[Clarity]

Hi everyone,
I’m not sure what i am doing here. I’m almost scared to tell my story as it would be admitting to myself what a loser I have become. But, I suppose it’s healthy to see it all out in the open.
I started gambling because it was a social thing to do in the pub with friends after work. It was enjoyable, and it wasnt for big money. We would all stand around a fruit machine competing against each other. After a while I looked forward to it too much and would spend more and more not giving up till i saw the flashing jackpot lights. Thats my weakness.
I realized I had a problem and moved away from everyone I knew who gambled, thinking this would help me.I lost friends and became a social recluse. This became worse as I stumbled across another place to gamble and then it took hold of me again. I ended up lying to friends and family and playing fruit machines alone. I would spend hundreds of pounds and countless hours chasing those flashing lights and blue sevens, only to find myself walking home broke and unable to pay my rent. I then would lie and borrow money to cover my rent. When I should have paid back the borrowed money I gambled again to try and get back the original money i had previously lost.
I ended up getting a loan and a racking up credit cards to fund my habit. I worked as much as I could just to have money to gamble. I couldn’t think of anything else. At first it was all about trying to get the money back, but I soon realized I had an addiction to gambling,not because I had great grandours of being rich, but because I was continuosly trying to recoup losses. I lost 7,000 pounds in my first year away from my friends. I knew I had to do something drastic, so I told my brother about my debt, but not how I got it. I told another lie, because I couldnt tell the truth. He helped me to work out my finances and consolodate it all into easy payments. I moved into my parents house and started to repay my debt as quickly as I could. I’m not saying I was perfect, I did slip up a couple more times, but eventually after 2 years it was paid off and I even had some extra saved. I was still anti social as I wanted to save every penny to pay off the debt, but at that point, having the debt paid off was a huge accomplishment. I was ready to make bigger changes.
I decided to travel. I wanted to get away from everything. The UK was draining me off all ambitions and I left in 2007.
I travelled all over Asia. Never once did I think about gambling. I didnt gamble once in about 4 years.
I ended up in Vietnam, got a good job and started my own business. I loved the place and the people. I thought I had finally conquered my addiction and at last had a life which I knew I should have.
At the beginning of 2011, my friend said we should go to the local casino. I said I didnt want to, not giving a reason other than that it wasn’t my thing. He persisted as he didnt want to go alone. After countless beers,and hours of persisting we went. We ended up playing for hours. I got completely hooked again and started going without him because I didnt want him to see how much i was spending. I lost so much and started chasing again. I went to work looking forward to the time I could finish, so i could go back to the casino.
Over the course of this year, my gambling has got so bad that i’ve lost everything. I’ve lost my business, my girlfriend (because i was always making excuses so i could go to the casino) my closest friend (because I am always in a foul mood and never social) and almost my mind. I considered ended it all after a big loss that left me with empty pockets 2 days after payday.
So, right now I am sitting here writing this after yet another loss and the strongest desire to stop.I cant explain why i keep doing it. I no longer enjoy it as i know before i go that i will lose. Its a vicious circle and its draining the life out of me. I want to stop,I have to stop and I will stop. I just dont know how.
I have got 20 days until i am heading to another country to take a month off work to try and get my life in order. I have very little money now but it is just enough to survive a month. My concern is that i will go back to the casino during these 20 days and lose again, leaving me unable to go. I am unable to control the urges and find myself on auto pilot heading to the casino with cash in hand.
I want to make a fresh start. I want to be able to put this all behind me and live my life again, happy and full of ambition. I need to make a change and need to do it fast before i ruin my life for good. I keep falling into the same trap.
I would love to join GA groups but being in Vietnam makes that difficult. That’s the reason I am here making this incredibly long cry for help hoping that there are others with the same problem out there, with advice on how to get beyond this gambling groundhog day that is my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Also hearing other accounts of how you got into it and more importantly what steps got you out of the routine would help me out so much!
FOR ANYONE THAT HAS MANAGED TO READ THIS FAR i apologize for writing so much and thank you for sticking with it.
 Tomorrows another day

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