There’s definitely a sly fake optimism that permeates gambling … an optimism born of chemical addiction in the brain … it’s like a happiness that feeds a monster while simultaneously oppressing real happiness (outside gambling) …
Right now I feel a struggle/competition between the two joys … which one of them ultimately feels better? The real happiness based in things I enjoy outside gambling … the fake happiness is like an oppressive wave in my mind and emotions pushing my real happiness away … «make room for me» …
it’s like my mind goes competely/blank and forgets what real happiness is … so used to forgetting that and having this foggy fake happiness of «so when are you going to trade again?» bouncing in my head … such feelings of emptiness and despair underneath that fog saying to trade …
it also seems to produce confusion and uncertainty/indecisiveness about basic things to decide … fear/dread and false excitement tug push and pull inside … my own fear of what those cravings lead to … no longer wanting to give into the fake happiness and it’s fake smile …
gambling … a monster … a virus … a program … it feels like it shows up as so many things … sometimes i do see it as a monster in my head/imagination and it looks bigger and pushier than me … like a huge crushing weight pushing down on me … «come on come on get with the program!» …
But I feel the evil behind that crushing weight … some times it feels like another me or a «false me» … predatory on self …
sometimes i feel like there’s an emotional predator toward myself within me … like the language of gambling is the language of twisted self manipulation …
I’m very honest to others but I see these lies within coming from my own mind/brain shoving themselves in my face — so pushy and aggressive … in the past i’ve felt paranoid like i’m being attacked by something … which is true — it’s an attack of a craving … understanding that deeper feels more easing …
It seems the cravings themselves produce vivid imagery/voices some times in my imagination — extensions of a hijacked self … as i move toward the light away from them I start to reprieve …
And I’m breathing that oxygen again now. The oxygen of knowing I don’t need it. That taste and flavor of life outside of gambling is so good … a goodness I haven’t felt in years.
I want more of it.