<

Hello Louise

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

Hi Louise
I am glad that you have stumbled on to this website and I hope that before long you will be less scared and more able to cope. Knowledge of your partner’s addiction will give you power over it and help you to make the right judgements for your future and the future of your partner and your son.
I know only too well the feeling that everything has been tried and nothing has worked – but here you are trying something different and that is excellent.
Unfortunately I can’t write as much as I would like to at the moment but I will post to you again soon – I just wanted to let you know, as soon as possible, that you were being heard and understood.
I wouldn’t be here, Louise, if the addiction to gamble could not be controlled so stick with us and hopefully you will soon see your way forward.
Velvet

There is no reason you should give him the benefit of the doubt. For a person living with a CG trust can take a very long time to return… and that’s okay.
Try and shift the perspective from not what you can do to help him to what can you do to help you. You have to get a little bit selfish and make sure your needs especially financial are being met.
The stress of this can really hurt us Louise both mentally and physically. I always try to think what suggestions would I make to a sister or friend going thru this… is there something that you can do to help reduce the stress ?

Hi Louise
I don’t hear anything horrible when you say you want to help your partner but you hate him, I only hear a person who doesn’t know which way to turn.
I am really sorry to read that your family didn’t give you the support you needed and now you feel you are in a corner with nowhere to go. I hope you will find the understanding you recieve here will give you the support you deserve.
Understanding your partner’s addiction may help you. It is a selfish addiction and it hurts those closest to it but it doesn’t mean the owner of the addiction is bad. You have said that you believe that he is gamble-free for months ; it is easier not to mention poor behaviour when the times are good for fear of upsetting the balance and you are probably living in hope that things will change, however your partner needs to accept he has a problem if he is to be gamble-free indefinitely. I suggest you download from the Gamblers Anonymous website the ’20 questions’ and let him see them – it is quite possible that he is not aware that his problem is recognised and that there is a lot of support for him. Just as you probably felt alone until you found this forum, your partner will, undoubtedly be feeling alone with his problem and he probably has no idea how to go about changing his life for the better.
It is ‘possible’ that your son’s birthday is a trigger for his latest poor behaviour. His child’s birthday will probably be a strong reminder to him that he has not behaved responsibly for the young life he helped create and gambling is his way of escaping from reality – unfortunately, for the CG gambling only brings more losses and more feelings of failure and so the cycle goes on.
Your partner needs treatment if he is to change his life and that treatment is available on this site, in GA or on the fantastic Gordon Moody programme. He is not alone, he is understood and he can change.
I believe it is important to inform CGs where support is to be found and it is great when they know that someone is ready to support them while they seek that support. However, you cannot save your partner, only he can do that.
What you can do is to protect yourself from his addiction and put yourself first which is good for you and really is the best thing you can do for him. Your partner didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you – CGs would love to be able to gamble for fun as others do but your partner cannot do that. He doesn’t deliberately hurt you which is why looking after yourself is so important.
I don’t know how old your son is on Tuesday but if he is still young enough not to understand what is going on then I am sure he will just be happy with his mother smiling and loving him and hopefully his father will come to see that being there for his son is what his child wants most and it costs nothing.
Keep posting Louise and maybe you could pop into an F&F group on Tuesdays where you will be very welcome – it is good to ‘talk’ in real time and the groups are private, nothing said in the group appears on the forum.

Speak soon

Velvet

Hi Louise,
I am new here as well. Anything I tell you is not meant to criticize or make you feel less than. If I say something to you, it is coming from a place of care. I can only tell you my story. We are newly married and a lot of things are coming to light. When I first discovered my husband gambled I attended GAM Anon meetings. They were very eye opening, but i found the members to be extremely depressed (and they had been going religiously for 25 years). I decided that I would have to make the best of this test. The best news is that when I act like things will get better, by being supportive, instead of criticizing or ignoring him, the better things get. Trust me, this issue has been going on in my husbands life since he was a teen, his parents never knew, he kept it well hidden from everyone. but the more patient and understanding I am the less he gambles. There is no quick fix and sometimes it can take time for the person to quit. I know it sounds crazy and counterintuitive, but they really do not know what they are doing. I mean, they know they want to stop the cycle of the addiction, but they really do think that things will get better the more they gamble. That’s the mania of a gambler. the addiction takes over, and we think they have free choice until they are ready to take the first step….until then. They dont……
That is the sad truth, it is a disease and only time will tell when things will turn around. There will come a point when I pray your husband will come to you and say I want to get help. I pray that moment comes to my husband too. Until then, it is a matter of filling up our own lives with self care/ love and people we care about. I no longer can depend on my husband to be there for me when he gambles. I have learned after two years to let go of any expectations, and just focus on the good times we do have together when he doesn’t gamble. My husband gambles usually 5-8 hours a day. And there was a period of 6 months when he stopped all together only to go back. This is the life that has been dealt to us. No one knows how long it can take, but sooner or later, they will have to quit. I have tried so many times to convince him to stop. There is no one, other than your husband who can make that first move. And I suggest you busy yourself with not allowing that unhealthy tie weigh you down. When I break free from this unhealthy connection to wanting him to do something better, I pray you and I will see miracles. Time heals all wounds, and my therapist has said, all wounds get healed eventually. But no one can do that for someone else. His wounds will heal. And believe me, all outcomes are for the good.

Hi Hope
Please start you own thread, you have left a lot of yourself in this post to another member that would benefit, I am sure, from having individual support.
I can see where you are coming from but at the same time I am not sure that I can follow your thread through to all the conclusions you have made.
The Gamanon group that I belonged to was a mixture of depression and positivity which I believe is probably the make-up of most groups of human beings, this site always aims for the positive. However I am not of the opinion that quitting is inevitable and I cannot accept that complete passivity is a healthy way forward for those who love CGs
Having said that, I can hear you have taken on board a lot of things about the addiction to gamble, however, I believe it would be beneficial to you to start your own thread so that you can learn and understand more about ‘your’ unique experience.
Hoping to hear from you
Velvet

Hi,
I know the feeling. My partner, while in a previous relationship also had an addiction. He was caught stealing money at work and lost everything. He suffered from severe depression and threatening suicide. The ex partner and mother of his child informed me that unfortunately she or nobody else got him support and he was crying out for it but she didn’t know what to do. He overcame the addiction alone 6 years ago but has started gambling again this year.
All I can do is wait it out for him to hit rock bottom and ask for help. I look at the good things and keep all our finances separate.
What I am trying to say is….he may not want help for gambling right now but the overdose needs to be addressed. I also work as a mental health nurse….gambling addiction is the most difficult to treat unless the person really wants it. In situations like this all we can do is treat the depressive element and hope that it somehow encourages the person to accept the addiction.

It’s really difficult and I know what you are going through. Stay strong but don’t ever let him drag you down. You have to be strong for your son and not expose him to the issues going on. You obviously care and love your partner a lot. It’s hard to let go of that and I know that I am not strong enough to let my partner go. I wish I was but honestly I am extremely happy to wait for him to come to me when he’s ready as he was there for me during an extremely difficult period in my life.

Stay positive and be strong and put yourself first whatever way that may be.

Xxx

Can you find a Gam Anon group nearby. You really could use some support and suggestions from others that are living with this. It’s really hard to do alone and I can see that you are struggling:( There is also a F&F chat on Tuesdays that could help.
Unfortunately nobody is going to be able to help get your husband to quit but there are things you can do to start making your life more manageable. Please reach out for support… you and your son are so worth it!!

Cathyx

Hi Louise,

I just wanted you to feel my support, I too am living with a problem gambler although my circumstances are not as severe as yours.

You sound like an immensely strong woman who hasn’t deserved to have this put on you. I have had some advice recently and am starting to feel its the only way to get through things and that is to remain positive and look on the upside of situations no matter how dark.

It is a real shame the parents don’t wish to help you in your battle with his addiction. My family and my partners family don’t know of my partners addiction so they don’t offer support but for different reasons.

Have you tried taking all money control from him? When you say he has it from work to home, is that because he is paid in cash? Could you speak to his employer? If hes self employed maybe get him to go employed (if possible) to get a steady income and get it paid straight into your account?

Here for you even if it just to bend my ear and not feel alone

Hannah xx

Hi,

About taking control of finances….it’s a step forward but unfortunately for an addict, from my own experience with my partner, they will always find the money to gamble elsewhere and the debts will continue to mount!
The best thing you can do is keep your own finances separate, call to bank and ensure that both of you need to be present for any withdrawals if you have a joint account!
Keep your head high…don’t worry about his debts! They are his and not yours! It’s really difficult to do this but with counselling for yourself you will be able to achieve this. That was hardest thing for me to stop worrying about. But now….my money is separate to his, I don’t worry about his debts. I put pressure on him all the time to ensure bills are up to date and it works. I worry a lot about him because it’s painful watching him suffer when I can tell he hates himself enough for it. But I am hopeful and think about the light at the end of the tunnel….that one day he will hit rock bottom and lose everything….awful to say but true….and he’ll accept help then. I always reassure him that I’ll stand by his side and somehow it’s starting to get in there with him!

It’s really difficult…..but you need to get help for yourself so that you are strong because otherwise the problem will get worse for both yourself and him!

Having this forum is so helpful and it brought me a lot of comfort and taught me a lot so I hope it does the same for you.

Life throws a lot of battles in our paths and we have to chose which ones we are willing to fight. Nobody will judge you if you want to leave. My experience…..everyone judges for staying but that’s my choice and I feel that’s right for me. You must chose which is the best for you and only you….nobody else

Hi Blue Jaffa
Please start your own thread so that you can get individual support. It is not possible to support you on someone else’s thread.
Velvet

Hi Louise
It is a sad fact that without treatment the addiction to gamble will get worse and certainly in my experience GPs are no more help than a chocolate fire guard when it comes to this addiction – I repeat though that this has been my experience.
The right support is available for your partner as I have mentioned before – GA; the Gordon Moody Association; this site with all its different CG support groups and a terrific Helpline. What has his reaction been to these suggestions?
Does your partner know that you are seeking support? Often CGs do not think that those who love them need support and it can be a wake-up call to hear that they have sought some. In my view it is good that he knows that you are taking his addiction seriously even if he is not.
If he is now stealing to feed his addiction and it becomes a criminal matter your partner is in danger of losing his freedom and prisons are not designed to help CGs. The Gordon Moody Association rehabs are residential but in them your partner would be free to get the support he needs to control his addiction.
I hope you are getting support from family and friends and keeping up with your own hobbies and interests. As Worried Mama has said, Gamanon will give you support and suggestions and I believe it is important to take all the help that you can get.
It would be great to speak to you in real time this evening
Velvet