[linnie]

Oh my God, what a terrible reflection that comes back at me.  So many failed attempts at recovery.  I’ve pretty much tried it all, including this site a few years ago.  Ga, counseling, Ga again, counseling again.  Even convinced myself that I could do this on my own more times than I can count.  Self-exclusion hasn’t worked for me.  I am so caught up in the grips of this addiction that I don’t even think about being self-excluded any more.  I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to get on and stay on track.  But I don’t think I’m a total lost cause yet.
I’m taking a harder look at myself today, but trying not to be so incredibly hard on myself.  I don’t like who or what I see in the mirror.  In addition to being a compulsive gambler, I have also become a compulsive liar.  Really hate this about myself as there was a time, pre-gambling days, when I considered myself to be such an honest and trustworthy person — a good person who always did the right thing.  The sad thing is I think I’m pretty good at being dishonest and that I’ve pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.  The truth is, those that I have deceived probably know that I’ve gone back to the bet and I’m not fooling anyone.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to face certain people again.  People who have tried to help me — people that I have been so dishonest with.  This will be the hardest thing for me to deal with.
For now, I need to be honest and I believe that keeping a journal will help me to look at things a little different.  Heaven knows, I need to start looking at things differently.
PS:  It’s so hard for me to hit the post button — it’s so hard to put the truth out there.  For anyone who has been in these shoes, you know just how hard it really is. 

[linnie]

I haven’t posted in almost two weeks and that’s because I have been gambling.  I went out last Friday and gambled every day over a four day weekend.  I went back to the casino on Wednesday night and again last night for the sole purpose of trying to get back what I had lost.  It pretty much goes without saying that I feel like total cr*p following this escape/chasing/losing binge. 
Opportunity, time, money, boredom, stupidity…the list could go on and on as to why this happened yet again.  I would have to say that boredom and my need to escape at ***** are my biggest enemies.
I feel pretty sick to my stomach today and I’m not in a very good place head-wise.  I hate the fact that I just can’t seem to get my sh*t together and lead the life that I so desperately want. 
So, it’s back to square one and that starts with honesty–honesty with myself and with others.  Talking to my son and making this post are my first baby steps today. 
I’m self-excluded in my state for life.  I should not be a regular at any casino and you know you’re a regular when you know all of the usual suspects and you’re on a first name basis with a few of them.  This is not a good thing and I need to take drastic measures now.  I asked my son to go with me to two of the casinos that I go to.  I want to go to security and re-state that I am a compulsive gambler.  I am going to ask them to take a good look at my face and that if anyone ever sees me in their casino, they are to take all of the necessary actions to have me removed.  Something has to be done to keep me from walking into those doors. 
I’m not so sure how this is going to play out today at the casinos, but I do know for certainty that once I do a refresh of my name and face, I won’t take a chance of walking into them for quite some time.  Hopefully, never, but for now I just want to put some time between me and the casinos.
I won’t be gambling today and I am determined come **** or high water to beat this once and for all.  No matter how many ***** I have fallen in the past, I know that there is still a passion within me to live my life differently.  I’m just not ready to give up. 

[moe123]

***** Linnie
Welcome back….. i am glad you have taken some strong action on the self ban!
Hope to see you in the groups!
Take care
 Moe123

[linnie]

Thanks, Moe.
I went to the casino yesterday morning to address my self-exclusion and how I have been gambling pretty much on a regular basis.  My son went along with me not only for moral support, but to verify that this was my only purpose for being there.  I explained that gambling was a serious problem for me and that I had been gambling at their casino while under the self-exclusion program.  I had my picture retaken and it was sent to all of the casinos in my state.  There is a facial recognition system in place shared by all of the casinos and I learned that they are really cracking down on people who enter and are on the list.  I was told that I will be picked up on their cameras as soon as I get out of my car.  I took it a step further by asking two of the security people at the door to please never forget my face. 
I refuse to go back down with this and now when I am asked to "go out for a while" I’ll have the best defense possible.  Sorry, not interested in getting ********. 
I’m getting myself back on track and have made self-exclusion a very real deterrent again.  Another tool that I can put into my toolbox.  I have also made up my mind to get back to counseling next week.  There are just too many things going on right now with family that I will need help coping with.  I do not handle illness and/or loss very well and I believe that this is the main reason I have been gambling again.  
I want whatever time I have left of my life to be the best that it can be and I DO NOT want gambling to be a part of it anymore.
  Live for today.  Hope for tomorrow.

[p]

Hi Linnie
Fantastic news on the self exclusion, good for you that is wonderful.. I dont want gambling to be a part of my life anymore its just a waste of it.  Keep going..
 P – Living and Learning

[paddydublin]

***** Linnie,
I really enjoyed reading your experiences and others who have posted.
As a compulsive gambler I know one thing that I have learnt in recovery and out of recovery; Look after yourself I know me and I can only make it work for me , nobody knows I am a compulsive gambler and if they did they still wouldnt understand.Take it one hour , one half day , a day at a time.Find something to occupy the time you would spend gambling if you find other things too much of a «punishment» or things suggested by others as » not cool» or «not your own» and in fact make you want to return find something that YOU want to do that will take your mind and give you that break needed to get over the gambling urge periods. Things are better without a bet on today.

[vera]

Well done on the self-exclusion Linnie…it’s in the air. Quite a few here have done that lately!
I still SCREAM silently for the money I lost…I want it back!
Loss , lonliness and greed are key factors in a CGs self-destruction so…just for today. let’s join all the boring normal people…with their " perfect" lives!

[Forfatter]

Innlegg