Hi Panterix

Your post must have been very hard to write and I admire you for having the strength to put your story together so well.

You were not stupid when you helped him clear his debts; you were trying to do the right thing to save your lives together. Sadly, when it comes to the addiction to gamble most loved ones do the wrong things for all the right reasons but with no instruction manual, their actions are beyond blame.

It is you and your health that concerns me most. Not recognising yourself is a terrible state to be in and I hope that between us we can find a way for you to find yourself again.

I am sorry that you feel that his parents are not able to see their son’s behaviour for what it is, maybe they do see it and choose to ignore it. Do you have family to support you?

I will never suggest that you stay with, or leave, your husband, whatever you ultimately decide to do will be your decision and all decisions are best made with knowledge. I know that threatening him will have little or no effect unless you are prepared to carry the threat through.

Your husband is choosing to ignore the tools he has been offered by GA and AA which suggests that he has not hurt himself enough yet – sadly though he is hurting you too much which is unacceptable. You are doing all the worrying, chasing around trying to find support while he carries on gambling. He appears to have paid lip-service to those who are willing to support him. How old is he Pan?

Do you have a Gam-Anon group near you, I feel you need physical, as well as online support while you regain your strength? We have a terrific Helpline here which you can contact, as well as F&F groups, where I would be delighted to welcome you and we can communicate in real time. I want you to know that you are being listened to and that you are understood. I also want you to know that I have been in your shoes and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.

I’m going to leave this reply here and get it posted so that you know you are being heard.

Velvet

Hello again Panterix

I don’t know if this helps but I am in the UK so possibly not so far from you as you thought.

The addiction to gamble is depressive, the owner of the addiction is destined to always lose and therefore feel failure, it is a roller-coaster and it will not stop until it is accepted and action is taken.

He might want to feel more normal, but he is not abnormal and he is far from being alone with his worries. The future need not look black.
He is pouring these sad thoughts into you head which isn’t helping you or him – would he be willing to come on this site and open his heart to those who can support him and understand him but who will not carry the burden of his pain, as you are doing.

He can change Pan but it is so important that you do not lose yourself. Do you have friends to talk about different things with, or hobbies and interests that you enjoy? Any time spend not worrying about gambling is good for your soul. Never lose sight of how unique and important you are.

Tomorrow evening’s group is at 19.00-20.00 hours UK time, I would love to ‘meet’ you there.

You are not alone

Velvet

Hi Pan

To divorce or not to divorce is a massive question.

I hope you will keep posting as you weigh up your options and I hope it will help you to know that someone, who understands, is listening.

I hear you when you say that your husband has betrayed everything but as I said before, your husband can change but it is down to him – nobody can make him.

If we were sitting side-by-side Pan or in a quiet F&F group, I would ask you if you still loved him. It is another big question and one you may not want to answer online but I think it is important to ask yourself the question because divorce is so final and I know that many people avoid asking themselves the question. It is possible to love your husband but hate his addiction which makes it hard to walk away but sometimes – yes – it is necessary.

Whatever you decide to do, I will understand.

As Ever

Velvet

• Bu yanıt 4 yıl 6 ay önce önce velvet tarafından değiştirildi.

Dear Panterix

It takes years, I think, to see the cycle unfold while in the meantime life just feels like a confusing recurring nightmare that makes no sense. You were aware that there were cycles and I hope now that you can spot them you can use the knowledge to help you cope.

I am sorry to say that if you break your cycle it does not mean your husband will automatically break out of his. You are not responsible for his gambling; gambling is his choice and the ability to stop lies with him.

Looking after yourself first will help you and your daughter cope but unless your husband accepts his problem and actively seeks to stop gambling, his cycle will continue and sadly probably get worse.

Your husband should never give up Pan. He has reached an excellent age to say enough is enough; there is a lot of wreckage behind him but a lot of life ahead, that could be wonderful, if he is prepared to take a leap of faith. We have terrific facilities for gamblers like your husband; we have ‘gambler only’ groups, facilitated by Charles where your husband would be welcomed and understood if he chose to join. If his first language is not English, let me know.

I know he has tried GA and AA before but maybe he hasn’t found the path that is right for him yet. I believe it only takes finding the right person or organisation to find a gamble-free life. Maye you could get him to look at https://gamblersinrecovery.com/ or Virtual Meetings on the Gamblers Anonymous website. He has nothing to lose by trying different ways to recovery but everything to gain, he should never give up.

As a moderator for F&F in Gambling Therapy, Pan, my first concern is for you but I also know that if you are ok then you are doing the best thing for your husband If however you are not doing ok then I will always be here for you and I will walk with you but I cannot tell you what to do, I hope you will understand this.

I will close here and wait for your reply

Es Ever

Velvet

Hi Pan

You are not encouraging his cycle. I believe that family and friends have to seek their own recovery just as they want the gambler to do – we can only save ourselves and each individual has to remove themselves from the cycle by determining to do something different.

I am sure the AA and GA meetings would have penetrated your husband’s mind to some depth but it seems that he doesn’t want to listen. He ‘may’ have no desire to stop gambling, thinking wrongly, that he will do it in his own time and when he is ready. It is only when you can recognise the cycle that you can see that this attitude will only lead to more misery.

Drinking lowers resistance and often a gambler must look at both behaviours in order to achieve a gamble-free life, however, many gamblers can have a drink without it leading to a relapse in gambling. It is the excessiveness that is the problem.

Your husband choosing to quit all his support network, is indeed very worrying and it is therefore even more important that you look after you and your daughter first and foremost. I am reasonable sure your husband will blame you but please take no blame, it is unnecessary and will not help you. You are not to blame. Nothing you have done or said makes him gamble.

I think I am maybe seeing a sad hope in your daughter no longer calling for her daddy as much. It often befalls one parent these days to be the role model and I believe that your daughter has an excellent role model in her mother. Hopefully one day, your husband will be able to be a suitable role model too.

Keep posting and I will keep looking out for you

Velvet

Hi Pan

I would love an update.

As Ever

Velvet

Dear Pan

I am so sorry we were cut off tonight, the hour went far too quickly. I really care and hope you will keep me updated on your choice, I know it is not easy.

You sound so self-aware and I admire the stand you are taking

As Ever

Velvet