[kimc2010]

Hello – my name is Kim and I now realize how I have a gambling problem.  I’m not sure where to start.  I am 49, am now on disability and have coped with alot of things over the years.  My first marriage was 20 years long, 3 beautiful children and was a mixture of bliss and nightmare.  We lost our middle child in 1998 to a horrible accidental shooting. Our divorce was finalized in Jan. 2000.  During those years we enjoyed playing bingo from time to time.  When the marriage really started going bad and I couldn’t handle the emotional and physical abuse I would start going to bingo on my own.  I guess looking back I was becoming addicted to "gambling" then.  When the kids entered school at the local private catholic school I worked bingo to help fund their tuition.  My husband then also worked from time to time.  I enjoyed being among people and enjoyed the game and selling instand tickets and watching people win.  My son’s accident occurred while I was at the school working – after this I was not able to go back into that environment.  For years gambling never really played a part of my life.  I would visit the casino on rare occassions with my parents and when I remarried we would go from time to time with my parents. I think we might have gone down as I think about it maybe a couple times on our own. My second husband and I were married in 2005 and life did seem to finally be on track and it appeared my kids were going on with their lives as well.  2007 became a nightmare.  My mom, who we thought beaten primary cns lymphoma (brain cancer), relapsed and passed away on Sept. 11.  On July 16 my husband had been very ill and an ER visit turned into a 2 week stay and the diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer.  Our battle with his illness started while Mom continued to try to fight hers. My Husband passed away on Nov. 20. I was placed on disability immediately following my husband’s death.  I had already been working under medical restrictions as I have Lupus, Sjogrens Syndrome, COPD and several other health issues.  After these two deaths the doctors said I also had PTSD and I realized just how much I had been trying not to deal with grief and just pretend it should all be ok.  How the heck life changed – going from happily married, two income household, my kids grown and on own and one step child entering teen years.  Problems – yes – just like any other family well kind of – but we worrked hard to enjoy life and do the best we could.  All of a sudden I was alone, really alone, loss of job, mentally and physically not coping well with life, loss of benefits, loss of health insurance, loss of house and in debt from which i could never recover. So – time to move on right – not.  I’m still not "moved on". 
In early 2008 my Dad and I went on vacation – get away – both of us each dealing with ouur own griefs. I went into the casino and had fun, it was like an escape and a high that i hadn’t felt in a lon time. And I won – that always makes it right doesn’t it – NOT. After returning home I thought gosh I can just drive over to Indiana on occasion and have fun, have a night out with strangers, talk and just feel good. That has turned into my nightmare. As things progressed with my disability case, the collection calls from our debts that the bankruptcy lawyer said ignore next thing I know is I am "uncreditworthy" after 30 years of hard work and I turn to the slot machines.  Before I knew it I was using it as my means to try to "gain" something over everything else.  I won for awhile – but then it became about wanting more and other times it was i just don’t want to think about anything real and then it all became jumbled up and I wasn’t winning and then I was putting more in than taking out and then tring to recover from the prior month loss.  A couple of times I ended up having to have my Dad bail me out cause I overextended. I wasn’t ready to admit I had a problem and honestly I didn’t recognize it as a problem. Now here I am today – admitting I do have a problem – I do know that if I step into that kind of environment it is like a "machine" – i can’t stop thinking just a little more and I’ll beat this machine and I can win some big money and get caught up and stop doing thhis. 
I hope I can find a support resource here, with others who share the same, so that I can never again do this to myself and my family. There are lots and lots of things wrong in my world and I just want to be a good Mom again, and now a good Grandmom.  I want my family not to look at me as a leper or as a failure.  I need to start believing in myself again which I haven’t done in a long time. I need to STOP THINKING that I can figure it out and beat the slot machines, that I can win big money, that I have "control".  Reality is I don’t have control and I haven’t had control for a couple of years and I still am not sure why of all things I have to have this addiction and what is causing it and how to "fix" it.
I have alot of work ahead, and I need to focus on me and I am hoping to find support in the right places.
I would appreciate having others, as I see on here are many, to turn to when I start down that mental path of "what if" or "maybe I’ll finally have some luck".  I need to learn acceptance of being thankful and lucky for what I do have and to be able to copy with the negatives that come with life. 
Thanks to anyone for reading this and who wish to respond and or comment or hopefully become part of a group that helps each other through dealing with this nasty addiction.  I do want to stop and I hope that  God will for once look down and let me heal and move forward.
 
 
 

[Autor]

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