Hi all,

This is my first time on this site. I’m not sure how I didn’t find it before. I’ve searched online so many times for a good gambling help Forum. I just found out through the app!

Anyway my story I’m sure you’ve heard very similar before. I started gambling 17 years ago when I was 18. I had gained access to a trust account of $20,000 that was given to me as compensation for a home robbery when I was 10 years old. I spent that in 3 months and since then I have been struggling to fight this gambling addiction. During the years of addiction, I have been arrested and convicted 3 times for stealing (to gamble), been to a 3 week rehab program twice, completed a 10 month full time residential rehab program, kicked out of a 9 week residential rehab (due to gambling), countless psychologists and psychiatrists, many gamblers anonymous meetings, smart recovery meetings, tried several anti depressant medications, involuntarily hospitalised for suicide concerns, lost 3 full time jobs due to taking money, lost all my close friends, and had an engagement breakup.

My current situation is I was hospitalised at the end of last year 2017. That resulted in me leaving my job and moving accommodation. Since then I have been consistently working towards recovery. It has been a real struggle and the last month particularly my gambling has been really bad meaning I’ve gambled 95% of money that I’ve gotten. I haven’t been gambling everyday but almost everytime I’ve had access to money I’ve gambled it! I’ve been seeing a counsellor I really like every week since May plus I’ve been attending gamblers anonymous meetings although I want to get into a better routine of weekly gamblers anonymous meetings. Sometimes work has clashed with meetings and other times it’s been lack of motivation. Lately, I’ve been feeling really really low between my gambling binges. 

My last bet was Wednesday so 3 days ago. I’ve organised my friend to pick me up from my work tonight because I get paid tonight. My friend knows about my gambling and I’ve asked him to pick me up so I’m not tempted to gamble all my money like every week in the last month. He’s going to help me by supporting me while I pay my rent and then I’ve decided to buy a pre paid visa card so I can buy food for the week. I’m giving him the rest of my money to keep safe. 

I really want to give up gambling for good! It has brought me so much misery and pain. The only thing it gives me is a momentary relief from the guilt, shame, pain and sadness. I know that the gambling absolutely increases my feelings of guilt, shame pain and sadness. While I’m stuck in this cycle I have never been able to achieve any of the goals I have set for myself and I actually haven’t really given myself the opportunity to focus on what I truly want and really who I truly am. I’ve become so enmeshed with this gambling version of myself, it’s like I’m completely lost! I’ve had great moments this year where I have glimpses of my true self. It’s just never sustained. I just want to give myself the chance to really experience life and discover everything I have missed for the last 17 years.

Thank you for this forum and I would appreciate any guidance and support. 

All the best, Rod