would think that withdrawing everything from my retirement plan to pay off bills, but instead losing it all in a couple days- would have been my rock bottom.

But you see- I just can not function in this world. I got paid today- and lost it all in a matter of hours. I’ve done everything from a bad investment- to sports gambling- to lottery and scratchers- to horses and beyond- but my real vice over the last 10 years has been the casino.

I recently claimed 9dependents on my paychecks so I can get a few hundred extra dollars every month. Over the past 4 months I have taken out $6,000 in payday loans. I have not paid any one of them a dime- and have been hoping that one day I can just settle with them. After receiving today’s check- including a car allowance that my company provides me on the 1st of every month- I lost it all. There were a few pressing bills that I had to pay with this check- but I convinced myself that I can pay a few urgent ones, and take $1000 and turn it into a fortune. So yeah- I lost that $1000 and went straight to the bank to withdraw the remainder ($1000+)- and hoped that I could get that original $1000 back. I will never stop if I am down if I have money to access. I even took out yet another payday loan, just to have a couple hundred dollars for a couple week. But yeah- it was right next to the casino and I lost that too.

So here I am at 11p, with no bills paid- and $3 in my account. I had $40 after losing everything- but of course I went to the liquor store and blew it on scratchers.

2 weeks ago I sat in my parents living room while they were visiting my sister and her kids- with a bottle of aspirin in my hands. Of course- I was in the exact same position 2weeks ago- got paid and lost every dollar within hours. Too scared to do it. Hoping God would just kill me in my sleep- or the Rapture (which I am obviously not ready for) would occur- WWIII perhaps where my city would get bombed- ANYTHING. I was hoping for any miraculous way to die. But I just couldn’t do it. These last 15days have been absolutely hell. I am a severely depressed individual.

So imagine how I feel today.. making the same mistake yet again. But each time I continue to make this mistake, my problems are getting magnified. My parents live in a retirement home. Do you know how out of place I am here- the weird looks I get? I’ve been here the last few months- the longest and worst few months of my life- and I don’t see myself leaving any time soon.

I really wish I could just die tonight in my sleep. Last month I found out I owe the IRS $5000- so I haven’t filed. Thinking I can just get that dollar amount to over $10K, and somehow settle? This is my mentality. The debt is coming from every direction- and I just keep getting deeper and deeper and deeper.

My debt is out of control. I can’t believe I haven’t suffered a stroke or heart attack yet- the stress is overwhelming. Because I lost the property, I am responsible for my parents’ bills and living expenses. After losing my last paycheck, I told them that I had to pay some pressing loans off, so I would give them their monthly amount on the 1st. How do I tell them I don’t have it again? They receive social security, have no other income, no savings- no job.. what am I going to tell them?

My friends- my family… everyone is sick of hearing about my relapses. Everyone has bailed me out on one occasion or another. I am such a failure- I am worth far more dead than alive. Why can’t I just do it?

This is the most disgusting disease in the world.
If you don’t hear from me again on this thread- I probably killed myself. The stress and shame is too much.

I miss my best friend/ ex fiance. She was THE BEST thing to EVER happen to me. It’s been 9months since we last texted. Not one phone call (my # is permanently blocked). Not one email. Not one bit of closure. But she is gone- and I will never get her back. I think about her every second of the day. I hate the person I’ve become. 5-10 years ago, I was a happy person. I was a good person. Now all I do is fantasize about robbing a bank or killing myself. My soul is dirty. I use to be God’s son. Now I can tell that He is just as disgusted with myself than I am. I can’t believe how my life turned out, and the person I have become.

I have not been able to put any focus on my job this year- I will probably be fired soon. My credit is down the drain. I’m knee deep in debt. I lost my best friend. I live with my parents.

Can anybody out there give me 1 reason to keep trying?
I am so sick of being such an addict- such a failure- such an embarrassment- such a burden.

Thank God my job gives me life insurance.
I am worth far more dead than alive.

I hate the person I have become. I am so disgusting. I wish someone will just kill me so my parents and sisters can get some life insurance money. I truly wish I was dead.

[p]

I am glad you sought help here it shows you want to have a gamble free life.. if you are feeling suicidal please phone your doctor, counsellor, hospital.. suicide is a permanent thing to termporary things going on in your life now that can change.

Gambling addiction is tough but you can have recovery by doing some simple things.. you can put things in place to stop you from gambling but you have to desperately want it too…
Ban from places you gamble at
Get your sister to help control your money
No money equals no gambling
Join gamblers anonymous
go to counselling
Reach out for hellp.. talk to people.. ask for help.
Break your day down.. just for today dont gamble
At the start of the day say just for this day i wont gamble… break it down to hours if you ahve to.. just for the next hour i wont gamble and delay those urges to go..
Check out help in your area..
Keep posting here, the good the bad and the ugly.. whatever you feel now will pass and is changeable.. it is not permanent.. when you get some time off gambling. things really clear up and you will start to see solutions
There is always rehab too if things are out of control.. there are many many ways to recovery and you can use as little or as many as you like.. for me i would say use all you can when you are in the state you are in….
Dont keep your feelings a secret.. tell people how you are feeling.. suicide is not the answer, it will ruin the lives of everyone you know for the rest of their lives..
Work through it.. get help.. you have voiced your concerns here, voice your concerns to someone there. where you are in real life, face to face.. go to a hospital and talk to them.. if you feel suicidal. Its acting impulsively that causes the destruction, put eveyrthing on hold.. wait things out.. talk to people
There are solutions.. please try to grab hold of them.. keep us updated.. this community will be here for you if you keep posting and coming for help.. hang in there.. we know what its like.. you are not alone

P

[hopelessdegenerate]

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out. I agree that everything you expressed is true- but I am so scared to even leave this bed. I have been crying and beating myself up all day. After all the times I have messed up- after everything I have put the people in my life through- this time I truly don’t know what to do. I am so scared. So upset. So depressed. I have been looking for part time work all day- but everything online is a scam. Without an additional income I can start making today- I really wish I was dead. I am so sad as I write this because it I know I am close to doing something rally stupid. But as stupid as my options are- nothing is worth living in this pain.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I spent 6hours reading posts and replies from people on here last night. You are all such good hearted- such nice, selfless people. I wish everyone on here a safe and positive recovery. For those who feel like I do- God have mercy on your souls.

[vera]

HI “HD”,
I don’t like using the title you have chosen but you can change it in time, when things become more hopeful, and with proper help and support, they will!
I know you feel as if you are teetering on the brink of total disaster right now but if you can see even a glimmer of light, I suggest you hold on to that and take every bit of support you get to move away from gambling because as you have discovered, it brings no joy.
Posting here was a huge move.
Why not pop into the Helpline for a one- to -one chat or join one of the Chat Groups in Real time?
In the early days everything seems more bleak than it actually is. Every problem has a solution! Keep posting!

[charles]

Hello HD,

I’m glad to hear that you are reading the other stories here. You will no doubt have read some made by people who have been in a situation similar to yourself. There is life after gambling I promise you.

There is always someone to talk to when you are feeling low, as P has suggested talk to the experts. Check this link out as well

Home

There is a lot of support out there.

Your family and friends have heard it all befoe? Ok then this time done give them words and promises. Give them actions. After all that has happened Im sure one of them would be delighted if you got your wages paid into their account. As you will be reading elsewhere, barriers help. What things can you put in place so that next pay day you can’t gamble easily or unaccountably?

When it comes to the debt that can be sorted. There are a lot of options around these days, from bankruptcy to repayment plans, with a lot in between.

One reason to keep trying? I could give you 100s I gambled for over 20 years and I can tell you that recovery is well worth the struggle.

Keep posting.

[Mred321]

Please remember we are all friends here no matter what you did or are going to do.We have all been where you are right now. A lot of us will offer suggestions and advice some of it you may like to listen to and some not . We will try to tell you what has helped us get better. My heart goes out to you . I dont post on here very much. But I read most of the posts and can relate to them because it hits you right in the gut and some of the things that I read about help me very much. Peace be with you my friend. We will all be praying for you.

[作者]

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