[zedhead1]

Let me start by saying I.m a gambler
my goals
1 to be free from gambling
2 to understand why I gamble
3 use all tools and advise .and counselling to achieve a gamble free life
4 to gain trust back from my partner

now I.ve been here before , or so I thought, to be honest I probably convinced myself that ( I’m not that bad after listening to other who,s gambling had cost them everything) at this point called I.d lost was a little I wasn’t even in debt .
so carried on for a while thinking I didn’t.t have a problem and beside people around didn’t seem to mind this went on for years but slowly the gambling got worse and I borrowed got in debt ( that.s ok I can pay it back ) to start with you do and gambling for a short while in my case takes a back seat but then it increases and then you miss payments this leads to more and more missed payments I still convinced myself I didn.t have a real gambling problem ( but I did) wasted years went by had a family this gave me a focus so gambling took a much bigger back seat as I concentrated on the kids , but in truth it was still there smouldering away waiting to grab its chance to take you focus and it does. now I did recognise I had to do something about I still wanted a normal life so the gambling was kept hidden and money borrowed to pay debts accrued by gambling starting making excuses why I had no money I even started lying. That’s it I was now living a lie and still didn.t recognise or admit a had a problem, so now i was set for life a life of secrecy and lies and financial freefall and this became the norm for me it wasn’t. till a few years back i knew i had a problem and needed to get help a a few years ago I finally admitted I needed help and got counselling and even took measure to self excluded but to be honest I still seem to be holding back and the good work and advise came down around my feet and the relapse hit me hard ,and my gambling was worse than ever I confided in my partner and she took control and we cleared all debts and even had great holidays thing were good I was now engaged to the women I loved work was great everything was good .then BAM !!!! it really hit hard and the last three months have be the worst and I undone everything I achieved .
SO here I am 3 days in I.ve admitted the problem to my partner contacted breakeven gone back to counselling set up as many obstacles to prevent gambling nationwide ,worldwide EVEN !!
I want to stop! it has to stop ! and I.m sure it will as certain emotions seems to be prominent this time SHAME ,GUILT, EMBARRASMENT and LOST of TRUST .
so now that’s my story so far and I.m going to continue on here with the highs and the lows the emotions I feel and hope not only will it help me understand I.m hoping others who’s read this mind might see similar signs in there own battles I now know the feelings I don.t like and now only want only good feeling a a positive future.

[zedhead1]

 THE First counsel meeting (phone)

[i-did-it]

Hi Zedhead
Thank you for sharing your story.
You know that you can stop and you know how to stay stopped. The difficult part for many of us is when we have been stopped for a long time, things start to pick up and we forget how bad it can get. We can start to think we can control it and that is often our downfall.
Well done for seeking help and taking so many actions to help you with this addiction.

[zedhead1]

hi I did I 

thanks for taking the time to read my back story and I hope you will read my coming  future journey and  maybe even respond with good constructive advice from time to time .

it’s good to know that others our reading this journey so I know I.m not alone .

thanks 

[Seanraj4731]

Happy new GF year 2020. You are here and you have recognize this habit and now you gonna make that change. Now this change You Going to attain…. you got to repeat it daily I Am GOING to be free…. I am GOING to start living my best life now and moving forward. Yes what is …. IS.. Time is now time for you to rewire refocus renew reprogram your mind. What methods are you using to be GF for 3days. Keep at it continue living in your moments. Life is yours to live live in the moments. Yes you are gonna clear up all your debts. I have closed off one of my loan this year to keep my mind focus of attaining self worth. Its blessing to have a perfectly healthy body & mind. Stay positive. You can follow my tread. Until we chat again. Leave out all the rest….. live now your life is meant for greater things. Keep it up bro. You got this. I am rooted for you. Thank you and continue posting on your tread and reply to by journal.

[zedhead1]

thanks for your support 

I.m speaking to my councillor in a couple of hours 

I.ll know more then but I do know that what i.ve done already isn’t.t enough my partner is taking control of finances and hopefully she has the strength to give the support i need

I,m concerned about the emotional damage that I.ve caused to her and family and the shame guilt and failure I.ve now feel my self esteem is low  and with the right support and strategies and tools I know I.ll be ok but it will be a tough long road and I want to be back  stronger and in control 

I can see that all the positive things I want , need and achieve out way the negatives I have caused .

I.m going to get through this what ever it takes 

 support and knowing I m not alone is very important 

thank you 

[Paul Dent]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[zedhead1]

thank you for allowing me to tell my story and  my  positive journey ahead 

[zedhead1]

well day 5 doesn’t. sound alot but every day GF is a achievement ,but one day at a time
Anyway done my first councillor meeting yesterday it went well I was honest and felt emotional for what I.de done but we did start constructive rebuilding so all was good (small steps)
well today I feel low (its bound to happen from time to time ) but I.m prepared for them .
anyhow I tried to talk to my partner about understanding my illness and supporting me through listening so we can rebuild the trust that I.ve taken from her and her family .
after trying to explain what I wanted its was quite apparent her thinking its not going to be sympathetic to my illness .so in true style my mind thinks ok just go along with her way but deal with this on my own and try not to explain my illness she doesn’t, really want to hear .
but with comment like ” you are weak ” or I am supporting you I.m letting you live in my house ”
I did feel belittled and it doesn’t do my self confidence alot of good (that’s ok I.m fine with it as I.ve been hear before with my own family some time ago )
and I managed my life by just going along with them even if they didn.t want to know .
just got to remember if they need help with anything I.ll help and not be petty because to be honest they are hurting
but you never know its early she might soften to my condition who knows .
i.m going to just take it one day at a time on my own if needs be.
also tried speaking to her youngest son he just blanked me but again I expected nothing different to be honest .
so here I am sitting alone at home feeling low and remorseful but no urge to go and gamble but just flat and no motivation to do nothing but sit quietly by myself and reflect ,although I.ll be glad to get back to work monday ,so got something to look forward too .
on a positive note I.m moving forward I know I.m going in the right direction onwards and upwards .

[Seanraj4731]

Good day bro i am in the same boat with you i am going through a divorce after all the dishonesty the stealing gambling cause upon the marriage.my wife had enof nd she wants out. I m remorseful and i am accepting mine consequences. I m gonna rise above this. You too gonna rise above this with a positive outlook. Keep strong brother. Even tho bitterness wil be present i choose to remain calm and humble.

[i-did-it]

Hi Zedhead,

You are working so hard at fighting this addiction which you never asked for. You did not go out and actively seek an addiction and it has hurt you as much as anyone .
I can understand your partner being annoyed but I am having difficulty understanding why she would involve her son.
Ganging up on a person is bullying – you deserve to be living with people who treat you with respect – yes even when you make mistakes.

I hope as you continue on your journey of recovery and work with your counsellor you come to realise that you deserve to be treated with respect. I hope your self-esteem increases and that you find the strength to say to others when their behaviour is unacceptable. I hope you are able to recognise when behaviour is unacceptable.

Your gambling came back hugely three months ago – do you know if anything triggered this ? Were you worried or stressed? Was there something that was easier to escape than face?

You deserve the best life possible. You deserve to feel supported and loved by those close to you.
You deserve to be gamble free so keep working on it.

Keep strong Zedhead.

[zedhead1]

thank you 

[zedhead1]

hi thanks for your reply 

when I spoke to my partner she was very upset which is understandable her son was there to comfort her she also an open person with her children being very close so she told them all again I get it.

as I said I don.t blame them I can only try and repair what I.ve done 

however myself will  remember how people are with me now or don.t offer  me support  and i.ll move onwards and upwards and maybe when i.m stronger these memories will probably help me to stop pleasing or helping other  but as I said I trying not to get a pretty sort of attitude just a positive mindset. 

I know it’s out in the open but everyone will have there own views on how bad it is especially if they are a close family network 

how ever I.ve always helped with no hesitation and people forget the kind and good person you are and only see the hurt you bring and how bad you must be to do what you did 

[i-did-it]

Hi Zedhead
We are good people. You are so right! We made mistakes sure – who hasn’t? Ours had financial consequences but we were never intentionally bad.

Something which I have had to learn and it feels like it has been the missing key to my recovery is self-compassion.

It is so easy for us to accept the blame for everything which goes wrong in life- we spent our time under such stress with this addiction and really hating ourselves. We can easily feel that we deserve any treatment others choose to give us.

We must remember it is an addiction not a choice – taking action to control this addiction however is up to us- and it’s really hard but here we all are doing our best.

Something which helped me hugely was writing a nice letter to myself – a letter like that I would write to a good friend who had messed up- it helped me to understand that I had suffered as much anyone.

It helped to realise that I was really a good person trapped in a bad cycle. It helped me to take the focus off gambling and put it onto me and my hopes and dreams. It was a letter of self compassion, a letter of self forgiveness and I guess a letter which allowed me to soothe the little hurt down-beaten person that hid inside me.

You are now gamble free and you deserve to be !
Keep strong .

[zedhead1]

thanks that a really good idea 

[zedhead1]

day 6 GF
RIght this morning woke up feeling good ,positive and full of energy wanting to do something instead of sitting in house .
so put it to my partner let’s do something today like make a memory just go out do something .
you would think being in a dark place and making excuses to not do thing cause you are all consumed with gambling and negative thoughts that actually wanting to do something positive would be easy ? not so she didn.t want to do anything and I didn.t want to do things on my own .
so here I sit now doing nothing feeling deflated .
i suppose as i get better I.ll find it easier to do the old hobbies and DIY and gardening again .

[Steev]

Hi Zedhead … please don’t just sit there and wait for yourself to get better. You need to work on your own recovery by taking action. I have always believed that I needed to put as much energy into my recovery as I did into my gambling – and I didn’t gamble by just, ”sit now doing nothing feeling deflated.” (Oh if I did – just think of the money I would have saved!)

Remember this is YOUR recovery – not your partner’s. She will have to find her own way in her own time. Your recovery has to be your number one priority. So please don’t sit there feeling dejected – because I know if I did the gambling thoughts would come back again. Get out and do something – even if it is only for a walk in the park, a look around shops that are interesting to you (DIY and gardening centres?) Or maybe just go out into the garden to take stock at what needs to be done. Moving away from gambling means just that MOVING … so please take your recovery into your hands and run with it. I wish you well.

[i-did-it]

Wow. Steev – thats such good advice !

I remember when I was at the residential it was kinda drummed into us that we needed to ourselves first – when we allow others affect our motivation/ mood it is too easy to use it as a trigger to gamble !

Go make your own memories Zedhead it make things to remember like a beautiful garden !

You deserve a good life , you deserve good memories and you deserve recovery!!
Get out and get going and don’t feel guilt tripped – putting yourself first is important to recovery!

[vera]

Hi Zed,
Just to ”put the cat among the pigeons” I will add that feeling you are on your own can be a dangerous place to be for a CG in early recovery. You need fellowship and support and who better to offer that than your Life’s partner. Maybe I’m being too idealistic but facts show that gamblers who have family support do better than those who are alone.
(In my case that feeling contributed to my gambling initially and lack of communication over the years caused me to isolate and gamble again and again-I say this without laying any blame on my husband)
I agree that we need to take responsibility for our actions past and present (you are well aware of that from your posts)
I also know that it is selfish to expect our ”significant other” to switch moods and arrive on the same page as us overnight .
Just because we decide to move away from what destroyed us AND OUR LOVED ONES doesn’t mean others will come on board immediately . It takes a long time to re build trust.
Your partner is most likely still in shock and very hurt (has she got support? Maybe Gam-anon or the Friends and Family Forum here would be of help to her right now)
Keep the communication open would be my suggestion.

[zedhead1]

Theres so much great advice and support been given to me by you guys I cant say thank you all enough and I am taking it on board 

i am very resolute in making my recovery mine and no one elses and i know the pitfalls in the past which have drawn be back to the dark side

so with all that in mind using my past experiences good and bad will help me to navigate my way through to a successful outcome.

however that said the one thing that i have definitely needed was support from freinds and family but sadly that was one thing I destroyed in the past .

so every aspect of my life since I.ve done stuff on my own and never asked for help from others but all ways helped without hesitation.

I.m fully aware that not having friends and family support network has been one trigger when I.ve been lonely I also know when gambling in the past this has been an advantage as I never got bothered by anyone to go about my addiction .

so although i.m having difficulty with my partner and her family understanding and supporting me t the moment I am working on it and with patience from me and time I.m hoping they will see the changes and start trusting ,understanding and supporting me which i know i need so much

but the flip side I need to get strong for myself first  so I can have the confidence to stand up for myself and not keep doing what others want

I know this caused me to become frustrated and I would feel low cause I couldn’t  say no to others .

so I know I.ve got much work on my own personal well being (innerstrength , self confindence ). so I can feel good about myself and strong and be heard to be able to truly beat this .

[i-did-it]

Hi zedhead
That’s a really great post !
Fit your own oxygen mask first before you help or support anyone else .
It strange that we even have to say “be selfish about our recovery” or “put ourselves first” because most people already put themselves first – we somehow have learned to not value ourselves enough to do this .

I have discovered that by putting my recovery above everything I am able to be truly there for the people in my life . I am there because I am not distracted by the cravings , counting , shame , withdrawal and all the other horrible consequences of gambling.

I am a better mother, partner, sister and friend – because I put my recovery before all those people! Their highs and lows I will certainly be there for – I will not however allow them to treat me with anything less than respect just because I have made mistakes – when they become perfect then maybe …

[zedhead1]

well day7 (one week ) GF a small milestone I know but I.m very pleased with myself

anyway been out today doing a bit of SELF retail therapy (felt good )

got van tidied and organised ready for work tomorrow ( will be nice to have something to focus on again )

[zedhead1]

day 8 GF

Great day! back at work totally focused on my team nothing else
loved it .

[i-did-it]

Well done Zedhead !

Continue to make your recovery your number one priority and everything else will fall into place.
Be totally selfish about it – avoid people who drag you down !
You deserve recovery for u!

[zedhead1]

day 9 GF 

thanks I did it 

yes i am being selfish ,I can.t be any other way this time  and no one will put me down,belittle me ,criticize me .

so anyone that tries to I will drop them off in the layby of life and carry on down the road to success 

and  my new motto is

” my future rewards outweigh my past mistakes ”

[Seanraj4731]

Thank you for keeping the right mindset man. Positive awareness and graditude. The key to all of life mystery is to give and be thankful. Give without asking for anything in return. Give selflessly. Be thankful for all that you have. And keep it you are gonna be gf for life.i am on day 33  and living the good healthy life man of self worth and recovery

[zedhead1]

day 10 Gf 

thanks I will stay true to myself 

[zedhead1]

Day 12 GF wow so impressed with myself 

 I.m feeling so much better about myself plus my mind is clear and my resolve to succeed only seems to get stronger . THis last week had another meeting think I made progress and put little personal goals to achieve. even booked a week end away with my partner . I.ve started to put stuff in place for me only ,concerning my hobby so all is looking good .

[i-did-it]

Well done Zedhead
It is truly amazing once we start to really value ourselves and take actions to reinforce our self- worth we find other things in life slot into place.
Keep strong !

[zedhead1]

day 25 GF

well I.ve been keeping myself busy and I.m still getting stronger with staying GF .
got my holiday book so I ve got a good focus outside work also started to get my me time back and started to get back into my fishing .
even my partner is now more supportive counciling is going well too
I feel good I.m alot more confident in myself and life is good .

[zedhead1]

Sorry not been on here, Hope everyone is doing well. I know I.m doing well still GF and proud of it Works been keeping me occupied and getting back into my fishing has been really good and I.m feeling the passion for angling like I used to . So i.ve not had alot of time to think negatively or dwell . also my counselling is also helping to change my mindset and be more positive . Also most importantly my partner is helping by supporting and beginning to show signs of trusting me again I really feel good and all is positive and may it continue ,so onwards and upwards .

[Steev]

It is so good to hear that you are doing well and that you have gone back to a previous passion. I really think that we need to remember what our lives were like before gambling and either pick up the things we let go of – or realise the dreams that we had then. In my case travelling, in yours angling …
I’m also glad to see that the counseling is helping you and that the family support is starting to kick in. Such a more positive post than your OP and the one you wrote on April 1st. Keep strong!

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