[markf]

Its 2.30am and I just got out of bed after trying to fall asleep for the past 3 hours: I think i am becoming an insomniac as this is turning in to a regular occurance!!
I havent had a gamble for around 9 months or so and I know I am doing all the right things yet I dont seem to be finding any real peace. I dont even know what is wrong. Besides the obvious that I have totally f*cked up my life through gambling, destroyed my marriage and still not seen my daughter for the best part of a year, I thought i was doing ok. I have spent 8 months at GH and dug as deep as I can to try and get to the roots of all my short comings but iI still lay awake every night and more often then not end up crying myself to sleep and stupid o’clock.
During the days I seem to be ok. I still live locally to GH. I keep in touch with some amazing people that have also been through the programme, i work full time in a job i genuinely enjoy and i really thhink i am making progress YET as time goes on it get harder and harder to switch off every night.
Throughh all the years I was gambling I had this incredible ability to totally switch off. Every night when the bookies had closed, I was home and I knew i had got away with out being caught for anther day, I had this incredible ( for want of a better word) ability to switch off and not worry about all the sh*t until I woke up the following morning.
Now i find myself sitting here wishing i could get that ability back. Why cant i go to bed every night and sleep? Why cant i go to bed and not constantly think about the complete mess I have caused. Why cant i go to bed and not think about my wie and daughter, or my parents and sisters. Why cany i go to bed and just be full of positive thoughts for a change??
Everyone around me tells me that as time goes on life will get easier. I will learn to forgive my self and will eventually find some peace but I reallly hoped that I would be closer to that day by now then I actually am. My recovery seems to be getting harder not easier and i just feel fed up!
Anyway, im running out of thought and the past 5 minutes of venting my frustration, I think have helped me. So its time to hit the sack again, put on some music and hope I can fall asleep before the sun rises.
I hope you all have a peaceful new year and continue ot make the right decisions.
All the best
Mark
 

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