[crackle86]

This is the beginning of my recovery.

I’ve said this many times before, but I don’t think I’ve ever written it down and documented my feelings.

I need this for myself, and hopefully it will help others.

Today is day 1 (again). I get paid tomorrow and blew the small amount I had put aside in my account. Now I’m back to 0. It’s a common theme – I get paid and then look at my budget. I see the small amount of spending money/savings that I have to allocate. Today I thought to myself – if I can just win $20, $50, maybe $100, I can put that towards the savings for next fortnight. This excuse to myself has been a common theme for the past year or so. In this past year, the majority of it I’ve been gamble free, but I’ve had 5 or 6 groups of either a day, or a week of betting. One of these I even went on a winning run and then stopped. But of course, I went back – thinking I could keep going and had some spare money.

Right now, I feel disappointed and defeated. I left after losing feeling sick. It’s the same feeling every time. I started swearing at myself in the car and became very angry at myself. I need the reminder of how I feel in this moment, so I can work on never feeling like this again.

After thinking about it, i feel more calm and have a plan for my finances. It’ll take a while to fix up my messes, which is the common problem. I can do this; I know I can.

I will use this diary as much as I can, and in the coming entries explain my past and how I got to this point.

[crackle86]

In the last hour or so, I’ve started to think about gambling, so instead I decided to write here. It’s the same thoughts again – just win a little bit and give myself a bit of extra money for the fortnight. I know that’s wrong so I’m not going to do it. I’ve mapped out the fortnight and will stick to it.

Yesterday I made a map of finances for the year. If I hit all of the goals, I will finally have some extra money and can work on paying off loans along the way. They won’t all be paid off or anything, but I’ll at least be ahead. This fortnight doesn’t have a specific goal, because I just need to make it through with the money I have. The goals start next fortnight.

I am a compulsive sports and racing gambler. It all got out of control early on when I was 18 and discovered online gambling. 15 years later and it still rears its ugly head. Horse/trot/dog racing is definitely appealing to me because of how instant it is to win. You also don’t need to wait long for the next race. I just punt on anything and everything in order to keep the adrenaline and ‘winning’ feeling going. Of course more often than not, it’s a losing feeling.

Over and out for today – I won’t be losing to the monster.

[dilano12]

Reading your post, I could have written exactly the same share about me. I have the same thoughts. I plan to post every day here from now on.

I am in a constant struggle but I can do this too!

[crackle86]

Hi dilano! We can do this! I think writing about it haha I’ll be really helpful. Let’s beat this together! I’m hoping that seeing the documented progress of my feelings and journey will make me realise how I don’t ever want to be back here again.

[i-did-it]

Hi Crackle

Well done on joining the site and seeking help. In my first days of recovery, when the urges where strong , I went to the Gamcare one to one chat and talked through the urges with the staff there – as far as I know it is 24 hour support. I also came into the one to one support on this site.
Gamcare can provide free counselling if you are in the U.K, so it’s defintely worth checking out .

The groups here are really good and there is a new members group on tonight – you will get lots of advice on stopping there.

A great bit of advice I got from a member on here is that “relapses are not inevitable” .
We need to do all the things which make it next to impossible to relapse and our reward it watching our lives improve in so many way s- financially , mentally , our relationships., our work life … just about everything .

Keep strong and keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be free of this compulsion to gamble .

[crackle86]

Thanks for the kind words of advice! I don’t live in the UK, but definitely lots to consider 🙂

[crackle86]

Well it’s day 3 and going strong. I’ve thought about gambling a couple of times today, but distracted myself and forgot about it. I’ve also worked out a lot in the last couple of days which is helping.

I’m going to be pretty busy this weekend, so hopefully I won’t even get any urges. I know this is around the time that I’ll start to get nightmares as the ‘detox’ kicks in – either gambling or otherwise, so I have to be prepared for those.

[crackles86]

So I didn’t post over the weekend because I was pretty busy. It was great because I barely even thought about punting. It’s so nice not worrying about where the next bet is coming from!

Today might be a bit of a challenge because I’m at home. I will keep myself busy as best as I can.

I’ve been having pretty brutal nightmares. Last night was particularly bad – not necessarily about gambling yet. It’s always a relief to know when you wake up that you’re safe (and gamble-free) – what a feeling!

[crackles86]

Feeling great today! I’m positive and looking forward to the day. Let’s get it!!

[i-did-it]

Well done Crackle
That’s a week achieved.
The urges will become less and your brain will learn to accept no to gambling as you progress on your journey.

Keep reminding yourself that relapses are not inevitable.
Onwards and upwards

[Seanraj4731]

Keep that positive energy man you are going places doing great. 

Keep it up.

Rewire your mind with positive thoughts .

look forward to your progress.

[crackles86]

Thanks everyone! Not much to say again apart from feeling positive! Another busy day ahead. Let’s get it! I’ll write more on the weekend 🙂

[Seanraj4731]

Keeping positive with all the right words you want to hear and apply to your daily life. Let love live through your life as you grow more positive.

Do have very awesome day.

[crackles86]

Haven’t posted in a bit.. I tried to a few days ago but something went wrong on the site. Nevertheless, 19 days gamble free! Thursday marked the first pay cycle since relapsing that I didn’t spend any money on gambling, and met all of my money targets.

This cycle marks my first actual savings goal, where I have to hit my target of bills and savings in the right accounts. Hopefully I can meet this and start to get back on track with finances! Feeling great!

[Yazar]

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