Hi, I am glad to be here and writing this story for all to read..I have been gambling off and on for the past 12 years and have finally admitted I have a problem..Like most I started out slow and with little money and over the years it went way up, for sure.  I can not do this anymore and don’t even have fun doing it.  I want to pay my bills and have a normal life, you know like actually seeing something for my money.  I lost my best friend on New Years Eve in 2008, and felt lost for sure and gambles lots, to not think about him and pretended he was there somewhere.  Well that did not last and my grief overcame me in lots of way.  By the way this best friend was also my husband.  He was well just wonderful in so many ways and loving him was an honor.  My son is the only one who knows about this issue other than my therapist for gambling..I did really well x1month and fell and went gambling but now I really know I cant.  I thought I could control it now and of course that was my first mistake.  I understand allot about the brain chemistry and how all that works as I am a medical professional  myself.  Thats why I cant spell.  Just a joke, but true.  But the physiological part is terrible. I will tell myself anything and head out and I know its wrong.  I know you understand because your here, with me, right?  I need to talk with people who have been there and back and perhaps I can help someone along the journey.   I spend money I do not have and play caught up constantly and I hate it or is this part of my destructive plan to always struggle and fix things as I go?  I don’t know but exploring all avenues is best and then I can analyze it all.  I have always been the one to fix it you see and now my darling is not here and I have no one to really talk to who know me so well, its so hard.  I suppose all good things are hard to come by and so much harder to hold onto.  This story is helping me now, I hope I can be strong and more positive about the future but I went back and feel awful and that I let myself down so far.  I work alot and yet still find the time to go there and I dont want to anymore.  My family has suffered because the time I should have been with them was wasted on gambling.  Now I want to spend time with them more than ever because life is so short and I know this.  I dont want to lie about my trips to the casino and always be broke to do things for my family and grand kids.  I feel tearful about it and ashamed about it.  I am tired of this broken me.  My husband would not want this for me, and I want to be stronger.  I want to say I dont gambel ever!May all our weeds be wild flowers!!!