[shonou]

I became a member of this website about 2 yrs ago.  I had just broken up with my then partner who was the worst CG i had ever known.  I was bad, but she was worse.  Anyway, since i was the only bread winner (she had never been able to hold a job), i had the credit cards debts, i had the tax evasions, I did the home loan refinancing.  Well all the things you do to get more money to gamble.  Anyway she left me at a point when i was totally broke and i could barely keep my head out of the water.  Basically its amazing how selfish and inhuman gambling makes you.  Anyways, i was not a kid.  She did not drag me to the casino.  I was a CG as well, it’s just that there was some lines that I would not cross. 
When i joined this site, i had found a little of haven of peace.  People shared their stories around here.  And i could relate to their stories.  I was in a way amongst my own kind.  The tips about getting out of gambling, spacing it out, pick yourself up ifever you cave in. tried everything and slowly things started changing. I realise i was running after the big win, but realise if i managed my finances consistently , i would make much more money than i would ever make than by gambling.  You know when you gamble, you don’t buy anything for yourself.  All the money goes into those machines.  Once i started having a little bit of money in my pocket, I started buying stuff for myself.  I was gratifying.  Okie maybe from a brief instant i hopped from CG to compulsive shopper. LOL.  but seriously it felt good to be able to reward yourself and buy stuff,  because hey you worked for it. 
I guess i got the lucky break. After one year of fighting the cravings and everything, i got it under control.  I was going less and less to the casino.  But if i did go after a few months, i might totally lose control and feel that adrenaline rush and then lose big.  I still could not trust myself inside a casino.  Outside a casino, i was the strongest person.  Inside, I was a weakling.  I said i got lucky because i started dating this fantastic person.  She is financially quite well off.  Intelligent, Funny.  I had still big debts to pay.  But she never really offered to pay them, or loan me out of money at the end of a dry month.  No, when we went for dinner, movies whatever, we went dutch.  She paid for herself and i paid for myself.  Occasionally i would be gallant and pay or vice versa.  She taught me not to give excessive tips, not to shop like a mad person.  But most importantly to manage my finances.  We’ve been dating for ten months.  Last month I paid off my biggest credit card.  This month, i will pay off the smaller ones.  Plus i have couple of outstanding debts here and there. but my life is under contro. 
However, what i needed to share is that occasionally i still go the casino. The cravings occur at the end of the month, near pay day.  I don’t need to win money at the casino. I am doing with trying to chase my losses. It  will never happen.  But i still enjoy so much.  There is a certain joy about winning that i do not really find it  elsewhere.  It’s like this adrenaline rush to your brain.  And i cope with losing better. I do not get angry.  I manage to respect more or less a budget.  Say I decide to go to casino with about 5% of what i earn .  If i win, i walk out.  If i lose, i extend it to 10%.  Very rarely i exceed that. 
I just want to know if others have gone through this.  What are the risks that I am taking?  If i control my cravings and smother them for too long, when i go to the casino, i play a lot more. But if go on a monthly basis, i am able to respect my budget.  What do you advise? 
Thanks
DeeKM

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