[steph37]

This is the first time I’ve tried anything in regards to my cg… I find myself spending more and more on it and when I do win I am choosing to just play with it until I’m down to nothing…. I gambled yesterday and didn’t today for the first time in a week….. I come from a long line of gamblers- my grandpa goes to the casino every few weeks and usually takes a few thousand with him- however he can afford it and chooses to do it for his entertainment…. my dad also had issues…. I have spent about $3000 in the last two weeks- which could have caught up all my bills… i am married with 4 kids so its not just affecting me… On Friday I was in such a rush to go gamble that I ended up in a car accident and totalling my car (I was fine and ended up getting a cab home, getting my van, dropping my kids off at my in laws and gambling for about 5 hours….. I just want to not obssess about gambling- it takes up so much of my time…. my vice is video slots… the longest i’ve gone in the last year without gambling is about 5 weeks…. in the last 3 months I’ve gambled more days than I’ve not gambled….. Would love to just not think about anything for a long time… this is the first time i’ve taken any kind of step so theres that……

[Anônimo]

Hi Stephen, well done on taking that first step. I too am addicted to video slots so I know how hard it is to stop. There are steps you can take like self banning from casinos, not carrying cash, putting someone else in charge of your money etc. it is difficult to stop but it can be done. I have been stopped for a number of weeks and thankfully I no longer obsess all the time about gambling or gambling losses. It frees your mind to concentrate on other things. You will get lots of support on here .there are groups where you can chat with others and of course this forum. Looking forward to meeting you in one of those groups .

[steph37]

Thanks brave68!! Well i didnt gamble today.. Which in itself is not huge.. The big tedt will be when i or my husband ge paid.. Unfortunately there are about 15 bars with slot machines within a 15 minute drive so its super easy to be anonymous.. I am determined to stop this time…

[steph37]

For a long time gambling was a fun thing to do- splitting with a friend.. Having a fee drinks and a few laughs.. I dont know when it became an obsession of putting 20 after 20 in and not caring about consequences until the money was gone… And now there is no going back to it being a fun thing to do once in awhile…i wish i could turn my brain off…

[Anônimo]

Hey Steph, well done . Sorry I just noticed the about correct changed your name to Stephen on my last post. Unfortunately Steph, once our brain has made that flip to compulsive gambling or addiction it won’t flip back.. We can be in remission but never cured. Well done on your gamble free time

[steph37]

I havent gambled since monday.. Yay me… I still have a hard time understanding that i am addicted to slot machines.. Find myself saying that im not that bad … But i know that it is… Which makes me feel stupid bc i am a social worker i should have known better… I took classes around addiction…

[lizbeth4]

Well done on not gambling! Keep going. Even though it will be tough at times you will get through this. Keep posting. Maybe the support groups here would be of help. None of us thought that we would end up having gambling addictions. It all started out as fun.

[female g]

hoping recovery will bring back a normal happy and productive life. I too have had a few major setbacks but am ready to put everything possible in place to prevent me from becoming lost forever. My brain is overloaded with a desire to quit and I am going to do all I can to quit this addiction I have to gambling. I am putting up every barrier possible this time and trusting that I can rely on my hubby for full support. I am openly talking about my thoughts and feelings too. Try that it might help. I am going to identify my weakest moments and try to talk through those moments before my brain won’t give way to anything else but the urges. Urges are so powerful that you must try to get ahead of them I think. Look for patterns that might lead you to gambling and avoid them. If they are in places you frequent stop going to those places or you will give in too urges, that is a given. Give it all you got Steph and you can do it. Just day 1 again for me but success lies ahead. FG

[kin]

Hi Steph,

I can understand how you feel, I was addicted to video/slot machines too, it was terrible to be addicted to video/slot machines, it has rob me of all the things important to me and brought insanities into my life.

Me too, must stop gambling on the slot machines.When the slot machine use stops, the insanity brought by slot machine use also stop.

I have applied for self exclusion ban from the casino and it has help make it more difficult for me to use the slot machine when I want to, it has made it more inconvenience for me, it slow me down and gave me more time to alter my course.

I cannot use the slot machine. it was not an option.

At the same time, if I do not use the slot machine to alter my mood, I should not be using alcohol to alter my mood because it is the same quick fix for me, alcohol use only affect my thinking and decision making and send me back to the slot in the end.

Grateful to be free from slot machine and alcohol use today.

[steph37]

Thank u so much lizbeth, fg, and kin fo the advice and words of support.. I did not gamble this weekend so i am now at day 6… Last night when my husband fell asleep at 9 i could have went to the vlts (slots that r government owned and in pretty much every bar) but i didnt.. The weekend was good… I also looked up ga meetings which i have never done before.. Hopefully i can work up the courage to go to one…

[lizbeth4]

That’s awesome-no gambling! GA meetings really helped me. Try one and see how it goes. Take care.

[kin]

Well done Steph! on staying abstinence from slot machines.
During early recovery, it is not uncommon to hear us talk about having thoughts to go to the slots…
Good news is after we stay abstinence for a period of times, these thoughts lessen or go away.

Please bear in mind, that we do not have to follow our feeling or what our mind tell us to do every time, we still have a choice.
We may not be responsible for our addiction but we are responsible for our recovery.

How about setting up a barrier to protect yourself from these places such as applying for self exclusion ban from casino or slot machine joints.

Keep vigilant always!

One day, you will find and experience freedom, peace of mind and joy in recovery.

Be patient, be still….

Blessings
Kin

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[steph37]

i am finding it so helpful to read all the comments and stories (is it weird that when i read people from england’s posts its with an english accent 🙂 ) in jan i will b 38 and i have alot of goals i want to complete before im 40 and i know i cant do any of them if i continue putting all my money into the slots.. I also know i wont have a husband much longer if i gamble… I have decided that before oct 31 i will go try a ga meeting

[female g]

way to go and you are right your husband could leave if changes aren’t made. Remember one thing that the best changes come after we realize the damage caused from a gambling session. So do everything possible to tie up your funds and get yourself to a meeting ok Success is up to us. Congrats on day 6 FG

[kin]

The fat cat is the betting houses or bookies.
The gambler keep losing and giving their hard earn money to them
This cat grow fat

The skinny cat is the mother, wife and children
The gambler is not giving them enough
This cat grow skinny

The sleeping cat is the gambler
The gambler do not have the awareness to know what is happening around them.
This cat is sleeping

We need to wake up

[steph37]

I haven’t gambled in 10 days,however haven’t had alot of money to gamble with…. i guess that is a small victory because I have been paying bills as soon as I get money so there is that…. I keep reading everyones posts and am finding it so helpful and see myself doing/feeling alot of the same things…
For me the last year was extremely tough… Last summer (2014) I was gambling alot with our rent money and our landlord finally had enough and gave us a few months to find a new place…. We decided to move in with my husband’s parents to save money for a down payment on a house- which was a big mistake… it just gave me more money to gamble with…. In May of this year we found a house and moved out and again I promised my husband I wouldn’t gamble… but continued to do so… some low points for me included spending my entire paycheque the night before two of my kids birthday parties… luckily my parents were able to bail me out… another time I was supposed to pick the kids up from school (11, 8, and 6) and I wouldn’t/ couldn’t stop playing the machine I was on… again my parents bailed me out and were able to pick them up (I think I told them I got caught up at work)….
My kids are aware I gamble… yesterday my daughter wanted to stop for a drink after dance and I told her I had no money because dad had to keep it so I don’t gamble… she laughed and said “i like how your so honest about it”… which is what I am trying to do now… be honest, and not make up lies about where money was spent or why I need money….
It is hard to know I can’t be trusted with money… every morning my husband gives me some for coffee etc… but it is also relieving to know that I don’t have the choice to gamble….

[charles]

Hi Steph.

First of all I do have to take issue with you. Not gambling for ten days is a victory – you can remove the “small”, 🙂 well done you and take credit for that.

Remember, your husband holding your money doesn’t stop it being your money. We often talk about giving control of money to partners etc in reality it is the opposite. Being accountable and having barriers in place so we can’t gamble usually gives us more control over our money than we have had in a long time.

Well done on putting those barriers in place, keep posting.

[steph37]

Gambled 700 dollars today… So discouraged…

[vera]

Very sorry to hear that Steph
That’s what CGs do with money
Unfortunately
I have done it so often. It is MADDENING. We haunt ourselves reliving the scene , asking “Why, why why” And when we are finished, we say “if only, if only”!
It’s one HELL of a habit Steph.
The only way to stop is to have no access to cash.
By the way, how did you get your hands on seven hundred dollars?
Lot of money for a gambler to carry!

[steph37]

I got paid.. My husbands working out of town so i had to pay the bills…. I thought i could handle it but i was wrong… I need to get barriers back in place… And keep busy.. Thats a third of my cheque gone..

[vera]

Did you plan it in advance Steph?
Just wondering because I usually do. I have to cover my tracks and set an escape route.
Or did you just go into a casino casually?
It took me years to get the Self Exclusion idea through my head I banned from my comfort zones and never went back.
I did manage to find other “hellholes” though and donated large sums to them.
Crazy, isn’t it?
Will you have to tell hubby you gambled?

[steph37]

I had anned on a busy day and 30 minutes before planned it.. Its sll the bars w video slots that i go to… Cant self ban from there… I havent told my husband.. Just lied and told him i paid more bills than i actually did… 🙁

[vera]

They say Honesty is one of the keys to recovery Steph
Personally, the best I could do on that score was to be honest with myself. I told my husband as much as he could bear to take in. I think its unfair to burden people unnecessarily.
The problem with lying is, it becomes a habit and we need a good memory.
This is not the time to crucify yourself Steph. The money is gone. It won’t be coming back.
Can you protect the other two thirds of your salary?
You might not be able to account for that amount so easily.
No real self exclusion where I live either. Just word of mouth, but banning from a venue where you are well known means you lose face when you go back.
I don’t like losing face.
Or money, of course.
When is your hubby coming home?
Can you chain yourself up until he arrives?

[steph37]

Thanks vera.. Your last comment had me laughing as i pictured myself all chained up.. I managed not to go back that night but the next night ended up spending 140 dollars at a casino w my sister in law… I was able to stop that night when i still had money in the bank…I did tell my husband and now have 10 days to make sure i have barriers in place so i dont waste another cent… I am now on day 3 again.. But i refuse to give up.. My next goal is to mend things w my parents.. Ive borrowed alot of money due to gambling and i havent talked to them for several months.. They r not aware of my gambling

[kin]

Hi Steph37,

I am a recovering video / slot machine addict too.

Do you remember what were you thinking and feeling before you head for the video / slot machines?

Hope you wouldn’t mind me asking you these questions to find out; What made you act out in the video / slot machine? What drives you to act out ? What are you trying to fix?

In my case, I found out that I was using the video / slot machine to fix the feeling I have inside, I could have use other better alternative and more healthy ways.

In the early days, I stop gambling at the video / slot machines because I did not have the money, I can be financially very tight every day and can stay gambling free for 29 days of the month. On the last day of the month, when the salary comes in, it become a big temptation, I feel like a different person.

Imagine how much torture and pain I had in my life when this cycle repeat every month. I was trapped in it for a long time.

I thought that since I have 2000 dollars, I had enough to pay my bills and still afford to lose a small amount at the video / slot machine, I plan to limit my losses to 300 dollars and stop at 300 dollars. I want to do what I want not what I need, I want to use the video / slot machines, I felt that I need to use the video / slot machine and I was thinking that I was in full control, thought I could walk away from the video / slot machines if I wish, that was always not the case. I was different from the other normal people, I cannot stop when I start using the video / slot until I lost all in the end. I discover that I was powerless over video / slot machine.

When I was fully convince that I am powerless over slot machine, I surrender and admit powerless over it, not only do I start to seek help, I start to learnt ways to keep a distance and stay far away from using the video / slot machines.

Video / slot machine are like drugs and alcohol to me, it make me loose my clear mind and bring insanity and unmanageability into my life.

I cannot control the thoughts that comes to my mind, if I am thinking about it, if I feel like using the video / slot machine, I cannot do it! I don’t have to listen and follow my thoughts. I cannot use the video / slot machines ever.

Video / slot machine = pressing the self-destructive button in my life.

How many more times do I want to hit the rock bottom ?
How much more pain and suffering do I want ?
How many more times before I really believe that it is enough, enough is enough! I am not going to use the machine anymore ever.

My recovery program is a one day program.
I only need to be clean from video /slot machine today.
Tomorrow will be another today.

Grateful to be clean from video / slot machine today

When I am free from the bondage of video / slot machines, I don’t need the money anymore to feed the machine, it goes into the bank now and stay there.

Thank you Higher Power

There is hope!

[steph37]

Kin that is exactly how i feel.. I can do well for long periods of time and not even think of gambling and then as soon as i know there is money in the bank i think of ways to go to play slots.. Whether its just my lunch hour which then turns into the whole afternoon and evening… Its just that little voice saying go try for a bit… There r times where i do it to “get back” at my husband, there r times that i do it for the rush… Just walking in to the bar and the smell and the lighting and the music give me a bit of a rush.. Then heading to the atm to take money and hurrying as fast as possible to sit on that stool and get lost… And i can for hours and not realize im hungry, thirsty…. That surreal feeling when u go in the afternoon and walk out and its pitch black… And always that feeling in the pit of your stomach of dread knowing that you’ve done it again… The bigger picture is ive only gambled two days in the last month… I am now day 8 since ive gambled last…

[vera]

Well done on 8 clean days, Steph.

You paint a vivid picture of the Gambling Scenario. The lights, smell,sounds,thoughts,voices,rush………………….then the DREADED hangover. We need to balance the High with the Low. Think of the stress, the regret, the grief , the next day, the following weeks. The empty bank account. The fear, the panic…….It goes on and on for as long as we keep feeding those machines . Like a dog chasing his tail, or a rabbit blinded by the headlights of a fast moving car.
The time comes Steph, when we need to step back and see that bigger picture clearly.
The thrill will always bring the hangover.
We can no longer have one without the other.
We have crossed the line. Never again will you or I be able to gamble “normally”.

[charles]

Hi Steph,

How about telling your sister in law that you have decided to stop gambling? That way she won’t expect you to accompany her in the future.

Getting yourself banned from that casino would be a nother good idea.

[Autor]

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