[Raynor98k]

Hello Everyone,

This is the first time I have posted anywhere about my problem, but I have gotten sick of being in an infinite loop of financial misery. My name is Nick and I have a gambling problem.

Like most of you, I do not feel any remorse when losing large sums of money. I personally think this says a lot about our character, but unfortunately, money is important in this world. Money = freedom. I am 29 years old, but have been gambling since I was 15. Even younger before that (7 I believe), I would sit for hours and play my mother’s slot machines. She loves collecting them.

Anyways, down to serious business. I admit I have a big problem with gambling, but I also recognize that all problems have solutions. I knew I had a problem before, but I really recognized I had a problem when I gambled away my rent money 6 months ago. That hit me really hard and I truly hope that was my rock bottom. I was forced to take out payday loans to cover my rent, and I paid them off on the next check.

I am not in terrible shape at the moment. I have 19k in debt, luckily not gambling related (11 in credit cards and 8 in student loans). The main problem has been when I get paid, I pay off all my bills, and blow the rest on gambling online. I have self excluded myself from every casino/card room within 100 mile radius, but I can not seem to stay off online sites. Here is the pattern:

-Get paid
-Pay bills (including payday loans)
-Open account on a new website and lose the remaining balance
-Send email to support to close my account and ban me from opening on affiliates
-Take out payday loans to cover expenses until next check
-Rinse and repeat

It’s exhausting, and this has been my life for the past 6 months. I am very fortunate to have a a good paying job, and could pay off all my debt in 3-4 months if budgeted correctly. I am also very fortunate that I have not done any illegal activity to fund my problem. I just blew through $1,000 that I had extra after paying off bills, and now have put myself in this cycle again. To anyone who is hurting, I share your pain. It’s not fun. Which is why I am here.

I am making a promise to myself to update this blog every day. I know this probably gets said a lot, but I am going to do this. I encourage anyone who is suffering to join me on this journey. I have already set a daily reminder on my phone to do this. If you want results, you have to take action. It’s a problem that requires a lot of hard work and attention. If at any point t you start to feel hopeless, just remember that all problems can be solved. You can and will beat your addiction if you put in the work and want to change. I am here to help anyone I can, and look forward to taking this journey with you. Have a good one

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
Welcome to the site and well done for taking action .
I recognise that cycle so well.
I find that I need a gambling blocker to stop me accessing sites – I currently have betfilter . Perhaps that is something you would consider .

You will get lots of support on here and there are also groups where you can chat .
I think it’s a great idea to post every day .

[alliesmum]

Hi Nick

Welcome to the forum.

I too recognise that cycle all too well.

I agree with I did it with regards to the gambling blocker. It works wonders. I am a recovering GA too and I’m 9 days into my recovery. This site and the people on it are fantastic!

I am sure you will get loads more comments on how to help yourself recover from this horrible addiction.

Check out the support group tonight at 10pm. There will be lots of lovely people on there to chat to and to listen.

Keep posting. It really does help.
I hope to read more from you.

Lots of love xxx

[Raynor98k]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I have read up on game blocking software, and I really need to purchase it on my next pay check. Is betfilter easy to uninstall? I want to start putting blockers in place and the more solid the better. Thank you again for the welcome.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I have researched blocking software, and yes I believe that is a blocker I need to put into place. Anything that deteriorates myself from gambling is worth its weight in gold. Thank you again

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Thank you for the welcome. It has become evident that I am not in the right mindset to handle my finances currently. Are there any techniques you can recommend to make it is difficult as possible to get my money onto these sites? I’m pretty safe from physical casinos as I have banned myself from literally everyone around me, but the online sites are the real killers. I live in San Francisco if that helps. Thanks again

–Nick

[Anonimowy]

I don’t know about US banking regulations, but in the UK the banks offer a service of blocking remote purchases from debit and credit cards. Maybe worth your while looking into this.

At the moment you sound determined to get your gambling problem sorted, and you’re right many of us have pledged at one time or another to post every day.

It’s great to have somewhere to seek support such as this site, but it is also worth your while, I would think, to seek out some live support, GA ( Gamblers anonymous), for instance. Personally I found counselling/therapy a massive help.

I had gambled from a young age 14/15ish I’m 51 now bit have managed to stop gambling. If it wasn’t for the fact I bought some lottery tickets this time last year, I’d be over a year without any sort of gambling whatsoever.

You’re a young man with most of your life in front of you. You’ve shown great tenacity in standing up for yourself against this addiction. Take this opportunity to get yourself sorted out because I promise you the life I’ve had because I didn’t take action against my addiction has been pretty pathetic and pitiful.

Good look with it.

[Raynor98k]

Thank you everyone for the responses. And I would like to extend my help to anyone else who is finding their self in a dark place.

Hopefully this is my last day 1 without gambling, but today I feel pretty good. Yesterday I had a deep cloudy disturbance in my brain. I think it’s because of the hours of trance state I was in, and the realization that I had lost a lot of money when I came out of that trance. Gambling is poison to our brains, but their is hope. The brain is an extremely powerful organ, and it changes all the time given the environments you put it in. I am not sure how you guys feel about meditation, but I am going to give it a try. I feel like I can change my habits through this, as well as changing my subconscious minds thoughts. If I had to guess, I feel that a lot of people on this site probably have negative thoughts about themselves running through their subconscious minds. You can always challenge these thoughts with logic, this is something they do a lot in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I think it is extremely useful in any addiction recovery.

Anyways, this has always been the easy part for me. The next few days after losing my paycheck, I feel at peace as bad as that sounds. There is no temptation for me to spend money because I have none. I am thankful I have not crossed the threshold of digging myself deeper into debt. In fact, aside from a few payday loans I have to take out to get by the next few weeks, I am actually paying down my credit card and student loan debt every month. The hard part is when I will get paid again. I need to really understand in my subconscious mind that gambling is not socially acceptable. Even though it’s made to look like it on TV, gambling will never be acceptable. It is poison and a form of escapism, just like drugs and alcohol. If you can find a healthy activity that lets you escape to replace gambling, then you can kick it to the curb. Hope everyone is having a great day.

EDIT: I would also like to add that I firmly believe the best way to break a bad habit, is to create new good habits to replace them with. This is something I will be exploring as well. Take care

–Nick

[charles]

Hi Raynor and welcome to the site.

„………his has always been the easy part for me. The next few days after losing my paycheck……”

That’s why it is important to put as many things in place now, while you feel like that. Then the barriers will be there when the pain fades, the urges return and you get paid again.

Next payday be posting here, be attending your local GA meetings, have those barriers in place.

Keep posting.

[Raynor98k]

Hi Charles,

You are absolutely right. Today I am going to install betfilter because it sounds like that is what the majority of people recommend. I am also going to google some casinos that I have not signed up for and reach out to their support to request a self exclusion. Day 2 of gambling free and still feel fine, but I want to be prepared for those urges because they will come. I just need to have blockers in place, and when I do get those urges just talk to myself out loud. Really take a look at what I’m feeling, and what will happen if I act on them. And be brutally honest, no more thinking „I could hit the jackpot”, because even if I do, well, you know the story.

Oddly enough though, I’ve never really had a problem with scratchers or the lottery here. Everything is cash only here, which I never carry much of. I would normally buy one or two scratchers and leave it at that. I think there are two reasons why I don’t blow my entire paycheck playing the lottery:

– When I run out of money, I have to run to the bank to get more and it gets tiring (I guess this is an unintentional blocker). There is no convenience to keep spending money freely.

– To me, and I feel a lot of problem gamblers are like this, they don’t want people to know they have a problem. So when I go back to the same store and buy more tickets, I don’t want to be judged by the clerk. Even bringing in a winning ticket right after I scratched it feels weird to me. I could go to different places (and I have), but eventually I stop because I come to my senses (another blocker)?

I guess i just need to distract myself for long enough when those urges hit. They usually show up at night when I want to stay up and „work”. I kind of wish I could just get rid of my computers, but unfortunately I am a web developer so I don’t think that can happen.

Anyways, day 2 gamble free. I feel fine today. I have money in my account for food and other things until I get paid again. I will install betfilter when I get home. Cheers

Best Regards,

Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 3 and I still feel fine, however I have done a bit of exploring with my mind via role play. It is clear to me that the urges come back when I think I have money (I tricked myself into thinking I got paid again). I’ve noticed something though, the cravings aren’t just in my head, but also in my gut. It felt like an exciting nervousness hit my gut. That’s scary. I did however managed to talk myself out of it. I think it is incredibly important that we recognize we are having cravings. Once you do that and can remember what happens when you act on them, you can force yourself to do something else. For me, cravings seem to hit when I am bored. I have to keep my brain constantly stimulated it seems.

Anyways, I have installed bet filter, but I know our minds will try to find another way to get that dopamine hit. Luckily, there are no casinos around me that I can go to, and I am hoping bet filter blocks any site I go to. Another thing I want to start thinking about when these urges strike is that if I do act on them, I am betraying my girlfriend and friends/family. I am basically cheating on her. I would never betray her trust with another woman, so why is it that I feel it is ok to go behind her back and do something cynical? Gambling needs to have a negative view for me from now on. It’s exciting yes, a bunch of different emotions, but you know what else is probably exciting and full of emotions, robbing a bank, and you don’t see me doing that lol. There are many other illegal activities that I would never even give a second thought seriously that would probably give this high, that is why gambling needs to be framed as an extremely negative activity for me. Probably a bad analogy, I’m not thinking of doing anything illegal I just want to be clear on that :).

The point is, gambling needs to be framed as a horrible activity. It is not a social, fun, or worthwhile activity that the media paints it to be. It is poison for our brains, like alcohol. If anything, I want to remember the consequences of gambling when those urges strike, and I want to immediately remind myself that if I gamble, I am cheating on my friend/family and girlfriend. I am lying and being cynical. That’s not who I am deep down. That’s not who any of us our deep down. It’s time to get our integrity and character back. Hope you all have a great day.

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
Imagine this
Imagine it’s your girlfriend’s birthday and you surprise her with a beautiful hotel stay – now that’s exciting too !
How would you feel seeing her face and knowing you have done this for her ?

Because this is exactly the life you are your way to by not gambling .
Sure gambling for us is exciting and a great buzz – I get what you mean – when your deposit is accepted and you are ready to play the excitement is really felt throughout our bodies – but what about after- the depression hits like a mountain falling on our heads .

You are doing brilliantly .
You have got betfilter – which takes he immediacy out of gambling .
And like u I feel that every shop clerk is counting how many scratch cards I buy ! Lol.

Keep going – day 3 is really good – and keep posting !

[Raynor98k]

Day 4, still going strong. I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking about money lately. Specifically, I want to save up for a house. Now, I live in San Francisco, so that idea is probably a fantasy seeing as how the average home in the Bay Area is $1 Million. That being said, we make decent money here, and you can find houses for 500-600k if you go a bit out of the area. I would like my first house to be around 500k, that means saving up about 100k as a down payment. This will obviously take a while, and I would like to pay off my 18-19k of credit card/student loan debt first. I’m not discouraged, actually pretty excited to do so. It gets easier to break bad habits when you create new good habits. I just have to stay away from gambling because it will delay my goals longer. There is no room in my life or budget for gambling. Just have to be prepared for inevitable cravings and stay positive.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Hi I-did-it,

I’m glad I’m not the only one who is paranoid about being judged by shop clerks haha!

Yes, I know that feeling all too well. The feeling of seeing your balance number be higher than 0 on a site. But let’s not also forget that inevitable feeling of depression like you said. Next time a craving strikes, really acknowledge it, and then talk to yourself about it. Play out what will happen if you put money on a site. Do be honest and say I will most likely not hit a jackpot, and even if I do, I know I won’t stop. You have to have goals with your money or you will get no where.

The cool thing about quitting gambling is that all of a sudden, you start to have a lot of money lol. Sure you’re probably paying down debts, but it’s nice to eat out every once and a while and do something for yourself or friends/family. Not having to worry about money is a feeling we all deserve. I know the feeling all too well of not having enough money for food, so I have to dig through the change in my car to get a cheap burger somewhere. Or the feeling of going to a grocery store, and freaking out because I barely have enough for groceries. I always get this paranoid feeling that my debit card wont work, and my other cards are either closed or maxed. I don’t want that feeling anymore, it sucks. The excitement from gambling is not worth all the other strings attached. Take care

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Omg- I would never be able to afford even a tent if I lived there.
Being gamble free allows is to make plans and really have the good things in life.
I remember those days of searching for a few coins – finding a pound coin under the bed seems great when the night before I had maybe blown a grand : now that I’m free for a while it seems so crazy – but when stuck in the cycle it actually seemed kinda logical??

Keep working at recovery – hey everyone on GT we will soon have a place to stay when we visit San Fran ! Haha

[finding_laura]

Hi Nick,

any way you can set up an account for savings that you need two signatures to get at? Then you could transfer extra money to that account and being accountable to someone else would stop you from running to dip into to cover gambling debt, especially repeatedly. Or tie it up in investments or deposits or something. Being a CG and sitting on savings that you can access seems to be a deadly mix. Because if you go off, you could really go off the rails. And the chasing and the self loathing kick in and it can be a pretty ugly place to lose the down payment savings for a home. In my experience I gambled so much I was going to lose my home . The suicidal thoughts kick in then.

Well done on the steps you are taking.

I’ve done a lot of reading on research that compares brain scans of gamblers the same as brain scans of drug addicts. At least two different parts of our brain change in response to our addiction. So treatments and information about drug addiction can be a good source of recovery info for a CG. They feel there are medications and cognitive behavioural therapy that can help with gambling addiction. I feel it is the rational part of my brain trying to outsmart the addicted/cg part of my brain. Need to keep my money and my life safe!

Keep adding in positive activities into your life and keeping busy. You are definitely on the right track. Have a good day Nick!

Laura

[Raynor98k]

Hi Laura,

You are absolutely right about the two signature idea. The last thing I want is to be doing well for a few months and have a lot saved up, only to flush it all down the toilet in one day. I am always on the look out for limiting access to my money as much as I can. Having it in a retirement account (Roth IRA) did not help as it was easy to withdraw those funds. Not really sure what the best approach is here.

I’m done a lot of planning what I could actually do. The good news is I never use my credit cards anymore. I’ve been meaning to put them in the safe at my apartment, but I’ve just never really used them or wanted to. I do however use my debit card. This may sound extreme, but I was thinking of putting my debit card in the safe to limit spending (not just for temptation gambling, but in general being better with money). I thought I would withdraw $100 cash for food/gas and only take $20 with me at any given time, the rest I would leave at home. I know this sounds extreme, but I think it would help with budgeting in general until I get a better grip on my finances.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 5, still feeling great. I will mention though that I did end up buying a scratcher at the grocery store yesterday. Now, do I see this as a failure? No, I do not. I have never had a problem with the lottery. It is a different vibe I get from it all together. I’m not going to defend it as I know a lot of people on here will agree that any form of gambling should be avoided. It is however different to me as I am not being soul sucked by a machine and losing money faster than avocado toast stock (San Francisco joke).

Looking back, I cannot think of one time where I fully regretting playing the lottery. And it has never sparked my cravings to go play at a casino (which I can’t even do now anyways). San Francisco is pretty great in the sense that there are no casinos close to here, and the only card room (no slot machines) we have close is about 20 miles away. I have self excluded myself from these card rooms, and California is great because you can exclude yourself from every card room with one application. Indian casinos are a little different in the sense that you have to exclude yourself from each one. There is one that is about 40 miles away, but I’ve excluded myself from it. The next one is 100 miles away, and I just have never gone that far nor want to.

So, how to feel…if I’m being perfectly honest, I feel totally happy right now. No regrets. I actually won $40 on the scratcher as well, which I will use for food for the next few days as it is still sitting in my car. I know the outcome doesn’t matter, but it is what it is. I will say that my situation is probably a little different. I have never been to the UK, but if it is like other states here, they have slot machines in gas stations and restaurants sometimes (depends on the state). If that was here, I would think the urge to play them when buying a scratcher would be pretty high. Not sure I would agree with any form of gambling then. For now, if it isn’t a problem, then that’s okay with me, and it also has to not influence other problems (which it hasn’t). I think the most I have spent on scratchers in one sitting is $40 or so. I’ll take that over the 10k+ I’ve spent having my soul sucked. Hope everyone has a great day.

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick,

GA would advise no type of gambling of any kind but if you have been following my thread I didn’t really find GA useful and hate all talk that about hearing the things we need to hear but don’t want to – yawn – I think most of us know those things by now …
…and you also know yourself . You know if the scratch cards will make you want to gamble bigger and bigger amounts .

For me when I stop I find the addiction changes and I want to replace slot machines with bingo or lottery – the whole fantasy about winning, changing everyone’s life and helping everyone starts up just as it does with slot machines .
Even when I am trying to help a friend who has hit on hard times because of gambling, I find my thoughts ramble to „if I get a big win I can pay off his / her debt” . How crazy is that? I am encouraging them to give up gambling and put barriers in place while at the same time thinking I could get a win and save them.

That’s just me – I have given up all types of gambling- you know yourself best . You know if you buy the scratch card because you hope for a big win – you know if it is keeping the gambling fantasy alive -you know if it just harmless fun which you can take or leave – you know yourself !

Hope you have a great day tooxx

[Raynor98k]

Day 6,

Still feeling fine. Honestly, I might reset the day ***** to 0 once I get paid again. The biggest urges happen when I actually have money to gamble with. It’s weird, I do have money right now, but that money is for food for myself for the rest of the month. If I were in a casino right now with my paycheck, I would spend all of it leaving myself with nothing. However, when I have money but it is for food and other necessities, I have zero urge to gamble. It’s a nice feeling really. If I can somehow adopt this mentality to money in savings or retirement, then there wouldn’t be any issues. This may sound weird, but I think one of the reasons we can’t save money as CGs is because we have this warped reality in our heads that we don’t need to save because the „big one” is coming, and all our problems will be solved. Here’s the thing, regardless of how lucky you are and have been in the past with your life, math and numbers don’t care who you are. You have the same percentage of winning as someone else, and casinos/the government do a great job of only showing us the winners and not the millions of losers.

A bit of a realization from me: I play the lottery frequently. My reasoning for doing so mostly is because if by some miracle you do win, it is life changing money. If you win in a casino, it is most likely not life changing money. Even some jackpots on slot machines are pathetic in regards of the odds to win them. Now, this is going to sound weird, but I am actually extremely thankful I have not won the lottery (yet). The reason is because I am clearly bad at managing money now, and I feel like a lot of people that do win the lottery do not have good money management skills. If I won the lottery within the last 10 years, there is no doubt I would blow a lot of most likely all of it. I can’t imagine what I would be feeling in the after math. For not winning the lottery so far, I am grateful. Some kid just won the Mega Millions here for $431 million dollars, he is 20 years old. I am always happy to see people win, and I mean that. The only thing I hope for is that they are a good person. I hope this kid has a good heart and is smart with the money.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. Maybe God (or another higher power) is waiting for me to get my act together with money management before he let’s me win the big one. Delusional I know, but I’m a dreamer. Casino’s are not the place to change your life. Casino’s suck the soul out of you and I will always be against them. If I can never place another bet in a casino (in person or online), I will consider that a success. I want to get paid again so that I can really begin recovery of acknowledging urges and overcoming them. I have betfilter, there is no casino anywhere near me, it’s going to be interesting what happens, but at least I am prepared for it. Hope everyone is having a nice day.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 7,

It has been a whole week since I have gambled in a casino (online or in person, not including lottery). If you read my previous posts, I have never identified the lottery as a problem because it has never been a problem for me. Casinos are 100% a problem, and will always be a problem for me. Any form of gambling that makes it easy to drain your bank account in private will be a problem.

As far as urges go, nothing still. No altered moods, no obsessive thinking, no crazy thoughts. Betfilter is in place on my laptop and working, however I am a little concerned about my phone. I read reviews on the betfilter mobile blocker and they looked pretty bad. Right now I am looking for an option to block gambling sites for mobile devices. Any recommendations will be helpful. I know when I get paid again, I will want to gamble, so I am trying to make it as hard as possible to do so. I am going to pay myself first and put money away in a savings account (it takes a couple days to transfer it out of there). Going to try to keep as little in my checking account as possible. Even if the urges do hit, it will take a few days to transfer money out of my online savings. I have a reminder set on my phone to post here everyday, so I’m hoping even if I do decide to transfer money to my checking account, I come to my senses either later in the day or next day. I’m feeling pretty good and confident though. It’s nice to have a sense of hope and the thoughts of a good future. Hope everyone is doing well in their journey.

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
Is it an iphone ?
By the time I got everything closed down on my phone with betfilter it was hardly worth having an iPhone – however the bag of top quality groceries I am about to lift out of my car more than compensate .
Let me know and I will talk u through my experience .

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it,

Its an android galaxy s6. It looks like there are some apps on the store, but I’m not sure what ones are viable. I do need a phone though, maybe I should just contact as many casinos as I can and exclude myself. Thanks

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 8,

Feeling really good today, although I did have a pretty big headache last night on one side of my head that progressed to the other side when it woke me up this morning (first time I have woken up from a headache). I do not think this is recovery related as I have gotten headaches pretty frequently in the past.

I have been doing a lot of research on brain chemistry, specifically, what happens to someones brain when they become addicted to something. And more importantly, how to heal the brain from addiction. There is a lot of good news on this topic that will be very uplifting to everyone here, but the long story short is that the brain can recover and is constantly changing. Neurons in our brain have receptors that link together by which dopamine and serotonin travel (the chemicals that give us that „high” feeling whenever we do something pleasurable). I read that addiction is a disease in which the person addicted perceives pleasure in a negative way. This is because of all the years of repetition, it just becomes natural to us.

Now the important thing to all this is how do we go about healing ourselves? Well, we know we are creatures of habit, and when we do something for long enough, neurons form connections in our brain. The reality is, we cannot „fix” these connections. They will eventually fade away the more we do not engage in the activity. The most powerful thing you can do to break out of a bad habit is to create a new good habit. Instead of saying „I am going to stop gambling”, try coming up with a good positive goal such as „I want to pay off my debt so that I can travel the world (or some other hobby/interest)”. Urges will come, but you are strong now and recognize that these urges are part of the recovery process. You know what will happen if you give into these urges. Divert your attention to something that matters to you. Me for example, I am learning Japanese so that I can travel to Japan someday.

Closing today’s post, I know how you feel. I know it all too well. But let’s look at the other side of the coin. You are still here. You have the power to change your destiny. Here are some very useful and relevant videos that you can watch to understand what is going on here. Because as cliche as it is, knowledge is power. Thanks and have a good day.

Ted talk on addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqhzFd4NUPI

Very powerful and strong talk about what addiction is and how to heal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z6w5IxZX2U&t=107s

Subconscious training (I did this last night and it has already shown tremendous benefits, please try it sometime): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty6MKNLnqAo&t=2360s

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick ,
I love this post and I know this will really appeal to Monica and Laura when they get back .
I haven’t followed the links yet – I am saving them for a treat when I have finished posting .
I have just written something on my own thread which fits in with this
.i have written how I still have strong urges a lot of the time but how my determination is even stronger because I have some goals .

I love your positivity . We are still here and we can build whatever life we choose for our future .
Thank you for reminding me !

[Raynor98k]

Thank you for the kind words i-did-it, and thank you for being active in my thread. It is really great having someone to talk to.

Day 9,

I still do not have any urges. I have money that I could use for purposes other than eating or necessities, but I just don’t even want to think about opening another site online. I’ve opened probably 20 accounts in the past, and the funny thing is I have never withdrew any money. I might exclude myself from some sites today just to be safe.

I have been doing a lot of research on addiction and brain chemistry, and it seems that dopamine is released when the outcome of an event is greater than the expected result. That line right there shows how sinister gambling is. We all expect to lose (maybe not on the surface, but deep down, we know the odds are against us). So when we win, we get a massive dopamine hit. And the brain is actually quite stupid with this, because the reward system is a survival mechanism. Anytime it finds something amazing, it releases dopamine to get our attention. „Hey! Remember this because this is important!”. However, our brain is really bad at processing the same activity and giving it a negative score for every time we lose. Our brain literally told us this is important to our survival (when we win), but it totally ignores the fact that we are hurting our survival every time we lose. Funny how that works. The brain is an amazing organ, but it does have it’s flaws. A primitive reward system is one of them.

If you guys are like me, you might also suffer from low dopamine receptors. This leads to depression. The brain was not conditioned to get massive spikes of dopamine like you do with gambling or other drugs. I read that cocaine spikes dopamine levels by 600%…600%! And the amount of time it takes to hit you is based on how it is consumed (injected, snorted, etc). I am not sure how much gambling gives off, but I do know that healthy habits (such as exercising), gives off a max of 250% dopamine, and that is gradually over time. No wonder people with low dopamine receptors can get addicted so easily.

And you guys want to know the most addictive substance on Earth? You may have guessed it, and yes, it is sugar. Sugar is 10 times more addictive than cocaine. That’s why there is sugar in literally everything in a super market (almost everything). Sugar is also closely followed by Nicotine. This is why it is so hard to quit smoking. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work.

My point is, everyone is fighting their own battles, but we may have a common theme under the hood. I feel like many of us have low dopamine receptors. The good news is that when you introduce healthy dopamine producing activities into your life (exercise, healthy diet, produce), you can create more connections and receptors. It just takes time, but do know that everyday you say no to your urges, those bad connections begin to unplug themselves, and the urges will get weaker over time. Keep going everyone, I believe in you all.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 10,

No urges to report. This may be a shorter post today, but I believe the reason I have not had any triggers is because I have no money. I have not crossed the threshold of racking up gambling debt with credit cards, so that may be why there is no impulse to use my cards to play online. The real challenge will be when I get paid again next week. I already know it is going to be difficult saving up money for a down payment on a house. I believe my real day 1 starts when I have extra money, but I need to come to the realization that extra money does not mean blow money, I should be saving for the future. Hope everyone is having a good day.

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick,
I guess it is harder to resist urges when we have money but most of us could get our hands on money if we really wanted to. Day 10 is fabulous – especially as you are using the time constructively to read about how and why we become addicted . It makes very interesting reading and reminds us that we are not bad people – it’s just our brain chemistry.

Nick I feel payday will come and go and while you may have some urges you are really determined to get that deposit – your reading had reminded you that there is no quick and easy way – steady saving will guarantee you that down payment .

Nick are there any extra precautions you could take to ensure you cannot gamble once the pay hits your account- like maybe stick your cards in the post and post them to yourself? – that would give you a few days .

Keep strong, keep posting
Xx

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it,

I think what needs to happen is I need to do something with the money right away. Pay bills, pay myself, set money aside for food instantly when I get the money. I have $1000 dollars in my safe at home for emergency fast money, but the rest of my money I will transfer immediately to my online savings (which takes a few days to withdraw from). I guess the real trick is having a plan for your money before it comes in. Gotta stay one step ahead of your urges/habit. Hope you are doing well.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 11,

Still feeling fine, although I have been thinking about the lottery a lot lately. I still do buy scratchers and it still isn’t a problem, but I have been viewing winning a large sum of money as a sort of bad thing lately. I have read countless stories about people winning the lottery, only to have their lives destroyed. I think this has a lot to do with people who play the lottery are not generally the best with money, so when they come into the possession of a large amount of money, they don’t really know how to handle it and go crazy. Also, the stories about family and friends acting differently towards you makes my stomach cringe. The worst for me though is if by some miracle you do win, you have to come forward to claim it here in the US. As far as I know, you cannot remain fully anonymous, and that would worry me. Next time I buy a powerball ticket, I will think about this. Hope everyone is having a good gambling free healthy day.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Day 12,

I’m doing okay today. I haven’t had urges to gamble in a casino or online, but I have been thinking about the lottery more. I play the lottery pretty much everyday (small amounts), and I do not really have a desire to play more. The problem is that I may be experiencing what we call „brain fog”, some might call it depression. I’m not sad, but I’m just trying to think of things to do now that I don’t gamble. I don’t miss it, but gambling was extremely exciting, and I hope I can find something I’m passionate about. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my career, and really want to start a company someday. However, nothing seems appealing to me right now. I suppose this may be the hardest part about recovery, filling the hole that addiction left. I still play video games, but I want something that I am passionate about in a career (this has always been a struggle for me). I have a great job right now as a software developer, but something doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel happy doing my current line of work, even though it is helping people (I work with scientists doing Oncology work (study of cancer)). I’ve just always wanted to start my own company, but there is nothing that I am extremely passionate about. Oh well, as a wise man once said, it isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. I guess I am just going to keep reading and expanding my knowledge until an opportunity comes my way.

Even though I play the lottery, I still consider this gamble free for me because it has never been a problem. I don’t do much in the form of entertainment, and I consider this my entertainment. I know the odds, but it’s still fun for me. Hope everyone is having a gamble free day.

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
I think having your own business would be very motivating.
I am sure you could use your current skills to set yourself up as a contractor in your area .
After gambling has consumed our every waking thought I am not sure if any of us know what we really want to do – it takes time for our brains to settle so that we can think clearly
The important thing for today is that you are gamble free – everything else will fall into place

[i_quit]

As you have replied on my message, I went seeking for your story. Thanks for sharing, and am happy to get in contact with you. My user name here is i_quit but let’s say that our motto is 'we quit’. Take care and you can do it!

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
I tried to reply to this earlier but felt I didn’t have the wisdom or the honesty to encourage you to be honest and then I really didn’t know what to say .

Ideally you could say to your girlfriend that you find gambling compulsive – but we don’t all live in an ideal world .
Charles in group often talks about a friend who went to Vegas and never gambled and yet arrived home and went completely lost it.

I can just tell you for me it would be too big an ask, and if I started I would be unsure when it would stop.

I want to say please don’t go because I have always found it so difficult to stop when I start but I’m not you and you may find it easier .

So I guess I wanted to reply and show you I had read but I don’t have much wisdom to offer .

[Anonimowy]

I think you’re deluded.

Every body is different I know.

However in over thirty years of various groups and support meetings I’m m yet to meet a CG who isn’t powerless against this addiction, once they place the first bet.

You self admittedly have a very serious gambling problem. It’s obviously not serious enough yet, for you to be making a conscious choice weeks in advance to go and gamble. You could use those two weeks talking about an alternate destination.

Be a man and stand up to your addiction. Tell your partner just how bad it is, if your partner loses money on the trip its a small price to pay for you to remain gambling free.

Of course you’ll probably go ahead with it, why should you listen to me. If your minds made up to gamble no one will change it for you.

I never listened, because I always knew best.

By what you’re saying, I’m pretty sure you do too.

[velvet]

Hi Raynor
In my opinion, when you test your addiction to gamble, you are not accepting the problem.
You seem to care for your girlfriend a lot and yet you are keeping something that threatens both your lives a secret.
I listen to Friends and Family every day and the one thing that destroys a relationship, more than any loss of money, is the secrecy. I have known other Friends and Family members who have had the addiction to gamble in their lives and yet still fallen in love and successfully supported someone else with the addiction.
Of course I hope that if you go to Vegas you will return unscathed but what a risk, only you can know if that risk is worth taking. I hope you will return to this forum when you return whatever the outcome.
Velvet

[Raynor98k]

Day 19,

I deleted my previous comment about my girlfriend’s gift to me. I told her I think gambling is compulsive and a waste of money, and also told her I don’t like casinos. I did not tell her about my past, but I think she knows I have a slight problem with gambling. She really wants to go and cannot get a refund, so **** it. Say what you want, I don’t care. Say I’m not being truthful and I’m being deceitful. I have actually taken action against my problem and put up blockers and made it impossible to gamble where I live. That’s a lot more than I have done in the past.

I deleted my previous post because, even though I was being honest, we’re all on here to get our lives in order. There shouldn’t be posting about making a decision to go gamble. Having posts about relapsing and past gambling is fine, but no posts that should suggest that it is okay to go gamble in the future. I apologize if I upset anyone about that.

I think instead of having the goal to stop gambling, I am going to focus more on honesty and integrity. I have lied a lot in the past, especially to my mom. Mostly had to do with something along the lines of, „did you finish your homework?” It was so much easier to lie and say yes then actually do it. If I told my mom everything I have lied about, she would probably croak, but I’m sure she already knows because she’s my mom. I did tell her about what I’ve done with gambling, so at least there’s some silver lining there.

If I tell my girlfriend, I’m afraid it will be over. I finally found someone that I want to spend my life with, and I am starting to realize that I may have ruined it. Pretty sure god hates me. He does a great job tearing people away from me the minute I get close to someone. I was incredibly close to my aunt, then she was taken because of pancreatic cancer. My grandma was also my entire world, and she was isolated in her final month by my father so that he and my step mom could change the will behind everyone’s backs so that they got everything. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I don’t care about the money, I just wanted to tell her that I loved her more than anything, and I couldn’t thank her for everything she has done for me. I’m struggling so hard to write this. Maybe I gambled for escapism? Who knows, who cares. All I know is if I tell my girlfriend, I’ll be depressed and single, but at least I’ll be gamble free. That’s something, right? Take care everyone

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick,
This is a forum where you post what you feel, how life is going for you and what’s happening .
I found your post about your girlfriend 's gift very honest and you should not feel the need to delete it. It was honest and opened up a discussion and has got everybody who read it thinking.

For me I have been trying for too long to stop gambling to risk it. I have always been weak in my recovery. People can say this is about honesty , but I know of many people who have been totally honest and still continue to relapse for years. For others , once they are honest they find recovery .

I know of people who are immensely relieved when they open up and I know of people who dearly wish they could go back and ignore the advice to be honest . I am so glad I have never allowed myself to be talked into total honesty – I met a dear friend on here who did and has regretted it ever since. It served as a grim warning to me.

There is no magic cure- you will know this from reading and chatting on here – not barriers , not honesty, not giving up control of money . This is a lifelong progressive illness.

I do however like the analogy that Charles uses- addiction is like a sleeping bear- if you poke it with a stick it will wake up.

Keep strong !

[velvet]

Hi Raynor
I’m sorry you felt compelled to take off your previous post because your girlfriend’s gift was a fantastic gift for anybody to get – apart from someone with an addiction to gamble and she didn’t know that.
You didn’t upset anybody but as a facilitator on this site and someone who has lived with the addiction I know what a trip to Vegas can do to an active CG and I know what secrecy can do to a relationship so I felt I had to write as I did – but I do understand her happiness at giving you something that she believed was so special and your happiness at receiving it in the spirit it was meant.
Whatever you decide to do Raynor I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it and velvet,

Thank you so much for your posts. And I’m sorry about the previous break down post. I’ve had my fair share of negative life experiences, and they all just hit me at once.

Day 21 and gamble free. I think I will have no problem making it to my birthday at the end of the month. Posting and visiting this site everyday has helped me tremendously. It is a constant reminder that I have a problem that needs to be kept in check. I also like replying to other people’s posts as well. I will 100% be visiting this site everyday after my trip. While I do have my barriers in place and pretty solid, I need to stay vigilant. I am constantly reminding myself why I am not gambling anymore. I want to save for a house, and every bet I place delays that dream. I also want to be financially independent, and I want to earn it. I want to have enough money to where I can just pay for things in cash, and emergencies become inconveniences. I want to travel and see the world. All of this is possible without gambling. Hope you both are doing well.

–Nick

[Johnny B]

You don’t have to apologize for anything. I like this site because of the honesty. And one of my triggers and reasons for gambling is when people told me what I should or shouldn’t do. My decisions are my decisions, as yours are yours. There are some real life situations where we will be tested in our resolve, It will be up to all of us to decide what is right…..Since we recognize that we have issues is it better not to gamble? Of course it is, but to me there is no reason for you to feel defeated because you presented a real life situation.
I have had the exact discussion with my wife and counselor. Gambling in controlled situations has never gotten out of hand for me… It is when I abuse the opportunity when it becomes a problem. When I gamble alone is when I am out of control….but to me, those are my decisions and my decisions only.
In short, I think it may compromise your recovery if you are told what to do…Only you can make the decision, and be responsible for your choices.
I hope this isn’t offensive to anybody, and it isn’t meant to be, but I think it is important for us not to lose our ability to make choices, and if we make a choice that isn’t popular not to be ridiculed by it…
One of my new friends has recently relapsed and is terrified to post on the forums because of the judgment that some feel is their right to bestow upon him/her.
I am off of my soap box.. I wish you the best in your recovery, and thank you for sharing what issues you face!

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick,
I hope all is going well and house is becoming more of a reality every day .
Saving is so difficult – my elusive kitchen has suffered a set back – thank fully not to gambling – but bills always seem to pop up.
Keep posting – I like reading your thread .

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it and Johnny,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, and thank you for being active in my thread. Your words are always encouraging.

Day 26,

26 days since I have placed a bet in a casino (in person or online). Feels pretty good. This is the longest I have gone easily within the past year. My next paycheck is in 5 days, and I should have been caught up with everything, even have $1000 emergency fund. I am going to withdraw that money immediately and put it in my safe. After self excluding myself from every casino around, I find it is ok if I have cash on me. In fact, it is safer for me to get the money out of my accounts, because online casinos are always lurking.

I actually had an urge the other day, the first one I’ve had since starting this thread. I was staying up late because I wasn’t tired, and then thoughts started to come to me, „you’ve been doing so great, why not relax and enjoy yourself a bit.” This addiction is really sinister. I was conscious of my thoughts, and decided that I would write a post here instead. It was also a nice reminder that it was a bad idea because I had betfilter on my laptop. I can still play on my phone, but I reminded myself why I wasn’t doing that anymore.

I think the reason I got this urge is because I’ve established a line I would not cross. Too me right now, a couple payday loans are okay, but once I have those, that’s it. That obviously needs to stop, and I am paying off two that I have next paycheck. I will have a very large amount left over for what should be saving for a house, but I think this is why I had urges. I need to get in the habit of paying myself first. But also, I need to pay off my debt, which shouldn’t take too long as long as I dump excess money towards it. You gotta have a plan with money, and act on it the second you get it. Otherwise, it will just as easy leave you. Hope everyone is doing great.

Best Regards,

Nick

[i-did-it]

Well done Nick.

A question based on my own experience (but I seem to have very poor willpower) do you think it might be worth getting bet filter on your phone before payday ? You download betfilter as your main browser – in all honesty it’s not as good as other browsers – you then delete every app that can access the internet – would you believe I got caught out by the Pinterest app?- you also delete your App Store – then when all this is done you get someone to set the parental restrictions so you cannot access again.
The down side is you can no longer download new apps (I wanted the weight watchers app !).
The upside is you cannot gamble on your phone so if you do have a moment of weakness it remains just a moment of weakness and not a relapse .

It has certainly saved me – although you may not need it.
For me I cut up pieces of paper and selected numbers at random and then dumped them so I guess my phone is pretty much locked forever !

You are doing so well Nick. It will be great to get that Money locked away and your house will become a reality . Stay strong Nick !

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it,

Thank you for the words of encouragement, it is easier to break a bad habit when there are other people in the same boat as you trying to get to shore.

I did look at it, but after seeing the reviews and everything else you just mentioned, it doesn’t seem quite right for me. I would like to keep actively working towards blockers however, because if we ever get a strong enough urge, we will try to gamble anyway we can. I am looking into having my bank not accept international transactions for the time being. Anything I can do to prevent myself should I fall powerless is valuable.

So far things have been fine, but I need to be careful about being isolated. If I do have these thoughts, I need to do 3 things:

– Acknowledge them and say I am not going to do anything out of impulse anymore

– Remind myself about my goals, and being honest. This includes no more secrecy

– Tell myself I will think about it more after I come post on here

These worked very well last time, so I will continue to use and build on them. Hope you are doing well into your recovery. Keep up the good work as well

–Nick

[i-did-it]

Hi Nick
How are things going ?

[Raynor98k]

Hi i-did-it,

I’m doing well, thanks for checking up on me. I am sorry I haven’t been posting as much as when I started. I am, however checking these forums everyday and looking to help people. It’s a good reminder to keep the past in the past.

I’ve honestly lost track of the last time I’ve gambled (35 days?). Feels pretty good. I’ve had zero urges except that one time about 10 days ago. The main thing for me is to remember the plan in case those urges try to surface again:

1. Acknowledge the thought
2. Talk about it/role play it out in my head
3. I know what the outcome will be, so does that outcome agree with my values now?

Values:

– No acting on impulse for anything (except survival)
– No secrecy, only honesty. Do it for loved ones and myself
– Goal oriented (saving for house/retirement/financial freedom)

Since acting on these urges would violate all 3 of those values, it’s an easy pass. I think the problem a lot of CG’s have is that when they get these urges, they try to bury them or ignore them. They really fight hard and say to themselves, „I will not gambled! I’m not going to gamble!” But the reality is, all your brain and subconscious mind are hearing is „Gamble”. I encourage everyone to be more mindful about their thoughts. If anyone gets a thought about impulse behavior, I would like for them to acknowledge it. Bring it front and center. After they do that, talk to themselves about it. Play it out in your head and then make a firm decision based on what you know is going to happen. I want to see people make promises that they will not act on impulse. This doesn’t mean they can’t act on things, it just means they have to think about it from different angles before they do it. I believe this, as well as other lifestyle changes and blockers are the most powerful methods to stopping any bad habit (addiction). I suggest everyone try it, but different methods work for different people. Hope you are doing well, and thanks again for posting.

–Nick

[Raynor98k]

Hey Everyone,

So this weekend was my birthday, and my girlfriend surprised me with a trip to a well known gambling area. I posted this a while ago, but decided to remove it as I didn’t want to promote making a decision to gamble. I tried to get out of it, even told her I believe I have a problem with gambling and it was addictive, but everything was paid for and she wanted to go. So, I decided that just for that weekend, I would allow myself to play. I gave myself a budget (which I withdrew prior). Here’s what happened:

We got there Friday, and we went to a buffet. It was amazing and the best part of the trip by far. All you can eat crab and everything else you could imagine. I paid for both of us even though she offered. This was in my budget that I didn’t really plan out (more on that in a bit). I took $500 in cash, but didn’t really think about leaving myself more in my checking account. After the buffet and drinks, I have about $200 left in my account, but still had $500. I brought this money to gamble, so I was okay losing it. We played a bit and my girlfriend said she was going to go to bed, but I could keep playing since it was my last night in my 20’s. Well, I think you all know this story. I stayed downstairs, proceeded to lose my $500, and then withdrew the $200 remaining and lost that as well. I went to bed really depressed.

Woke up the next day with $2 in my wallet. This was my birthday, and I told my girlfriend I lost my money last night. I told her I was upset with myself, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my birthday. She wanted to play a bit, so I went downstairs with her and she gave me $10 to sit on a machine next to her. I hated taking that money from her, just hated it.

I played it off like I was having a great birthday, but I was actually super depressed about the whole day. Not having money sucks, I think we can all relate to that. Thankfully, it was my birthday, and she paid for everything, but I still do not like having people pay for me. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there the next morning.

I appreciate everything my girlfriend did, but I told her on the ride home that I have a gambling problem. I didn’t go into details, but I let her know that it is damn near impossible for me to handle myself in a casino. I don’t think she quite understood, but it’s fine. It’s hard for someone who has never gone through an addiction to really understand what it is like.

It’s not a big deal to me if she understands, because I am not gambling anytime soon. In fact, I knew how this would play out, and I am right back here (also planned that out). I am fine financially, actually in better shape this month then the last 7 months. I have no more loans other than credit cards, and I am looking forward to paying those off. I have absolutely zero desire to gamble now, but I did break some of my values this weekend (don’t act on impulse and don’t jeopardize your financial goals). I am looking forward to getting back on track and back into the groove of before this trip. Nothing is going to change in terms of my commitment. Even though this was planned, this is still my Day 2 (about to be Day 3) gamble free. Hope everyone is doing well.

–Nick

[velvet]

Hi Nick
I am sorry on one hand that your birthday celebration wasn’t one that you enjoyed but on the other hand I am glad that your painful wake-up call was not as bad as it could have been and that you have returned without too much damage.
Now that there are no surprise plans for the future for you to worry about, you can settle in to the gamble-free life that you wish for yourself and which you deserve.
Well done telling your girlfriend that you have a problem; whether she understand or not it will hopefully mean you can decline to join her in a casino in the future without too much explanation.
Welcome back
Velvet

[Autor]

Wpisy