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I’ve never experienced a loved one who’s an addict. After reading all of your topics I’m hoping for some support and advice. I’m in a new relationship, my partner admitted he gambled when he was younger and he’s not since. 4 months later and he tells me he’s lost £100 and feels sick. I should have seen the signs then but as I say, I’ve never experienced this before, I had no idea how to support him. Everything was fine after that, and we’ve both been the happiest we could imagine. And then, a couple of days ago I find out he’s lied to me, he’s gambled all of his saving, and kept it from me until I found out, he said he never intended of me finding out and was going to “make it better”. He’s in debt with credit cards, lost his savings and Im devastated, the man I want to spend my life with has lied and let me down after he had such an ambition to save his hard earned money. I can see what it’s done to him. He said he doesn’t care about losing the money, it’s the thought of losing me that’s killing him. I’ve made it very clear that I will not be able to be in a relationship with him if he gambles again, for my own future and finances I can’t risk him losing what I’ve worked so hard to achieve for myself, and putting a future family at risk. Am I being too harsh? Can he change when he’s said he won’t do it again because he knows he will lose me? How can I support him? I’ve already expressed my upset, calmly and without arguing, He’s shown me his finances and I’ve worked everything out with him to the penny and month of when he can have his debts paid off, I’m just worried he’ll do it again
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Hi Girlfriend
The simple answer to the title of your thread is ‘yes he can change’. The harsh reality is that controlling the addiction to gamble takes courage and determination without any fast relief, there is no magic pill. I will hopefully help you to gain knowledge and to cope with your boyfriend’s problem, while he learns to control it.
This site and others like it, dedicated counsellors and (GA) gamblers anonymous, exist because the likelihood of compulsive gamblers quitting without the right support is almost non-existent. Many feel they can do it alone but I have yet to hear of one being successful. Abstinence alone is not enough.
Please don’t blame yourself that you didn’t see the signs – it is an addiction that thrives on secrecy and your boyfriend would not have wanted you to know. This isn’t necessarily deliberate on his part. Your boyfriend didn’t ask for or want this addiction but sadly, he has it and his poor behaviour shows how little he understands of it.
You would be unwise to believe his words when he says that ‘he won’t do it again because he knows he will lose me?’ At the time he said these words, he would have believed them, it is probably true that he would be distraught at the thought of losing you but when an addiction is triggered logic and good intentions fly out of window.
Encourage him to seek good support without forcing him – you cannot save him but he can save himself.
There is a Friends and Family group tonight and I hope you will join me so that we can communicate in real time. It is between 19.00-20.00 hours UK time (7pm-8pm). It is private and safe.
Velvet
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It never led to good consequences going back to the past…that’s a fact
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