[moose14]

My name is Matt and I am 27. My gambling story started 12 years ago with poker and has divolved into much more. I apologize that this is very long, but it is the first time I have written about any of this,

and I want to get it all out there.

I discovered poker by playing for free on Zynga on Facebook when I was 15. I found it a lot of fun and that I was

natually pretty good. Out of tens of millions of users, I climbed all the way to #2 in the world for most chips. Zynga would sell poker chips to people, but there was a black market

that people used to buy chips at lower prices from other users. I had enough to make roughly $250,000 if I was able to figure it out. It was against terms of service as Zynga

wanted to make all proceeds from chips sales, and it was sketchy trying to coordinate sales. I enlisted the help of my friend whose parents had a PayPal account. We were scammed

multiple times but were able to make a few successful sales totalling $600. But then it ended in two ways. One customer contested the charge and said they never got what was promised.

My friend’s parents were notified and called my parents after my friend came clean about what we were doing. We had the potential to mess up their credit score. I then tried figuring out how to sell

on my own and eventually was caught by Zynga and they zeroed out my account. That was the end of that, for then.

A few months later, my friend told me about FullTilt Poker. He said he watched pros battle it out for hundreds of thousands of dollars and that he was considering making a deposit. I was hooked. I downloaded FullTilt

onto my family desktop and it only took a few days of watching the chips exchanging hands for me to make a deposit. All I had to do was check a box saying I was 18 and enter in my debit card information.

I started with $50. A month later I made my sixth and final $50 deposit. I was down to $2 and binked a $1 tournament win for $460. I then proceeded to play higher stakes and lose it all in a few weeks.

During this time, I was getting out of bed and onto the family desktop after everyone would fall asleep, as this was obviously a secret. I was hardly getting any sleep and started falling asleep in class. My

consistent A-level grades started slipping. Then my parents got a call from the local bank that had flagged my offshore poker deposits. The name of the charge was maskes as a clothing company, but they had

seen that before and asked my parents if it was possible I was playing online poker. They asked me, I said absolutely not, and they believed me. They told the bank no and risked getting in legal trouble because

the bank then started the process of contesting the charge. If not truthful, my parents were committing fraud. I came clean under pressure when they explained the weight of the situation. I felt ashamed as my father

explained to me how I was on pace to lose my entire savings of $2000 in just a few months. He asked me if I was gambling for fun or to make money. I said to make money because I thought I was good, and he told

me to never gamble to make money. It is okay to gamble small amounts for fun, but you have a problem if it is for money. There is a lot of truth in that, but poker, if played well and with bankroll management, is different.

Fast forward to college and I had a great experience gamble-free. Black Friday for poker happened in 2011 while I was a sophomore in college so I assumed online poker was not an option for Americans even if

I wanted to play. I never was drawn to physically going to casinos, and that is so much easier to avoid than a few clicks on your computer. After college I got a job in Washington DC and moved in with roommates.

I was making roughly $50k which was enough to pay my high rent, have fun on the weekends, but not save much at all. I saw an ad for DraftKings, and I was hooked on the idea. I deposited $20 and got a free

$20 play. I started small, and I have played intermittently over the last 4 years. I estimate that I have lost roughly $5000 on that site. 3 years ago, down about $1000 on DraftKings, my mind drifted to poker one night.

I wish it never did. I read about how there are sites that Americans can play at. I found one and decided to deposit $1000 as my one deposit. I had roughly $3000 in savings at the time. I followed bankroll management 

rules and responsibly grinded that up to $8000 over the course of 5 months. However, I was spending all my free time along in my room, avoiding my roommates so I could play, and choosing not to hang out with my

girlfriend so I could play poker. I would play tournaments that started at night and went into the wee hours of the morning. I was consistently getting only a few hours of sleep per night. I noticed my performance at work

suffer, my friendships suffer, and I felt guilty hiding it from my girlfriend. I don’t know why I never withdrew. I guess I never thought I could lose control and lose it all. That happened, and it happened very quickly. I was tilted

after being knocked out of a few tournaments one night and foolishly decided to take a shot at playing a 25/50 cash game and bought in for $2000. I lost on a bad beat and re-loaded, steaming from my losses. Lost again.

I couldn’t believe that I had wiped out months of hard work in just a handful of minutes. Over the course of the next few weeks, I abandoned tournaments and played high stakes cash games and lost it all. When I lost, I almost

felt relieved, like I could finally put this behind me. But I also thought about the money and how good it felt to have it. Over the next year I did not gamble and started to think about the loss less and less. Yes, $8000 was a lot,

but I really only lost $1000 from poker.

After that year passed, I remembered that I had put down a small wager on the site’s sportsbook for a college football championship winner. I ended up being right and knew I had $20 on there. I re-downloaded the client,

played poker, and over the course of 3 months, built it to $2000. However, I was in the same cycle of isolating myself and under-performing at work. Just like when I was up $7000, I had fantasies of making enough where

maybe I could quit my job and be a poker player. Then I discovered the built-in video blackjack player on the sportsbook page. $20, I thought, betting $2 at a time. Lost it and was pissed. I had prided myself on being a poker

player. It wasn’t true gambling in my eyes. It was a skill game. Blackjack and casino games were for degenerates, I thought! But a day later, I had lost my entire $2000 bankroll on that stupid blackjack player. I was pissed at

myself and un-installed the client.

Several months later, it’s October 2018, and my beloved Red Sox win the World Series. I remember that I had made a small wager on them to win the World Series back when I had my $2000 bankroll. I re-downloaded the client

and had $100 in my account. I lost it playing blackjack. I should have un-installed and forgotten about it. But, I hit «quick deposit», and the rest is history. Over the last 8 months, I have lost $27,000. I had built $28,000 in savings

and I am down to $1000. It was almost all on blackjack. I would occasionally play poker, but the action was too slow. I craved the instant wins of blackjack, and I chased losses. Hard. I remember being devastated and punching

pillows in my apartment after I lost my third deposit of $200. I thought losing $600 was insane, that it was worth chasing. By March, I had lost $17,000 and it was well past the point where having financial conversations with

girlfriend, who I now live with, would be affected. I couldn’t hide the amount anymore — it was too significant. This drove me to chase harder. Over the course of the next month, I grinded it back to a loss of only $8000.

I was confident — play a little poker, play small blackjack, grind it up. I kepy track of my progress in a note on my phone. I was going to break even and wipe away my mistakes. But then, I had a Sunday where I lost $2,000.

I was shaken, and the next day, while sitting at the car repair shop, I lost another $3,000. Then before I knew it, I was back at 0 again and down $18,000. The deposit cycle started again. Over the past two weeks I

managed to go from -$26000 to -$24000, but I lost my $3000 balance in 20 minutes this morning. I am not at a new all time low of $27,000. Oh, and that does not include the $1000 poker deposit and roughly $5000

on Draftkings. All in all, I am down roughly $33,000 gambling, with $1000 left to my name.

I feel broken, helpless and stupid. I am fiscally responsible in all other aspects of my life. I don’t like spending lots of money on food, I don’t shop. I avoid tolls while driving to save a few bucks. But then I have this monstrous

ability to deposit large amounts of money and gamble it away with just one click. I haven’t told anyone in my life, and I really do not want to tell my girlfriend. The reason I have been able to gamble so much without her

knowing is that I work from home most of the time. I am afraid that she would lose all trust in me, as we worked through trust issues in the past, and I am afraid that she would not want to be with someone who could do this

to themselves. We have talked about getting married, and now I would have to go into debt to do anything — to buy a ring, to plan a wedding, to buy property. Before writing this post, I un-installed the client, but even now

I have a strong urge to re-download and deposit another $1000 from my credit card. Maybe just take a few shots at $300 bets and see if I can recoup just today’s losses and start again on grinding it up. But I have done this

so many times before and it is how the losses ballooned to this. When I was down $2000, I couldn’t imagine being down $4000. When I was down $5000, the idea of being down $10,000 was unfathomable, and so on. Now

what should I think of? Being down $40,000 or $50,000? $100,000? That would be truly life crushing. Now, it is possible for me to build my savings again, but salary has not increased much, and it will take years to recoup.

My girlfriend and family think I have close to $30,000 saved, but I have nothing.

I know I need to stop. What are some strategies you use beyond self-exclusion and therapy? I don’t want to do therapy right now because I can’t afford it and I also want to avoid telling my girlfriend. I want to heal and put

this dark habit and period of my life behind me. I want to focus on my career, be present in my relationships and be happy Matt again. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Just writing all this down is helpful.

One thing I plan to do is follow this post, interact with you guys, and track my progress of gamble days-free. I have read through the forums multiple times at various low points, thinking I was at rock-bottom, when really

I just kept falling further and further down. I want this to be my bottom. Thank you.

Matt

[moose14]

Sorry for the weird formatting. When I was drafting the post, there was a purple ribbon on the page that was in front of my text so I would hit enter to avoid it. I see now it looks all messed up.

[Steev]

anyone document their last two bets like that before.

I remember using the words «I AM DONE.» Unfortunately I used them several times.

If you look around the site — you will see that there are 4 things you need to do to stop gambling. 1) Ban and bar yourself from places and sites where you gamble. 2) Restrict your own access to money — if possible by asking someone you trust to handle it, at least in the short — term. 3) Find ways of using any spare time you have in non-gambling activities, preferably things that will take you well away from even thinking of a bet … and 4) Get support for yourself — most would recommend Gamblers Anonymous in the first instance because the people there have been there, know how to listen and will give good, local advice — but there are other self-help groups and sites and there is counseling.

I hope you are able to sign up to this. Even when you do — as you will see from others’ posts on here it is not an easy ride — but people do come through it and live gambling free lives. You are still young and you deserve to have the life you need. I wish you well.

[Meghna83]

Hi, First well done for reaching out on this forum You have lost a lot and I would say that this point in time *****ing your losses will make you feel worse. It seems that the more you ***** he more desperate you are to quickly ‘win’ back those losses.

You have a real gaming problem and the gambling has taken control. I lost £20,000 within half an hour on slots. I stopped for a week or so after that happened as I was in shock but soon gambled after that losing around £8,000 in total (give or take) Right now I do not have any urges to gamble and have come to a point where I can’t afford anymore losses. I think that refraining from gambling will help us. Playing again and again will only keep the habit alive and create a stronger habit.

Please don’t rule out therapy, we have to be serious about stopping (not half in) Make a fresh start and let go of losses. If we don’t, our losses will only grow in number over time. You spend hours and days playing and that habit will take time to kick.

I have put many barriers in place now, including handing my bank cards over to my husband. I also told him about my first big loss and  my urges to gamble during that time. 

If your family and gf think you have $30k you should consider being honest with them. That may create problems for you later. You need someone to support you through this and help you put barriers in place as You are early on in your recovery 

Good luck and please keep posting 

[moose14]

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and I agree with everything you said. I will definitely think more about opening up to my girlfriend about it. I will commit to posting and updating here as much as I can. I think in the meantime, while I do not open up to my girlfriend, I can see this forum as a pillar of support for me. In the past, when I was able to get through a month or two, the urges went away, but I also had not experienced huge losses yet. I think that I will need to prove it to myself over even more time to get through this.

[Meghna83]

For me this platformis not enough on its own . There are times when I am on the brink of gambli, I post but don’t get an immediate response which leaves me still feeling the urge.

About your GF, I really think it’s a question of honesty. If from an early age you have learned to conceal, keep secrets, as you have shared about the zynga experience, this habit will only grow stronger If you allow it to. find ways that help you move away from the old ways that led you to gambling. Concealing your losses and continuing to let your closest person, whom you are living with, believe you have won‘t Bring about real change.

let me tell you this. Two or three days before I experienced that big loss of £20,000 plus, I texted my husband telling him I had opened a savings account for my then 6 month old babY. I had transferred £300 to the account. He replied with a loving message and said I was the brains of our couple and that he was so happy that one of us was good with the finances and that he felt less worried about our financial future because of that.

two days later I told him I had gambled away £20,000 in less than half an hour. A horrible blow to give and a definite fall from grace (For me)

I told him because:

I had to be honest. I couldn’t let him believe we had more money than we actually did ( because of my problem gambling) I didn’t have to because the account is in my name and the money was managed by me I.e I had the passwords and sole access to that account  

I needed help,I also didn’t trust myself and needed help managing my barriers. He was the only one who could help me with those.

I felt immemse guilt and needed to talk it through with my best friend (my husband)

 

[velvet]

Hello Moose and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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