Today was a bit difficult my ex came and helped me for a bit and we ended up getting into the cottage I’m moving into. The tenant who’s supposed to be long gone already left the door open as requested yesterday by my uncle. The place was completely trashed inside. It’s like an episode of hoarders stuff everywhere floors are covered in garbage and black from dirt. All the appliances are destroyed and the walls are gross to. I left crying because its going to take forever to fix it which means I’m stuck in my trailer for alot longer. I have empathy in the fact the man is severely mentally ill though. I guess the positive is when it’s cleaned up it’ll be really nice with newer floors and appliances as my aunt told me it is there responsibility to deal with it. She was making me deal with it before but I guess realized that it’s not fair being that bad. I also tried talking more with my ex about getting counseling and if we were ever going to try going together but he wouldn’t acknowledge anything I said. I guess it was a good thing I tried getting it out of him because now I no I need to move on as he’s clearly made up his mind that our relationship is not worth fighting for. I can now get my head of the clouds and move on because it’s not going to work. I guess I was expecting a miracle. My counselor said to me one day that maybe my gambling was my way out of this Rollercoaster I was living in with him. Since he has a serious traumatic brain injury refusing to get proper treatment he was only going to get worse. Now I’m getting the proper help so I’ll be healthier for what comes next. I was sad at first today through all this but im feeling more excited and hopeful for what my next chapters going to look like.
Today I’m grateful for some clarity. I’m grateful I’ve learned to communicate better what I want in life. I’m grateful for the ability to quit this horrible addiction because it serves no purpose in my life. I’m grateful I’m no longer numbed out from anything and that I’m facing everything dead on.