[jenpen]

I love this forum. So much love and support. I did not know such a place existed. It makes me hopeful.

I want to share my story. I feel if I tell it, it becomes real. The last two years I have been living inside my head. Nothing is real there. Me being a gambling addict is not real. Me quitting gambling does not matter, because nothing is real.

2 years I go, when I was finishing my BA, I got chronic migraine. For a year I basically laid in bed. I had to live at my mums. My boyfriend had no job and need to move to back to his country. He’s mum almost lost her house. And so logically I started to gamble away the little money we had.

I lost myself to the online slots machines for 6 months before I manged to get the gambling under some control this summer, when I realized that I was not going to win back the growing credit card dept. At the same time life was getting better, I had less migraines, I got into a master program, I got financial study aid.

I still spend between £20 – 300 a month on gambling. Which means paying back the dept goes really slow. I never have surplus on my bank account, and now I want to so I can afford to go out sometimes with friends. I want to save up money so I can buy a house. I want to travel. And I want to live again.

I recently quit Zoloft (anti-depression meds) and things became real. I got my normal human emotions back. It turns out human emotions can also be really useful, because when I lost £200 gambling today I felt angry, sad, stressed, etc. So much so, I self excluded, downloaded blocking software and found this forum.

So this is me facing my problem, not pretending it will go away, not blaming it on shit, not letting it overwhelm me, but recognizing it is real and choosing instead to live in the real world and focusing on achieving my hopes and dreams.

[velvet]

Hello Jenpen and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Jen, well done on looking for help.

You have been reading the other stories here so you know you aren’t alone with this problem. You will aslo have seen the success stories. Well done on self excluding and getting that blocking software. What other things have you read, that you can apply to your own situation?

Does your Mum know about your gambling? or that is is a problem? She could help with other barriers, accountability.

Do you gamble anywhere else? Or just online? Stopping the £20 – £300 a month is important. Stopping any gambling is important, even small bets just keep the addiction ticking over.

Filling your gamble free time is important as well, your studies will help with that of course but find other things as well.

well done on not blaming it on shit! Shit will happen sometimes of course but we can deal with it without gambling.

Keep reading, keep posting. You will achieve your hopes and dreams and I look forward to reading about it.

Maybe see you in one of the support groups here soon as well.

[Paul2017]

you are not alone and you can make your dreams come true… well done for acknowledging your a CG… we have the hardest task I think, out of all addictions but you can change, we can change… I am new too but want to tell you that you are not alone – the groups Charles talks about are really good – I try to get on one regularly than thinking about gambling – the people here know what it feels like!

your not alone…

Paul2017

[jenpen]

It’s wired how it sometimes feels like I’am alone even though I know I’am not. It’s like waking up scared from a nightmare and not being able to shake off the bad feeling, despite knowing it was just a dream. Sometimes it just feels like I’am the only human who ever screwed up, and if I told people, nobody would understand how I could be so stupid and society would turn into a monster and swallow me.
Thanks for your post Paul. It’s a bit easier now to shake of the scary feelings 🙂

[jenpen]

Thanks for your support.
I have not gambled since I last wrote the 17th, by telling myself I will not gamble today. I read that advise on this forum and I found it very helpful. If I promise myself, I will never gamble, the prospects of keeping the promise seems so daunting that I don’t even try. But I can keep the promise of staying away from gambling today and tomorrow.

Can’t tell my mum, it’s a long story, but I think it would be counterproductive telling her.
I only gamble online, so luckily it is relatively easy to stop it – thanks to blocking software.

I think next step for me is to find a hobby, something relaxing, that I can do even when I have migraines.

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