today i gambled, i put some juice in the car (barely enough to last till pay day) and i gambled the rest which was to last me 2 weeks…i feel empty, actually i dont feel empty, i’m just empty. i know i dont want to gamble and i’m in no means feeling sorry for myself about it but the physical strength that it has on me right now is unbelievable, it’s like all those cartoons you watch when you are little ( and a little grown up too ) when there’s a dark cloud or spirit that consumes the good character making them evil but it’s not really them, it’s just the invasion of something bad.
Anyway i can imagine Geordie right now flinging his arms skywards and looking on this post in despair 😉 but i do have a more positive side to add to all this. i contacted netline tonight, it took me ages to pluck up the courage cos i didnt have a clue what my opening line was going to be but i needn’t have worried as the adviser was really calming and positive, she has referred me for counselling as she thinks thats the best place for me to start and i agree, i think i get 6-10 sessions and they fund it so i really want to make the most of that opportunity and it feels good that seeking proper help.
Geordie thanks again for taking the time to put so much into getting your message across, it may not always come across right but that may be more to do with how ready someone is to listen, i think the fact that you put so much emotion into your emails just means that you are coming from a good place and i wouldnt be looking for a place of recovery if you hadnt posted so thank you i truly hadnt made the connection between abstinence and recovery, as for your last post i really connected to a lot of that, obviously some of the gambling traits i could see in myself but also a picture of what rock bottom really looks like and it’s a place that anyone can find themselves at, while i have a roof over my head and work then it’s not rock bottom but it so easily can be, you have been through so much due to this addiction that it becomes more clear why you across so strongly in your posts.
i am going to delete a sports app off my phone in a minute so that i cant get enticed by randomly having a look to see what matches are on, i didnt think an app was a big deal but the thought of deleting it automatically brings up something that is arguing against me so i know it has to go.
tomorrow i have no money to gamble but i have things to sell so i have to be on my guard, i dont want to gamble as i want to enter into therapy sessions by already putting in some work.
up in a few hours for work (again ) i havent had a day off since the end of september so hopefully i can start replacing some of my losses.