[K1245]

This is my first post.

 

I started gambling in my teens when I met my first husband – he was a horse racing fan and it didn’t take long for me to feel the rush of winning.

Now, it’s 30 years later, and still gambling.  The problem now is that I have been borrowing money from my father in law to do so.  This came to light when he recently passed away and his children asked for a bank statement.  All the lies and manipulation have now seen the light of day.   Luckily for me, they are not going to press charges, although I would have understood if they had.

Why didn’t I stop when I was only down $5K or $10K or even $50K?  I wish I could give an answer that sounded even a little bit reasonable.  I think, in my warped mind, that I always thought I could win it back.  I’ve read other posts that mention the desensitizing of the size of the bet and never thought of it that way but they’re right.  My weakness is online slots and the money never seems real until you tally up your losses.  Then the self-loathing, and shame sets in.  Until you find a little more money and convince yourself that you can get some, if not all, of what you lost back.  And it has to be all or nothing – I too have been up a lot but it never seemed enough – causing me to lose it all back.

I had even cashed it out – but it sits there for 48 hours so I would always go back and whittle it down to nothing. 

After this total breach of trust, I realize that I can’t do this on my own.  My husband now has total control over my money – I will have to ask, even for enough for a coffee.  I have asked the online casino to close my account and blocked all emails from their support group.  I have signed up with a Gamblers Anonymous group in my city.

Here’s hoping with those measures and a little bit of God’s grace, I can rebuild the trust with my husband.  I fear my relationships with his siblings have been destroyed beyond repair.

[jen3]

It will get better with time. I wish you the best.

[K1245]

5 days in. I’ve started keeping a journal where I write bullet points. Anything that affected my day, how I physically felt that day, any meetings with counsellors and even the weather. Mostly, I’ve felt physically and emotionally tired. I’ve continued to be honest with myself, recognizing that I may never have this addiction “beat” as I know that if someone put some “free” credits in an online slot account, and I had access to it, I’d be in there. So I continue to give my phone to my husband and hope that eventually, this will not be a requirement for me in order to avoid the pitfalls. I’m trying to find the good things that happen in the day. Yesterday, one of my husband’s sisters gave me a ride to work (which I never thought would happen) and said “you’re worth fighting for”. I am and I will. Mostly, I’m trying to keep busy doing other things. Things like cleaning out desks and disposing of clutter. We shall see what Day 6 brings.

[Monica1]

Early recovery is difficult with emotions and energy but you have made all the right steps re barriers. The more time we put between that last bet the better we feel. Even if someone ga e me loads of free credits I would just delete it now. Don’t want to know. Looking forward to reading about your progress.

[K1245]

I think the hardest part is the unjustifiable anger that I feel when my husband reminds me of how much money I’ve lost. I know that I have no right being angry with him, he is the injured party, not me. He has every right to be angry and mistrusting when it comes to how I can possibly pay it back, even though I have provided the repayment schedule and made it so that my paycheques go directly into his bank account. I just feel sometimes like he’s not even giving me a chance to hope that I can climb out of this by reminding me how deep the hole really is.
I also feel spiteful anger towards people that have judged me (also unjustified), but I feel like if they don’t want me in their lives (totally understandable) then that’s fine, but once I’m out, I’m out. I don’t know that I want them back in mine.
But then I remind myself again that it is I that set the wheels in motion to get to where I am and that it will have to be me that can prove to myself and everyone else involved that I am determined to get better. It may take years but I will pay back every dime I owe. I have a plan.

[vera]

It’s good to have a plan, K and having determination to figure out recovery will help you to implement that plan. In my experience very few people (none in fact)understand what goes on in a CG’s mind. Like you, I often feel resentful that my husband shows disregard for the seriousness of my problem, not by dipping my nose in my losses but by “leaving me wide open” to gambling. I often think he wants me to gamble. How warped is that!?In your case you lost his deceased father’s money and of course he is shocked and angry about that. Sadly, when we are in the throes of gambling we don’t care where the money comes from. In fact money loses it’s real meaning and becomes mere ammunition to “keep the reels spinning”. And yes, we ALWAYS intend winning it back. The thing we need to instill in our brains is that as compulsive gamblers,we will NEVER win. The nature of the addiction is that we will continue until we can no longer gamble i.e. the money runs out. That’s why it’s a compulsion. You’re feelings towards other people is not unusual. “Where were they when I needed help” often crossed my mind , or ” they haven’t a clue what I’m going through so why should I befriend them” . My reality was (is) that I isolate myself when I gamble. I shut everybody out. Friends and family are nothing more than time wasters who will cramp my style or wreck my buzz. What kind of friend could measure up to that behaviour? The bottom line, K is that we have caused a lot of damage by our gambling. Money is not what its all about. Gambling is an emotional issue. If your husband or other family members could join the Friends and Family Forum on this site or attend Gamanon, it would give them the insight they need to support themselves and understand the problem. Try to be patient. It takes a long time to undo the chaos we created. Action speaks louder than words . When your family members begin to notice that you are making positive efforts, they will come round. As Jen says, give it time.

[K1245]

I have to say, first of all, that I know for a fact that if I hadn’t turned over all of my money to my husband, it wouldn’t be almost 3 weeks.
I’ve been through a multitude of emotions from urges to depression, to anger and self loathing and actually dreaming that I’m gambling, to down right exhaustion but I know in my heart that I did the right thing.
I think the key is that I am acknowledging that I still have the urge, even though all the secrets are out and I have a plan to pay back all money. I had always convinced myself that I was only doing it to try to pay back stuff that was kept a secret. I’m learning.
On the upside, my blood pressure has gone back down to reasonably normal, I’ve been able to lose a little weight and my house has been de-cluttered from top to bottom and there are no more secrets to keep. Full transparency is a weight lifting thing!
Small victories.

[jen3]

Way to go!! I can relate. (Most likley we all can) I believe In time the roller coaster of emotions will lesson. One can only hope.

[Monica1]

Take it from me. Takes a while but the emotional ups and downs do get better and we can even feel better than we did pre gambling. Have faith, it will get better. .

[K1245]

well, we made it through Christmas. Luckily, I have a family (my side) that takes all in stride – we are all flawed, we need to accept that and move forward. Many Christmas plans, however seemed to fall through, but not because of me, or my husband, it just happened to work out that way. Because Christmas has always been a big deal to me to be part of family dinners on both sides of my family, it was hard. And I found things that I had never even thought twice about were actual triggers. But because I still do not have control over any bank accounts with money in them, there was nothing I could do but recognize them and fight through them. I read from others how easy it is to relapse and can totally relate. If I had access to a bank account with money in it, I would be right back where I started. Some days I feel really strong and others are really tough. I have tried to explain the “compulsion” part to my husband and I think he’s finally getting it. The idea that until you’re broke, there’s still a chance you can win. There’s no such thing as cashing out ahead. So here I am, a month and 2 days since my first post and trudging through. At least I understand it now, understand that there can never be any slots in my life and sometimes questioning if I can even be trusted to have my own bank account again. But on the whole, life is better with no secrets – tougher right now, but better.

[fpsbluefire]

i feel your pain. online casinos shouldn’t be a thing, to be honest but at the end, it’s a business that makes money and will always find its ways. Hope the best and hear from you soon

[Steev]

Good to hear from you. Great that you are getting support from your family. Don’t think about having access to money at the moment. You know what you would do. New Year – new start, so what would the new you without gambling look like. What interests did you give up for gambling? Can you pick any of these up again? Find things to take you away from gambling. As yours was mainly on-line would finding things to do in the real world help? Walking is free, nature, helping others … Keep looking in and telling us how things are going. Good to hear from you.

[K1245]

Something that I’ve realized over the past month and a half. Recovery is pretty much a road that you will travel, aside from counselors and fellow CGs, alone. For me this will be a minimum 6 years as that is how long my financial plan will be in place to pay off the debts I incurred.
I am still bet free because of my self inflicted prevention strategies but that doesn’t mean that the urges aren’t there. My addiction counselor gave me a paper that shows the “iceberg analogy” where only 15% of your addiction is above the surface (the money part pretty much), the other 85% is triggers. She encouraged me to look at this paper every time I had the urge and try to pinpoint what was going on in my life at that time. Most of the time it was loneliness, brought on by feeling like I was being left out of conversations between my husband and his sisters – so really, self esteem issues. There was one emotion that wasn’t listed though, that I found today – anger. Anger that people say they want to be involved in my recovery, want to understand why I did what I did, want to heal so that there might be some chance of a healthy relationship again. But they really don’t. My problem is not their problem. I am not their problem. It is not necessary for us to ever have more than a civil relationship if we are in the same room. So why don’t they just say that? Why give lip service to the idea that they want anything more? Why can’t they just admit that their only concern is that they get the money back?
I even find that although my husband is supportive and helpful in keeping my safeguards in place, even he doesn’t go beyond that, aside from the occasional “how are you feeling?”. He’s offered to go to my counselling sessions with me but he has no incentive to seek out family support groups on his own. I’ve even brought home literature that basically holds your hand in finding these groups but as of yet no one is the least bit interested. As long as I hold up my end of the deal and pay back the money – I question whether my family, other than my husband who has a vested interest in our future, cares if I even gamble again.
So I am acknowledging that other than my fellow recovering CG’s and my counselor I am in this alone. But I’ve also resolved to come out of this stronger so I will carry on…

[K1245]

so it’s been over 2 months since I gambled. I am still on track as far as the repayment plan. My husband has prepared a payment plan wherein there will now be quarterly payments to his sisters (originally it was annual but they have decided that they want the money more frequently) and they have signed off on that plan. My husband has even entertained the idea that he can pay them off with his share of the inheritance from their father but I have said that I don’t really need someone to bail me out. I have a plan and that plan will continue to remind me how I got into this mess in the first place. I will however, accept his offer to pay off my student loans as they continue to charge me interest and the money I was paying them will now just go directly to him. So now I’m working solely to pay off debts that I have incurred legally and not quite so legally. My pay still goes directly into his bank account and we pay my bills together every 2 weeks. So that’s the financial part.

The emotional part is another matter. I have accepted that his sisters will never be able to get past this. My husband thinks that they will, and part of his offer to pay them off with his inheritance was to make it so that money was no longer an issue so maybe they could get past it easier. I, on the other hand, think that if it was the money that was in the way of their attempt at forgiveness then I really don’t want to be close with the kind of person that puts money first. Granted, it is a lot of money – $50K each but as soon as someone put a plan in place to make amends, I think that I would try to support them and make them feel that they weren’t the scum of the earth. But that’s just me. I’ve never been on the other end. I’m trying really hard, for the sake of my husband, not to be bitter but I’m having a really hard time. I had a bit of a meltdown (well, truthfully, a full on meltdown) the other night trying to make him understand that he is defending them and believing that they are forgiving, noble people when I really don’t feel that they’ve done anything to demonstrate that they are. My simple question to him was “have they even asked how I’m doing?” seeing as they were so concerned at the beginning and have really shown little concern since they found out that I had a plan in place to pay them back. (they first looked at it as “lost money”).
I meet with a counsellor every month and try go work through the reasons, the compulsion, and the repercussions as well as a treatment and support plan. She has told me that even though I know that they have to address the hurt and the anger, and I have provided information regarding family groups, I can’t make them do it and I should just realize that I have done all that I can and just get on with life. Either they will eventually resolve or dissolve the anger and hurt or they won’t. Either way, I have no control over that and should just continue to live my life and work on my recovery. But I should be prepared that whatever familial relationship we had will be gone forever. I think that I have accepted that and the only person in that family that matters now is my husband.
My own family has remained supportive and that helps. The urges are still there, not as frequently, but maybe that’s because I have no access to money – although that’s not really true. My husband put $100 in my bank account for me as a starting to some savings and I have yet to touch it. Partly for me (I am proud of myself for not touching it), partly because I know he can look at any time (total transparency) and I couldn’t bear disappointing him after he has been my main support.

Anyway, enough of my long ramblings…. just wanted to let anyone who reads these things that I’m still around and so far, so good.

[K1245]

forgot to mention – started drawing again, dusted off the old sewing machine and dug out the crochet hooks and knitting needles. Also took a side job for bookkeeping – little extra money for the savings account and things to keep the hands and the mind busy…

[Monica1]

Very well done on your gf time and really good progress. Regarding the sisters all things fade with time and they will get over it eventually once they see your resolve. My family have never really been involved in my recovery and it just is what it is. They don’t really understand the addiction and that’s ok. They r bound to feel hurt and it probably is more than just the money. But u should not allow them to make u feel less than. You may have to detach completely from them and take the emotions out of the equation. You are making amends in the best way that you can and that is enough. All we can do is work recovery for ourselves with our higher power leading the way. The serenity prayer on this issue seems to be apt. Your husband sounds like a really good man. I think it is noble to not have him bail you out but I also think it is right.
You r doing very well k1245 and I applaud you for that.

[K1245]

Saturday, my hubby went over to his dad’s house to help his sisters decide what was to be donated, sold or what they each wanted to keep. Needless to say, I was not part of this activity but what I did realize while he was gone was that I have this tendency to pick a fight with him when he gets home, almost every time he spends any length of time with them. I’m not sure but it’s like I have this unexplainable need for him to prove to me that he’s still on my side (although there has never been sides). So this time, I bit my tongue and said nothing to start an argument. He noticed this and actually ask if I was mad cause I seemed “mopey”. I told him the reason and we talked it out and he sort of understands that although I’m okay with his sisters pretending that I don’t exist, I am not okay with him having to avoid mentioning my name in front of them so as to avoid a confrontation. If I’m the one who reminded him that the dishwasher in his dad’s house is broken and they might want to get it fixed before they sell the house, then he should be able to say that it’s a good thing that I reminded him and not just pretend that he thought of it himself. Also I really don’t think it’s him that wants the corning cassarole dish with the green ivy on the sides, lol.
Either way, it’s good that I am looking closely at myself to try to determine if I’m causing unneeded stress in our marriage.
The car was broke so was in the shop all weekend. I was soooo bored! It’s not that I don’t have anything that I could do – I have material to sew, yarn to knit, sketchbooks, books to read etc but just no motivation. So I watched tv all weekend and went for 2 walks. Hopefully spring will be here soon and I can get into the gardening. I could do that forever. Good news? didn’t even think about opening a gambling site no matter how bored I was! I had a session with my gambling counsellor tonight and homework was to set goals and what I would do to accomplish these goals. Also to think of what strengths and talents I have to achieve them.
Have a great week all!

[K1245]

Does the roller coaster ride of emotions ever end? I have a few good days and then I think I get inside my own head and all of a sudden, I’m angry, I’m emotional, I question everyone’s motives as well as my own. Part of me (a very small part) just wants to go to the casino and feel the “nothing” that goes with it. But I know that I need to deal with this, not just bury it with the “nothing”. It’s really hard to explain to non gamblers how/why I feel this way. Today, it occurred to me that when my hubby asks “how are the urges?”, that maybe he’s asking “how much do I need to watch to make sure you don’t steal my money to feed your addiction?” and whether it’s true (which it very well may be), even if it’s not an he’s just trying to be supportive, I can’t get that out of my head and have to work extra hard to ensure that he doesn’t know that I think that and that I don’t try to start a fight….

[Steev]

You can’t know what someone else is thinking – and even if he is worried about you stealing money – so?
He may have had reason enough to be worried in the past.

How about trying out “the new ‘non-gambler’ me is above his concerns because I know I won’t do that.

Being a non-gambler can feel like an act sometimes because it is strange not to be gambling. Sometimes I felt I was being boring, sometimes I was bored. Sometimes I felt I didn’t deserve to be doing other “fun” things. Sometimes I just felt mad at myself for messing up my life and being left with nothing.

I’ve come to accept that I did mess up and then I stopped messing up. It would have been better if I hadn’t gambled – certainly from a financial point of view – but then would I have learnt so much about myself and about other people? We can’t live the alternative life – we can only make the best of the one we have. Keep being the best.

[i-did-it]

Hi K
I just read through your entire thread and I felt it could have been me writing . I used to go through such emotions but in recent years I feel less – I think my emotions have been flattened or maybe I care less.

It occurs to me that once your father-in-law’s house has been settled your husband and you will need to see your in-laws less often. You are absolutely right – the only person who matters in that family is your husband . My in-laws were pretty horrific – but eventually they learned that they just weren’t that important in our lives and it changed their behaviour. You cannot be responsible for them . Your situation brings to mind the story of Cinderella – and guess what – you got the prince!

You husband seems to be really supportive of you and your recovery. Try to change your thoughts every time your in laws intrude on your happiness. They don’t deserve your headspace.

Hope this post helps
Xx

[K1245]

So we just finished what I call “The Sunday night conversation”. Tears were shed, emotions ran high, he felt bad, I, strangely, did not. So tonight’s conversation encompassed how I can’t understand how someone’s family can invite them to things, in this case breakfast this morning, and not consider the fact that they are excluding his spouse and that in accepting that invitation, he is agreeing with them in that it’s okay to not include me.
It also covered how I noticed last week that when the subject of using some of his inheritance to pay off my student loans he flinched, tipping me off to the fact that he really didn’t want to do that. I have now made him understand that I don’t need him to do that, it was something that I thought he wanted to do. I’m a ‘grown ass woman” with a full time job, capable of paying my own debts whether it be to the actual debtor with interest, or him after he pays them. I chose to not take the money that his parents put aside for him. I know that people think “it’s OUR money”. trust me, when it comes to a gambler and a non gambler, it’s not. it was, is and will always be “his money”. I will not have him resenting me for him having to pay my debts. It’s a good feeling to still have a little pride. I actually think he’s a little relieved that I said what he thinks. He said that he thought I would leave after I paid off my own debts, to which I said “why? My pay goes into the bills, including the mortgage too! “.
As much as I don’t want him to have to pick a side – his wife or his sisters – I would like to think that if he did have to, I’d be his choice, without resenting me. Right now, I’m not so sure that would be the case….
There is still love between us, and I don’t know that I’d ever want to be with anyone else but this is really hard.
Oh well. Tomorrows another day, and a Monday at that…

[K1245]

It’s funny, every time he suggest that maybe there may be a time that he should worry, I tell him that I know he checks his bank account, almost daily, and that’s not just since this has come to light.  I would never take from his account because I know that I would be found out immediately.  He then goes to worry about a payday loan, to which I tell him I couldn’t get as my pay now goes directly to his account and you have to show a bank statement, in your name, to the payday loan company, lol.   So I have made it basically impossible for me to get around my own safeguards!

But I understand what you are saying – my late father used to say “you can’t do it over again, deal with it and get on with your life”

[Autor]

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