[Gino]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time signing up for a gambling support forum and I need help, everything started spiralling out of control April 13th of this year. My gambling is destroying my life and its akll my fault.

I’m in the armed forces and spent the start of the year until the end of March doing a demanding military course, unfortunately I failed in the last week and faced the possiblity of being released. Upon telling my “girlfriend” who I was very much in love with, she broke it off with me.

I was absolutely devastated, I felt I had everything and all at once I lost it all. I thought this was the worst thing that ever happened to me but I was wrong. I had been
gambling for about six months prior, nothing to be concerned about, 100$/200$ here and there and I had control. Looking back there were warning signs, during the stressful
part of my course I would win money playing BJ but always end up with nothing because I couldnt quit while I was ahead.

After my girl broke my heart I went to the casino in Gan ON and turned 200 into 1000 playing BJ, but you guessed it I ended up playing until 0. This is when my life changed forever, I went home angry and frustrated. I immediately created an online account through 888, I couldn’t control myself and in the matter of two hours I blew 10k (hurts so much), although a couple times I was up 6-7-8k throughout. I called my mother crying, then my ex randomly shows up at my door and I couldnt answer it. It was the worst most soul crushing feeling in my entire life, I have always been so good with money and I can’t believe this happened.

The next week I started working a new job and things looked good for me to be transfered to another military occupation, one that was better suited to me, it felt good. I started “hooking” up with my ex just for the month of Apr as she was going home for the summer and didn’t want to continue a relationship. This wasn’t ideal, I wanted to be with her so bad and hooking up looking back on it actually made me feel worse. All I could think about all day, all night was the 10k I lost. I went from being a confident, driven, funny guy to a zombie. I’m now waiting to transfer to another job in the armyand I can’t be the best leader I can be because I was so preoccupied. I’m sure you know where this is going, on May 3rd I tried to win it back with a mix of live and electronic blackjack and I did, I reached nearly 10k but I couldnt stop and I lost it all. I told myself I would never ever gamble again, I started going to GA and even swallowed my pride and spoke to someone at mental health at the military hospital. I just couldn’t let it go, it was all I thought about, nothing else interested me in anymore and I should have started taking an anti depressant like the doc recommended and I
should have listened to my ex and STOPPED gambling. I would go a week, then somehow completely justify it to myself and gamble again, each time it getting much worse… I last gambled 31 May 17 and lost 4500 in a lunch break, for a grand total of 32k since Apr 13, WTF is wrong with me.

I dont spend money unless I travel and had so much money saved. Since then I asked my mother to pay my bills, I feel like this would never happen in a Casino but online sucked me in. I am now an empty shell of a person, my ex went home for the summer and won’t talk to me and now that I saw the doctor ref mental health it might result in me not getting the new job.

Gambling, I feel has robbed me off my life. I NEVER WANT TO GAMBLE again, I’m trying so hard. I started anti depressants yesterday because I havent been able to get out of bed. I feel like I have always had a problem with depression/alcohol, similar to my mother. I just wish that I never crossed the gambling line, I could have had my new job and met a girl better for me.
Now I have no desire to meet her girls as I hate myself, the anti depressant pills may cause side effects so now Im worried about that.

My life would have been great if this hadn’t happened. Now I’m hanging on by a thread at work and it kills me that I can’t be the officer that I know I can be, because this is killing me.
I’m on day 5, if I could do this much damage in 6 weeks and blow half my life savings whats next? That’s what Im scared off, I’ve lost my sense of who I am and Ive broken my mothers heart. She has struggled with addiciton in the past and she has been very supportive. Ive told a few close friends and they’ve seemed to drift away….. If I never gamble again I should be ok but I think about the 32k I lost every waking minute and I look at the ceiling all night hating myself. Now I have to go to GA tomorrow and tell them what happened, why couldnt I have just accepted my 10k,20k loss? It’s so much money and I wanted to travel this summer. Any chance of getting back with my ex is gone as she has now lost respect for me and thinks Im weak.

Thank you for reading

Gene

[finding_laura]

Dear Gino. It breaks my heart reading your story. I have read it many times and I have lived it. The only thing worse than dealing with this addiction is trying to deal with it alone. Having those you thought were friends and a partner drift away is hurtful. I know this may be hard to believe right now but even though you have broken your mother’s heart there can come a day where you make her prouder than ever. Right now you need to get support. GA can be a good place to get that. The army seems to be one place where they still hold your mental health against you. Awful. Any way you can access a doctor privately away from the military? You should have a right to confidential support. This can be dealt with. The first thing I would say to you is to stop the financial bleeding. You will continue to do more of the same and it can get worse. You can take on debts as well. And it continues to spiral from there. If you have any savings left at all can you entrust them to someone? I know that is hard seeing as not many have given you reason to trust 🙁 Move it to a savings account where you have to go in to a bank to get it out. Maybe add your mom’s name to that account so that two of you have to go together. Putting barriers in place helped me gain my sanity while I dealt with the mess I made and the mess that was me. I have to head off to an appointment but wanted to say you are not alone in this. Talk with someone on the help line here. They are great to talk to when dealing with the intense feelings. Welcome to the forum. Please be kind to yourself. Laura

[Gino]

Hi

[Monica1]

As Laura says welcome to the forum. Gambling addiction is an emotional illness as you will find out when you go to GA. it gets us when we have gone through difficult emotional situations like emotional loss of some sort, or maybe more than one loss in a short space of time where we escape through gambling, I have to say that you deserve better than your girlfriend. Being ten months clear now of gambling I can say that the depression will eventually go but you have to stop bleeding any more money or chase losses. When we cross the line into compulsive gambling we will never win, each win is a loss as it all goes back. There are many people who have come back from much bigger losses and it is not the end of the world. We can re over and live a better and more wiser, happier life. Good luck and keep posting. Ps, try and get private mental health support as Laura suggests.

[Gino]

I appreciate the comments from you guys, prior to this gambling had never been an issue and your right Permalink it got me when I was at my most desperate. I’m on day 7 now and in the past I told myself that I would stop but I didn’t put blocks in place and went a week or so then maxed out my CC again adding up the total of losses.

The toughest part now is not being able to sleep or work at my full potential because I can’t stop thinking about the money I lost. I thought it was bad at 10k but now over 30k it’s worse, I can’t imagine how I would feel if it kept snow balling.

My mother is paying my bills online now (internet, electric, phone) and there isn’t a way for me to gamble and throw more money away. I’m really looking forward to the time I can start to enjoy life again and get back to my old self.

I did enjoy gambling, but not how its made me feel the last couple months since things went out of control.

I’ll keep posting, I appreciate the kind words.

[charles]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Gino,

You are already getting great advice here. Keep your barriers in place, keep posting and gettign to your meetings.

[finding_laura]

Another member here, Johnny with all the numbers I do believe, mentioned thinking of it like a bad accident. Where it costs you money and your are just glad you got out with your life. I think of it as an expensive lesson. I was in total shock when I hit my financial rock bottom. Had mortgaged my home to the maximum, had several large high interest loans that would take years and years to pay off, and maxed out credit cards. Winter was coming and I had no heating fuel and we were barely feeding ourselves. And I had been hiding the whole mess from my partner. I was suicidal. You wonder how you got there.

How did I forget the money?  It took a lot of effort but I knew it wasn’t coming back. And I could either find things to enjoy in each day or I could go crazy. It is so hard to let go but you have to or it will drive you there too. We get there chasing our losses and thinking somehow we will win and if we do we will stop and hold on to it. A pipe dream for a compulsive gambler. Breath. You will be ok. Keep working on it. Laura

[Gino]

I’ve made things worse and I’m at the point now where I feel there is no turning back. I gambled again, getting around the blocker all the while telling myself I could win it back. I did this with my family surrounding me for Christ sakes. I will never be rid of this and all I want to do now is kill myself, I am in a major depression and can’t do anything, sleep, work, take care of myself.
I would estimate that throughout my life I have probably lost 50k, 40k of that alone in the last 3 months.
I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn’t make it any easier. My mental and physical health is declining and I know that life is no longer worth living as I can’t live with myself and shame in that my friends, family, and even co workers know about my serious problem.
I’m not the same person anymore and no one wants to be around me which I can’t blame. I can’t go on another day living like this, the pain is unbearable.
I feel like ending my life is selfish but I hope my family will understand, I’m a burden to everyone and anything around me right now.
I’m chronically anxious and looking back it’s hitting me hard the exact extent to what I have done.
It’s impossible to work knowing I’ve blown over a years salary playing a rigged blackjack casino game. It didn’t matter how much I was “UP” I would just keep playing until I had nothing and couldn’t get anymore money.
This may be my last time posting if I have the courage to take that final step and end it.

[i-did-it]

Hi Gene
Many of us on here have had thoughts like that at some point .
Many of us have had as big or bigger losses.
All of us are delighted be still here living life !

Many of us took more that one attempt to get to where we Are today . It’s hard to stop gambling – it’s hard to accept the losses. I

But when we do we can enter a sensible repayment plan and start living our great new life .
Reach out to whoever you need to – you family would rather help you with anything than lose you .

The person who has not made a mistake they are ashamed of does not exist .

Learn from this – move forward with your life and please don’t do this to your family .
You are such an important part of their lives – and doing something silly will change that to becoming one of the biggest sadnesses of the rest of their lives . They will never recover !

You in the other hand can recover from gambling addiction.
You can retake control over your life .

Go get a good sleep and see how you feel in the morning.

I would appreciate a reply Gene .

[Gino]

I woke up feeling the same as I’ve felt since this has all began. A complete useless fool, every day is a struggle just to get to the end so I can crawl into my bed and wait until the next day of work.
I use to love my job but now I don’t like anything and it’s made me a selfish, angry, bitter, and impatient person. And I know there is no one to blame but myself.
A small voice in my head comes out when I drink wanting to die but now its constant after I’ve wasted my savings in such a stupid way.
I can’t think or focus all I think about day and night is what a fool I am. I’m 28 years old, it’s summer, I (was) a good looking guy but I feel like my body is slowly shutting down. My life will never be the same and I can’t handle another 20 years feeling this way, underperforming in every aspect of my life and having no joy or happiness.
I can’t believe this is how my story is going to end, I HAD EVERYTHING and threw it all a way.
It’s not just the money, I had money, it’s my confidence and self respect and who I was as a person.
Now all those close to me know about my problem and I can’t handle to know what they must think.
This was the worst mistake of my life it has ruined everything that I use to enjoy.

[i-did-it]

Gene. Read the post Harry wrote earlier

just popped back to day the post is gone.

 he described living in a tent and being hungry 

 he just paid his last debt.

life can turn around -life can be great again.

ur looks do not disappear that quickly .

u need to make some right choices to get you back on track

u can do this . 

[i-did-it]

How Gino
Just popped by to see if things are looking any better ?
You can do this – you know u can !

[Gino]

Nothing looks better, can’t stop gambling and wasting my money. I’m trying to research painless ways to go like a suicide bag (w/ heilium because I don’t want to make a mess.
I’ve been considering this for weeks and haven’t had a good day in months.
I know it’s going to hurt those who care about me but I can’t live like this anymore. I just hope it is successful and I don’t screw it up.
I appreciate everyone’s advice and kind words but this is a life im willing and ready to leave behind.

[finding_laura]

Dear Gino, I know you may not believe this but how you feel right now can change. Please please call a family member and have them take you to the hospital. You need to have help. Now. You are in an extremely vulnerable and sensitive state. Your family would want you to call them. You are not a burden. This can get better. 9 years ago I thought about it every day. Ending my life because I was useless and more than useless I was damaging. I thought that was the only worth I had to my family. But that is not rational thinking. You have been basically ending your life with gambling. Going down a dark path. I reached out to family and for medical help. It was not easy but things slowly started to turn around. I wouldn’t have missed a thing this past 9 years. I am happy to be alive. To be here with my children and family. The gambling and depression and other things are all intertwined. But you can get better. Please, go to the hospital. Tell them what you have been thinking. Your health and sanity are worth more than any job or what anyone thinks. This is a mental health issue. If you had a broken leg there would be concern. I’d rather have a broken leg!!!! You understand what I mean. Be brave. Get help. Please.

[i-did-it]

Gino I agree with Laura –
The gambling and suicidal feelings are intertwined .
Every relapse I felt the same .

Please answer this question- what have u to lose by seeking help? Everybody needs help sometime.

Your family need you – you may find it difficult to see that right now .
Please reach out – ring the samaritians or befrienders.

Don’t let pride stand in the way of seeking help .

Who is in your family ?

I have looked up some links for you

Home

https://www.samaritans.org/

There is also a helpline on this site .

No harm in giving it a go .

What do you think ?

[kathryn]

I can only echo what everyone else has said to you.
You need professional help at this stage.
Please reach out to someone, family, friend, doctor, anyone!
Our secrets keep us sick.
It is possible to live without gambling. I know it seems impossible right now, but please don’t go another day without sharing with someone.
You say this is a life you are willing and ready to leave behind. You can!!! It can be done. Nope, it is certainly not easy, but its worth it. YOU are worth it.
Love K xxx

[Gino]

Hi Everyone, Since I wrote this initial post I did increase the damage, I literally keep thinking I can keep winning the money back. I’ve been having crazy mood swings, I think this is why I keep relapsing. I’m not able to forgive myself and whenever I gamble I gamble large and play until there is nothing left. In 90 days Ive run through 40k, absolutely wild. There is no way I can gamble responsibly, I have finally accepted this. I live in a beautiful city (Kingston), Im young, with a good job, and I’ve had no problem finding “company” in the past. The money is one thing, but gambling has literally taken away everything good in my life. It’s to the point where I can’t enjoy anything at all, it’s a miserable existence, no energy or desire to do anything. I swallowed my pride and asked the military if they could send me to rehab, so that will be happening for two months beginning next week, I also have a problem with booze. After a GA meeting today I feel like I finally got it, and gambling is done for me….for good. I’m hopeful when I get out at the end of the summer I will have better coping mechanisms and can resume my career. I know I’ve been very emotional on the forum but I have been in a whirlwind of emotions and it’s brutal. Yesterday I was speaking to my counsellor and I realized how warped my brain has become as a result of this addiction. He said, “You should be happy, you haven’t blown everything, you still have 100k in the bank, more than most soldiers your age”. I replied with, “That only makes it worse considering what I’ve lost”. I’m not sure if it’s the gambling, the years of drinking, or the depression from gambling but his comment pissed me off. Another part of my problem is that up until Apr I have been great with money, not buying much and saving everything…. I think this might have had an impact on how I exploded with the online gambling. I’ve been very open with my family and friends, maybe alittle to much. My poor mother, I just call her and freak out on a regular basis and that’s added to my guilt and shame. How long did you guys find until you were actually able to get a good nights sleep? The worst part about this whole thing, IMO, is that I haven’t behaved as a military officer should. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve my life or my job, everything was great up until a few months ago. It’s wild how you can have a loving partner, approaching a career milestone, and money to do whatever you like and 100 days later you just lay in bed all day wanting to die (I even bought a helium tank on the weekend….). I know I’ve always had something wrong with me over the years, I just wish it didn’t turn about to be this addiction that wastes money and makes you sick constantly. I guess the best case scenario is starting the fall a couple of months “clean” with a better way of thinking. This may be a bit personal, but I’ve noticed since this all began my libido has completely crashed, I believe this is a result of the major depression I am in. Is this common for compulsive gamblers? Will I ever get back to the way that I felt before? Happy, confident, driven, sense of humour?

[finding_laura]

Hey Gino,

Deep depression can take away everything joyful and makes an evil bed fellow with addiction. I’m no saying there is any good addiction to have, I’m sure there really isn’t, but gambling addiction is terrible because we can go through money so fast and it can be easier to hide. We also feel intense shame because people feel we should be able to control it. Just don’t do it. But we know and now there is proof that it is addictive, we are just making our own drugs in our brain in the form of chemicals that release when we bet and win etc. You also talk of alcohol issues which I’m sure just makes it all feel worse. And boy you said it when you talk about warped or distorted thinking. I would spend hours figure out ways to buy everything on the cheap and then blow it all in a slot machine in seconds or minutes. We think we are the normal ones and everyone else has the problem. But when we really step back and have a look as you did we can see how crazy it is where this is taking us.
I can’t promise you that you will be exactly the same person you were before you started gambling. But I think you can be all of those things. I also think that we often come out a better person than we were going in. And having an understanding of these types of problems will likely make you a better officer in the end. Very proud of you asking for rehab. You can do this. My GA group would often say, give us 90 days of meetings and if after that you don’t think it made a difference you can have your old life back any time. Take care Gino. Well done.
Laura

[Gino]

Hi Everyone,

It looks like I’m going to rehab for gambling in an attempt to kick this once and for all.
I am struggling constantly of the what if’s and how much better my life would have been just three months ago if I didn’t use gambling to self medicate when I was upset from my situation.
Since I knew I had a gambling problem in April after spiralling out online the time has just flown by and I’ve honestly done nothing since due to the depression.
All the missed opportunities and chances to excel in my job are all overlooked now because of the depression.
And now I smoke, which I never use to do before. I also can’t remember, sleep, or concentrate on the most basics of tasks.
It’s a beautiful day outside but I don’t feel emotions anymore I just stay flat. Everyone knows about my problem and the friends I thought I had have since drifted by the wayside.
I hate that I did this to myself and that I’m relegated to being a walking zombie for the rest of my life, which I really hope isn’t to long to be honest.
If things don’t get any better after rehab I’m really out of options and want to make an exit bag. I didn’t lose the time to gambling, because you can lose so much so quickly online. But I’ve lost it to the depression that makes doing anything impossible…eating right, working out, were all things that I did before I gambled online.
It’s just a horrible existence and I wish I never gambled in the first place.
What I really hate is how it’s destroyed my confidence and self esteem, whereabouts beforehand I never had trouble finding a nice girl to spend time with, now I have no interest in that and I’ll be turning 30 soon with a shattered life.
What’s the point in living if there is no happiness or joy…why didn’t I learn my lesson after maxing out my CC the first time.
As you can probably tell my writing and structure is horrible, likely because now I don’t care about anything….
I just keep feeling what’s the point of it all….

[Monica1]

The depression in early recovery is common and it will pass, along with any mood swings. You are young, you can fully recover yourself and your life. Rehab will help you. I have completed the gma women’s programme and it did help a lot. Exploring the reasons as to why we gambled and being able to surrender ourselves to our higher power also helps. In recovery I was destitute and depressed for a long period of time. Gradually over time things changed and they will for you too, either quickly or over time. Not gambling will enable recovery to happen which ends the hopelessness and brings new life and new hope. This will happen for you too.

[finding_laura]

Hi Gino, I’m hoping you have now started your rehab. This addiction makes us feel so hopeless. I’m hoping that through the rehab program that you too find HOPE again for your future. You have so much life left to live. So much beauty yet to behold. Let us know how you make out whenever you can. I’ll be praying for you Gino! May you walk out of the shadows and into the sunlight. Take care, Laura

[Gino]

Good Morning Everyone, I wanted to give an update since I recently got out of rehab for gambling addiction. I first posted in Jun and continued to have slips until I went to rehab this past Jul at a facility in Toronto. Even after first posting here and going to GA (for a couple months at that point) I still gambled and my depression got worse and worse, as identified above. Since I realized I had a problem I have lost 40k since April and gambled online a week up until I went to rehab. I was completely hopeless and thought about suicide frequently…even going as far as making a suicide bag but failing because I didn’t get a big enough helium tank.

Anyways, I’m glad I failed, and I’m glad I got helped before I blew the rest of my savings and took on debt. The first three weeks at rehab were tough but I had several one on one sessions focusing on my views on money and why I was doing what I was doing. I may never know all of the reason why I gambled but I know a large part of it was that I was hoarding money and not spending anything on myself besides gambling (I’m excited to buy some new clothes and furniture this weekend and am becoming more balanced). I met people at the rehab who had stories like mine but had gone longer and caused more damage overall. There were three times over the six weeks I had an uncontrollable urge to gamble, and before rehab this kept me in the loop of gambling and depression. I thought it would be a good idea to watch the movie “21” and see how I reacted. It made me so excited and I was convinced if I counted cards and only played black jack at land casinos and not online I would make my money back…luckily I wasn’t able to gamble. The last couple of days before I left I had a lot of anxiety but it’s been two weeks on the “outside” and I haven’t gambled (online black jack was my thing) but I’m not letting my guard down. Been triggered a couple times, but knowing what I know now it’s been easier. I feel what has helped me the most has been getting my depression under control and actually taking meds, when I was depressed I thought losing 10k was the end of the world….but I just couldn’t get over it and it made the gambling worse and worse. I know bad things will happen in the future but I know I won’t use gambling to cope with them. I have been “clean” since 5 Jul 18 and I’m so happy that I’m not thinking about gambling, guilt and shame 24/7. It’s still there a bit the whole thing still sucks but it’s not crippling me anymore. I’m actually interested in things I enjoyed before and also have a new lady friend to hang out with who knows I’m in recovery from gambling and doesn’t seem to mind.

I highly recommend Bellwood in Toronto for anyone who is having trouble beating this and their current action plan hasn’t been working. From my understanding they are the only inpatient rehab in Canada that has a specific gambling program, others lump you in with alcohol/drug addiction (any rehab is good but I wouldn’t have gotten as nearly as much out of it if it wasn’t focused on gambling). They do stress total abstinence and as we know drinking goes with gambling, I would like to drink again but I’m scared what will happen if I do, and I’m not sure how that will play out. Now I know life can get worse and there’s still a lot left I can lose so that should hopefully keep me on the straight and narrow, I do not ever plan on gambling ever again. Thank you for reading… Eugene

[charles]

Hi Gino,

Thanks for the update and well done on your progress.

I always look on rehab as a great “kick start” to recovery. I would also recommend using ongoing support to help you maintain recovery. Whether that is here, GA, elsewhere or a combination of those.

Again, well done on your progress.

[Yazar]

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