[amyyy]

Hi everyone- I’m new here and really hope that this site can help me. Well…even just knowing others have the same problem and are experiencing the same feelings and facing the same challenges is helpful.
I’ve had a gambling problem since i was 18. Im 28 now. I didnt realise it was really a problem until after i had a few yrs break from it and for no apparent reason walked into the local club and before i knew it, had blown everything i had and was in an obsessive habbit once again. 
I can go for weeks, and even months at a time without gambling- and then the monster returns and i find myself back in front of the pokie machine- mindlessly feeding it note after note and thinking to myself "it’s gotta pay up soon"- to the point where i am filled with anxiety and desperation. 
I can’t keep going on like this. Kidding myself that things will change. When i look back it is obvious that they will not change- i need to change myself. I have blamed everything and everyone for my gambling problem. But throughout the yrs alot has changed- where i have lived- my partners- my work life- everything. The only constant has been me. So i’ve realised that i am actually the defining factor in this problem.
Right now i need to eliminate any and all access to money. I think this has to be for a fairly long time to adjust to a different way of life. (I tried this before and it was very helpful- my partner took control of the finances and i was actually able to save for a new car- no way i would of done that before) But evidently it was not for long enough because i have slipped back into the same old cycle.
Im desperate to change this. I feel hopeless. I’m ashamed of my actions. I’m disgusted in myself. I feel like a terrible person. I feel so irresponsible and so immature and selfish and neive. Neive to think i can gamble at all when i know i simply cannot gamble. (Foolish to challenge myself- what am i trying to prove?)
I am dreading talking with my partner about this and his reaction.Telling him i’ve blown another 800? (how can i even say that?) I know he will be angry and dissapointed, but what else? how is he going to react? Hopefully he is supportive and doesnt just leave. I don’t know. But i need to tell him the truth. I don’t want to lie to him anymore. And i want him to have the choice to leave or stay knowing the truth- not living a lie. The saddest part is that i have been blaming him for our financial mess and all our bills and lack of progress. But the truth is that it is all my fault. I am the person responsible and it is because of my choices that we are in the trouble were in.
I really am disgusted in myself. I have been living in denial for months now. Saying to myself ‘oh well its only couple hundred bux’- ‘its only 600’- ‘its only 400’- ‘its only 700’- etc etc etc. Add it all up and it is a hell of alot of money that has been earnt with hard work that i have squandered on nothing. All this money could have paid the bills- could have fixed the car- could have been spent on what needed to be done and had plenty left over for extras.
I really am lost. I feel exhausted from trying to fight against this problem and feel that i am banging my head against a wall. I have small victories- and then fool myself that i am ok now- and then bang- tottally ruin any progress ive made by falling back into the same trap again. It’s craziness. Why do i keep doing this when i know how it ends up? Whatever the reason is i must stop the cycle- for good.
I’m ready to give up. Give up money and the ‘freedom’ of it. I dont want it anymore because the truth is that i am not responsible with it and shouldnt allow myself the freedom of having it to play with. Cos this isnt a game. Life isnt a game. Money isnt a game. But thats the way i treat it- like a game. Like it’s a game i can ‘win’. It really is ridiculous because i actually do know if the power bill doesnt get paid then i have no electricity. I know if i dont pay rent i will have no where to live. Yet given the chance i will play a game with my familys life. The truth of it is that i am scared now. I dont want to keep doing this. My own actions frighten me. That i have spent the money allocated for lifes expenses scares me- that i am capable of putting my family in a situation where we may end up with no-where to live- nothing to eat- no car to drive- nothing.
Because i am actually scared of my own reckless actions and their possible consequences i think its time that i give control of our lives over to my partner and hopefully he takes over control of the money and maybe over time i can heal myself and slowly re-establish a healthier attitude towards money and life and choices. Maybe i can re-gain some control over my life.
Anyways ive rambled on alot- thnx for having this place where i can share and maybe get some feedback and read others experiences and thoughts and ideas.

[amyyy]

YAY!             HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I had an excellent night of partyin and laughs and prob way too many drinks lol but it was great fun!
Makes me happy and grateful for good friends and wonderful family.
So many positives in life- and so much to live for- feeling really positive about 2012. I think this will be a good year.
So far this year i have not gambled! Yay! Its a clean slate- and im going to do my best to stay away from gambling.
Strategy number one… Stay connected… to friends and family and myself.
Strategy number two… Let go and have fun- make plans to have regular time doing grown up stuff- party lol- without my child and all the responsibilities and mundane routines.
(K i only have two- but im working on- the year is young afterall lol)
 

[amyyy]

Omg so feel like goin and ‘havin a press’- as we call it.
Not going to do it. Had a great chat with jmc in the chatroom and really rang some bells for me.
I dont want the stress of gambling and if money is meant to come to me- it will find its way to me without gambling.
Don’t know how long it has been- few weeks but yeah….dreaming of money and thinkin of money. Arghhhh…. Taking it one day at a time… Not gambling today…
Want to feel stronger- but today and yesterday have felt down and wanted to gamble- oh well ups and down are just part of life- right? So long as i stay away from gambling i cant make things worse.
If i gamble chances are i will feel lower and be broke on top of it too.
So here’s to another day- wiithout gambling- even tho really i want to. (just keepin it real)

[amyyy]

Havent gambled. Talked to my bf last night about wanting to gamble and wanting to give up because i felt that i had already gone so far backwards and have put my plans and goals so far behind- felt like there was no use in trying- it was hopeless.
He said that i am oblivious to all the things i achieve- and goals i reach. He rekons if its not a major success i overlook it. (i laughed at this and said yeah? so wat…wateva)
I took my son bill paying/ grocery shopping and picked up a few back to school goodies along the way.
Txted my bf when i got home n told him i was going to **** him dinner 2nite and that id payed the bills etc- he txtd me bak n said he was really proud of me. Strangely enough him saying that really hit a chord with me- and made me cry- (so silly- proud of me for wat? all i did was pay sum bills n go shopping- wow?) Dont know why it means so much- but those few words do. I spose its acknowledgement really- the person i share my life with seeing that im doing good. Means alot i spose.
Feel good i didnt gamble- have wanted to and even heard myself sayng- its my money- i should be able to spend it on what i want…blah blah blah)
So another day another small victory
 

[Anoniem]

well good for you and ya got something to for it. that cash could of easly been tossed in a machine and nothing to show for it but a double bill and a cut off notice.  avoiding a phone call from a bill collector is always a good thing. boy had them like a million ***** a day it felt like and they never give up.  annoying *****s, dont they know if i would of came out ahead they would of got their cash. think they owe me a apolige cause yeah i was thinking of them good and hard as i was pushing that button and trying to hit it big to get them off my back. yeah didnt work out for me and certainly not them but whose fault is that.  lol lol lol  guess thats a easy one. and good intentions never seem to pan out at casinos. so yeah give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy avoiding that story not coming to life.

[Anoniem]

Hi Amy, this is a great thread to read. You have done well since coming here and have made some great contributions on the forum over the last few weeks. 
Pleased you ignored the temptation. And am pleased you are still here posting, well done.
Geordie.I gambled last year, but havn’t this year. Imagine that!!….Recovery is priceless.

[amyyy]

lol sux2bme that s funny as. So true. Thnx for the support- its awesome.
Same to Geordie- thnx for the nice words n encouragement.
Was just in topic chat n was rambling on (as usual lol) and it occurred to me that yeah this motto ‘one day at a time’ really has some weight to it. Afterall Today is the only day we really have- every other day past or future is speculation really. The motto finally made sense in a way i could really relate to. (it takes a while for these things to sink in i think lol)
Sorta like the whole "gambling is like a rollercoaster ride"- to me i usually interpret that as like a metaphor for the emotional ups n down- but as i was reading a thread today i remembered a chat i had with my bro ages ago- on a completely different topic. We were actually talking about lsd/ acid (not meaning to offend anyone with a **** reference- just a chat we had) anyways we were talking about how once you consume the **** its too late to change your mind and he was saying "yeah takin ****s is like taking a rollercoaster ride- once you get in- you’re strapped in and the ride starts- theres no getting off- your locked in till the rides run its course and stops- like it or not"
lol- Anyways it occurred to me that in a way its sort of like that with gambling- we have gotten on that rollercoaster many ****** knowing once the ride starts we will be regretting it- and wishing we hadnt gotten on- but its too late- we can only ride it out til its over- and we have the choice, with a clearer mind- to choose if we want to get back on.
(dont know if that even makes sense with anyone else- just thought id hsare some random thoughts wth u guys out there)

[amyyy]

Well its been like a month and no gambling- wasnt really ******** the days that much but my bf asked me today if i gambled cos i spent some money today. I said no cos i hadnt and explained what id bought- and told him i hadnt gambled in like a month and he was like ‘really? Has it been that long- wow that is really good babe- good on ya!’
yay- felt really good bout that. I said yeah just gotta do dis another ten ***** and il be close to a year lol.
He reminded me tho that wen my son returns to school will be the testing time for me- and i agreed. So going to return my card to him once that happens- just to be sure and give myself some extra security and peace of mind- carry only small amounts of cash.
Cooked dinner tonight- which is nice because i dont ussually ****. Just another activity that im including in my routines that is different and positive. Takes up a little time and gives me a little happiness. 
Spose thats what its all about – finding little activities that give ya a little happy buzz- much better than stressful- high risk- high stress games that give ya no joy- and only lead to dissapointment.
I dont want to spend another day being dissapointed in my decisions or hating myself- for gambling? No. Maybe for something i have no knowledge of and dont know better etc- but not the same old guilt trip from gambling. Its really lame and im done with giving in to gambling. (its almost like i want to confirm the dissapointment or negative feelings i have about myself- so i gamble- and in that way i prove to myself i am justified in having these thoughts about myself- its a self fullfilling prophecy in a way.)
I’m just taking it step by step and regardless of whatever happens im going to try to choose something else to turn to instead of gambling.
Besides i dont want those pokies to even get one more dollar of my money- i would rather literally throw it into the ocean than put it into those pokies. Atleast i could sit there thinkin to myself…hmm watever happenned to those three hundred dollar coins i threw into the ocean….did they wash up on shore? did some kids find em…are they growing barnacles on them… (point is its actually a random chance thing- not like pokies where the money gets the government and the owners of the licences rich and keeps other people in a job- none of this benefits me in anyway- and actually gambling destroys me- so yeah i would honestly rather throw the money randomly away- than take it there.)
Well for now i am travelling along ok and have sidestepped some roadblocks- so heres to another day – anotheer small victory. cheers x
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by Amyyy

Well its been like a month and no gambling …

Good morning Amy,
One month, wow that is really good – good on ya!’; and although 30 days may look like a short time, it is more than a small victory, it is one of many great ones that will allow you to reach higher milestones.
And you are right, its all about living a more normal and better way wo life – "finding little activities that give ya a little happy buzz"; and you don’t even have to look for them. In living gambling free the good things of life and different activities that were suppressed before seem to come alive once again.
Well done.
God’s speed. Stay strong, keep the barriers in place.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[Anoniem]

well good for you and glad to hear you got a month in. working on a couple weeks here and hoping to see that month too. ld like to say i’m gonna make it but seems when i’m confident i wont i do.  lol  yeah same old same old.  pay day comes and my happy *** cant wait to go take a beating.  lol  oh well, hoping i hit that low and ready to keep pulling my way up.  seems i always pick that greased rope though, its a challenge but do able i hope.  keep racking up them days and show me how its done.

[amyyy]

Thnx Paul for ur reply and can fully see what u mean- life seems to pop more when ur not gambling. Just all the small things are really adding up and actually making me feel happy again.
And we actually have money and have paid da bills and i havent blown it all and had to make up lies and excuses about where all the money is and sit there all devo about it- with no choices cos i have no money. I remember i used to sit there thinkin that cos of this one choice of gambling ive now taken away any and all other choices that involve money- and thinkin why do i choose gambling over everything else?
Truth is i know exactly why- and just have to stop. Sure its all complex and involved and blah balh blah…but at the same time its dead simple too. Have some self discipline and stop going. Exercise some freakin self control.
So I’m still in boot camp. Still denying myself access to gambling. Still patroling my thoughts and stoping the gambling ones- and making them reveal their true self. Thoughts of winning are replaced with realities of losing.  Still trying to shatter the gambling illusions- and it has been another day- so yay- another victory.

[amyyy]

whoops posted b4 i was finished- wanted to thank s2bme too- real nice to be encouraged and supported. Ur doing really good and keep going- step by step- thats all anyone can do.

[erin]

Hi Amyyy.  WooWoo!  One Month!  Way to go!  I am so happy for you! 
I have to give your bf a good amount of credit for trying to remind you about your triggers (ex. boys going back to school.)  It’s good to have someone supporting you and rooting for you. 
I totally agree with you about how gambling reaffirms our negative feelings about ourselves.  Like a self-fullfilling prophecy.  Even when I did something good, something I could be proud about, I would run off to the casino.  And then I would be miserable and hate myself for doing it.  Have you done anything to build your self-esteem?  I cannot remember whose thread I was reading, but in it there was a comment about how gambling is only a symptom of what’s going on.  Sure we can quit gambling or we can work on quitting gambling, but if we don’t work on what caused us to become gambling addicts in the first place, we will never be able to recover.  This is something I really need to work on.  I am seeing a therapist (I’ve only gone to one session so far, because he’s been real busy with the holidays) but I can’t say I’ve done anything else to work on it.  I think I’ll google: how to build one’s self-esteem and see what I get.  If there’s anything good, I’ll let you know.  Take care and keep up the good work!

[Anoniem]

hey girl good to see ya coming back to post.  hope all is well with ya and how is that garden doing?  weather hasnt been to bad here and think snow is done here till nov. any way.  still to early here to plant anythng though things are starting to bloom.  kinda a early spring and cant ***** on not having frost yet over the night time hours.  had some on my car this morning and calling for more tommrrow i think.  oh well, end of may is about the norm for planting arround here any way.  glad your sticking to the gamble free life and enjoying it.

[velvet]

 
Hi Amy(yy)(2)
Really glad to read you went shopping in your last post as I needed a thread to cheer me up on a dull, wet, drear day in the UK.
There are many ups and downs in recovery and it takes time for the ups to exceed the downs but they do.   March was more difficult but this is April and with a gamble-free life will be more rewarding still.
You reckoned when you were feeling twitchy that you would come back on here and say ‘I don’t actually give a ….’ if you gambled. You are right it wouldn’t have been nice and it wouldn’t have been the truth.    I have certainly never seen a post that says that following a slip.  
You are doing so well. Your posts are great to read.   You worked out why you wanted to go and gamble and then you worked out how to keep your gf life moving on and that is great.  
Velvet
 
 

[desdemona]

Hey Amy! Really enjoyed the chat with you on SH. Read your thread and love your writing style. I have also gotten rid of people in my life that aren’t healthy for me. I’m keeping my husband though, even though he’s not as supportive as your guy seems. Realized it’s not my responsibility to help and fix everyone that crosses my path. I like your attitude towards recovery and life. Hope we can chat again. Carole   

[i am hope]

Hi Amy was nice to see you in chat today.  There is no chat here so i went to safe harbor and there were some tech probs happning but going to go back to see if anyone is around
 Living with Hope

[Auteur]

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